For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Have woken up under a black cloud today. Just can't stop crying

Winetime, thinking of you today. Let us know how you managed when you can.

EM, I am thinking of you too. I can't stay on here very long as the Night Garden is about to end, but please know that if I could I would give you a hug. I hope someone can in reality, but here's a virtual one at least [hug] I think the worst is that it's such a lonely feeling isn't it.

x

hug for evansmummy from me too xxx

Thank you for your hugs.

Awful awful day. Just want it to be over.

winetime, how did you get on today?

evansmummy, I hope today has dawned a bit brighter for you

Feeling better this morning.

Off to Brum to see a friend for the weekend. Excited about having some 'time off'!

Hope your weekends are ok. Thanks for your messages yesterday xx

winetime, you'll be in my thoughts this weekend xxxxxxxx

have a good time evansmummy and hope you are ok winetime xxx
Do excuse me if I'm not often here this week as my parents have just moved house -they are living at the end of my garden -or rather in the house that backs on to my garden - so am busy trying to help unpack and organise them - but will be thinking of you

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. It means so much to me.

Friday was a very odd day really. I thought I would have been in a terrible state anticipating the funeral but I was strangely very calm. I had a bit of a wobble part way through the eulogy but I concentrated on the tips you had given me { so thank you all for that - it really did help pull me through } and got through it . My sister though had trouble saying her part and I did what MissM's dh had done for her and stood with her with my arm around her back. holding her as she spoke. So we both got through it and held it together { mostly }, managed to take our seats and then our resolve melted as we listened to the music we had chosen. which was special to our brother, as his body was committed. It was like a floodgate opening and we clung together and sobbed.

Afterwards lots of people told us how proud our brother would have been of us and that we had done a good job for him which meant the world to us and was comforting. I am so pleased I managed to do it but now the temporary euphoria of getting through a stressful event has gone and the feelings of loss are as strong as ever. I still can't believe he has gone - ridiculous as I went to see him in the funeral home. I don't know what will make me believe it.

I think my feelings are complicated by the way he died and I feel like there will never be any resolution to them. All I can hope for is that in time it becomes less raw as it still does seem unbearable at the moment.

Thank you all again - I'm so pleased I found this thread as it really, really helped me get through Friday.

Winetimexx

Winetime - well done for doing that,your brother would be so proud I'm sure and it will have meant so much to your family and friends - it was a very brave thing, but am sure the fact that you did it will be some comfort to you in time. I How he died must be very difficult to deal with and I can't imagine your feelings - do come back to talk whenever you feel you can as there are lots of us here who'd like to try to help.

Winetime - just to say well done for getting through Friday - of course your brother would be so proud of both of you. It will mean a lot to you both that you managed it and be a real comfort - although nothing will really feel that comforting at the moment. I agree with your description of the 'temporary euphoria' and that afterwards it can really hit you much stronger and the rawness will be painful for a while sadly - particularly as you may get that feeling that you should be 'getting back to normal'. Someone said to me months after my brother died that I should never feel guilty for continuing to grieve and feel the loss of my brother for always - and I think that is so true - its almost reassuring to hear people say you are 'allowed' still to grieve.

Take care and big hug xxx

Well done for getting through Winetime. I glad you and your sister have one another. It is such a tragedy. Are there any clues at all as to why your brother might have done this? Don't answer that now, but if you want to come back here and talk it through then do.

Have had a lovely weekend away with friends that I've been looking forward to for ages. Except that yesterday morning I woke up and just cried and cried and cried. It came from nowhere.

Winetime, I'm so glad that you got through your brother's funeral. Well done for being able to support your sister too. You should both be proud of yourselves, it will be perhaps a comfort in years to come that you were able to do that for your brother.

MissM, glad too that you had a good weekend. Sorry about the tears. I've had lots of that over the last week. A very bad week by all accounts.

I am turning into the Grinch who stole Christmas. Have two parties this week, and am not looking forward to either. Don't feel much like celebrating, hate receiving cards, hate even more seeing the cards that my parents receive that don't have Jon's name on (most so far have tactfully put [Mum's name], [Dad's name] and family). He should be here.

Thanks goodness my counsellor is coming this afternoon...

Yes, Christmas feels very weird this year. I find myself wondering who put up all these lights and decorated all these trees and why on earth they think there is something to celebrate. I've asked my family not to give me any presents but to donate the money to charity instead, and I'm going to explain to my friends that I won't be sending cards but will donate the money. It feels a bit bah humbug but I just can't contemplate sitting down to write 'Have a lovely Christmas, hope your new year is wonderful'. It feels so fake. I also don't want people to feel they have to put something meaningful in my cards. Would rather not get any at all.

