Fraser's thread for bereaved mummies: Death leaves a heartache no-one can heal - Love leaves a memory no-one can steal

[frasersmummy]

Hello my good friends

Its lovely to be asked to set up our new support tread especially as we head towards our first festive season supporting each other.

I hope Frasers part of the journey is as smooth as Eris, Jack and Matt&Gareths

Hi Everlong I am pleased to hear you are feeling a bit lighter this morning .
A bit of my story for you
Harry was our first child and he was of course gorgeous . He never cried which always worried me but the drs and health workers always told me how lucky I was and not to worry about it but I really believe he just didn't have that internal fight for life that we all need .
Basically on the 1st dec he had an awful cold and I thought he had a chest infection so took him to the emergency dr . I was told it was just a cold and to take him home to rest . That night he seemed to get worse but because he was still sleeping the dr told me he must be fine and not to worry but if it was worse in the morning to ring back . That was the sat night and I stayed downstairs with him sitting upright on my chest as it seemed to help his breathing . He died in my arms at 8 on the sun morning . He never woke up . They said it was an acute asthma attack which just means that his lungs closed and they don't know why . He was 14mths old and not a day goes by that I don't wish that I had done something different .
It was the worst time of my life and if there is anything harder to deal with then I have no idea what it could be .

We have gone on to have two more boys who are so full of life and so different to their brother . Even when they were babies and screamed for food or just for a cuddle I loved it as I knew they were ok .

I never thought I could be happy again and I still do have my down days but the times in between the darkness are so much better now than I ever thought possible .

I could go on forever but I will stop now .

OK here goes......I had twin sons, Daniel and Gareth in December, 1981. Gareth was quickly diagnosed with severe heart problems. Two large holes in his heart and a valve that wasn't working at all. In July, 1982 I woke up to him screaming the place down. I took him into our bed and cuddled and calmed him down. Myself, DH and Gareth snuggled down and pinched another 10 minutes sleep. When I woke up he had died in my arms. Dont need to tell you the mayhem and shock of that morning. The doctor said all babies are born with an extra valve that closes when they take their first breath. That valve had stayed open with Gareth and was the only thing that kept him alive. We were questioned by two police for hours and hours, individually and together.

In June, 1984 we were blessed, beyond words, by Matt. Danny became a big brother again and the world was a good place to be. Matt was cheeky, funny, adored the girls and loved his big bro. Just before his 8th birthday he was allowed to play out of the garden for the first time. We lived on a quiet estate and I thought he would be ok. I closed the door, walked into the kitchen and before I got back into the living room he had been knocked down by a flat back lorry. I ended up crawling under the lorry and,I'm sorry, but I cant describe the sight that met my eyes because it is too horrific. He was dead on arrival at hospital.

For many years it felt like the world was against us. Our home was re-possessed, we had severe financial problems. Our marriage fell apart - although we are still together now and have been married for 30 years. In 1997 (when I was almost 41) another little boy came along - Tom. He has filled a massive aching space in our lives and is a joy.

In June this year Danny and his partner presented us with our first grandchild - Lewis Daniel. We are so lucky.

The only thing that kept me going for many years was the words - 'ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND DONT FORGET TO BREATHE.'

Shabs I remember those words too .
I am always thankful for my time on TCF

We also had to be questioned by the police but thankfully they were very kind to us . My husband always says that he was glad he had gone out to work that morning as he is convinced if he had been here he would have been treated more harshly than I was . I doubt that is true but it is something that really scared him at the time .

I don't have the words to even begin to comprehend what losing Matt must have been like after Gareth . I am so sorry you have had to go through this twice .

Our interrogation was truly awful. I kept begging them to contact our local childrens hospital to ask about Gareths problems. Eventually, after about 3 hours, a nurse came in with a fax explaining everything. They simply stood up, put everything in their brief cases and walked out of the room. I began to think that I had done it in those 3 hours.

Remember the lady Sally (I cant remember her surname) who was imprisoned for the alleged killing of her sons? I only remembered all those things when I saw her released from prison.

I often wonder how we have survived these last 26 years - I have no real clue.....I used to think my heart would break in two - literally or my head would explode.

This is mine and Dannys song

Danny was, for many years, my reason to live - my brave surviving son. Every word of this song describes me and him. We have been known to sing this on karaoke

Shabs that is truly awful that they were like that with you . I remember Sally as well . I always said to people at the time that I would have confessed to doing something because you blame yourself anyway so its only that one more step .

It is a physical thing the heartbreak isn't it ? The actual proper pain is awful , never mind the emotions that are just horrendous .

Great song , I love the image of you both doing Karaoke together to it

How did you ever let that boy out of the house ?

Dont think I did leave Dan alone or out of the house for many years Even now I only find peace when I know he is in work and safe. I cross Tom over the main road near High school and cross him back at night. I worry and fret about Lewis all the time. If you talked to any neighbours or friends they would say that I am 'calm, laid back, and I have 'got over' loosing my two sons - thats because I am the biggest fraud of all time the 'Great pretender' and I do love to find the funny side in most things.

