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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

998 replies

evansmummy · 05/11/2008 16:44

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

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evansmummy · 23/10/2009 21:21

Shelley, remind when the funeral is? I hope you find it beneficial to say somethingat his funeral. We all spoke at my brother's and we're glad we did. He deserved for us to be strong that day. And though it was a day filled with immense sadness, it was special. Lots of people with lots of good memories.

oneofapair, it's been said before on this thread, siblings are often the forgotten ones in bereavement. Of course it can be soul-destroying to lose a child, so our parents get lots of sympathy, as they rightly should. But people often forget how hard it is for us to lose our brothers and sisters. People we spent all our time with growing up, who in some cases know us better than anyone else. We've all been through similar feelings at some point in our 'journeys', so while I can't promise you someone will always say 'I know exactly how you feel', we will understand. Do you feel able to share your feelings with a partner of friend?

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evansmummy · 23/10/2009 21:26

Oh, and like I said to cyteen and winetime, you post when you feel you can, not because you think you should. Noone is ever going to be upset because you feel you can't give anything. That's not what we're here for. We're just a 'listening ear', as much as that's possible on the 'net, and a place to spill yourself into if you need to. Feel free.

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shelleylou · 23/10/2009 22:41

its thursday. Ive told my parents i want to say someothing. My db and I are going to say what our brother was like. Im trying to find a poem that feels right and could be from us both

shelleylou · 23/10/2009 22:45

its thursday. Ive told my parents i want to say someothing. My db and I are going to say what our brother was like. Im trying to find a poem that feels right and could be from us both

evansmummy · 23/10/2009 23:19

What sort of poem were you looking for? Have you had a bit of an internet search? There's loads of stuff out there.

I'm really pleased that you're so sure about reading at your brother's funeral and I'm sure your he would be proud of you. I'm gonna be thinking of you lots this week. The build up can be really tough.

Sending you strength and peace

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shelleylou · 23/10/2009 23:36

im terrified of doing it i know ill break down. Ive done an internet search but they are all from brother or sister want one from both of us or they mention god and im not sure if we're allowd that as its a crem service

MissM · 24/10/2009 08:14

Hello and 'welcome' shelleylou and oneofapair. This is a long thread, but I re-read it from time to time and somehow it does help. Oneofapair - like EM said, all experiences are so individual, and no-one can 'know' how you feel, but if you do have a look on here you'll find that there are many shared experiences, and it has helped me knowing that others have an understanding of certain aspects of this shitty journey as it's known. I have said things on here that I've been too scared to say out loud to anyone (see my much earlier post about wanting to be dead so I could be with my brother).

Shelleylou I did see your other thread and was meaning to direct you here but fortunately someone else did. Your experience sounds horrific, and I thought of EM as I read it. In answer to your questions, I am a year (and a week) down the line, and it makes no more sense to me than it did a year ago. The pain is less acute, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. Life is very much about existing at the moment - sorry I can't be more optimistic. Others who have suffered this but have more distance can be more comforting (MaryAnnSingleton is a sweetheart for example).

MissM · 24/10/2009 08:18

Shelleylou - have a look at the posts from this time last year, which is when we buried my brother. Have you got someone to hold on to you while you speak, like I had? I know it got me through, and Winetime too. If you can't find a poem then write a eulogy - I had three poems that I loved (none of which were religious), but in the end I wanted to talk in a more direct way. A little bit of humour helps - I recalled a funny incident at the beginning of my speech and the laughter (which I wasn't expecting) really gave me strength and dried up my tears and got me through the rest.

oneofapair · 24/10/2009 08:23

shelleylou - I think you will be surprised at how many suitable poems there are on the WWW. I found a lovely one for my twin sister and was so glad i found the inner strength to deliver it at her funeral. A poem doesn't seem appropriate for my Mum (her funeral is on Monday)but it was so right for Caroline

shelleylou · 24/10/2009 09:49

My youngest brother and I are going up together so we can support each other. I was writing down little bits id like to say lst night. Very incoherent atm as the only order they are in is the one i thought of them in. I want a peom from a brother and sister to a brother but can only find from one or the other. Want to try and find someone to have ds for a bit this afternoon or evening so i can see my bro, got today tomorrow tuesday afternoon and wednesday to see him before the funeral.

evansmummy · 24/10/2009 18:23

Hey shelley, did you manage to see your brother today? How do you feel about it?

