For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

It was my nephew's 2nd birthday yesterday so all the family were together including my DB's wife. Last year we were all there with DB (bald from the chemo but cheerful and happy). I have a beautiful picture of DB and wife holding my then 1 month old DS. We talked about him a lot but there is so much pain in the air as we do. Birthdays are very very hard. The missing is unbearable, they should be here.

x for you EM.

Thanks MissM. It was a hard day, felt tearful all weekend before as well. Had a cry in Sainsburys while out buying a birthday cake. What must people think?!

Feel ever so down at the moment, just keep thinking about Christmas and how he won't be there. I think there's a photo on my profile of him last year at Christmas, with a silly hat from a cracker on his head. It breaks my heart.

Funny how it's not getting easier. I thought it would.

My brother died 10 years ago, when he was 23, I was 20 at the time. He had epilepsy and had massive fit in the night and died.

The shock and grief at the time was unbearable. I don't think it really hit home properly though for a long time. My mum was worried because she didn't think that I was 'grieving'. Inside I was distraught and was just trying to hold it all together for them. Even 10 years on I don't feel I can talk to my parents about the time when he died, as it just too painful.

I am now their only child. So I do feel a pressure that the buck stops with me if they need anything. Not that I mind helping, but I have this feeling of dread of feeling like an orphan, when they die, even though I have my dh and my dd and ds.

It's difficult to talk to people in real life about how I feel, because I don't know anyone who has lost a brother or sister. So it is nice to be able to share here.

dustyteddy, thank you so much for sharing your story, and I'm so very sorry about your brother.

My middle brother said something similar about feeling the pressure of being the only boy to carry on my dad's family name. Also, about how he's the youngest now. It's unbearable to imagine the next ten years without my littlest brother. I think you are very brave.

Did you ever have any counselling? Or have someone other than your parents to talk to?

dustyteddy - thank you for sharing xx

The case goes to court on 29th December. The driver is pleading not guilty, which is to be expected I guess. The case will be opened then they will reconvene (sp) in 3 weeks to 3 months time to hear both sides. Even though the case is going to court on the 29th, it will not be fully heard, ut I am keen to go. I really want him to see us when he pleads not guilty. And I want to see him, his attitude. I just want justice for my brother's death. It is the driver's fault.

This is gonna be hanging over us all over the next 10 days. It's making me feel sick.

evansmummy - wishing you courage and sending love to get you through the wait and the court case - it must be like a huge cloud smothering you all. This time of year cannot help at all.

Hello everyone

EM I can't imagine how hard this must be. Very very tough. Lots of strength coming your way.

Evening everybody.

Sorry have not been about for a bit. evansmummy, how awful to have that hanging over you through Christmas. I would want to be there too, regardless of how hard it might be.

dustyteddy, hi. I lost my brother too and I too am the surviving child. I am glad you have found this thread. We can all help one another here. Sorry if I have not mentioned anybody in particular, just wanting to send you ALL Christmas Wishes and love.

Just scanned back and wanted to add to winetime, bloody well done, there is no way I could have done it, no way at all. What strength you pulled from the depths, he would be so proud of you.

Hi everlong, thanks for your message.

I just wish it were all over. I was beginning to feel like I'd made a bit of progress through this grief journey, albeit a tiny bit. But I always knew that the court case would set me back again, and indeed it has. I'm not especially angry at the man for pleading not guilty, he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and he's been advised by his solicitors, I expect, because causing death by dangerous driving is a very hard crime to convict on, apparently, particularly in our case as there were no independent witnesses. But the prosecution are very confident that this was the right charge to bring, so...

Lke I said, I want it all to be finished. Whatever the toucome, it won't bring my brother back. We'll still have to spend this and every Christmas without him. You know that too, though...

My GP advised counselling with the charity CRUSE, and gave me the number of the local office. They are great. I really look to that time as a kind of pillar in my week, iyswim. Even though it's always hard, I come away feeling lighter, more capable of getting through this. I would recommend it.

The maple is planted, and the plaque was delivered and put into place last week. I cry every time I see it. It just has his name and dates and the words "Amazing and much loved brother, son, uncle and friend." I'll look forward to the spring when it starts doing something!

Thank you for asking after me. How are you getting on?

hi , can i join? my little brother died in sept aged 11. have had such an emotional time of late especially finding out i was pregnant less than 4 weeks after he died. my families a mess. have been with my mum and sisters tonight as im at my partners parents for xmas, and she's the worst ive seen her i dont know what to do. this xmas is going to be so hard and i find myself crying all the time, even as i write this. i feel i have no one to talk to, my friends never mention his name anymore. im so glad this is here as others have been throught the same. sorry i dont know what else to say x x

((hugs)) for everyone at this time of year.

lydia , of course you can join and am so sorry about your little brother- I can understand a little how you feel as my brother was 10 when he died-a very long time ago now- do keep posting on this thread as there's lots of support.Thinking of you and your family xx

Hello lydia, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you all. Do keep posting here as we all have lots to offer (it may only be a soggy tissue but you are welcome to it !)