God, I sound like a right miserable old git don't I.

no you don't MissM...it feels a little odd to be writing a Christmas card to MIL without putting FIL on it this year - it's his birthday on Wednesday and he'd have been 89, so we will mark the day with cakes as he loved them.
I can barely remember the first Christmas without my brother,it was so very long ago, but I imagine it must have felt very odd. I do think back though and remember fondly the lovely Christmas Eves we spent not sleeping and waking up at about 1am to open our presents (we shared a room for a long time) - I remember the smell of some funny violet scented perfume I was given which we put on his teddy - I still have him,very tatty but precious.

EM and Miss M - yes that 'bah humbug' feeling is very strong in the first year or two and entirely justified so don't feel too guilty! Even now I sense my sadness rising in the weeks before Christmas and generally become a bit more irritable with my DH - luckily he is often more perceptive than me in realising why.

Hearing about other peoples family plans for Xmas and particularly when they mention brothers and sisters just highlights the loss. Sadly also my sister-in-law and two nieces are round the other side of the world now - that's another story to tell - and so we don't even have them around. My brother was my only sibling so Christmas is spent at ours with my parents coming up for the afternoon and Boxing Day - and always a toast to him and a few tears at some point.

The first Christmas after he died I didn't send any cards either - couldn't face it, but I did send out some notecards a couple of months later to some people to explain - i.e. those people who not in contact with other than Xmas so who didn't know - and actually received some lovely letters back from people. Reminds you how nice it is to receive a handwritten letter.
x

Completely agree with all the Christmas weirdness sentiments - last year there wasn't even a question of my family doing Christmas, we just met up with each other for a pub lunch a few days after the event and spent the actual day in our own ways, remembering him. This year DP, DS and I are having Christmas day at my dad's but I doubt there will be much festivity - just a nice lunch, a few token gifts and a lot of marvelling over DS and generally making the most of being together. Am hoping it stays dry so we can go out for a walk in the park afterwards, it's one of my favourite places and somewhere I spent a lot of my childhood with Si

I don't feel 'bah-humbug', but I do feel very sad. I nearly had a bit of a melt-down at the school fair - the mix of Christmas songs and paralympic posters up in the school hall all got a bit much for me, though I did manage to hold it together. I am trying very hard to remind myself how much she would have wanted the kids to have a great christmas.

Thank you all for your kindness and support. It is much appreciated.

I would like to talk about what happened with my brother, as I think it might help me to sort through some of my feelings but don't feel I can at the moment - it just still seems too raw. I will come and post when I feel more able.

I do keep my eye on the thread though even though I may not be posting - I find comfort in the fact that we can all understand and empathise with each other's feelings.

Winetimex

do that winetime - we'll be here xx

It's my NCT group Christmas party this evening. Am making an effort but have my mum on standby in case it's awful. Have already been to a Christmas social morning for my posible new home group. And it didn't really go too well. After about a half hour I started to panic and cry, had a real job of reigning myself in. I feel a bit like I'm falling apart this week.

winetime, whenever you're ready. It does help to get it out. There'sll be no judgement or anything else here, just support and understanding.

I wish he was here...

just had another look at your pictures of your db evansmummy - he looks lovely. My brother should be on mine..it was taken when he was nearly 9 - we were on holiday with friends in Spain and they had a very glamourous au pair which I think he had a crush on !

everlong, it was me. I thought it honest too. Made me cry a lot, I identified with so much od what Lewis wrote about his feelings. The faith stuff too.

Off to have a bath in the hope that it'll cheer me up a bit.

Please wish me luck...

I need to get hold of that book. Have been desperately searching for something that articulates how I feel. Felt really worried today cos I haven't cried for about a week but am now sitting in bed with tears streaming down my face. My brother had too much life to go. I feel very very lonely - even my other brother who I thought would be my comfort feels a long way away. I thought we would be able to prop each other up, but he seems so distant. My mum is somewhere I can't get to and my DD is way beyond the age she should have been potty trained and I just don't know how to survive this.

EM I hope you managed to have a good time. We moved a couple of months before my brother died and I haven't met anyone here yet. I really miss my NCT group that I left behind. I know you may not feel very connected to them right now, but having them will be helping in ways you don't know.

I wish we weren't all so very sad.

MissM, me too. I had a couple of weeks where I thought I was ok. I felt strange to not cry every day. This last two weeks feels like it did right back at the beginning. He should be here. It's my ds's birthday on Monday. My brother was always here for it. I'm really gonna miss him not helping me organise everything for the birthday tea. I want him back so so much.