I'm so sorry, all, for my absence. I haven't known what to write. I feel very selfish atm, and am completely lacking in sympathy, so have felt awful, and unable to post.
Seenyertoes, I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. You poor thing, it's all so raw for you right now, and it can feel insurmountable at times, if not always. But we are here to support you as much as you need. It has been a great place for me, and even when there are periods when one of us can't post cos it's too hard or whatever, the others always understand. That's the point of this thread really, a place of understanding from others who've lost a sibling. We're the forgotten bunch really, there's always a thought for the parents, of course there should be, but people often don't realise how hard it is also to lose a brother or sister. We are here for you.
MissM, I'd echo shelley's post. As I said to seenyertoes, loss of a sibling is misunderstood. Maybe that's why your colleague didn't respond in the same way to you. She should have though .
My 'charge' at work, G, participated in sports day yesterday. It was amazing really, considering that a year ago he was barely out of surgery for a massive brain injury. The head at my school said to me today, that she literally had tingles down her spine at watching him take part in the sack race, and what an amazing recovery he has had. I wanted to shake her (she knows about Jonny). That should be my brother! Whay wasn't he given that chance?
I keep freaking out. Similar to you MissM, I can remember vividly the days leading up to Jonny's death, the smells, emotions, images keep whirring around my mind. I feel like I'm losing it (winetime, I soooo feel your words!) Isn't it supposed to get easier as time goes on?
Shelley, those anniversaries are a bugger. I'm told that one day we'll smile through them. I can fully understand how disappointing, and painful, the inquest must have been for you and your family. It was for us too. Accidental death. There's no accident in driving to endanger other people's lives. I feel I (and maybe you?) will live with that anger and resentment forever. I keep imagining him being hurtled into the air, hitting the windscreen and thudding his skull onto the tarmac. It is driving me mad.
My son's school has a temporary speed trap outside it as it's a spot renowned for speeding. The school are lobbying for a permanent one and this is the first step. I went today to keep a tally of how many times it was set off. 38 in a half hour in a 30mph zone. I was enraged (I hope you lot never break the speed limit ). But it made me realise that even 30mph is frightening when there's a pedstrian involved. Every car that set off the trap made me imagine a body being knocked off it's feet. Mad, I tell you. Completely obsessed and losing the plot.
You see what happens: I don't post for ages then it all comes pouring out!