Can you not find a poem and adapt it to what exactly you want to say? Otherwise, I think it's amazing that you're able to write some things down to say. It will make it very personal. Your brother would be proud, I'm sure.

We'll all be here to support you in the little way we can. And will be thinking of you over the next week.

oneofapair, what a hard time for you at the moment. I've only just read your thread, and I'm amazed at how coherent you sound! I was a gibbering mess just after my brother died, and you have double the grieving to do... Will your dad be able to come to the funeral? I'll be thinking of you too on Monday.

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shelleylou · 24/10/2009 20:17

ye i did ive not long got back. Cant believe hes been there since wednesday and we were only told yesterday. Its my brother still looks like my brother but hes not there. I was with him for ages telling him ill make him proud tomorrow night want to get everyone to raise a glass of JD and coke to him.

My son really got to me earlier we were going town and he said 'see Matt, go see matt' so i explained again that he was in the sky looking down on us but we wouldnt be able to see him anymore. Got a book for the memories of friends tomorrow and went to see some friends of his. Hes been sorting my brothers bike out, i had to see what it was like, my bro would be proud. Didnt want my ds to see it but he did and started saying 'matts motorbike' a few times and tried looking for him.

iwascyteenagewerewolf · 24/10/2009 20:50

shelleylou, I spoke at my brother's funeral and it really helped me. Knowing it was something only I could do for him, because there is no one in the world who shared what we shared. On the first page of this thread is the eulogy I gave, if you want to read it. It was so important to me to speak for him and I surprised myself with how well I kept it together.

Not sure what kind of a service you're having, but the humanist lady who did Si's sat down with us all beforehand and talked everything through. I emailed her a copy of my eulogy before the day and she assured me that she would be on hand to read it if I found myself unable.

Hi everyone else, still plodding on here. evansmummy, I put myself back on the waiting list for a different counsellor because I didn't get on with the guy they sent. Still waiting, but am okay with that.

shelleylou · 24/10/2009 22:25

He's having a service at the crematorium so not too sure what that is tbh as this will be the first funeral i have attended. I did read your eulogy think ill have to go back and read it again. Its important i speak about him i know i dont have to but i want to for him. he has to know what he ment to me

evansmummy · 25/10/2009 07:06

I think a crem service can be exactly what you want it to be. Have you had a chance to chat to the person who will be leading the service? They should be able to tell you in detail how it will go, as well as allow you space to say whatever you want to.

cyteen's eulogy is beautiful. I think any heartfelt words about what your brother meant to you will be special. I read a poem, but my other brother read a eulogy, as did my Dad. I've never posted them before. Here they are :

My brother's:

My brother and I were always very close, especially in recent years. We would go out drinking together, go to gigs; we had similar tastes in music. We?d do a lot of things together as mates not just as brothers.

We learnt to rock climb a few years ago with a friend of our dad?s, John Walsh, and we would always be very encouraging of each other. There was never any competition when we were trying to climb difficult routes. We both just wanted to make sure each other got to the top. We were a team in that respect, the climb wasn?t complete unless we?d both conquered it.

We would go to countless number of gigs together. Always catch the train into town early, go climbing, have a few drinks and go to the gig together. Have a few more drinks. Jump around as if we were still little kids; catch the last train home and decide the best plan of action was to run back from the train station on a stomach full of beer and burgers. He always ended up waiting for me to catch my breath.

Jonny came to many of the gigs that I played. He was always very encouraging and the first one after our set to come and tell us how good we were even if we weren?t! He was always very positive; even if we?d come off stage moaning about the sound, he?d tell us that even though the sound was bad we still played really well and it came across. I will miss him whenever I play.

I was always very proud of my brother and eager to introduce him to any new people I met. He was always very energetic, enthusiastic, and not afraid to get stuck into anything, no matter how hard or scary it might have been.
Jonny was an incredibly moral person, always doing the right thing no matter how hard a decision it might have been. I always tried to set a good example for Jon in this respect, but in recent years when I found myself with a difficult decision to make I?d ask myself what he would have done.

