For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Hello everyone, I've been thinking about you all a lot (which sounds kind of weird, seeing as we've never all met!) I'm glad we seem to have got going again a bit. I had a horrible lurch the other night while reading to my DD, for some reason my brother came in to my head and I suddenly thought, 'he's DEAD'. I had to really control the sudden sickening feeling to carry on reading. Yesterday I cried and cried and cried. But today, eyes are dry as a bone. I don't get it.

Cyteen, you don't sound like a weirdo. I've only dreamt twice about my bro too and it worries me that that isn't 'normal'. Going back to work was strange too - my manager said some really caring and genuine things. The rest of my team - nada. Like nothing had happened.

EM, how did your resignation go? It was today right?

Thanks all for your support. It couldn't have gone better today. They were more supportive than they have been since Jonny died. They even congratulated me on making such a positive decision for the future. All that sickening worry for nothing . It feel like a weight off and just reaffirms that it's the right thing to do.

pushki, you sound very wise! It is like connecting with my brother, though I hadn't thought of it that way. It is also taking time out to think just of him, not be interrupted, you know? I'm looking forward to spending time with my other brother too.

cyteen, how strange to have a dream about now stuff with your brother intertwined! And breast milk! Not sure how Si would feel about that, either !!! I wish I could have more dreams about my brother. My dad had a very vivid dream last night. Said he walked into the house and Jonny was there, as if nothing had happened. He said it was so real, like a visitation. He took it to mean Jonny is ok, wherever he is, he's ok. Made me wobble to hear my dad talking like that.

MissM, I know what you mean - it's so disconcerting to be going up and down all the time. And often there's no rhyme nor reason. I'm in a really numb stage - most of the time don't feel anything. But then will have these periods in a day of just solid watery eyes if not full-on crying. It definitely doesn't get easier, but it is different. My work were like that too - only the people from my small team of 4 said anything to me, the others said nothing. Like if they didn't mention it it wasn't really there. I have hated that.

It will be 6 months on Sunday. Can't believe it's alreayd half a year, but at the same time, feels like a lifetime. I just wish I could turn back the clocks and have him here again.

Thanks for carrying on posting - I too think about you all and take some small comfort in knowing there are others like me out there, with similar pain and regret

am so sorry,have been out of touch on this thread for a little while - sometimes I feel I can't write anything helpful, so would rather not say anything, but I do think of you all.

Just got an update from the police. The driver who knocked down my brother and then drove off is being charged with causing death by dangerous driving. Court case probably some time in the New Year. It may sound mean, but I am pleased they have decided to charge him with that and not something lesser, which was our fear for a time. Now just have to hope he doesn't plead not guilty and get off. Mean again, but I do want some justice for my brother's death.

This time 6 months ago. My hand on your chest when your heart stopped beating. My heart breaking. Love you, Jonny, always xx

evansmummy,thinking of you - you have brought tears to my eyes with those few words Thinking of you today, big hug

me too,evansmummy xxx

Glad about your police news. I hope it helps move you on a little.
x

Hello everyone. How are you all? I found out today that the reason no-one at work had said anything was because my 'helpful' manager had just told them that I'd 'had a bereavement' and 'didn't want to talk about it'. Am mightily pissed off. I was talking to another member of the team and he asked, and I told him and all of a sudden I was crying and crying. It's so strange that people think they are being helpful but just end up causing hurt.

Anyway, DH thinks I should send an email round clarifying things for everyone. I'm not sure. What do you think?

yes, that sounds very sensible to me MissM - people mean well but it's such a frightening thing I think - I guess it's not in our British way to be 'easy' with death

My brother died 2 weeks ago today. His funeral is tomorrow. I am planning to deliver the eulogy but don't know if I will be able to as I feel so grief stricken but I so want to do it for him.

It is all so raw at the minute. I don't know how to desl with the thought I will never see him agaim. I just want him back

Winetime - so very sorry about your brother..you are very brave to do the eulogy - when my FIL died a few months ago 3 of his sons,including dh,read something,dh wrote a little piece and eldest BIL wrote and read a very moving and wonderful eulogy - it made everyone sad yet proud because it said exactly how we all felt about him - am sure you will do your brother proud and I think doing it helped dh and his brothers very much. Lots of kind thoughts to you for tomorrow xxx

Thank you christmas. I just don't want to let him down. My sister is sharing the task with me. I just want to convey how much he meant to me , but it is very difficult.It is something I never thought I would have to do as his death was sudden and unexpected.
I will do my best and try and just say what is in my heart.

good for you - I'm sure you'll be great,we'll be thinking of you too

Winetime - so sorry about your brother, particularly as it was so sudden - my thoughts are with you. I hope you can find the strength to read the eulogy tomorrow with your sister - it doesn't matter if you break down and cry. I couldn't at my brothers funeral and my DH read it instead - and I do wish now I had been able to. Whatever happens your brother will be with you in some way tomorrow I'm sure - it is so raw and unbearable in those first few days, but I remember finding moments when I could feel my brother's presence around me so strongly in all that grief. Your comment ' I just want him back' is heartbreaking and is still how I feel 5 years on - sadly it will be a rocky road for you and your family, but you will find strength to carry on as your brother would want you to.

I hope all goes OK tomorrow and hope you find some support and comfort from here when you need to, big hug xx

Thank you both for your kind words and thoughts. It means a lot to me.

