For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Thats alright then. If i have the images of matt in the mortuary or in his coffin i dont see why he shouldn't seen matt just after he killed him. The killer asked to go to the funeral but we refused so he asked to see matt at the funeral directors. Again he was told no. He offered no apology to us or remorse so only wanted to clear his conscience.

I can understand that brings round a whole new series of what ifs. I'm sure if the split was amicable then Jonny would be happy for her

Hey everyone. EM I didn't see your message until today so I'm sorry for not responding sooner. I had tears in my eyes reading your son's words but it sounds like it was cathartic that you had a cry together, and very healthy for him too. How did the letter go?

Know what you're saying about Jonny's ex, although I'm sure SL is right, that Jonny would be happy for her. My brother's wife had a short relationship with someone about 6 months after my brother died - didn't last, but my other brother and I found it very hard to stomach emotionally. It's over now and was completely on the rebound, but hard to deal with all the same. Are you able to talk to her at all? xx

The letter went ok. I got a lot of stuff out of my head that was really helpful and spent almost two hours crying. Felt 'good' to be able to do that without having to stop to see to a broken lego castle or a cup of tea or whatever.

I'm sure Jonny would be happy for her too, but I always secretly hoped they'd get back together as I loved her! It wasn't an amicable split, and they were only just on speaking terms when he died. I think she felt very bad about that at the time. We used to talk a lot, but she hasn't even told me about her engagement, I saw it on fb, so I don't feel I can say anything about it until she tells me herself, iyswim. It's a shame she hasn't, but 'life goes on' for the others, I guess.

I'm really glad it helped. Perhaps I should do the same, but finding a space alone is almost impossible! Am almost scared of what it might do to me too.

Really sad about Jonny's ex. She's probably really worried about telling you and feels guilty and just doesn't know how to tell you. Perhaps you should send her an email and mention you'd seen it, or hint at it and give her the chance to come clean? It might be what you both need but then again these things are never as easy and simple as in books and films eh. xx

MissM, really you should try it. I mean, it was awful in that the pain was just non-stop for the whole time I wrote. But I felt a little bit less weight on my shoulders afterwards. And those thoughts that swirl constantly around my head were alleviated (sp?) for a time.

I'm drinking vodka tonight, and scrapbooking. Always a dangerous combination, alcohol and family photos, but I can't help it. It's a bit like self-flagelation (again sp? what's wrong with me??)

When Jonny died, my dh bought me my first my mp3 player and the first album that went on it was The Cinematic Orchestra, Ma Fleur. I remember waking at 4am ish every day for weeks before i got the sleeping tablets, and chain smoking on my balcony listening to this song:

I'm listening to it again tonight. (sorry can't be arsed to do a fancy link)

xx

Like, I look at his photo and I still can't believe he's dead

OH EM, glad the letter helped a bit afterwards. I did the same withchain smoking and listening to a song mine was Eminem When im gone, the majority of the song was irreleavnt to Matt but the chorus was so right just like him. My other brother and i were singing it outside ihs best mates house whem my parents went to tell them what had happened. I changed my ringtone to it and a few days later i found out that it was matts ringtone aswell. I still listen to it loasds and aerosmith which was playeed at his funeral always reminds me of him. Its strange dp and i were going to have it for our first dance now it doesnt seam right to lol.

Hey EM, sorry you were up so late and no-one was around. What was up with your spelling? You were drinking vodka, that's what was up!!! Good that you feel lighter and I hope the lightness will stay with you for a bit. It's my brother's birthday in March and I've taken a day off work so perhaps I'll write him a letter then.

I've had two dreams about him in the past two nights - more than I've had since he died. In both he was alive, although in the first it was me now looking at him in the past, even though we were both there iyswim. I knew he was really dead, and he knew that he was going to die and he mouthed to me 'I love you'. Then last night I had a dream and he was there with his wife, healthy and laughing and happy. Funnily enough I always remember these dreams a while after I've woken up - I'm never aware of them as soon as I wake up. Like I've just remembered that last one just now. My mum told me to write them all down so I can keep a memory of them, even if they're just memories of something that isn't real any more.

Music is so hard. I've not listened to any of his since the album I wrote about a while back. Cyteen - Corinne Bailey Rae is playing locally in March. I though of going to see her with you guys in spirit!

My brother's birthday in March too. On Saturday in fact. Have put aside the day for being depressed.

I dreamed of Jonny too last night. At least I think I did, all i can remember is telling someone he'd died.

I feel so down today.

MissM, you should go! Tell me all about it if you do

Having a dreadful time at the moment, but not about my brother (or not directly) - this time it's the other bereavement in my life, my mum. Found out some quite shocking stuff about the circumstances of her suicide which have radically altered what I thought I knew/felt/understood about it all. I'm so sick of my family history being one long clusterfuck.

My aim in this life is to make as uneventful and calm a loving family life with DP and DS as possible.

Very, very, very tired of grieving.

Hey guys. Not much to say that will help you both feel less ground down by grief, just that I'm thinking of you. EM my brother's birthday would have been a week today - he would have been 36. No age. How about Johnny? Am planning a long long looooonnnnggg walk on Tuesday.

