For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Sorry to butt in - just been reading through your posts. Shelley - at the inquest you will be given a chance to go out of the room, if you want to, when they discuss the injuries or if they show photographs. I was petrified at the thought of going to my sons (Matt) inquest but the officials showed an enormous amount of respect for my family.

Sending my love and thoughts to all of you who have had to experience the loss of your precious siblings xxxxxxx

MAS, nice to see you on here. Thinking of your brother today.

Also as today is World Day of Rememberance for Road Traffic Victims, remembering Jon, shelleylou's brother, Amy, and all the people killed or injured on the roads and their families.

Thinking of you today maryann.

That makes sense Shabs, as horrible as it might sound ive got to know if he had any other injuries etc. Dont think we'll find out what that idiot (trying to be polite as its early would rather use other descriptions) did until the trial. When i found out his cause of death i was realing he was hit with a lot of force i would think for those 2 injuries. I saw some of the autopsy stiches a few times, the sheet never covered them on the one side so i kept altering it so my youngest brother didn't see them. Even more protective of him now than before lol.

Thinking of my brother Matt, Jon and Amy today. I'm just about to light a candle for them.

Evansmummy - I didn't know that it was today - thanks for letting us know - will light my candle today in memory of my little lad - Matt - and all lost loved ones. Thank you xxxx

and Shabs' Matt too

thinking of your siblings today too and shabbs' son xxx

Thanks all.

Shabs, it's very badly publicised for something that's supposed to raise public awareness. It's only existed on an international level since 2003 but nobody knows about it, which is really a shame. The service was ok, but it was a lot about road safety and very little about remembering lost loved ones, which I thought a shame. Lots of politicians spouting sh1t. Disappointing. Makes me want to do something actually.

I can understand road safety being brought into it. I'd be disappointed it was more that than remembering lost loved ones. What exactly is it you want to do evansmummy

If you do decide to do something evansmummy let me know please i'd be happy to join forces with you.

Ive just found out that the county council are cutting the budget for road safety by £750,000 would be published 4 weeks from Matt's death. Im pretty sure its his flowers they've used in the picture too. Just to add insult to injury they had to have a floral tribute with the article.

www.roadpeace.org/

Wondered if this would be of any help?

Thanks Shabs, just had a quick look at that site and its gave me some information on something i didnt know about.

I was right, even shows the photo of him attached to the flowers from my parents

I had an assessment today for CBT which I'm hoping I might get ( long story - have had OCD for many years -sometimes it has been very bad - had CBT some years ago and it helped - to update,I live with it and get on but my life would be a lot easier if I was free of compulsions etc)
I was asked about things in childhood that might have triggered OCD and it became apparent that the death of my brother and the fact that we didn't grieve properly points towards my feelings of insecurity and fears - I did sort of know this before as I've had a lot of therapy in the intervening years and I always feel that any trauma is easily pinned on the fact that my brother died when I was quite young. However,today it kind of made sense more and I cried -which surprised me because it was such a long time ago. Am feeling quite drained now. I see that I felt that my parents couldn't keep us safe and so I compensated by developing exaggerated rituals in order to protect my home and family. It was suggested that grief counselling might help so must have a think about that. Sorry to unburden on here,when your losses are so much more recent and raw.

MAS! Don't apologise. You are proof that dealing with things, letting them out is the healthiest way through this.

I am so sorry it was hard for you, but perhaps now you'll be able to start to deal with things and allow yourself to grieve. May the healing commence!

And unburden away, whenever you like. Someone will be around eventually.

(Where has everyone been? I've popped in every day to make sure noone was in serious need, but haven't felt useful enough to write anything . How are you all?)

thanks evansmummy - I'm sure that nothing but good can come of this but am amazed that it's taken me so long to make the connections. I tend to think that stoical is good but really one does need to wail and rail about things - having stiff upper lips and being buttoned up isn't always agood idea !

hey, hope your all ok today.
Im a bit of a mess atm. Still cant believe my bro is gone. Not sure if its cos ive dne everything i can for him. Went out with some mates of his on thursday and i couldnt look at the picture one of them at had their flat, was the one that was published in the paper. My friend told some of them what my necklace was (didnt want them to know unless i told them) She kept messing around with it and kissing it it really pissed me off. Its mine, for me not them. That may sound really selfish but hey ho.

shelleylou

its daft thought that picture is framed in my parents front room and i can look at it, its as if its wrong that his friend has it in his. Have just realised that my necklace issue might sound cryptic so i apologise for that. Some did ask if its what they thought it was and it is

What is your necklace, shelleylou? (Sorry, curiosity has got the better of me )

Just received some more photos and videos from a friend of Jon's. I've seen most of the photos but none of the videos. It's so hard seeing him move, and hearing his voice after all this time. I would never have though that more than 18 months later I would still be seeing new stuff of him. It makes me so sad still. How long til it gets better?

I have had a tough few weeks. Interviewing for a job tomorrow as a SEN assistant. Great on paper, but in fact it would be working with a boy who has an acuired brain injury sustained when he was knocked down by a car six months ago. IIt's uncanny. Of all the children, and all the special needs, that's what it turns out to be. 'm going to the interview but I really don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. I'll wait to see if I'm offered the job, then make a decision, I guess. I just don't know.

