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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

998 replies

evansmummy · 05/11/2008 16:44

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

OP posts:
PrincessFiorimonde · 11/12/2009 13:07

Shelleylou, can I just add it's ok and in fact good to feel angry? I felt angry as hell when my brother died in an aeroplane accident in 1980. And I think that anger carried me through his death, his funeral and the following years.

I still feel angry. The only difference today is that the feeling is muted because so many years have passed.

I think it was absolutely wonderful that you spoke at your brother's funeral; your brother would have been so proud of you.

Am thinking of you all.

shelleylou · 11/12/2009 20:18

Hi princess, you poseted on my original thread when my db was killed. My necklace means everything to me only comes off when i get a shower as i dont want to risk water going in it lol. He had enough of my tears on him he doesnt need that too lol. I dont feel angry still havent accepted that he's dead. It will be 2 months next saturday. Doctor gave me sleeping tablets as im still not sleeping properly. Im having a beer atm lol dont want to drink tooo much all the time

evansmummy · 11/12/2009 23:05

Princess, thanks for posting, and I'm so sorry to hear about your brothers. Even though it's sad, it's also very helpful for us 'newbies' to know how people cope with life after death, as it were. So really, thank you for your words, it's, for me anyway, a 'comfort' to know that my very particular feelings for my brother will never go away but will be incorporated into my future. I NEVER want to forget how I feel now, I want this to be a part of me forever.

Shelley, can you tell me how you got your vials made? I really want to do something like that with the beard. It feels so weird saying that, I wouldn't be able to say it anywhere but here, which is why I'm so thankful for you lot being around. Noone understands unless they've been trhough it.

It's also so normal, shelley, that you haven't accepted it. It's so early for you. There's no time limit for things, though. Funnily enough, our FLO gave us a photo back today after the inquest that we had given them at the time of Jonny's death to help identify him on CCTV. I'd totally forgotten about it, and when I saw it today it was heartbreaking. But my point is, that my mum and I both said when looking at it, it's hard to believe that person is gone. He's so beautifully alive in it. I'm gonna put it on my profile, the one with him and a blonde, if you want to look. Also, drink and fags has been my coping mechanism from the start. Not the best way I know, but that's the way I've chosen. I had sleeping tablets too for about 5 months. I've said it before, and I'll say it every time I need to, you do whatever you have to to get through this.

Today was dreadful. The worst bits for me were hearing my other brother's character statement read out. The way he described his brother (Jonny) and best friend just broke my heart. Also seeing the photos of the scene, with the pool of blood, and his shoes on either side of the road, and the damage to the car. Tonight I feel like I did when he died. Lost, aching, drained, dazed and so so tired. I didn't expect anything really, but I am still dissatisfied with the outcome. 'Accidental death' = death by accident = accident is something which can't be avoided, this could have been..,

All it comes down to really is that nobody really knows how it happened. Jonny should have seen the car, the driver should've seen Jonny, and can't explain what happened. There were two people seen at the scene who have never come forward. We will never know if they were involved, saw what happened, or what. It's very frustrating.

Shelley, the inquest doesn't usually take place until after criminal proceedings (and even then, if there has been a court case, there is not always an inquest). The driver was sentenced in April. The inquest was set for July, but we were all due to be starting our holidays the date they had set so we asked it to be moved. This was the date they came up with. That's why it was so long after Jonny died.

I'm so so so sorry for going on and on. I needed to get this off my chest.

OP posts:
evansmummy · 11/12/2009 23:08

MissM, it's awful isn't it. Sometimes, there seems to be no let up. This time of year is dreadful too. How horrible to have dreams like that. Do you remember when we were desperate to have a dream baout our brothers?? Bet you wsh you could get rid of these ones...

