For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

have been away but wanted to see how you got on evansmummy...as everlong says,you have been very brave and although this whole process must be so painful it may help you in the long term - hang on in there xxxx

I don't feel brave

I hate 2009. First calendar year without my special brother.

evansmummy, I too think you have done a grand job of keeping that chin up.

To go through all of the courst proceedings and visit the scene is traumatic enough. Such a shame you wont know the outcome until nearly a year will have gone by, the system is not a quick on is it ?

You have got through the first Christmas and New Year without him. They are the worst and each year is different from here on IMO.

In a funny (funny is not the right word but it is late) way having MN has helped me keep my brothers memory alive. In every day life I could not talk about him like I do here, not 19 years down the road. My DH didnt know him and his girlsfriend at the time is living her own personal hell at the moment. He is ALWAYS spoken of within the immediate family though and every now and then I see a glimmer of him in my DS.

So what I'm trying to say is keep posting, tell us anything you like. His favourite food, music, what he liked to wear etc. I'm always around for a chat or ramble

Hello everyone. I've not felt able to post before now but have looked at your messages and wish you all every strength we can find this year. EM the court hearing sounds horrendous but that's one hurdle over. My DB's wife is moving out of their flat next weekend and we're all going there on Saturday to say 'goodbye' to it. I'm very very nervous. That place has endless memories of the last year of his life, so many good but obviously towards the end desperately sad. He died there - the last time I was there it was stroking his hands and kissing his cheek before the undertaker took him. I'm really not sure how I'm going to be on Saturday.

Apart from that I am just desperately worried that I am not dealing with it. I've not cried for so long, not properly, and I just can't dream about him. All I seem to dream is about screaming at different people for different reasons, which I interpret as all the anger I felt leading up to his death coming out in my dreams. But otherwise I still feel numb and emotionless so much of the time. Why??? His loss is too too huge for me to even make sense of, so why can't I feel it?

Belated Happy New Year to all on this thread - although all of us possibly don't feel that 'happy' about it

EM - can't begin to think about how hard the whole court process must be. You will find the strength to see it all through somehow....

Miss M - your story & feelings always seems to resonate so much with mine. My DB's wife and children moved out of their house 8 months after he died and we all went round on the day they moved out. I will be honest & tell you it was bloody horrible - all the memories of my DB in there and seeing it empty etc.

When they moved to that house I remembered how excited and happy he was - it had great views and was in a great location for his passion of mountain biking. He was always like a big kid when he was excited. We had great times meeting up there over the years eventually with our children ( he had 2 girls, I've got 2 boys and they are same ages). Their 2nd DD was born there with me downstairs looking after the other DD.

Sadly then other memories are of the days over the last year before he died when I visited - particularly the day before he died, spending time just sitting next to him, massaging his feet while he looked out at the great views. He had told me during an earlier spell in hospital that he would try to imagine and visualise being out on those hills riding his bike as a way to distract himself from the reality. I still find it heartbreaking to think about that.

So, I haven't got any advice other than to expect it to be hard - although you might be able to remember some good times as well. Maybe take some photos?

About your lack of dreams - I found that as well and still rarely dream of him even though I am desperate to. I have only had a few over 5 years - my mum dreams about him more often. The numb feeling as well I had not long after he died - it will be a phase - just go with it and don't worry, those tears will come again. Are you having any bereavement counselling? I never did but wish I had in the first year especially - am thinking of ringing Cruse even though it's 5 years ago now.

Big hugs to everyone on the thread. A combination of that horrible flu bug and general business kept me away from MN over Xmas - good to read all your posts. As you say, VS - there is a comfort in talking about our DB's here on this thread.

MissM and pushki, thanks for your messages. No, not an easy process, and the knowledge that it's gonna drag on for another 6 months just drags me down daily.

MissM, I went through a similar numb stage too. I think it is as you say, this is such a huge thing to try to comprehend. It's like you shut down for a bit so as to keep yourself from going over the edge. As pushki said, the tears will come again and you'll wonder if they'll ever stop then the whole cycle starts again. It's one off the things I find the hardest, just never knowing how I'm gonna feel from one moment to the next.

Talking about it helps some. I'd be literally lost without my counsellor (also from Cruse, pushki, go for it!). She's amazing. And I look to those times as litle moments of stability.

Only three days of work left to go...

Am wondering more and more about counselling. Don't have anything against it, just not sure I'm ready yet.

We sorted out his flat. Driving there was very hard - I bawled and bawled as I drove through the area where the three of us had a meal the day he was told about his brain tumours. Then getting to the flat I expected to see him on the bed as I had the last day we were there. The sorting itself wasn't so bad - quite cathartic and we had a laugh at the crazy number of shirts and trousers he had. But then when I got home and was sorting the clothes I'd taken one shirt smelt of him so much that it was like I was holding him. I should have held him more, want so much to now. I'm wearing one of his jumpers and it makes me feel close to him. That's not weird is it?

