For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

I understand what you're saying. I wonder sometimes who and what I was when my brother was alive - sometimes I feel such pain for the loss of him, but also for the loss of the lives we all had before he died. The time he was really ill feels so unreal now as well.

I found an old picture of him on my phone today and got it printed. DD looked at it and said 'Uncle J looks different'. I worry that my memories will fade too.

EM, do you sometimes feel so tired of having to carry this? Sometimes I am so exhausted with it that I just long to curl up and sleep and sleep.

I too grieve for my sister, for the loss of the lives we all had before she died, But these times seem so distant, and it is only the memories of her suffering a horrific illness that remain.

MissM, I frequently feel tired of it. I have bad and better periods, but often a weariness in almost everything I do. There's no escaping from it though, is there...

I know what you mean about the hospital bits fading. For such a long time they were so vivid and the horror of those days is fading, to be replaced by an inability to believe that was really my brother. And then when I think about it too hard, I remember, yes, it was him, strong but helpless, life cut too short.

caffeineaddict, it's nearly three years since my brother died and I still find the strongest memories are the ones when he was ill. It's almost as if he didn't exist before the cancer, and I hate that - just one more thing to loathe about this awful disease. It did not define him, it was not who he was, and yet it still presents the most overriding imagery of him.

Just goes to show how utterly traumatic the whole process is/was. This is something that people around me don't understand, not even DP; but then I can't blame them because I don't really bear it in mind much myself.

I've got a couple of weeks off work and yesterday I was sitting at home on my own, having a nice time, listening to James Blackshaw, and tears just started streaming down my face. I suddenly realised, again, that Simon was really here and now he's really gone and never coming back. So much of the time it is abstract...another thing I resent. But you can't live a life with kids to bring up and work to do and weddings to plan and relationships to maintain, and constantly also be aware of the crushing grimness of losing a sibling.

I sometimes resent having to constantly get on, pick up, move forward. Even though I love my son more than anything and wouldn't want him to grow up under the shadow of my grief. If that makes any sense?

March is when things started to get really bad and I knew he was going downhill, so it's always going to be an emotional time (plus am premenstrual, which doesn't help!)

Am rushing out, but couldn't not respond to you all. Cyteen am struggling not to cry reading your post (DS is pestering me) cos I can relate to it all. My strongest memories are of my brother with cancer, and that is so wrong, cos that was only four years of his entire life (and only one year when it was actually a reality).

Cyteen (and everyone else here) in tears reading your post. You say, 'but you can't live a life with kids to bring up....and constrantly also be aware of the crushing grimness of losing a sibling' But this is how it is. I fear the 'crushing grimness' will always be with me - I'm not being pessimistic or depressive. This is just how it is. Every joy is blunted. Though the kids have given me purpose, when they achieve something, or even do something appalling, it reminds me that I cannot tell my sister - their Godmother - and the one that loved them so much.

Oh no, believe me I understand that. Everything my son does is something amazing that I can't share with my brother, who never even knew we were trying for a baby. I meant that you can't mourn in the white-hot bonfire of pain all the time, when you have little growing people running around who can't help but accentuate the positive. I spend 99% of my time deliriously happy with my partner and son, and the other 1% horrified at how little room there seems to be for the hard work of grieving.

This is probably not coming across very well

I so empathise with 'every joy is blunted'. It is exactly how I feel since losing my db. Sadly, that's the reality that we somehow have to learn to live with.

I am also still very up and down but I saw a psychic/clairvoyant a couple of weeks ago, who had been recommended to me and despite my scepticism it has actually brought me some comfort. I took along some photos and possessions of my db but apart from that, gave him no information whatsoever, didn't even say the photos were of my db or that he had died { he didn't actually ask me anything, no questions at all } and was amazed at how many things he got right.

He said that my db apologised for his selfishness and took full responsibility for what he had done. Also that he had found what he had been looking for and was in a place of love.

There was lots of other stuff that was spot on and I came away feeling much more at peace. I felt that some of the questions about my db's suicide had been answered.

I am the biggest cynic in the world and have never had any kind of 'reading' before so had no idea what to expect but was surprised how comforting I found it, far better than the bereavement counselling session I had.

So I am trying to enjoy that feeling for a while and resist the temptation to try and pick holes in the few things he said that didn't seem to fit.

cyteen - of course you are coming across well.Just keep enjoying ds.
Wintimeisfine - glad you've had some comfort - hang on to that sense of being at peace.

"Though the kids have given me purpose, when they achieve something, or even do something appalling, it reminds me that I cannot tell my sister - their Godmother - and the one that loved them so much."

Thats just had me in tears.. Exactly how i feel with my db he never saw ds's first day of preschool and he would have loved ds telling him what he'd done. Ds has changed so much in the 5 months (tomorrow) since db was killed upsets me so much knowing that he may not remember db himself only what i tell him. ATM he does he'll see pictures and say its db or of his bike and know it was db's. I'll make sure he knows his uncle and godfather but its not the same he should still be able to tell him he loves him to his face not have to look up to the sky.... I dont think i will ever forgive the person who killed db and caused my family to go through this

These posts are making me cry. I feel so sad for us all.

cyteen, you have such a clever way with words. You so often seem to articulate what I feel. I do resent havgin to carry on, brave face, remember the joys etc. Like MissM said, I frequently just want to curl up and sleep, or cry or mope. And then I feel guilty for not counting my blessings.

