For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Hi everyone. I've not been around much, not felt I had anything much to contribute except tears. But at this horrible time of the year for us who have lost darling brothers and sisters I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you all and hoping you are all able to have as good a time as you can without the person who should be there. Much love xx

Yes, I'm here too, lurking.

Simon is in my thoughts every day and I'm sure it is much the same for all of you with your beloved siblings. Here's hoping we all find our right way to remember them, whatever that is.

Hi,

I'm so sorry for everyone's loss. It is the crappiest thing and this is a crappy time of year.

I haven't posted before, but been reading this thread and I've wanted to share for ages but never quite do it.. But generally feeling crap this evening so can't feel worse (feeling sorry for myself as go back to work at start of feb leaving my lovely new ds1 and don't want to go back). It is weird as I find writing about what happened much harder than telling people for some reason.

My db died 5 years ago in feb. He was diagnosed with cancer in august and died feb, so it was a short but nevertherless completely shocking illness and death. His wife, our parents and I were with him when he died, and that was just the worst thing, although I couldn't have not been there iyswim.

I have found my grief to sort of ebb and flow, do ok then something happens and I am right back there, my only comfort is that I don't focus on his actual death so much these days (v traumatic) but it is a sadder remeberence of his loss of life (never met my dh, will obviously never meet my 14 wk ds etc).

We scattered his ashes 3 hrs after he died and that was way better than I had anticipated, but this feb will be when I am his age when he died and my bday will mean I am older than him (but he is my older bro!!) and this is turning out to feel way worse than I expected, iyswim.

I cannot possibly begin to know how you are all feeling, especially at this time of year, but I understand a little and am thinking of you all.

Oh goodness Mbear, that all sounds so familiar I am so sorry.

I'm the same age my brother was when he died; next year I'll be older too. I feel just the same about it.

Thank you Cyteen, it is incredibly comforting to know that, however much it is just plain wrong, you are not alone.

I never want to say it gets easier, as I think that is just plain wrong, but after doing ok for a while, this 'anniversary' is knocking the wind right out of my sails.

'Scattered his ashes 3 years after he died'..... just to clarify....

Still here, still battling on, still missing my twin Caroline everyday.

Mbear, what a sad story. I have tears in my eyes, as I often do for each of us on here.

oneofapair, nice to hear from you again, and to hear you're battling on. It's hard every day for one reason or another.

I've been lurking too the last week or so.

What a horrible time of year this is. I hope you all manage to celebrate Christmas in some small way, and I know that your brothers and sisters, like mine, will be very much in your thoughts. I hate the term 'family Vhristmas', it just doesn't ring true anymore.

I wish you all peace for tomorrow, and will be thinking of you all

xx

Mbear, 'welcome', and so sorry and sad to hear your story. Like you and Cyteen I lost my brother from cancer and it's bloody awful. I can relate to what you say about the ebb and flow. Today I feel absolute excitement and happiness on behalf of my lovely children, and desperate, deep and empty sadness over my brother. I am the oldest and my brother was the youngest, so I will always be older than him, but I can't get my head round growing older while he will forever remain 33.

We battle on all of us. xx

third christmas without my sister who died of cancer. It doesn't get any easier.

iheart and MissM, thank you for your kind words.

MissM I agree about the battling on, do you find that some days you really don't want to fight anymore? It feels like that after five years, I've done my bit, I'm tired, can't someone else take over for a while....?? But I guess not. And now I am the age he died, and about to be 'older' than him, it feels so young. I don't think I ever really realised or felt that before, 31 isn't anything at all. It is this totally weird fixed point.

Christmas was good though, my ma went mad with the presents for ds' first one, opening them all took ages!

But then my dad gets upset, because we've had a nice Christmas, and db isn't there.

So no, it doesn't get any easier, just when you think you have a grip on it, you find that you don't at all.

I really hope everyone had a peaceful Christmas x x

Thinking of all x x

Just a small thread hijack!

On December 28th my twin sons will be 28 years old. My smallest twin, Gareth, died when he was 7 months due to congenital heart problems. It is a bittersweet day and my son and I are very close. I cannot imagine loosing my DB and I hope we both have many years left on this mortal coil.

May I wish you all peace at this difficult time of year? You will all get 'there' wherever the hell there is xxxxx

happy birthday to both your boys shabba xxx

Thank you....after all these years it is a day of happiness - well at least when we are all together I am so grateful for all of my four sons - even though two of them are not physically around me. If ever any of you need to come and rant, scream, laugh or cry you would be made more than welcome on the bereaved mums thread - you may be able to help some of the mums who are struggling to know what to say and do with the siblings of their precious 'lost' children.

