For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

I'd come in to Paddington or Marylebone, depending on how posh I want my starting place to be . Let's do this thing!

I'm glad you like the song. I don't really know them that much, my brothers went to see them together about a million times.

When did cyteen put two and two together?? I am so slow. I didn't even realise you would be someone recognisable. In my own little world, me! Sorry!!!

I'm not at all recognisable! It was on another thread - I had written something about my brother which was published and she realised it was me.

It really sounds as though you're on the same train line as me which would be very spooky. We really could meet up! Anyone else lurking around the north-west of London?

great song em. my brother would have loved it.

Thanks, cyteen. I love it a lot. Still makes me cry to hear it tough.

MissM, I meant to say before, that's really something (painful and awesome at once), to have the last album your brother played on. What a special thing to have for the future, and how amazing that he was able to do what he loves right up to the end. You must be very proud of him. Yet I can totally understand the pain it causes. I'm like that with any of the plays Jonny was in. I've watched them all once on DVD but not sure I could do it again.

Very spooky that we're close (I'm in South Bucks). What do you reckon to a meet?

From what you said I was thinking somewhere around there. I'm in the west Midlands.

Ooo, I don't know, part of why I come on to this thread is because I can say these things to all of you that I can't say to people in real life, even my closest friends. So if I met any of you in real life, would I be able to talk properly to you?

Although perhaps if I couldn't it wouldn't matter anyway, as a hug would pretty much say everything!

Yeah, I like to keep this thread as my safe space really. Not very good at being vulnerable in real life...

I think that's probably wise. Wouldn't want to spoil what we have going here...

I've had a dreadful couple of weeks. To the point where I'm actually considering seeing my GP to talk about anti-dpressants. I've been so adamantly against since the beginning, but I'm fed up of being fed up. Weepy, feeling lonely, hopeless, tired, unsociable... You're probably glad, reading this, that we've decided against a night out. I sound a right old barrel of laughs don't I?!

evansmummy, do what you feel is best for you. Ican't tell you how things could be in time. I'm struggling majorly myself.
I keep watching youtube videos of my brother. I watch them just so i can see his smile but it hurts so much, i'd give anything to have my lil bro back. Unfortunately no matter how much i wish and this all seams a nightmare i wont get that instead i still have his killer on bail and the waiting for his tox report. Sorry it's all got to me tonight

thanks to you all for welcoming me on here, i've not checked back since i last posted...'m not sure why...maybe i was worried no one would respond... anyway. I live in another timezone from all of you so if any of you are sad at night and feel alone, post because i am 8 hours behind you and definitely awake. I identify with so much of what you all feel. It is so hard sometimes. I lost my sister to an accident when she had been drinking at Uni. she fell down the stairs and died from a brain hemorrhage. i was only 17 at the time and now i am 34 but i feel the same way and can't believe the time has passed. I am not so sure about the "time heals" stuff.

Mitty that's so sad. What a terrible way to lose your sister. Do you have other siblings? Have you been able to talk about it with anyone?

I wonder about the 'time heals' thing too. It's true about a relationship that breaks up - you do get over it, even if it still hurts, but in my experience time actually makes things worse as it means the reality is more real, iyswim.

EM I'm sorry you're finding things so tough. Don't rule out ADs. I know it's not the best way, but in my experience they do give you at least the ability to cope day to day. I saw someone describe it as 'getting my head above the parapet' and that summed it up for me. I'm on them, have been since DS was 6 months old which was when my brother was still alive but had just had his bone marrow transplant. Ironically things seemed hopeful then. I'm actualyl wanting to come off them now - spoke to my GP about it today - but there's no doubt they were a huge help. I've given up being ashamed or embarrassed about being on them long ago.

Big cava-tasting kisses to you all (it was DH's birthday!)

MissEm
yes, i have a brother but he isn't that easy to talk to about it, luckilly my DH is amazing and has helped me more than anyone in my life. I think was depressed for about 9 years before i met him! I think you are right about the AD. I have never had them but then again...i was depressed for 9 years so maybe i should have.

Have any of you tried counseling, i never did and now i wish i had tried it.

Sometimes i think i don't want Time to heal me as then 'll be "over it" and i never want to be over her.

Mitty, I know what you mean about it not being easy to talk to your brother about your sister. I find it hard to speak to mine about what happened to our other brother but i never know if he's going to get furious or upset. He tries keep that emotion from me but has cried on my shoulder several times. It's horrible as i cant do anything for him, I at least still have a brother he doesn't know. At one point i told him i'd get a sex change so he had one, told me then he would have a sister so i told him id only change half. Just to get a smile on his face and to make sure he knew he wasn't on his own.