He was my climbing partner, my gigging buddy my brother and most of all, my best friend. I will miss him always, but I am thankful for all the time he was with us. He will be with me in my heart and thoughts forever.

My Dad's:

Jonny was the youngest of our three children and although we love all of our kids equally, Jonny was special. Whether that was because he was the last we were going to have or because he wasn?t really planned or I don?t know what, but he was special. Linda used to sit and hug him for hours when he was very young.

He was never any trouble to us. He watched his elder brother and sister make the mistakes and he learned from it and played a good game accordingly, but he was never any trouble.

Well, that is if you ignore the time when he fell off the bar stool at the rugby club and split his chin open at the age of 4 and we spent the night in casualty. Or when he fell off the wall when we were in the south of France holidaying with the Winters and split his eyebrow open. He had to have that stapled together by the local docteur. Or when he split open the back of his head when he fell in our garden.

But really he was never that much trouble, apart from breaking his arm at Dair House school when he fell all of 18 inches from the climbing frame or when he broke his arm again falling from a tree in our back garden at Idle Wood. He did give us a little concern when he set the boarding house bedroom alight when he was at RGS Wycombe. I think he was showing his mates a new trick that his brother had shown him; something to do with a can of deodorant and a box of matches. Although he really wasn?t any trouble even when he got caught smoking at school.

No he was never really any trouble, except when he fell from the first floor fire escape of the Andy?s flat in Leeds at 1am in the morning and broke his jaw in two places. He did look a bit like desperate Dan when Linda and I picked him up from Leeds General Infirmary later the next day. But honestly, he wasn?t any trouble although we were worried when he got attacked by three muggers late in the evening in Headingley after leaving his job at the Original Oak pub. They attacked him from behind with heavy bars and he sustained bad head injuries. But all this was really in keeping as he was mad keen, as Erin has said, on becoming a stunt man and used to joke about all the scars he had as being part of the necessary CV for his desired future occupation. And he made us laugh especially at his sister Claire?s wedding to Jean-Paul in France when he was in charge of serving the beer and by halfway through the evening he was happily drunk after serving one beer for himself every time he served one for anyone else.

And although all these things happened he really wasn?t any trouble to us and he did live his life to the full. If ever anyone made his years count, it was Jonny. He loved acting for which he received his degree from Leeds Uni where he was living and especially as you?ve heard he loved his music and went to gigs all the time, whenever he could, supporting the various bands that his brother was in, or going with Chris and friends to Glastonbury and Reading festivals and coming home dirty and smelly. But he enjoyed it all. He went skydiving, horse riding, did tai quando, roller blading, gymnastics, weight training, running, parcours-ing and especially he loved climbing, whether with Chris or with friends in Leeds it was his big love. He was very, very fit. Keen on rugby and food & cooking, he enjoyed himself whenever and wherever he could. He made people around him feel good and was always happy and laughing. He did everything that he could in his life to the full. He always had lots of friends for he was kind and considerate, caring, thoughtful and forgiving. I never heard him say a bad word about anybody and he always looked for the good in people he met. He loved people and the social life and having a good time, but he also enjoyed being at home and just doing the normal things of life. Jon never bragged or boasted, he was modest and never sought praise, ever helpful and willing. He was just a great guy and like Chris, he was as much a friend as anything else. He was just good to be with.

Jon always seemed at peace with himself, confident and secure and never afraid to give his mum a hug and a kiss in front of his friends or school mates and to tell her that he loved her.

He really was just the best son a parent could ask for and Linda and I know that wherever we go in this world Jon will be with us, for he will truly always be a very special person to us. Jonny may be out of sight but he will never be out of our hearts and our minds.

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shelleylou · 25/10/2009 10:28

No i havent spoken to the. Tried phoning to arrange seeing him and got' we usually reserve evening appointments for family' Mums phoned them and said anyone who wants to see him in evening can they were like family to him. Im still waiting for them to phone me to give me the time

MissM · 26/10/2009 08:52

EM thank you for sharing the eulogies. They are both beautiful and even though I don't know your family your dad's did make me laugh. What a lovely tribute. Isn't it interesting how much our brothers got from life, and how much they lived it. Some of what your dad said could have been about my brother, although he and Jonny were obviously very different people. I thought the same about cyteen's too.