Its the only way that is comfy for me.....

I too am a complete fraud , it works for most of the time . I love this poem (especially the last line )

Ask My Mum How She Is

My Mum, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before,
From now until the day she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.
She used to tell the truth a lot, but now it doesn't matter,
I died and went to heaven, now her life is all a-shatter?d.

Ask my Mum how she is, and she'll say "oh yes, I'm fine!"
She wants to beg, "Please help me, ?cause I?ve lost that boy of mine".
Ask my Mum how she is, and she'll say, "oh I'm alright",
If that's the truth then tell me please, why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mum how she is, ?cause she seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice, you see, nor yet the strength to yell.
You think you know the feeling, but in fact this cannot be,
For even though you loved me, it was not as much as she.

She?ll smile and she will tell you, "It's OK, God has a plan?
But then she?ll turn away and cry, ?cause she can't understand.
You tell a joke, she giggles, but in fact she?s not OK,
She wants to share the joke with me, but it won?t be today.

I watch her here in Heaven, her distress disturbs my peace,
Will someone please take care of her, and thus take care of me?
"Some day you will feel better", "Yes, I will, one day", she lies,
She knows this will not happen until the day she dies.

Ask my Mum how she is and she'll say, "I?m doing good",
She cannot tell you how she feels - oh, how I wish she could.
Ask my Mum how she is: "I'm ok, I'm fine, I'm coping.?
For God's sake, Mum! just tell the truth and say your heart is broken.

Ask my Mum how she is: she?ll reply "I'm well, and you??
I'll shake my head in Heaven, ?cause it simply isn't true.
She'll love me all her life, just like I loved her all of mine,
She'll lie and try to hide the pain, pretending that she's fine.

Her carnival is over, she's stepped off the carousel,
But to save you feeling bad she'll say, "Yes thankyou, all is well".
My Mum, she's not gone mad quite yet, but oh, so very nearly,
Don't ask her how she's doing; ask her how she?s doing ...really.

I?m watching her from Heaven, and I cannot hug from here,
If she lies to you, don't listen, but please hug her, hold her near.
On the day we meet for ever we shall smile and I'll be bold:
"You're lucky to get in here, Mum, with all the lies you've told!!"

It does have more relevance in the early yrs than now though .

Thankfully most of the time I can answer honestly that I am doing ok

What wonderful, true words. I have never read that poem before. Are you ready for this TW?.....are you ready?????? That made me cry like I haven't cried for years. There. I said it!!. I'm so relieved that we all have each other on our thread.

Sorry I made you cry but thank you for telling me

It always makes me cry too , I wish I had known about that poem in the beginning I think I might have sent it out to everyone who knew me .

I wouldn't have really but it would have been good for them to all know .

I am so pleased I have found you all here .

Everlong, so nice of you to ask, we love to talk about our littlies. so many people seem to want to avoid talking about them.

Well here goes are you sitting comfortably?
Two years ago on Saturday we had a scan which told us we were having twins, I dn't know why I just thought we were. DH was a bit in shock and thought the sonographer was really good as wherever she held scanner it picked up a baby. DOH. Everything looked perfect.

Really happy and excited and went for a private nuchal scan as told blood tests not effective if twins. AT this scan it was obvious to all in the room that T1 had a bulge, he looked like he had a football on his lap. He had an exomphalus/Omphalocele. They called a consultant in on a Friday night who basically told us were a 1/3 chance of Edwards/Patau/downs + heart problems. We may lose one or both babies, we may be advised to terminate one baby to give the other a better chance.

Got an NHS referal and had an amnio and all chromosone problems ruled out. Next hurdle 20 week scan as may be heart defects.

20 week scan all okay, both babies going to make it but have a plastic bag to put DT1 in if born before get to hospital to keep his tummy sterile.

24 weeks approx looks like heart defect after all so referred to heart specialist who then says no just jumbled up scan as some of Bs insides on outside no heart defect whatsoever.

Happily progress to 25 weeks when huge fluid gains (polyhydramnios) suggest I could go into labour at the drop of a hat. Admitted to hospital for daily monitoring as we knew B would need hospital attention immediately after birth so seemed to be best place for us.

At 31 weeks fluid looked like it might need draining as in words of my consultant I was "gigantic". At 31+4 waters just popped and kept on coming, flooding bed and floor.

DT2 was in distress so had an emergency section, DT boys were born 3/4/7 just before 9:00 am both looked fine and seemed to be breathing on thier own. DT1 3lb 10oz DT2 3lb 0.5oz, both looked perfect even the exomphalus did not look too bad.

Whilst in recovery I was aked if they might be identical (always told they weren't as 2 sacs and 2 placentas).

Back on ward Paeditric consultant said they were struggling to put tube down to help B with his breathing did we consent for camere in ENT surgery, obviously we did. Went so see B and thought he looked fine.

