For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

When you're ready sweetheart. I'm sorry you're struggling. I am thinking of you lots. xx

hi all, thought id show my face again.

Sorry your struggling atm EM, im keeping you in my thoughts. I'm plodding along atm ave been unwell for a few days and have court again next week will go however iim feeling. I want to be tere to see if db will get justice. I haven't got the date for the inquest yet i know its before my dbs birthday but mum wouldnt tell me when it is. She's known for a little wile found out the day before my wedding and didnt want me thinking of matt and wats going on more than i already do and i haven't d cance to ask since ive been back from honeymoon, was going to then my grandma arrived so decided it wasnt the best idea.

Hi evans mummy thank you for posting - sorry to hear of your loss - I am not in a good place at the mo - feeling really down and tearful - feel like someone has ripped my heart out - not coping too well and heartbroken - its a bad day will be in touch when I perk up a little - take care.

Paris, you post whenever you're ready to. But don't feel you have to perk up first. Lots of us whinge and cry on here, that's what it's for. Don't feel you need to have a brave face amongst us, we know how it feels. Can you talk to us about your brother? But there's no pressure. As I say, post when you're ready.

I was in tears in the playground at work today, looking at G and wishing it was my brother. Lucky I had my dark glasses on. Tomorrow at 23.50 it will be two years since Jonny was knocked down. He should be here. He'd be out in the sun, in the garden with socks and no shoes, chucking a frizbee around. Paris is right, it feels like my heart has been ripped out.

MissM, my evening out was good. It was nice to be among new people, as you say, but it was always at the back of my mind that they didn't know and should. Luckily they were all very feet on the ground people so there was no whingeing about pointless stuff like not being able to find the right tiles for the new pool, or getting a flat tyre and it being the end of the world, like some other friends. This kind of moaning really pisses me off. I understand that normal people get bothered by stuff, but ffs does it really matter.

And btw, no, I don;t feel normal. Not anymore. Example, I got in from work at one o'clock today and had a rum and coke in the sun

I know what you mean - you feel like the whole world should know. I sometimes want to scream at people 'don't you know my brother is dead?????!!!!' But as you get to know them you'll find out who you can trust and you'll share it with them. Personally the majority few people who I've told since moving here have been amazing, and I feel as though I have a special bond with them as a result, which is lovely and helps hugely.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day for you. They're all tough days. I'm also sitting at home, under real threat of redundancy at work and my heart's not in it.

thinking of you tomorrow EM x

Hey EM, hope you're as ok as you can be today xx

Thanks caffeine and MissM. Yesterday was an awful day. I had to leave work early because I just couldn't cope. I came home and had a good cry, which was a release, and I've felt a bit better since then. We fly to France on Saturday so we will be with my folks for Sunday. It is keeping me going.

Those hospital memories are vivid.

Jonny was taken into hospital on the Sunday night. On the Tuesday my folks, brother and I went driving out to Pudsey to look for a chippy called the Wetherby Whaler. We had fish and chips , and trifle of all things, while Jonny was dying in hospital. It seems absolutely grotesque now. But we didn't know.

Been thinking of you EM. You didnt know he was dying so you need to feel guilty about going to the chippy. I know that doesnt mean you wont feel it though.

The justice system seams to be a bit of a joke. My brothers killer got no seperate punishment for driving without due care and attention. He did however get 10 weeks imediate imprisonmant for fleeing the scene of the accident and failing to report it. That churns my stomach constantly as he left came back to mess with matt then go again before dumping his bike at my dbs flat and running up the street saying he'd been told his mates been in an accident where is he?, where is he?. Also got 10 weeks imprisionmant for not having the correct license. He's got a couple of endorsements to go on his license and has a 3 year driving ban. We finally have some justice for him but its a kick in the teeth. I nearly shouted at his mum, she started crying as he was being led away. So wanted to say to her that you get your son back in 20 weeks. Yours made sure my parents would never get theirs back.

Will continue thinking of you EM.

He sounds charming shelley

yes very much so i agree. Who needs enemies with a friend like that

Sounds so grim Shelleylou.
EM thinking of you. Your Pudsey ref reminded me when my sister was dying of cancer in Brighton hospital. I sat with her for a couple of days and nights, and when she was deeply unconscious left to come home and see my children, planning to return the following day. On way home with husband realised hadn't eaten and stopped in restuarant. It was bizarre - full of young people having a great time, good music etc. The biggest contrast to a hospital dying room conceivable. A waitress asked us if we were enjoying our holiday - obviously we looked so incongrous. I answered that I wasn't on holiday, just spending time at the hospital waiting for my sister to die.