Just underlines the complete and absolute waste and meaninglessness of their deaths doesn't it.

iwascyteenagewerewolf · 26/10/2009 16:03

It really does, MissM...I'm feeling it a lot atm, as I always do in the run up to Christmas. My gorgeous little DS has just started walking and is spending his days throwing himself into our arms with shrieks of joy. My brother should be here to share this experience too. He would have really marvelled at seeing DS grow up.

MissM · 26/10/2009 16:15

Oh he sounds gorgeous Cyteen. How old is he? I was four months pregnant with my DS when my brother first got ill (I mean when the cancer first showed itself - he'd been diagnosed two years before that) so heaved my growing bump in and out of hospital during that time. Then he died when DS was 11 months. They barely knew each other - I suspect my brother actually kept himself away from my son because it was too painful knowing that they'd never have a relationship. Our brothers should have known their nephews.

We were watching some old video of DD as a baby yesterday when out of the blue there was my brother, healthy, tanned, happy, holding her in his arms and singing to her. It was so wonderful to see him as 'him', before the illness took hold, and then so terrible to realise all over again that he was gone. I felt hollowed out.

iwascyteenagewerewolf · 26/10/2009 16:22

He's just about 14mo - the chubby luscious stage here's a photo from a couple of months ago.

That must have been really difficult, doing the hospital visiting with a growing life inside you. We only started trying for a baby a few months before Si died, so he never even knew - it didn't seem right somehow to talk about it when his life was so obviously winding down.

MissM · 26/10/2009 16:56

Oh he's gorgeous, look at those big eyes! I love their little juicy bottoms when they're like this.

It was very hard and there were times that I worried so much for my son as his only experiences of me seemed to be crying and after he was born there was so much sadness. He was fascinated by my brother when he was with him - I remember him sitting on my lap at about 9 months staring and staring at my brother playing his accordion. One of the last things we ever talked about was my hope that DS could play the accordion when he was old enough. To be honest though the thought of it is really painful!

MissM · 26/10/2009 16:58

Actually just to add to that, I think it helped my brother that me and our other brother had small children in terms of his life leaving him. I know for him our kids symbolised life continuing, whicih was painful but comforting as well somehow (although I'm only able to say this now - certainly didn't see it that way then, and felt guilty that he and his wife weren't allowed that opportunity).

evansmummy · 27/10/2009 13:17

ou two have me in tears. Streaming! Such poignant words and memories, I'm heart broken.

I feel the same, every day, when I look at my boy. I think Jon would have had such a great time with him. My other brother is not such a one for kids, but Jonny would have been great with him. I can imagine them larking about, and it makes me feel so sad to know they won't be able to. Although ds was 3 when his uncle died, I don't think he really remembers him other than through my memories, and what I say about him. Which is heart breaking too. Jonny was so proud to be an uncle.

I also hate this time of year. Such a shame because I loved Christmas, being with family, sharing traditions etc. This year my folks have decided to do something radically different - Jonny's dead, my brother is in Canada, so they wanted it to be different this year. Last year we had to keep it the same, the first one without him and everything needed to be what we were used to, but this year, we're going to France for the whole Christmas period. As soon as school breaks up, til NYE. And my in laws are coming for Christmas Eve - Boxing Day .

I'm going through a really down patch atm. Tears almost constantly welling up, hardly want to get out of bed, craving alcohol every day. I'm not dealing with thigs very well. I just wish it weren't true.

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shelleylou · 27/10/2009 15:47

Thanks for posting the eulogies.
I've got one thats half written atm more of a first draft. I know i have to edit it. My dad just read it and the poem ive chosen to read and was in tears. Parents keep telling me it doesnt matter if i dont manage to read it, just that its being done and ive wrote it. Im not sure whether to include some memories i have of him with my ds.

evansmummy · 27/10/2009 17:51

shelleylou, you should make it as personal as you want to. I would have thought that a few memories of your ds and brother would be a really lovely idea.

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