Miss M - not weird at all - I still have my DB's sock that he was wearing the day he died, haven't washed it and stays by my bed or under my pillow - now I think that might be weirder .

Also was given one of his mountain biking tops by his wife and wear it whenever I'm out on my bike.

MissM I have done exactly the same thing with a shirt of my db's - I keep picking it up and hugging it to me as it smells of him. Sadly though the scent has already started fading.

And like pushki I also keep his watch by my bedside and a little box with a lock of his hair. I find it comforting to have his things around me but as my dining room is stacked high with his stuff I am going to eventually have to sort it out and I am dreading the thought of having to dispose of any of it.

When we sorted Jonny's house, there was one of his vests that he used for working out. It smeled of his sweat and I sat for ages with my face buried in it. We also picked up his electric razor and clippers and I later took them apart to save some of his hair.

We're all weird!

Anything that keeps him physically close will do, and I don't care what people think of it. It's important for me.

this might sound very weird too but after db died I found some of his pants in his cupboard - I didn't take them away, but I knew they were there,tucked up behind other things..the very sad thing was that they were blood stained from when he must've been first ill ( he had a kidney cancer) and he'd pushed them to the back of the cupboard..obviously didn't want my mum to see..they made me feel so sad but equally I couldn't show my mum
I kept his teddy bear which I still have now and he is much treasured.

I don't think any of it is weird, it is just part of cherishing the person you have lost and trying to keep them close.

When I cleared out my brother's house I found it very hard to throw anything away, consequently I now have all sorts of things of his from his hairbrush to the bottle of bleach that was by his loo. I thought that I would reach a point where I could let things go without the anguishing feeling that I was getting rid of him with his things iyswim. I haven't got there yet.

Oh it's such a relief to read everything you say. It's lovely. I don't want to wash his clothes either. Thank you everyone, I feel sort of held up after reading your messages.

I hope you didn't find my post upsetting, it wasn't meant to be shocking or upsetting to any of you but the poignancy of finding his things has always stayed with me, he must have been so frightened of what was happening but couldn't say anything, poor little boy

MaryAnn I felt that your post conjured up a very evocative image both of your db which is heart wrenching especially as he was so young but also of you and how much you loved him and wanted to protect your mum.
It was good that you shared that with us. I think we gain strength from hearing each others stories.

thank you winetime

You must have been really frightened too MAS. I found your message very very sad, for you as well as him. I echo winetime - thanks for sharing [hug]

Thanks all of you. I know my other brother thinks the keeping of shaved heair is morbid, but I'm heartened to hear that others have done that sort of thing too.

Winetime, I did the samre thing. I have loads of random stuff that I just can't throw away - his deodorant, a lighter, a small plastic toy soldier, his bottle of Kalms, his exercise plan, his lunchbox, as well as more personal stuff like the cuddly rabbit he gave me for my 17th birthday. He sleeps in my bed with me every night. As for the other stuff, it's gone into a memory chest with the photos and letters etc.

It's painful even thinking about it.

I love my brother dearly and cant ever imagine losing him. Your brother looks so lovely .....your pain must be unbearable.

Just reading the recent comments, my Mum died 7 years ago this year, I have, amongst other things, an old fashioned case full of her thing like glasses, shoes, make up bag, cards, letters etc, I very often go through it. Some of the things I love the most are that her glasses still have her fingerprints on them, her make up is as when she last used it; the angle of the lipstick, the tissue still smells of her and you can see her toe marks in her shoes.

We're not wierd, it's part of them that's still with us and it makes me feel that I've still a bit of her.

My last day at work today. Not sure if it's a or a . Feel like bits of me are being chipped away and I have to rebuild myself. Quite scary. I never wanted this...

Be brave EM, remind yourself that you are totally doing the right thing. Have a look back at your former posts when you resigned and it'll remind you why you're doing it. You do have to rebuild yourself - we all do after our terrible losses. You're just starting out on that rebuilding. You can look back for years afterwards and see how brave you are/were.

Hope they give you a good send off x

hope it's all ok today evansmummy- am sure it's the right thing for you xxx

Smells...I can still conjure up the smell of my brother's hair so clearly. It makes me think of him lying in the hospital, sliding gently away

My SIL gave me a load of Si's tapes before Christmas and I am having fun listening to them all, lots of nice memories there I like to see his small, neat handwriting on the cassette cards and think about the songs he put on his personal mixtapes.

Still waiting for my initial contact from CRUSE...it is nervewracking. I'm not very good at being vulnerable.

EM how did it go?

Glad you're getting good memories Cyteen. I'm still at a wobbly stage seeing my brother's writing. We found notebooks with lots of his song lyrics in and it was hard for me to read them. Gosh, isn't grief the weirdest, strangest, loneliest thing? I can't talk to anyone about it properly except you guys!