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Bereavement

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Fraser's thread for bereaved mummies: Death leaves a heartache no-one can heal - Love leaves a memory no-one can steal

978 replies

frasersmummy · 09/11/2008 21:11

Hello my good friends

Its lovely to be asked to set up our new support tread especially as we head towards our first festive season supporting each other.

I hope Frasers part of the journey is as smooth as Eris, Jack and Matt&Gareths

OP posts:
frasersmummy · 12/11/2008 20:53

OMG the day before his 21st??

your poor poor girl I really dont know what to say to that ..

I am sure that some of the mums who have lost older children will have words of comfort and advice.

There wil be a candle shining for Oliver in Glasgow on Wed

Remember to take time to acknowledge your grief .. dont beat yourself up for feeling bad

OP posts:
Thelighthousekeeper · 12/11/2008 23:01

Hi Everlong, Welcome to this thread, I'm so sorry we have to meet like this, but you will find everyone here so wonderful and supportive.

It will be six months since my DS Noah died on the 4th December. I have some photos of him on my profile. He came into the world 3 weeks early on the 26th March and 10 weeks to the day he was gone. I put him to bed at about 1.30am on the 4th June and I woke up suddenly at about 5.50am (he would always wake about 5am, but that morning he didn't) and we found he wasn't breathing. We phoned 999 and my DH tried to save him but he was declared dead at about 6.40am. He had smiled for the first time the day before and had always been such a healthy baby. He was just perfect in every way, so placid, and easy and my DD who is 3 just adored him.

We are still awaiting the inquest but the post mortem said it was Sudden Unexpected Infant Death. They couldn't find anything wrong with him which just makes it even harder to come to terms with.

I too will light a candle next Wednesday in memory of Oliver.

Thelighthousekeeper · 12/11/2008 23:04

Hi Girls,
I'm in floods here having read all your stories, there are so many things I want to say to you but just can't seem to find the right words at the moment. Sending much love to you all. xxx

shabster · 13/11/2008 07:05

Good morning my friends xx

travellingwilbury · 13/11/2008 07:44

Good morning everyone x

I hope everyone is feeling ok this morning .
I am definetly feeling a bit better today . I think I needed yesterday , a good cry is good sometimes . Just to let it all out .

everlong · 13/11/2008 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

travellingwilbury · 13/11/2008 07:55

Everlong please don't worry about wether you give support or recieve support . Just the fact that yesterday some of us wrote our stories on here at your request was a really helpful thing . It was nice for me to learn more about others children and I love telling people about Harry .

We had All things bright and beautiful and it did seem fitting .
Our vicar was great and went through a lot of hymns he thought could be appropriate and he did seem to put a lot of thought into it . I hope yours is just as compassionate

shabster · 13/11/2008 07:57

You know that you can have songs played that Oliver liked dont you? Most people nowadays seem to have at least one song played that isin't a hymn. Just check with the Vicar. Im going to have 'Dont stop me now' by Queen at my funeral - no matter how old or young I am when it happens.

shabster · 13/11/2008 07:57

Yes, even though it was sad, I enjoyed telling people about my children yesterday. xx

travellingwilbury · 13/11/2008 08:00

Thats a great song Shabs

We had Eva Cassidys Somewhere over the Rainbow .

We also taped the service , just audio tape and I know it might sound a bit odd but I was really worried that I would be in too much of a state and I would forget what had happened and what was said .

I have only ever listened to it once but it does give me weird comfort knowing it is there .

hazygirl · 13/11/2008 08:38

morning girlsx hope everyone ok ,i dont know what to say just big hugs to you all, as most of you know i lost my grandson to cot death 1st december 2006, and the girls on here have been lifesavers ,in helping me and my dd get through it.
jayden was 75 days old,a lovely little smiling man ,he had a few little problems feeding but never in a million years did we think hed leave us, he died and our whole world changed,to watch your child go through that hell is heartbreaking.
big hugs to you all brave mummysx

shabster · 13/11/2008 08:39

everlong - Did Oli like a particular singer or band? Maybe it would be good to choose one of his favourite songs?

shabster · 13/11/2008 08:41

Oh Hazy that is my biggest fear. I don't know how you have coped with the loss of Jayden and the obvious heartache of your DD. You must have felt helpless at times. It is clear that you are a close family but I take my hat off to you.

everlong · 13/11/2008 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabster · 13/11/2008 10:01

I just listened to that song on Youtube and, in my opinion, it is 100% perfect - absolutly beautiful. Do you mind if I link it onto this thread - if you would rather I didn't then no worries at all.