And again, caffeineaddict, the crushing grimness definitely blunts everything else. Every funny thing ds does is an opportunity for me to feel awful as it's another thing that can't be shared with Jonny.

winetime, grab hold of that peace and let it be with you for a while. We deserve any bit of respite we can get. Don't let yourself ruin it just yet xx

shelley, I don't think I'll ever forgive either. But who knows what time will do? At the moment, I certainly can't see myself ever forgiving him, but I do know that carrying around the burden of anger and resentment is not gonna do us any good either.

I'm feeling your pain today, ladies.

I cant forgive him for not only causing matts death but maintaining he was his best friend (he wasn't bm but was a friend) and leaving him. To add insult to injury.. the charge's hes facing are crap being dealt wityh at magistrates so unlikey he's going to get a custodial sentance and if so not for long

I know, it's shocking. Road traffic offenses are rarely dealt with properly in the UK. They're just not strict enough, and absolutely no deterrent.

I think though, and this only concerns me, I'm no way suggesting you should feel the same, that even a custodial sentence wouldn't have made anything any better. Nothing will change how I feel, sentence or not, and frankly, fucking up another family's life in the process would not have been the answer for us (excuse my swearing, it's one of those days). What's more important to me is that he accepts responsability, he has never admitted it was his fault. Nor has he apologised for leaving my brother lying in the road. And those things are just as unforgivable.

They aren't at all.

I know him being sent down wont make my pain any less or bring my brother back.. if only hey? But i've got to feel like justice has been done a slap on the wrist is not going to cover the lies, deciet and the unforgiveable actions you have mentioned. He has never passed on his condolences or anything like dispite being dbs "best friend"

I know, that's crazy. I have always said that there can never be enough justice for taking a life. What justice could there be? I know you will be, but someone said to me be prepared that the court case doesn't bring the closure so many people say it will. I loathed that phrase. There is no 'closure' to this. It is forever. And neither community service not a custodial sentence would change that. I was certainly incredibly disappointed with the whole court system. Thet weren't there to bring justice to Jonny's name, only to carry out the letter of the law. They're not there to represent our brothers, only the law. I found that hard to come to terms with.

I hope I don't sound preachy. I'm nowhere near as good as explaining myself as cyteen

IKWYM. I know that i may got get the outcome that i would like i'm as prepared as i can be for him to get a slap on the wrist but obviously i'd rather it was a bit of a more serious sentance. He hasn't been charged with Matts death or causing it which hurts. But i cant see how he can get of some of the charges. He has 5 in total that we currently know of which has increased from 3 when we were told he had been charged. The FLO isn't the best though. I want justice for matt but i know that they wont think of him as an idividual and do it for him just to uphold this so called justice system

i absolutely agree with the last couple of pages. i too struggle to get past those last nine days when my sister was in icu to remember the happier times. they seem like such distant memories whereas the last frantic nine days are forever etched in my brain and replay like a broken record...

some days on low volume, a constant little murmur at the back of my mind which i try to turn down even further in order to carry on...

and some days i wake up with them on full blast volume and cry and cry as i get the children ready for the school run; ironing the uniforms in the spare bedroom and mopping my tears before they see me.

my youngest is two now and it fair broke my heart last week when we were looking through some photographs and she excitedly pointed at my friend and said her name....and she didn't even know who my sister was next to her in the photograph.

and a little piece of my heart breaks every time i see my new nephew who she never even met because she took her own life five months before he was born.

and again, little bits of my heart chip away when her daughter gets a fantastic report at school, when one of my children achieve something great, when a fabulous song comes out that she will never hear, when i have some really juicy gossip...every joy is indeed blunted.

i don't think people understand the pain which we feel at the loss of a sibling. i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I agree Rosehill. We've often said on this thread in the past that we'd not wish it on our worst enemy. The pain is beyond expression.

I realised this morning that I only ever dream about my brother when he is already ill, or as a small child who I am somehow trying to protect (either as a sister or a mother figure). Sometimes he merges into my own son in these dreams. Why is only sick or a little boy to me? What about all the years in between? It's really painful that my mind seems to be saying that it can only remember him at those times.

I've always wanted to learn to sing properly (and to sing more than just nursery rhymes) so have started to have lessons. Every time I sing I think of him, want to make him proud of me - look little brother, I can sing too!

Fuck. It's too fucking fucked. For all of us.

Hello MissM and others

It is indeed too fucked.

My sister had the most appalling singing voice. She was to singing what Les Dawson is to the piano - just effortlessly dire. It was a running joke between us.

She is dead and she doesn't know that her niece, my daughter, now age 9, has the most spectacular singing voice and is hugely talented. (I'm not boasting, it is just how it is)

How my sister would have delighted in her gift, and tried to take the credit for it. But the cancer got her.

CA that's such a wonderful gift and I'm sure your sister is spurring her on.

Thank you MissM
I suppose we must all somehow learn not let grief overwhelm the good experiences in life.

I am so drunk.

I am debating whether to go to bed or to watch videos whci will make me sad but which sometimes just need to be watched...

Watch the videos, remember the good bits and then sleep tight xxx

It's my brother and SIL's wedding anniversary today. I forgot

Hugs to you Cyteen