For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Ive got some childhood memories in there from some from when we're older. Think i might put in the memory of him getting ds off me when he was a day old cos he wouldnt settle. and of his christening throughout the photos it was db that has ds's attention.
Will sort out the front room a bit get pjs ready for ds and get sorted to go see DB and work on it a bit more when im back. Will have to email it to the pastor(sp?) tomorrow

EM your Christmas plans sound like a good idea. Am dreading it too - last year there was such a gaping hole. Meant to say to you as well that I know Leeds well as I was also a student there (many years ago) and lived there afterwards, so the places your dad mentioned in his eulogy are very familiar to me. Strange to think of your brother in a place where I was so happy - isn't it weird that we seem to have tenuous connections here and there.

I feel so comforted by reading these posts again even though I'm also in tears. I wish I didn't 'know' any of you, but I'm so glad I do!

Wow, MissM, what a small world. He was hit on Clarendon Road, at the junction with Victoria Road. Dreadful dreadful blind bend on that road, and the speed I watched cars coming up the hill, and cutting the corner shocked me. I'm convinced the driver was on the wrong side of the road. He lived on Highbury Terrace in his 2 last years there, if you know it.

Sorry, I hate Leeds. He was attacked there, he died there. After the inquest is done, I will never never go back.

shelleylou, I will be thinking of you today and tomorrow and hoping you can get some peace, if only a tiny bit from the funeral process. It won't be easy, but you have all my (virtual) support.

How are you feeling?

in case you're interested

EM, I did my undergraduate degree in Leeds as well so it gave a little jolt of recognition reading about the Original Oak in your dad's eulogy.

I had a friend who lived in Victoria Road - I know exactly where you mean. I don't blame you at all for hating Leeds. That article has made my blood run cold. Horrible horrible horrible, and unbelievable that the sentence was so lenient. I suspect because the driver had had such a tragic loss too but it doesn't comfort you guys.

When were you at Leeds cyteen?

Shelleylou, also thinking of you today and sending you strength. In my experience the funeral doesn't bring peace (at least not straight away), but it does mark another landmark that needs passing on this long long looooooong road.

I was there 95-98. Lived in Lupton Flats for my first year, then around Hyde Park.

Ok, you were arriving just as I was leaving (my PGCE finished in 1995). I carried on living there till 2000, but in Chapel Allerton.

Funny old small world isn't it.

Have found myself crying a lot reading all your posts over the last few days. Start welling up as soon as I see your names for some reason. Am doing it now...

I think we're all feeling extra vulnerable at the moment...I keep waking up at 3.30am consumed with anxiety about DS and have to get up and listen to the monitor to make sure he's breathing. Maybe it's the time of year?

Perhaps. I burst into tears just now (am supposedly working from home) and when DH asked me what was wrong I bawled 'everything!' DD and DS are in really niggly moods at the moment too so obviously picking up on my anxiety. I've been waking at 3 as well. Will tell you hello when it happens tonight cyteen!

OMG that sentance is outragious.
My brothers killer was arrsted on suspision of death by dangerious driving, Rumours that he was DUI aswell but AFAIK they are just that. DB wouldnt have been on the bike if he knew the rider was drunk. I barely slept last night. I can believe im not going to see my brother again after 8pm tonight and dont think i can get up there this afternoon aswell. Thanks for the wishes of strength im going to need them

Doesnt help that im wondering whether the only person who is unwelcome at my brothers funeral is going to turn up dispite our wishes. He'd either be really brave or really stupid. Im going with stupid as he hasnt even offered an apology or condolences to us.

shelley, we had the same fears with regard to an ex of my brother's who treated him really badly. In the end she got scared off by other people's comments and didn't show. I hope it's the same for you. How do you feel when you go and see him? I only managed it the once cos I thought he looked so strange. His forehead was a funny shape cos of the operation (he had a piece of skull removed before he died to release pressure to the brain), and he looked like him without looking anything like him iykwim. I think you're being so brave.

Horrible time of year. I guess maybe that contributes to how sensitive we all are at the moment. His friends have started writing on his wall again on fb, after a silence of a few months, so that hurts too. Knowing so many people miss him...

I've been waking at 4am! Just reminds me so much of the early days last year, when I would wake, not fall back to sleep and sit on my balcony chain-smoking. Horrible.