Kitana · 13/11/2008 11:08

I'm a bereaved mum, but last night I wasn't, for once, in floods of tears for my own son but for poor, battered Baby P.

I'd avoided most of the story the previous day, but last night caught the news and I just could not cope with being told that when paramedics found him he was on the floor dressed only in a nappy and had been dead some time.

My prematurely born son was 8 days old when he died in my arms in Feb 2007 of a bowel infection and I'm so angry that another woman could have done this to the child she was blessed with, so angry.

But since nobody else on the bereavement forum I usually post on has made any mention of this I thought to myself surely some other mothers must be feeling the way I do? And that's how I found this thread.

I'm feeling better for having done so, though TW's poem had me in tears. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who's had to run from the room as soon as Rolf H starts singing Two Little Boys. I had twin boys and used to sing that song to them when they were in the NNU. (Not exactly appropriate, I know...)

One thing that really strikes me from all the posts here and other I've read about twin loss is just how often it is boy pregnancies that have a fatal outcome. I know statistically they are more at risk, but it's just how much more they are at risk, and I've been convinced for some time that a lot more needs to be done to monitor mothers carrying boys. (I had a traumatic pregnancy but did not know what I was having, and my consultant never seemed that bothered even though he must have known.)

Anyway, my best wishes to you all, and to Baby P, rest in peace you poor little soul. Rest in Peace.

K.

shabster · 13/11/2008 11:17

Kitana - I identify totally with your words and thoughts. I have wept buckets for Baby P. This morning,on our local news, it said that a baby and a toddler had been found stabbed to death and their mother has been arrested We are in Bolton and this has happened in Manchester.

I lost one of my twin sons as well. At 7 months due to congenital heart defects. I didn't even know I was having twins until 10 days before they were born. This was in 1981 before scans were commonplace.

Please keep returning to this thread.....a wonderful bunch of ladies all walking the same crappy path and trying to help each other along the way xx

Kitana · 13/11/2008 15:15

Hi Shabster,

It was going to bed last night and then turning on the radio this morning and hearing the story about the two murdered children that tipped me over into thinking I had to find out if there were other bereaved mums out there really troubled by this story. Of course it's hit millions of people, but it's just that when you have watched helplessly as your baby died, when all the docs and nurses who cared for him did their best, the contrast with this poor soul is just so utterly marked as to be almost unreal. Only it's very real, and unfortunately I heard more details on the radio that I really wish I hadn't.

Such wickedness. Such suffering.

On a personal note, I was staggered to read your story. I watched my father die an horrific, needless death so feel especially cursed at times. But to lose two children as you have, and the way Matt died, must have tested you to your very core. I am so sorry.

Re scans - yes, it's incredible how technology has advanced. And yet the infection that killed my son has a very high mortality rate; the stillbirth rate hasn't come down much in decades and babies' sudden deaths are unexplained. We've still got a long way to go.

best wishes,
K

shabster · 13/11/2008 15:22

I agree so much with your heartfelt words my love.

Thank you for reading my story - we are getting there, bit by bit, day by day. Many years may have passed but it still can rage to the surface xxxx

travellingwilbury · 13/11/2008 16:59

Hi all

I have popped in here for some sense and reason .

Think it might be time for a wine .

What a rough couple of days

Hi Kitana I am so sorry to hear about your little boy .

I too have struggled with this story about baby p . My husband has been a bit of a mess about it as well .

shabster · 13/11/2008 17:01

Hiya TW - Im having a good old rant on that thread about not showing strangers emotion and empathy!!

travellingwilbury · 13/11/2008 17:03

I have put my 2p worth in there as well .

The kindness of strangers is sometimes the only thing that gets you through the day .

Obviously not that stranger though

shabster · 13/11/2008 17:06

I noticed your post TW!!! A few months ago Cod had a thread like that but even more sarcastic and downright nasty. I posted on it but couldn't get the better of her - when I saw this one today I became instantly - now, I'm afraid my sarcastic humour is taking over!!!!

A few weeks later Cod did a flounce???? Whats the saying? Oh yes! What goes around comes around.

travellingwilbury · 13/11/2008 17:08

BUgger em !

I think I will get the boys fed and watered and bathed and then open a bottle

VaginaShmergina · 13/11/2008 17:15

TW, here have a glass from me.

I started 10 minutes ago (once I had finished lighting all my candles, of course )

Shabs, here's an apple juice for you too

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