I can't comment on the time heals stuff really but in the 3 and a half months since my brother was killed i feel it as much now as i did then. Still feels like a nightmare

mitty, I had some counselling from our local branch of Cruse but they were pretty useless - didn't keep me informed, told me I'd be contacted by a counsellor at x time and then failed to tell me it had been put back a few months, then the counsellor I was allocated I just didn't click with at all. I asked to be put back on their waiting list for someone else and haven't heard a thing since (that was many months ago). So not necessarily an experience to put you off, but I didn't find it helpful at all.

Then again, a lot of that is to do with me. I'm so used to dealing with things alone since losing my mum (20 years ago this year!), opening up to people other than a select few is not in my nature anymore.

I've finally got in touch with Cruse... and they are yet to return my call. Told the GP yesterday and he told me to keep trying, that there wasn't a hope in hell of getting any counselling on the NHS. So I guess I need to call again, which is actually a big deal for me!
I think it's worked well for some people though, so don't take our experiences as a reason not to consider counselling.

Hi mitty, 'welcome' back. I'm so sad reading your post, and very sorry that you lost your sister in such a tragic way. And I'm sure at some point I'll take you up on the night-time ramblings. I often pop in of a weekend night, after too much wine and a few tears!

Counseliing worked brilliantly for me for about a year. We then decided to stop, as i think we were covering old ground. I've thought about starting up again but i don't really know what to say to them. I was also with Cruse, so it seems to be pot luck a bit with them. Shame really. My brother's best friend also had counselling from Cruse, in the same area, and hers was rubbish too. Maybe I just got lucky! I don't think you should rule it out, even nine years later.

MissM, sorry Cruse have let you down too. It's not easy carrying on calling at the least of times, nevermind for something like this. You shouldn't have to! I guess I really did get lucky. Have you looked into the compassionate friends sibling groups? There are a few dotted about and maybe one in your area?

cyteen, i feel myself going down your route - keeping things in, not talking about it anymore. It seems so hard to talk about now, and plus i don;t want people to get bored of me. And 20 years for your mum, thinking of you a lot xx

shelley, i don't think time heals either, it seems to get harder, but in the scheme of a 'normal' life, two years isn't that long. I think when people say 'time' they really mean a long time. I feel like mitty, though, in that i don;t want to 'get over it'. How can losing a sibling be anything other than horrible? And I would never want it to be.

I'm glad you're all here

It's weird though isn't it - my brother died one year and four months ago, yours almost two EM. In a normal life, those are longish times, but to me it seems like absolutely no time at all. In one way, how on earth can it already be that long? In another way, it feels so recent.

Have been in A&E till 9 this evening cos DS (aged 2) put a raisin up his nose. After the screaming and the drama died down I told the kids about the time my brother put a smartie up his nose. We all laughed, but I had tears in my eyes as well. How can a little boy who put a smartie up his nose not be here any more?

I think it must be a boy thing, my db put Christmas decoration wrappers up his nose once!!

Hi all, been around but have just gone back to work ft and trying to settle ds into nursery/grandma routine etc. He's also decided to scream before going to sleep and at night etc etc. So not been posting, but have been reading.
Sorry to hear that everyone is having a hard time of it of late, I'm afraid I also didn't have a great time with Cruse, but I think on reflection, I went and saw them cos I felt I should, rather than really knowing why I was going. However about 8 months after my db died, I did do a cbt course through my docs. It was done over the phone, but I found that really good. It focused on coping mechanisms, and how your thinking affects your thinking (iyswim) but I found it really helped me.

Thanks EM, i know im only steps down the road but i dont ever want to forget my darling brother or get over his eath. Then again i surpose i have to accept he is dead before i can do anything. It doesn't help that we are still waiting for his killers tox results to come back. My mum and I think the police are keeping something from us. It is truely horrible. Its not something i would wish on my worst enemy

I know how you feel SL but of course you won't ever forget your brother or 'get over' his death (how can anyone get over a death like they might get over splitting up with their boyfriend?) I guess you just get to a place where you can live with it more peacefully - I know others have said that who have more distance (in time) from their brothers' and sisters' deaths.

Mbear am scared now! Will keep anything smaller than a tennis ball away from DS from now on!