The first Christmas for me was such a blur and I think we were still on automatic pilot (We had lost John in the August) I hope you are getting plenty of support from your partner and parents. Your friends may not be mentioning his name becasue they have no experience of such a loss and therefore don not feel comfortable saying his name.

If you want to talk about him to them or anyone just strike up a conversation with them, it may help. I am spending Christmas with my parents this year and it will be so much more difficult this year. My brother died in a car crash 19 years ago. His girlfriend at the time remains to this day to be like a sister I never had. She went on to marry a wonderful man and have threee beautiful children with him, and expecting her fourth too !

He died in October She is so so sad and lives so far away. How cruel, she has now lost her beloved twice in one lifetime. We are sharing her pain and would do anything to be with her.

Anyways, thats my guts spilled (well partly !) Like we say, keep posting, it helps to get your feelings out in front of you on the screen, it may help you work through stuff or understand your feelings more. Big MN hugs. x

lydia, you're welcome here, of course. I'm so so sorry about your brother. It's awful to lose a sibling at any age, but yours was so young. My heart goes out to you.

My little brother died aged 24 in May after a hit and run accident. Most of my friends don't mention him either, but I know it's not because they don't care, only that they don't know what to say or how to say it. Vagina is right, find someone and strike up a conversation about your brother, find anyway possible with a close friend to get his name into the conversation. Have you thought about counselling? I find mine very helpful.

I wish you extra special peace for today, I think you just get through each minute as you can, and I'll be thinking of you.

everlong, thanks for your reply. Yes, the formalities drag on, don't they? I just want it over and done with. I'm dreading hearing how they'll try and make it Jonny's fault, when in my heart I know it wasn't. I've never had that strange feeling that he'd come back, but I have found myself looking twise at countless men of his size and build thinking it was him. Heartbreaking of course when you know it isn't.

Vagina, your story always makes me cry for you and your poor 'sil'. Strength for her today too.

The tears are already streaming down my face this morning. Just watched a short video taken Christmas last year of ds on his new bike and my brother lhao! Funny but so so so sad to know he's not here this year. I wish he could be.

Wow, I'm going on and on! I only came on to say I wish you all - pushki, MAS, Vagina, cyteen, lydia, The Oldest Cat, jeee, MissM, kdk, nemna, winetime, dustyteddy - strength and peace for today. Thinking of you all with love for a hard day xx

Thank you for your kind thoughts evansmummy.

I am also thinking of all of you today, with love. The comfort and support that I have felt from you lovely ladies has meant so much to me and I am so grateful for it.

I hope you are all having the best day possible and that 2009 is a better year for all of us.

Our missing loved ones will be forever in our hearts.

Love winetime xxxx

thinking of you all xxx

evansmummy - will be thinking of you today xx

evansmummy, hope today was somehow good for you. do keep us updated on the case if you can, or if you want to. i really wish that some measure of right will prevail, no matter how small a drop in the ocean it seems.

lydia, i am so sorry to hear about your brother's death how dreadful. what an emotional rollercoaster you must be on, with the pregnancy and all. i had my first baby, a boy, this year after losing my brother last year and i must say that it has been tremendously healing for us all. of course it is not as simple as one good thing balancing out one bad, but my little DS is such a joy, he is everything that life should be about and that gives us all something to hold onto when life just seems like a big worthless wasteland. i hope you can enjoy your pregnancy and take comfort in your very cute little girl (have just had a peek at your profile ).

feeling very odd today...have spoken to Cruse and put myself on the list for counselling (gulp).

wishing you all peace at this time of year...christmas was lovely but full of mixed emotions.

Thanks for your messages of support, comforting to know that you are thinking of me.

Yesterday went ok but it wasn't very pleasant. We went to Crown Court and thankfully were only second on the list for the preliminary hearing so didn't have to wait very long. Which was lucky because about 5 minutes after we got there the driver arrived. He looked neither arrogant nor nervous. But it was awful being in the same room as him. The hearing lasted only about 5 minutes, was just a lot of to-ing and fro-ing between the barristers and tyhe judge. The driver didn't even plead in the end. They basically set a timetable for the next steps in the process: 23rd March to hear his pleas (one for death by dangerous driving, one for dangerous driving following the accident), the not til 11th May for the trial itself, which will last 3+ days. I can't believe it's gonna be so long! That will make it almost a year after Jonny died (30th May). I wish it could be over quicker...

We also went to see where the accident happened, which was, of course, horrible. The police markings are still on the road and pavements from where they found evidence, where Jonny was laying etc. Very unpleasant. I can start to imagine the scene, what exactly happened, picture him getting tossed into the air. At least we could say, though, that he didn't die there.

All in all it was pretty rough being back there too. Driving past the hospital, the places where we stayed and ate that week.

I am pleased we went though. For all that it was awful, forewarned is forearmed and I'm glad to have been to court, seen the driver and have more of an idea bout the trial process. It's better than not knowing anything. We'll go back up in March, and meet the prosecutor and accident investigator. We'll need to decide if we want to see the photos of the scene. Not sure how I feel about that but I wouldn't like to be in court and for the jury to be looking at stuff that I haven't seen. Don't know yet.

Anyway, I'm going on too much. How were all your Christmases? I hope there was even a tiny bit of joy in them. I have been thinking of you all xx