It is but that part is over now just the inquest next month to go to now. Im dreading it, i have no illusions that it is going to be incredibly hard both emotionally and knowing what happened. Will get the reports and statements from people involved to read through at some point too. My mums always makes me cry she points out in it that db was a doting uncle to my ds and also his godfather gets me everytime last time in court it hit me more but i had the realisation that db was never coming back. I'm rather glad that H2B's auntie has moved her wedding forward was going to be august but has moved it to a few days after the inquest means i have something nice to look forward to between inquest and db's birthday. Just hope that i can actually get the day of work. Cant have it as a holiday but my boss is trying to sort something out so i can have it off anyway which i thought was really nice.

Thinking of you all

EM, don't know if you'll check in today but if you do this is just to let you know that I'm thinking of you and have been all week. I hope you are coping xxx

I will need to start thinking about the wording on Caroline's gravestone soon. I owe it to her to give her a proper memorial but I simply don't know what to include.

Do I have two stones, one for Caroline and one for my Mum who died shortly after Caroline. One big stone, or what?

oneofapair What a horrible decision to have to make. On the stones - honestly not trying to be unhelpful, but you just have to decide what's right for you.

caffeineaddict, we had some similar experiences with restaurants when my brother was dying. Because it took four days, and most if not all of us were there constantly, we took it in turns to pop out and grab some food. Because he was in UCLH, we were smack in the middle of tourist town. Sitting in a spaghetti house, watching people go about their everyday business, asking each other what we were going to order, when we all knew what was happening.

Had a visit from my family yesterday, it was intensely stressful and guilt inducing. I'm not cut out to be an only child. Simon had all the patience!

Cyteen. it's awful, but it does help that you've had the same kind of experience. Am trying to care for elderly parents who live some distance away. Could really do with my sister to help - feel selfish for admitting it. But its awful how the experience of bereavement keeps knifing at every opportunity.x

Yesterday I went to Caroline's grave. I was sitting on my usual bench when I quite clearly heard her call my name - not once but twice.

There was nobody else around but there was a little whirlwind about six feet behind me that slowly rose up into the sky. That was Caroline going back to heaven to wait for me.

Spooky but it has given me great comfort neverheless.

Its lovely when things like that happen. Glad it brought you some comfort. I find it brings comfort to me too, i get symbols being shown to me so i know my db is around. I was thinking of him and his bike when i was walking home the other day looked up to see his best mate on his bike turning off my street. Dont usually see him in this area.

Hi everyone.

Sorry I haven't been around for a while - have had a period of trying to block it all out that hasn't been too successful. I seem to be on a 'grief cycle' - I can almost feel normal again for a while { but then feel guilty about this } then have periods, like now, where the grief is really raw again.

We lost our much loved guinea pig a couple of weeks ago and I have been really upset about it { he was 7 years old and a little sweetie }, which I always am if a pet dies, but I am still getting tearful about it - can't walk past the salad aisle at Sainsbury's without tearing up as I would always stop and look for things for the guinea pig. It probably sounds ridiculous but I think it is bringing stuff back about how I felt in the early days after my db died.

I feel like I am losing the plot a bit at the minute and then I come on here and read the threads and see that we are all going through such similar emotions and I don't feel quite so out of step with the world.

Hi winetime,
I know what you mean about the grief cycle i seam to be back at the very begining at the moment. I'm sure you not losing the plot however much it may seam it at times.

We had the inquest into my brothers death on thursday. We got a verdict of accidental death. I hate it, even death by misadventure would have been better as it sounds like something went wrong. We were quite lucky as the reporter at the inquest is an old school friend of mine so we knew the general idea of the article. It was strange the rider of the bike being connected with my db It was the first time that is name has been published.

I am in tears reading all these stories. My dear brother (2 years younger than I) died of cancer in March after a 2 year struggle. He was a fantastic bloke who could get on with anyone and maintained a cheerful disposition until the end. He was a real pillar in my life and I still can't accept that he is no longer in the world.

Unfortunately I am on the other side of the world from all my family and this makes it more difficult to bear. I feel so sorry for his widow and his lovely little boy.

Shelleylou, I do feel for you. What a terrible time for you and your family.

Seenyertoes 'welcome'. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Another wonderful person lost to that dreadful illness. March is very recent - it must be very hard for you at the moment.

Winetime and shelley, tough times for you too. I've been thinking about my brother so much recently, reliving in my head the days before he died. It's so strange - comes in waves somehow. At times he's so alive in my head it's as if I'm going through it all again.

Quite upset this week as a work colleague's dad died. Awful for her poor thing and I emailed people we work with to let them know. One sent her a lovely email about how sorry she was, which is a really nice thing to do, but the same person was absolutely silent when my brother died - didn't say a word - and this is someone I've worked with for over 7 years. I've tried not to be upset about it as my poor colleague needs all the support she can get, but I'm so peed off that the other person couldn't have shown me the same kindness.