Cyteen it must be such a struggle. From your posts here and elsewhere it sounds as though you do create a loving family life for your DP and DS for which I have huge admiration. Are you able to share anything about your mum with us, or do you need to deal with it by yourself?

Am going to book tickets for Corinne! Will keep you posted.

cyteen, there's a band called clusterfuck. Good word . I guess your being aware of disfunction is gonna make you all the more sensitive to it not being a part of your own family. That's a good thing. I am with MissM, I am sure you do your best to attain that calm family life, and hope that you're ok.

I'm sorry you're so tired of grieving. I guess we all are. it comes back to that thing of being a part of something that we never chose, and not being able to do anything to get out of it. How long is it again since Si died?

MissM, Jonny would be 26 on Saturday. No age either. Poor lad, so much left to live, and violently taken from him. I'm having one of my worst weeks in ages thinking about his birthday. I also feel super guilty cos yesterday my new colleague asked about my brothers (i'd mentioned in passing that I had two, but said nothing else) and whether they were in teaching too (my mum was, dh is, now I am too, so she just wondered about the rest of the family, I guess), and I totally skirted the question, just saying 'no, something completely different'. I just felt I couldn't go into the details but after I felt so guilty, like I was denying Jonny and what happened to him, and wished I'd said it. I don't get many opportunities to tell people cos I don't meet that many new people (sad life!), and the one time I do, I bottle it! Sucks.

So your Jonny was ten years younger than my Jim. Do you all ever find that the enormity of it is so overwhelming sometimes that although you desperately feel the need to put it into words you just can't?

Don't worry about not telling your colleague about Jonny. Perhaps as you get to know her better you'll feel able to tell her - it's very hard. I was talking about my brother with someone I'd recently met and she asked about his band, and I said 'Actually he died last year', and then felt terrible on so many levels - for embarrassing her, for having to say it, for saying it so calmly, for not explaining... She was very sweet but I felt like I needed to talk about it more but of course it killed the conversation!

Clusterfuck is indeed a great word!

MissM, I frequently feel like that, which is why I guess I can't 'talk' to Jonny like my mum can.

I know what you mean about killing a conversation. I also don't want pity, though I kind of do at the same time. I know that most people can't talk about this sort of thing, so I don't want to put them on the spot either. It's a minefield!

I haven't got much to say at the moment as I'm being overwhelmed by sadness. I want my brother back. EM I probably won't have time tomorrow, but I'll be thinking of you on Jonny's birthday xx

The conversation killing thing...totally get that. When I was a teenager and the subject of my mum's suicide came up, I would automatically respond to people's shocked 'sorry's with 'that's alright, you didn't kill her' Now it's even more weirdly embarrassing all round: having to say about my brother dying, people asking how my parents are, and then having to say 'well, actually...'

What's the point in people writing 'Happy Birthday' on his fb wall? It's not a happy birthday. It's a non-existent one because he's bloody dead. My favourite message so far from his best uni mate is quite simply

.

I want to write 'shit' but I think people might be offended.

Crap day

I am still lurking around this group. I am married now but I still miss my twin everyday. Caroline was going to be the bridesmaid but instead I had to mention her with the absent friends.

With Mum dead and Dad still in the secure unit it was a strange sort of wedding but it was the correct decision to go ahead as planned.

Hi one of a pair was wondering how you were. Im glad you feel like you made the right descion going ahead with the wedding. My own is in May and Matt was going to be an usher. We have him mentioned in the OOS as being my brother and our usher along with the verse on the candle for him. My dad is going to mention him in his speach too.
We finally have a date for the trial its at the end of the month, although the charges are crap dont think he will get a custodial sentance and if he does will only b 6 months to a year. Feels like a kick in the teeth. The inquest will be done before his birthday in june either just after my wedding or in the 3 weeks after im back from my honeymoon. Original date was for while i was away but mum said no to it as i wont be here and she will have my ds and its not a place for him to go.

MissM, thinking of you today xx Hope that walk does you some good.

MissM, so so sorry, it was yesterday, wasn't it... I'm working a day behind this week.

I hope it wasn't too awful, though I know it probably was. Ours was worse than last year's. It's all too real. Anyway, I'm thinking of you, a day late, but even so...

Hi EM, that's ok, it was lovely of you to send your thoughts. Haven't felt much like saying anything to anyone the last few days. Day wasn't too bad really. I bawled of course, and listened to his last album (as much as I could bear) and sang some songs and longed for him to be alive. But at least I had the space and time to be able to do those things, which I don't normally.

Why was this birthday worse than last year's?

I read through these messages and can't stop crying. I miss my sister so much. But the memories of her are getting fainter. i'm trying to hang on to them but worried they'll fade and I'll have absolutely nothing. Love to you all

caffeineaddict, that's my fear too. Even after such a relatively short time (almost 2 years), my brother is becoming like this mythical figure. Does that make sense? Do you have a box of things? I started one soon after Jonny died, you know with fave music, photos, stuff from his room... Also make a scrapbook, with people's memories and photos etc.

MissM, i can't really explain why it was worse, only that with time, reality sets in, and with it more and more acceptance. I guess. I'm fed up with it all.

Evansmummy. Its just too grim isn't it. I do have a box of things, but find it too painful to look at. I agree about the mythical figure. Sometimes I'm not even sure my sister ever lived.