I'm with you, as much as I can be. This sucks, I'm feeling it too xx

OP posts:
MissM · 12/12/2009 08:04

Hi EM. Thursday sounds dreadful - what agony for you. I've got tears in my eyes reading your post. I wish beyond anything that I could relieve the pain of everyone on here. I look at pictures of my brother and can't believe how alive he looks, even when he was in the advanced stages of cancer - in a weird sort of way me and my other brother wish we even had that terrible dreadful time back, as at least then he was still alive and we could still talk to him. It's crazy, cos it was agony watching him die.

Isn't it funny - we were desperate to dream about them weren't we! I still am - I want to be with him in my dreams, but somehow all I get are these dreadful burying ones. My other brother dreamt that he was carrying his body in a suitcase. Hardly any need for interpretation, but I'd rather we were dreaming of him alive and laughing and playing with his band and cycling around London in his long black coat that used to get stuck in the chain.

Thinking of you lots and lots xx

shelleylou · 12/12/2009 09:09

I got my vial from here, more like an urn really. this is the 1 i have but there are loads on there. The ashes were put in the inside vial by the funeral directors when they put Matt in his fincal casket.
I thought the inquest was after the criminal procedings. From what i've read accidental death is the usual outcome for road deaths. I feel the same. Im dreading my brothers death being put down as that. I want unlawful killing. His death was caused and could have been avoided if the person facing charges hadnt been an idiot. (trying to be polite as its early, so far from what i want tos ay lol)

iheartricky · 12/12/2009 22:56

Name change in support fo the one and only Whittle (die hard strictly fan here )

shelley, thanks for the link. I will def look into this after christmas.

Roadpeace are campaigning for the wording of accidental death at inquest to be changed. In their (and my) opinion it is unsuitable for road traffic collision deaths.

Last article about Jonny in the papers

Gives my name away, and properly embarrasses me, but hey ho, that's how i feel...

iheartricky · 12/12/2009 23:02

I still can't believe he's dead.

Winetimeisfinetime · 12/12/2009 23:25

em it doesn't embarrass you at all. You are saying how you feel and those feelings are totally valid. I couldn't have forgiven either and understand why you feel like that.

I also gave a statemant at my brother's inquest and ended up being quoted in the press too. Well they misquoted me actually. but just seeing stuff about my db in the paper was very emotive.

Jonny looks lovely - he looks like a very kind and gentle man. He actually bears more than a passing resemblance to my db, Steve. This is all so bloody hard.

shelleylou · 13/12/2009 01:05

iheart it works out at about £7.30 i bought mine and db's and cost £16.35 for both including postage on both. I can completely understand where your coming from re the paper. I dont think it embarresses you at all. I honestly cant say i would be different. At the end of the day he took your brother away from you. You will have those feelings toward him.
I'm quoted in my local paper but thats just about what my db was like and what he ment to us, I did it on behalf on my family and i know the reporter so we proofed it before it was sent to the editor.
I find it awful what the paper says about jonny having a drink.

I really hope roadpeace win their campaign to change the accidental death. As i said i want unlawful killing as db's verdict.

I agree Winetime it is very emotive seeing things in the newspaper. Even though its early days for me i reread whats in about my db and im garenteed to cry

PrincessFiorimonde · 14/12/2009 23:26

Iheartricky - an inquest is an awful thing to have to go through, and I do feel for you and for shelley too, and for all on this thread. I'm not denying it - it reduces you to pieces, it brings it all back (not that it is far from your mind anyway). But, as time moves on, you will know, and keep in your heart, that this is something you did for your brother. You were there for him, even though it was bloody hard.

Please believe me when I say I have been there. And I am thinking of you all - all of you on this thread, posters and readers alike.

I really do understand the feeling of 'I can't believe he's dead'. I felt that for a long time when my brother R died in the accident. Nothing prepares you for it, and I felt baffled and cheated and angry and just bemused.

I wish I could find the words to take the pain away from you all.

I'm not religious, but I hold you all in my thoughts.

iheartricky · 16/12/2009 10:45

Thanks Princess. I'm sorry I don't remember your story, but your words are comforting.

