Harvey- how do you handle significant BAD anniversaries?

[Bobbins]

My dds, Harvey died on the25th March last year. I'm not sure how I am coping with it. I'm not sure if I should take that day off work or not. It might transpire that I am alone that day if I don't go into work. A strange coincidence has occured. My prescription of Prozac runs out on Monday, the day before the anniversary. My six months is up.

Harvey is buried miles away, due to the lack of woodland burial sites in this country. I'm planning to go down there to his grave (and my mothers-they are buried next to eachother) on my birthday, the day before Harvey was buried.It's a difficult time and I'm not sure how to handle it. Is it just another day toget through, or should it be significant and marked in some way? How do other people deal with these days?

Myspacebarstill doesn'tworkproperly.GRRRR

[MABS]

Bobbins, Snickers - thinking of you both.

[Marina]

Bobbins, so many wise and kind things have been said here - I'll be thinking of you and Harvey on the 25th. We had planned to spend the day somewhere special to us pre-children on Tom's due date but were thwarted by the weather (beautiful snow so we sat in complete silence and watched it fall instead). Just trying to say, as someone else did, that you might find on the day itself you don't feel you want to think too much about your bereavement, or circumstances might get in the way of you doing so.
Someone else also said that the run-up to such a sad anniversary is often worse than the day itself. I found that to be true, personally.
My bereavement counsellor says a lot of people who lose a child do "put something back" by becoming a befriender, or working with a charity, or whatever they feel is right for them. But she did say it's not something people usually feel ready for until at least a year after their own loss.
I recently attended a memorial service at my hospital for parents who have lost a child. They quoted from the medieval woman philosopher Julian of Norwich: "He said not: You will not be tempested, you will not be travailed, you will not be afflicted; but He did say, You will not be overcome". She was referring to Jesus, but I don't think you need to be a Christian to recognise that you and Snickers have faced the worst life can throw at you, and survived bravely. Cyberhugs to you both.

[Tinker]

Bobbins - hope you get through the day ok, however feels fit. I agree with snickers that it often isn't the anniversaries that tip you over. Wishing lots of love to both of you

[Bobbins]

Snickers>I've asked Mumsnet for your E-mail address, I hope that's OK?

Droile> I tried tobuy 'Between Two Eternities' today,No bookshopshaditin, so I'll probably order it from Amazon. I brought "TheRedTent' though.

Has anyone read 'A Life's Work' by RachelCusk? I was reading it just before Harvey died....and funnily enough I never finished it. I returned it to the library VERY late

Thanksforalltheadviceladies.

[Bobbins]

Yes...the runupisbad and I think Iwill feelmorecomfortable celebrating Harvey'slifeonhis birthday, rather than the anniversary of his death. It's true....I'm thinking of theawful week leading up to Harvey's death andhopefully Tuesday won't be too much worse than now.

sobernow> a bottle of voddy has been suggested,but after all it is still a school night.

Marina>hugs and congratulations.....and GOOD LUCKxxxxx

[Bobbins]

blimminspacebar

[fairy]

Bobbins, I cannot add much more to the good advice given, but I very much agree that the build up is worse, you get to the day and you've in a way reached your destination and suddenly it is all a great deal easier and clearer to deal with, thats been my experience at least.

Have you got somewhere which was special to you and Harvey where you could visit for just a little while? Maybe the sharing his memory with a place he loved will help.

Cyber hugs to you and snickers, your strength is amazing

[giraffe]

Bobbins, I think if thought power alone could get you through the 25th you will be almost there with so many mums netters with you in thought. I too will be with you in thought, and have been there too. It was our DS first anniversary last July. We went out and brought a rose for our garden and just muddled through the day, it was nt as bad as I thought at least you have a warning of it approaching so you can kick start your coping strategies early. It is the out the blue times that keep getting me, I think I am doing alright and then all the progress and positive thoughts about coping disappear, not a good time to post so I had better not ramble on. Just try and think it is a day with 24 hours in the same as all the rest and will come and go.lots of love to see you through to the next stage.

[Demented]

Thinking of you Bobbins, I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted you to know that I found your posts about Harvey very moving and touching.

Thinking of you too Snickers.

[breeze]

Nothing to add other than will be thinking of your both. Bobbins and Snickers

[Clarinet60]

Hi Bobbins, yes, the paperback of BetweenTwoEternities is out of print. My copy was a library book and I've just ordered a couple of hardbacks from Waterstones, one for a friend. I'll gladly give you one when it comes, if you get my email from tech.
I also have the Rachel Cusk book - it's really good. I have heard her slagged off somewhere, but I've always known where she's coming from. Haven't read The red tent. Any good?

[Lorien]

HI Bobbins,

I too remember reading your posts about Harvey and the horrid year you have endured. I have no words of wisdom to add, but will be thinking of you and your lovely son on the 25th.

With love from Malaysia, Lorien

[janh]

Bobbins and snickers, lots of love and best wishes to both of you - you are very brave to talk about your babies like this. Bobbins, I am so sorry your partner turned out to be no help to you but I hope you will have lots of good people to support you on Tuesday.
Agree that Harvey's birthday will be the one to celebrate. He was a lovely little boy and you were lucky to have him.

[snickers]

I have just read the original thread discussing Bobbins and Harvey, and to my dismay several other mums who have also experienced this tradgedy. I am overwhelmed. The poems were so wonderful, and the thoughts shared so intimate and touching. Motherhood adds an extra dimension to one's being - an ability to care and love which is so profound, and so deep and once discovered, never parts. Want to extend my sympathies and huge respect to all the other mums who posted to Bobbins who had also experienced the tradegy of losing their children.

I am still so very sad at the loss also of your relationship Bobbins at a time when you need each other most. I know we hated his reaction, and even now the description of his behaviour can make our blood boil with rage, but I feel sad for the man, that he is preventing himself from facing up to his loss and as a result has handled it all so clumsily. He is only putting off the inevitable, and at least Bobbins, by talking about it you are already on the road to future happiness. Nothing is more terrifying that facing that pain head on. Silly, silly man for not being as courageous as you.

I am also humbled and in awe of those bereaved mothers who knew and loved their babies/children. My own loss was one about a child I never had the chance to know, and the trauma was very much about me at the time being in many respects a child myself. It took a long time to come to terms with the enormity of what happened. I in no way compare myself to these other mothers. Their burden is more than I could even bear to imagine.

Rambling. I hope I have made some sort of sense in that last para.

[Bobbins]

xxxxxxxx

[snickers]

Bobbins - did you get my email?

[Bobbins]

snickers>no....perhaps it went to my work address....was it an NTL address or a BBC address?AtleastatworkIhaveafunctionalspacebar!

[snickers]

ntl one I think? A reply to the one you sent me?

[snickers]

sent again... (sorry folks - this has become an ad-hoc chatroom all of a sudden...)

[Bobbins]

snickers>still nada....are you sending to [email protected]?

[snickers]

resent - try now

[Bobbins]

gotcha

maywaituntiltomorrowtoreplyproperly,becausethisspacebarnnonsenseisdoingmyNUT.

[jessi]

Bobbins, I have been thinking about you lots recently.
Just wanted to send my very best wishes and thoughts to you. I hope you find a way to get through this painful time. Can you treat yourself to a massage or a sauna rather than go to work? Take care of yourself xxx Jessi xxx and Snickers too. xx

[whellid]

Bobbins, will be thinking of you and Harvey tomorrow. There is no right or wrong way to mark the occassion, so do what you feel you need to. Take care.