I'm worried I will break down pushki as like you I really want to be able to do this for him. It is so hard - I have never felt anything like the grief I feel now. Like my heart has been ripped out.

He took his own life which has left so many unanswered questions and regrets that are all mixed in with the overwhelming grief. I have had to deal with some very upsetting things over the past 2 weeks and I don't know how I have got through it really.It all feels very hard to bear.

Oh so sorry to hear how he died - you must all be going through utter hell. Just be there for each other, get as much support as you can, go with your feelings and as hard as it is obviously is - somehow you will keep going. Things will never be the same and I'm not going to say it will get easier with time - it will just get different and whilst your heart feels ripped out - he will always be a part of you for ever......
xx

Winetime, I'm so so sorry What an unbearable blow.

Be proud of yourself for wanting to speak for him but don't give yourself a hard time if on the day it is too much. If I may offer a few practical tips that I found useful when giving my brother's eulogy: take deep breaths and don't be afraid to stop and breathe in/give yourself a minute where necessary; read it through out loud a few times to sound out any points that might be 'flashpoints' iyswim. Some people told me they imagined they were speaking to their lost loved one and that that helped them, but personally I found just shutting everything out and concentrating on my words and where they had come from worked for me.

I wish I could offer you more than these small practicalities Thinking of you.

Oh, winetime, i'm so sorry about your brother. I too lost my brother very suddenly, though in different circumstances. I think you're very brave wanting to read your brother's eulogy, and I'm sure your famil will be proud of you, whether you manage it or not. I read my Nanna's at her funeral only 6 weeks before my brother died, and I would defnitely echo cyteen's advice about deep breaths. I had to pause several times to steady myself, and that's ok. At my brother's funeral I read a short poem and just blocked everything and everyone out. You'll just do what you need to on the day.

These first few days are awful, and 6 months ago, I can promise you that I would never have been capable of posting support for others, but here I am... Just do whatever you need to do to get through each day. One day at a time. Keep posting if you find it helps, there'll most times be someone nearby.

Sending you one of our threads' special big hugs xx

MissM, I just think people don't know how to deal with death! And I guess neither did I until it happened to me. But how annoying that it means you have to suffer more.

I think an email would be a good idea. That way you get yourself heard without having to say it over and over. Hopefully people will feel more open with you. I formally handed in my resignation on Tuesday, an email went around the staff team the same day, and only one person of 20 has said anything to me. Weird.

How are you finding being back at work?

Winetime, I have tears in my eyes reading your messages. How very very sad. I read a eulogy at my brother's funeral and as soon as I began turned to DH and said 'I don't think I can do this'. he said 'Yes you can, you MUST', and he stood behind me with his hand on my back the whole time. Do you have someone who can do that? Perhaps your sister? Breathe deeply as the others said and focus very strongly on him and you will do it. I didn't look at anyone but every time I got wobbly told myself I must do it, and I have been grateful every day that I did. Is there anything funny in it? I said something funny about him at the beginning that he'd done as a kid and everyone laughed, and that really relaxed me and helped dry up the tears.

I want my brother back too. It's an unbearable feeling. This is a good thread cos you can take comfort that we know exactly what it's like.

EM - work is ok, I'm glad I'm there really. Just hate this pretence about everything being fine, and I realise how not ok I am when I do talk about it like with my colleague yesterday. But I'd rather be there strangely, I do enjoy it. Well done for resigning. I will compose my email but don't know how without crying all the time! I think it's the right thing to do though.

MissM - bit belated but yes I think the work email is a good idea. I did something similar to my work colleagues - not every one - but those who knew that my brother had been unwell and who knew me quite well. You're right about how it can feel really odd at work - as we almost want everyone to know in someway don't we? although also I was always very aware that I didn't want to break down in tears to everyone every minute of the day!

Funnily enough yesterday at work a colleague I hadn't seen for a while bumped into me and remembered about my brother and we had a teary moment, as she had lost a brother some years ago - there's something so comforting when you are with someone who has gone through it, as there does not have to be too much explanation - you both know what that awful feeling of loss is.

EM - agree, 'weird'- but also as you say, for people who haven't experienced a bereavement it is more out of not knowing what or whether to say anything than anything else - but it does feel odd at times doesn't it? We just don't do 'death' that well I think in our culture - my mum is Greek and the whole mourning thing and dressing in black obviously can be a bit over the top - but actually at times I have really seen the sense in it. They follow a lot of traditions, mainly to do with the church, but it actually provides a real comfort and way of displaying your grief and loss. Don't worry though - I don't dress in black and go around wailing, and neither does my Mum!

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I will use the tips on how to get through the speech tomorrow. Thank you for giving me the benefit of your experience.

I have just finished and printed off my eulogy and having read through it several times to my dh am now feeling quite resolute and a little more confident that I will get through it without breaking down.

MissM you're right, the feeling of wanting them back and knowing that it is hopeless is unbearable - I don't know how you ever move past it and live a normal life again.

I too am so pleased to have seen this thread and be able to talk to people that understand how you are feeling - I saw it for the first time today, it seems to have been there when I really needed it.

I appreciate all of your good vibes and will take them with me and they will help to bolster me up tomorrow afternoon.
Thank you all

Winetimexxx

thinking of you today xxxx

btw Winetime, don't know whether you'd seen these two threads before - both may be helpful
here
and
this one