It was ds's birthday yesterday. We had a pizza party at home, and though it was stressful entertaining 8 kids for 2 1/2 hours, it was fun. I cried at the end of the evening, wishing my brother had been here.

Christmas is coming. Another occasion to feel the empty space he's left...

Jux · 16/12/2009 12:27

How do you cope with a 10yo dd who has experienced so many deaths of close friends and family that she wants to killherself? She's just been referred to CAMHS, and I've been told to hide all knives and pills.

I've also been told that it'll be a while before the CAMHS referral comes through. So what do I do in the meantime ffs?

iheartricky · 16/12/2009 14:31

Jux, I'm so sorry. I wish I had something useful to tell you. Did the GP not give you any advice? Is there any way she could be acting out her sadness at seeing people close to her die? Or do you actually think she means it? You poor thing...

I hope someone wiser than I will come and help you. Didn't want you to go unanswered.

Jux · 16/12/2009 19:16

I don't know.

I didn't know when I saw the GP yesterday and only saw a nurse today. The surgery was operating on a skeleton staff today, but I'll ring him tomorrow.

I have no idea how serious she is about this. I hope I am right in thinking that, should she try anything with a knife she would stop the moment she found how much it hurt, and that she wouldn't take pills at all.

I hope.

iheartricky · 16/12/2009 20:02

Have you talked much about your brother and mum? Does she see how upset it makes the 'ones left behind' to see someone die?

Def ring the GP tomorrow. Hopefully they can give you some advice. Can you contact anyone from CAMHS directly for interim advice?

Jux · 16/12/2009 20:54

Yes, we talk about my bro a lot, not so much about mum - her death was eclipsed a bit by my bro's.

I've got hte number for CAMHS, but they're closed on Wed afternoons so have to wait until tomorrow. I was also thinking about Samaritans, but I get no privacy with dd around. She was off school today, but will be going tomorrow morning and Friday morning. Am hoping she might manage a whole day tomorrow in fact, but doubt it.

iheartricky · 16/12/2009 22:35

Try and get in touch with someone, anyone, tomorrow. Hopefully having some sound advice or just someone a bit more experienced and wise than me, will help to put your mind at rest. I'll be thinking of you xx

shelleylou · 17/12/2009 10:28

how about Winstons Wish. They deal with child bereavement so might be able to give you some helpful info.

Jux · 17/12/2009 12:11

I've googled Winston's Wish - t;hanks for that, I'd not heard of htem. I am waiting for GP to phone, but after that I will call them. I will also remind dd of Child Line.

The number for CAMHS I was given was only a data colleciton agency, but they've told me I should go through the GP anyway.

Thanks for your help. I am just waiting, waiting, waiting.

shelleylou · 17/12/2009 12:32

Waiting is the awful part. On winstons wish there is a young peoples area your DD may find that helpful. Hopefully the GP phones you back soon

Jux · 17/12/2009 14:17

I've got htat bit up on a separate tab, shelleylou, and I'm getting off the computer now, and will wait for dd to 'find' it.

shelleylou · 17/12/2009 16:34

hehe good thinking. She might be more open to the idea of using it if she thinks you dont know lol

PrincessFiorimonde · 18/12/2009 09:40

Jux, I just posted on your other thread. Hope you'll forgive me if my post is complete crap.

I'll just add - good idea from you and Shellylou for your daughter to 'find' the idea herself.

Jux · 18/12/2009 09:49

PrincessFuirimonde, I've read your post and will reply to it there. I'm so happy to have someone telling me what it was like for them. It's confusing having two threads, but sometimes I am just screaming for as much help as I can get, so though I'm sure it's not really MNettiquette, I've done it.

BTW, she 'found' Winston's Wish, and said Oh I've seen that and clicked away from it! So much for good ideas... Suspect she just wants to get away from reality when she's on the computer/tv/screen-thing. Can't say I blame her either.

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