He came back mid afternoon and told us B had no trachea and only limited openings to his lungs. He'd contacted GOSH and they had said nothing could be done as airways can not be artifically made. Basically his condition was not conducive to life.

I asked if the DTs could have a photo (see photo on my profile) together as wanted this for DT2 (G) and arranged for hospital chaplain to christen B. Both boys were brought out of SCBU and to my room where me DH and the boys all had a cuddle and they were both christened. DT2 went back to SCBU whilst DT1 died in our arms.

After this I had the boys DNA tested by the multiple births foundation to see if they were identical and they are. I have a perfect little replica of my missing man running around and getting into mischief. It is both a comfort and a source of grief knowing what he would be like.

I find people seem to be well at least you have one baby but this is sometimes harder as like Shabs I suffer with twin envy. People also seem to think as I knew he would need an operation it didn't matter that he died as I should have expected it.

I am sorry I think this has turned into more than a little summary but just you asking and me typing helps Everlong. Even though I am sat here in tears reading Shabs and TravWils stories it helps to know life goes on. It is different (I will never be the same again) but it goes on.

If you have a profile page I would love to see a picture of Oliver if you can manage it some time in the future.

The first of everything is the worst, then you brace yourself and can put a brave face on, but sometimes your grief just smacks you arund the chops and goes ner ner ner ner.

I am horrified TW about the little baby I would gladly do to them what they put that baby through.

I also love that poem TW, offers hankies all round.

CM Thank you for telling us all about your boy . I do think losing a twin has its own special problems and to have to cope with the usual struggles of a new born at the same time as losing a child must have been an extra struggle for you .

I think for us in some ways because Harry was our first we could really let ourselves go and grieve completely and utterly and for a few months at least we were allowed to just be .

I realise that this is going to sound crazy BUT I feel so much better. I had forgotten how to just cry. It is wonderful to be able to write about our 'lost' children. I am so proud of my brood and, apart from my two close RL friends, I very rarely tell their story to anyone.

I am knackered now tho'!!!!!!

A good sob is generally a good thing I find . I always sleep better after a cry as well . It is good to be able to let it all out sometimes , and definetly not crazy .

Have you had to tell any RL friends yet ?
I really struggle with people who don't know Harrys story . I am sure most of the people who know me through Jamie who is at school now have no idea about Harry .
I think I tend to keep my distance from new people and making new friends as I never know when to have "that conversation" .

Iliketomoveitmove, I just saw your message to me on the other thread but can't post because it is full. Thank you too for your thoughts. It has been a tough year but we are getting through it. Glad that you got through the day and that all the 1st anniversaries will be out of the way soon. It is my friend's wedding anniversary on Monday which will be a difficult day so all her bridesmaids are taking her out for a lunch to mark the occasion and offer her support.

I know TW you know when people ask how many children you have I never know what to say. Should I say 3 and one is dead or 2 and deny his existence. I usually make a judgement call on who it is, where I am and whether I will see them again. Tis hard. Having the DCs helped me pick myself up but also didn't allow me time to grieve I think. In my mind I think you must have had it especially hard.

No need to tiptoe twofalls glad you are okay.

It always depends on who I am talking to and the situation or place we are in. Nowadays I always say 'I have had 4 sons.'

Right - off for my treat of the week - Asda - for big shop. Speak later girls xx

Have fun in Asda Shabs , I was supposed to be going to tesco 2 hours ago and I am still here

I think the friends at the school have just assumed Jamie is my eldest because they knew it was the first time to playschool and the infant school . I find people never really ask me outright but when they do I can just about manage to answer them truthfully and then I get "that" look from them .

He is still a big part of our family and want people to know about him but without freaking them out .

Right I have really got to go and do some stuff . I have stopped crying now at least so hopefully I won't scare any small children out there .
xx

oh the tears are blinding me as I read this today ladies

Everlong I echo everyone else.. glad you have come to join us but sorry you are here

I am sorry to say due to a neglectful midwife my little boy Fraser was stillborn in April 2004 (I cant believe he would be nearly 5 by now )

I know right now every little thing seems like a huge struggle and you feel you will never be happy again

Take solace from the fact that we have all been there and have come through the other side (well as much as anyone can)so we are all here for you.

have you made arrangements for the funeral.. or do you still have all those horrid decisions to make??

take care I am praying for all of your family tonight

OMG Ever - the day before his 21st birthday. We usually light candles in our homes, on our thread,when it is one of our childrens birthdays or 'remember' days (anniversary) I would very much like to light my candle on both days in respect for you and Oliver. Its just a small gesture but it is our way of showing our love and thoughts.

Welcome Everlong. I'm so sorry we have to meet in these circumstances. I too will light a candle for your ds next Weds.

TW - blimey, that poem explains exactly how I have felt and at times still feel. It's beautiful and sad all at the same time.

CM - thanks for sharing your story with us. I too keep a distance from 'new' people and find social situations awkward.