Also, Jonny's inquest on Friday. Going to Leeds on Thurs and staying overnight in the hotel we stayed in while Jon was in hospital. Dreading it all. Will prob have to see the driver again. And may get to ask some questions about the hospital treatment he received.

Plus it's ds birthday next Tuesday, we leave for France for Christmas four days after that. I'm stressing about it all.

Its a vial with some of my dbs ashes in. Cant actually see them but i know they're there.

Thats good taht his friend sorted out some pictures. I know what you mean about seeing him move, seams strange as you cant see him properly if that makes sense. I dont know about hearing his voice though, haven't got any videos or recordings of mine, got one with him laughing though, I have no idea how long it will take.

How did your interview go? Thats quite a cooincidence.

I hope Jonny'd inqest goes well tomorrow. I know you can ask questions and the driver doesn't have to be there but can be subpeonaed (sp) if the family want him there and it will be adjourned.

Im just not coping at all can barely keep my head above water and have to look after ds. I've got my birthday at the weekend cant believe i wont see my db on or around it. Wish i could just go sleep and not wake up for a while... that would be lovely sooo tired

shelleylou, I so remember that feeling, and I sadly still get it from time to time. Grief tires you out immensely and you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. For about 2 months I couldn't even look after my ds. Dh did it all for me. I have lost a whole chunk of time where I was just in a kind of daze, shock i guess. Can you get some help, are your folks nearby and able to lend a hand, or a good friend? My friends cooked meals for me for about a month, it was the only thing I ate all day and if it hadn't have been for them I just wouldn't have eaten at all. I wish you were closer, I cook up a storm, and I'd bring you some stuff for the freezer!

First birthdays and special occasions are always horrible. In fact the whole first year is. Not to say it gets any better in the second one, but at least the 'firsts' of everything are then out of the way. He will be there though, in your hearts and memories. My Dad did this really nice thing on all of our birthdays in the first year where he asked us to share one or two of our biggest or most favourite memories of Jonny. It was a very special moment, and we strangely learned things from each other that we weren't aware of about him. Can you guys do something like that? I'll be thinking of you.

Interview went ok, I think if they offer me the job I'm gonna take it. Seems too much of a coincidence not to mean something iyswim.

Dreading tomorrow. Just don't wanna see the driver. I still hate him, though it embarrasses me to say that.

Your necklace sounds awesome. What a beautiful idea, wish I'd thought of it! The only 'part' of Jon I have left is some of his beard which I took from his clippers () and a contact lens! I might try and do something with the beard, maybe make a small jumper? No, I'm kidding .

I'm not sleeping properly at all. Only way i really get any is if ive had a few drinkd and/or ive cried myself to sleep. Try to look after myself. DP is a good help when hes off work. Thats really sweet of you to say. Mum and I talk about him but i think im still in shock as i dont believe it was him in that coffin. I have a book which friends of his have wrote memories in. I still bought him a christmas card from me and 1 from ds. Then got upset that i couldnt give them to him. Mum said he can stil have them they can be put by his casket. So ill either do that or attach them to a helium balloon and let them go.

Glad your interview went well. It does seam too much of a coincidence not to mean something. I dont see why your embarrassed about hating him i think its warrented tbh. He doesnt have to be there so hopefully he isnt. DO you mind me asking why the inquest has taken to long to come round? If you dont want to answer thats fine and i completely understand.

The necklace came about as mum was going to get him turned into gold chains for her and my dad. It worked out that it was essentially a gold topped vial with coloured liquid in and the ashes. Really expensive too. Having them this way means db and i have one aswell as our parents. How about getting something similar to put your brothers beard in. Can get same sort of things as my necklace as a keyring too. I think thats sweet. I dont blame you doing it, i would if my db had a beard, he was growing a bit of one, well goatee really. It looked good really suited him.

I haven't read all of this thread, just parts of it, though I have 'met' shelleylou on another thread, and just wanted, basically, to say 'hello, I'm thinking of you' both to shelleylou and to all of you here.

As shelleylou knows, I lost my brother (aged 23) in an accident 29 years ago. (I was 20.)

I also lost a brother (aged 20) to illness 10 years before that. (I was 10.)

I'm just here to say - it is a terrible, heartbreaking thing. But the pain does change, as MaryAnn has said. It's not that you forget your sibling - OF COURSE not - but you learn to accommodate the pain somehow. It becomes a part of your life, something you incorporate within yourself, so that the pain becomes less raw. The brother or sister that you love is always with you, always within your heart, and that person is never truly 'dead' - because you, your family and your sibling's friends always keep a flame alive for them.

I don't know if any of this makes sense.

I'm sorry if that seems horribly unhelpful/unrealistic for people whose siblings have died recently. I feel for all of you whose grief is still raw. Forgive me if I can't find the words to help.

Shelleylou, the necklace sounds lovely. And have a bloody drink if it helps - that was my way of coping too (well, not when I was 10...). Don't be hard on yourself.

Evansmummy, am thinking of you today and hoping the inquest may help you to make sense of it all.

Very many un-Mumsnet hugs and kisses to all who are here - whether posting or just reading.

Put this message on the wrong thread so here it is again.

Hey EM, hope you're ok today. Not been around much i know, very depressed and not much to say. Keep having dreams of burying my brother as a little boy - lovely. But I pop in from time to time to see how people are getting on. x