Hi everyone - sorry not to have posted for a while. I tend to lurk but often either not know what to say or not feel able to post as I know it would just reduce me to tears.

I also feel a bit awkward about posting sometimes { purely self induced as you have all been so very kind to me } after reading how much your siblings went through to stay alive and my db just threw his life away by committing suicide. It is a difficult thing to say but it sometimes makes me feel ashamed of him even though I love him dearly.I sometimes also feel very angry with him but then feel very guilty for having those thoughts. It is hard reconciling myself to the fact that there will never be any answers.

I am also going through a 'numb' phase, similarly to one or two others on here which is a welcome respite from the anguish of the last year but that also makes me feel guilty, because I am so shut off at the minute - like I ought to be feeling more.

I also don't really talk much about how I'm feeling in RL - I've never been good at sharing my feelings { probably because I had very unempathetic parents, which I think also contributed to my db's state of mind } and also that I fear boring people. So I generally now keep my feelings buttoned up tightly. I just have an overall flatness and am struggling to take any pleasure in the small things of life, like I used to.

It reassures me to read that I'm not alone in these feeling and that the numbness is all part of the journey.

If it was ever decided that a meet up would be a good idea, then count me in. I think it would be very cathartic - even if we just had a massive p*ss up !

winetime, hi! That struggling to take pleasure in the small things really strikes a chord with me. For a long time I was like that, and still often am. Even seeing the joy in my boy breaks my heart cos it always comes back to Jonny. EVERYTHING I do or think seems to come back to him atm. It's quite scary. He's constantly on my mind. The numbness too, comes and goes. And it does feel like a (guilty) break from the sadness. Also, not in exactly the same way as you of course but, I have been angry with Jonny for being drunk. I am in the process of convincing myself that the accident wasn't his fault (although noone really knows), but I can't help thinking, if he hadn't been drinking... Although he walked home often after being out drinking, he was capable of doing it sensibly. I'm just pouring my thoughts out, sorry. It's like you say, it's horrible not knowing and having to deal with forever not knowing.

I promised ds a few weeks ago that we'd get his uncles' box of old Lego down from the loft and sort through it. I've been putting it off and putting it off, and finally today I had to do it. There were loads of these little tiny home made books with Jonny's writing on them that I guess he'd made as a boy to go with his Lego games. Broke my heart.

Aww thats such a lovely thing that Johnny had did. It means your ds can make the same models. I love lego cant wait til ds is a bit bigger and we can play it.

It doesn't help matters that db is still legally alive IYKWIM. Cant register his death until after inquest etc. Its nearly four months now and that is no closing to happening. I want him back so much. I hate the images i have stuck in my head and i know i will never forgive his killer for putting them there. I hope he sees my db lying in the road and the paramedics failing to resussitate him constantly

Found ds sitting on the stairs this afternoon crying. When I asked him why, he said "Cos Uncle Jonny isn't here anymore, and I don't remember him." No idea what sparked it, other than dh had some beautiful but rather melancholy music on in the kitchen. I sat with him and asked him if he wanted me to tell him some of my memories to help him remember. So I reminded him of the biggest memories I have that involved the both of them, and cried a lot. I was very moved by the whole experience.

Also, tomorrow I am off to spend the morning in a quiet part of a friends house to write a letter to Jonny. My counsellor advised me to do it all that time ago, and a friend asked me last week if I had. It's just been one of those things I've never got around to doing. I think it's gonna be painful but hopefully cathartic?

Wish me luck.

shelley, you should have been issued interim death certificates. If not, you can demand them, which is what my dad had to do.

I can't forgive either, even though my mum has. I want that man to feel bad about this forever, just as I will. I also know that that will probably eat me up over time.

ye we have the interim death certificate but hes not registered dead until we get the proper one after the inquest. We got ours quite quickly after the coroner released my db's body. I dont think my mum will forgive him either and at the moment she agrees with my thoughts on his seeing matt being resusitated etc. I want him to suffer, i know it will never be in the same way i do and maybe it makes me a horrible person but im not bothered.

I hope your letter goes well it sounds like a good idea. Bless your ds. Thats really sweet but i cant imagine how hard it would be

It doesn't make you horrible. It's normal anger. I can totally understand it. The driver who knocked Jonny down was desperate for peace when we saw him at the inquest. I don't see why he should be allowed it. If that's horrible too, then we can be horrible togther .

Also, forgot to say, found out earlier today that Jonny's only serious girlfriend (they broke up about a year before he died) is engaged. Is making me feel terribly sad.