Theres an ex of my dbs that might show if shes kept away from me itll be fine. Im more worried bout the rider turning up, hes already asked to come and then to see db at the funeral directors. I wouldnt be accountable for my actions.
It does look like him but it doesnt, ive seen him deteriorate over the past few days. Had to keep rearranging the sheet that was wrapped round him at the hospital cos of the autopsy sitiches. Usually i feel more at ease when i see him cos i can see hes at peace. Last night was very mixed, still looked at peace but he really didnt look like my bro anymore, strange really as hes unmarked. But he was dressed in his clothes not sheets or a hospital gown and in his coffin.
I pent half of last night lying awake my sleeping pill didnt help and darent take another cos of ds. Im chain smoking too, think ive went through 4*20 packs of L&B and a 50g pack of tobacco since last monday.

Thinking of you and your family today, shelleylou. I wish I had the right words. Hope you get through your reading. Sending you stength xx

Shelleylou, I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope you managed to get through the funeral ok and still feel your bro very close to you.

Sorry for jumping in but I need to write something down that's in my heart at the moment ...

This Halloween will be the 13th anniversary of losing my big sister. I HATE this time of year but am dressing my DS up as a pumpkin to make me smile! (Selfish I know but I don't care.) But what I should really say is that 13 years have gone by without my sister by my side and I miss her still so much but I have got much better at dealing with it. It's not any 'easier' as such, but I am used to missing her these days, so it hurts much much less than it used to. I didn't believe it could at the time, but my life has gone on without her and I like to feel that she lives through me instead.

So for all those people missing their loved ones right now I hope your pain and hurt reduce over time and you have a wonderful, fulfilling, fun and happy life that they will enjoy too, through you.

18 months today. Funny how it can seem at once like a lifetime and the blink of an eye. I miss him so much.

I'm such an arse. It wasn't 18 months yesterday, only 17. I need help, obviously

I barely managed to get through the funeral. I did the eulogy. Then ran through the curtains to the coffin after they had been closed at the end of the service. Still cant believe hes gone. Dont think it helps that Im now even more certain he was killed rather than him doing what the rider said due to futher info we were given a few days before the funeral

I am very, very down today. I don't know why. Caroline would not be pleased with me! I am hardly missing Mum because I still feel so overwhelmed at losing my twin. I've locked the office door so none of the staff will see me crying.

oneofapair, you have had to deal with a lot recently. Your going to have down days. Im sure Caroline would understand!!! your grief for you mum and caroline i would imagine is different as your relationship with each was different. How was your mums funeral. Im about for a bit if you want to talk!!!! unMN hugs

Just read that back.Im sorry if it sounds patronising

I've been sent here by Cyteen and Ruby. I can't say what has happened again so this was my unintelligible post.

I am having a bit of a problem too, because my bro was a musician too, and he is all over the internet and facebook and I can't stop looking. This afternoon it was helping me to read the comments of strangers, but this evening it isn't.

This evening I want to scream and shout that I don't care how much they bloody hurt, it's a million times worse for me. How can his "oldest friends" (and they are) express themselves so easily and glibly on the bloody internet? So what if you grew up with him? HE WAS MY BROTHER.

Jux, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother and mum. My little brother died almost 18 months ago after a hit and run. It is such early days for you, and as frasersmummy said, please do whatever you need to do to get through it. We'll be here as much as we can to support you, but it's a long and lonely journey.

Fb can be a bugger. My other brother set up a page for Jonny when he died for people to write stuff and post photos, and I find it so hard to go on there. Yet I have a kind of dark fascination for it. Of course it's much easier for other people to post on there than you, you are so closely involved. For example, my other brother has never posted on Jon's fb page, while some friends go on often just to say 'miss you'. Each of us deals with it differently, so don't feel bad about it. Be thankful that many people were touched by your brother.

shelleylou, so sorry haven't been on before. Have been trying to cope with my own stuff, and have become so selfish in my grief, I didn't know what to say to you. Well done for getting through the funeral, even barely! I hung onto Jonny's coffin too, just had my other brother at my side and didn't want to let go. It's the last physical remnant that's so hard to detach from. Sorry about your news from the police too. It's gonna be a long and painful investigation and process. I'm here if you need me.

oneofapair, same to you, I'm so sorry I haven't been around. How are you getting on? Don't be ashamed about crying. I always hated it when people would say 'Jonny wouldn't want you to be ...'. He's not here! He doesn't know what it feels like to be left behind. She would understand, I'm sure. And don't feel guilty about your mum either. my Nanna died 2 months before Jonny, and my Dad feels so guilty for not having been able to properly grieve for her, as it was his son such a short time after. Circumstances have made it what it is, it's not your fault.