Take care - all of you - I have had candles lit all over the Christmas season in honour and respect for all lost loved ones. xxx

Welcome to the new year everyone. I went out for a run today in the beautiful frosty sunshine and was listening to the new Dinosaur Jr album on my headphones. Got quite choked up thinking how much Si would like it. There have been so many great albums by his favourite bands since he died, so much good music we didn't get to share. Anyway, I had a little moment under the sky with him, iyswim. It's good to know that he's starting the year with me, even if it is only in my memory.

Yesterday I went up to the cemetery where Caroline's and my Mothers ashes have been buried. There is no stone yet but of course I know exactly where they are. There is a bench quite close and its nice to sit there and have a think.

It was so strange. I could sense Caroline was sitting beside me. It was such a strong feeling quite unlike anything I have ever felt before. I know that now is the time to stop looking backwards with such sadness and to think about the future and my upcoming marriage.

I know Caroline will wait for me - just like she promised.

cyteen and oneofapair, i'm so pleased you've had a positive experience. Remember it if things go dark again.

I start a new job on Tuesday. Still not entirely sure it's the best decision I've made, but it's a fixed term contract until August, so if it's awful, at least I've a way out. My last OU course for my degree starts in October, and we've decided that 2010 is the year for trying for another child. Lots to look forward to, so why do I feel so flat?

Hey there everyone. My brother has also 'been with' me this entire holiday. I've tried talking to him a few times and can do it for longer before I start crying now. My children mention him more now as well which I really love - they are too young to remember him as he was.

EM you are right - so much to look forward to and so much that is positive and good. Making the decision to try for a baby is wonderful! But of course you feel flat - why wouldn't you? I sometimes wonder if I'll ever really feel properly, the way I 'should' about things, again, iyswim.

Many thoughts to all of you xx

Have felt comforted and upset by this thread. My brother died nearly seven years ago after being mentally ill for about 10 years so in a way he 'left' quite a long time before he died and the memories are confusing. But I often have the older brother feeling that cuts through it all and kind of call on him for help sometimes. I find it hard to talk about it all though x

Hi Corriefan and 'welcome'. I'm glad you found us and this has been a comfort. None of us want to be here but we've often said we're 'glad' we've met. If it's easier can you talk about your brother here? I've said things to people here that I wouldn't even say to my husband (see much earlier posts about me wanting to die so I could be with my brother, for example). we can all relate in some way or another. Would you mind talking about how he died?

Thanks. I can describe his death it's a bit strange really. He was ill with a bug and kept being sick. He seemed to get worse so the staff on the psychiatric ward called an ambulance. They left him sitting on his bed and when they went back to him he had gone. The post-mortem showed he had a ruptured aesophagus and this had led to mediastinitis which basically shuts down all your internal organs. He'd been on various medicines for years and mentally battered by schizophrenia too so I think he was physically quite low immunity-wise. My step-father had visited him a bit before that day but he was on his own when he died. I was doing my PGCE and had been back from France where I was doing a placement for a week and hadn't been to see him. He was 28 and I was 27.
I'm realising I put on a brave front all the years he was ill though. It's like the memories are haunting me a bit now, the fear and helplessness. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing to unearth it. I try to be forward looking and I truly believe he's free now.

I also think being full of grief is not really appropriate for me because in a way it was the best thing for him and would be selfish for me. It wasn't like losing a normal brother who I could talk to, although he would give me a hug sometimes and complimented me in his own way by saying things like I was second psychic to him.

Corrie that's terribly sad, the circumstances and the background. A few people on here have said that they have felt grief a long long time after the event, or thought their mourning was over and then found it overwhelming them. Of course it's not selfish of you to grieve - he was your brother, you loved him. Sending you lots of hugs.

Thank you. Lots of love to you and everyone on here. I'm so sorry for what you've all been through.

hello again. Been absent a bit due to christmas and new year both were incredibly hard. We let a balloon go for db on christmas night with loads of mesages wrote on it, it wouldnt go up with the cards on. Things are manic here atm my other db is in hospital with a collapsed lung has been since new year, he has the possibility of being transferred for an op on friday if he hasnt inproved. Late last night his lung has inflated still waiting for todays xray to tell us if its still inflated if not ifs changing hospitals still i think.