For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Its ok Evansmummy dont worry about not being on before now. I wanted to beleive it was someone else in his coffin couldnt believe it was him. It gives me a bit of a clearer picture that i had before of what happened. Still lots of missing gaps. I know its going to take time but with not being able to have a time limit for it or the inquest it makes it seam surreal still IYKWIM. Finding things difficult atm especially today, keep looking at my phone to see if he's text to say he'll be round to see ds and bring his card. Ds's birthday today

Hey everybody, just popped in to see how you all were and was very sad to read your posts Jux, Sarey, Shelleylou. Jux - my brother died of cancer aged 34 last October and it has been a long, hard year. It's hard when they're public property isn't it. I felt very mixed emotions towards the people publically grieving for my brother - on the one hand it was wonderful and incredible that he was so known about and loved, on the other I felt like somehow he was being taken away from me by people who didn't really know him (but even that's unfair cos lots of them knew him very well and loved him dearly, and all have shown much respect to his family).

So I can relate, and can only say it's agonising and dreadful, and I am so so sorry that you are going through this terrible thing too. (BTW EM I didn't htink you were an arse sweetheart!)

There are people coming out of the woodwork who have found me on fb. There are people on his Memorial page whom I find very suspect in their motives and I want to shake them particularly and tell them to bugger off, but then how do I know?

Most of them it's really lovely stuff and it's getting easier to read.

I have had that with facebook. A lot of my brothers friends have added me. I think its sometimes to have that connection with him. IKWYM about some peoples motives and them saying about they loved your brother etc. I actually told someone to shut up they didnt have a clue what it was like you were his gf for a little while earlier in the year. I grew up with him and he was my bro speech after them doing the whole woe is me act.
Unfortunately we cant know there motives only suspect them. Its the nice messages that make it easier to read them and other peoples memories.
How are you feeling now Jux?

You're right shelleylou. I'm sure I'm not the only one who suspects their motives anyway.

There's one guy in particular who persuaded my bro to do something really really stupid and he's a classic music-biz wannabe, one of those guys who has a very small talent but a very big idea of himself. I can't be the only one who can see what he's doing, anyone who knows him will be saying "oh yeah, there's X. Had to be jumping on the bandwagon, didn't he?" or words to that effect. Unless of course, I'm wrong, which would actually be even better wouldn't it?

Hey, there's a smile!

I've been very selfish on here, and not asked after anyone else, or even acknowledged other people's pain. I'm so sorry.

Its still very raw for you Jux. Its hard to acknoldge it sometimes as noone else understands completely how your feeling. Its such a personal thing. Glad you got a smile a little one every now and then is good

Fb has it's advantages and disadvantages. I had the same feeling as you guys, that some people just felt they had to be involved without caring that much about it really. Those are the ones that left one message and then haven't been back on since.

There was also his most recent EX-girlfriend who I had a big falling out with (we're ok now). Emotions run very high and details seem incredibly important when in fact knowing them doesn't change much. It's just another step along the path, and in the end I came to realise that those people with questionable motives don't really matter...

Sunday is World Day of Rememberance for Road Traffic Victims. I'm going to a service in London (in fact with the girl I've just mentioned!). Please think of Jonathan, shelleylou's brother and the millions of others injured and killed on the roads, as well as their families, on Sunday. Look here for more information if you are interested.

The details are important to me especially some. I wanted to know the time they declared my db dead as they continued trying at the hospital but put his TOD at the scene. I had to know how hard they tried even though one of his injuries would have killed him practically instantly and they couldnt have seen that. Still loads that i want to know but cant find out for an unknown duration. Other bits i know ill never know.

Thanks for that link evansmummy, just looking to see if theres something near me.

shelleylou, i know what you mean about the details. I am obssessed with them. Paticularly anything about the accident, as there were no independent witnesses. In fact, one of the girls who arrived first on the scene of the accident left a message on my brother's fb a couple of months ago and I've only just noticed it. I messaged her to ask her about some of the details and I've just read her reply. I'm crying so hard now.

We have a witness who is surposed to be very good but i cant really comment as i dont know who they are obviously and what they saw. Im quite obsessed with knowing but cant get the majority of my answers til the inquest and trial whenever they are.
Was nice that she replied to you. Hope the answers you got arent too upsetting.

They were worse than I thought. I had a picture in my mind of the scene when she arrived and it wasn't like how I'd imagined it. He had his eyes open and was trying to move. I'd just presumed he was straight away unconscious after hitting the road. I so wish I could have seen him open his eyes in the hospital. I wish it wasn't real. I want him home...

Did you find something near you on Sunday? I'm going to London.

Awww. Im sorry. It's so hard to try and picture it. I know i have a picture of what happened and im pretty sure im right with this. It might sound odd but i also want to know db's positioning. If someone told me he was moving afterwards id call them a liar.
I know what you mean about wanting him home Im exactly the same keep going to ring him to see if he wants to come round for a bit then remember his phone is at mums as are his ashes.
Theres nothing near me all a few hours away on the train might go to a normal service near me or ring the wardens and ask if they are doing anything for world rememberance day for road traffic victims.

Hello all. I will be thinking of you and your brothers on Sunday, evansmummy and shelleylou.

Struggling on at the moment. I hate being the only child. I cannot tell you how much I hate it. Feel like everything is pointless and I'm crap at everything, very tired out by all the extra anxiety and badness that Si's death has brought.

I'll be thinking of you both too, evansmummy and shelleylou.

I understand this need to find out as much of the deatails of what happened as possible as my dsis and I felt the same about my db's death. At first I felt that it was weird and macabre and that I was strange for needing to know but having read the experiences on here. now realise that it is part of the greiving process. Perhaps it is important to help to process the information in some way - something real in what otherwise seems a very unreal situation ?

The problem is that finding stuff out can also reveal details that make things even harder, which is what happened for us when we asked to read through the Coroner's file.

Sorry to hear you are not doing so well at the moment, cyteen. You can feel reasonably ok for a while and then all of a sudden it seems like it is right back to square one again. It is so hard to deal with.

I am also not coping too well.
It is the first anniversary of my db's death next week and it is a horrible prospect.

I want to read the coroners file. Have already said to my parents that i am going to the inquest even though i know there's going to be photos of his injuries. Im not sure that could be any worse than seeing the stiches from his autopsy. Also want to go to the trial so think ill have good use of a childminder when that comes around. It might sound really odd to some people but im sure my brother is trying to tell/show me something keep getting images flashing into my head at night but i cant remember what they are fully . Thanks for your thoughts on sunday.

Hope the anniversary goes as well as it can do winetime. Sorry your feeling so low cyteen.

I suppose I have an advantage, if you can call it that, in that I was there all through my brother's illness and death so I know exactly what happened. I don't have any questions about the process, unlike with my mum where it's nothing but questions because no fucker has ever seen fit to have a straight conversation with me about it ().

Sometimes I will be folding laundry or reading a book or playing with my son or just walking along the street thinking about what I'm going to have for dinner, and all of a sudden I will flash back to being in that hospital room the moment his breath began to fail, watching and waiting for the next breath until eventually there was none. Watching all the life ebb out of his face till it just looked like a wax doll lying on the hospital sheets.

I had thought I would scream and shout NOOOOOOOOOO in manner of ITV drama, but when the moment came I just whispered 'it's okay'.

Hi All. Sorry to hear everyone is so down atm. Can't say I'm any better I'm afraid.

Every time I read any of your messages there is something in them that I cn identify with. The feeling 'reasonably ok' then being hit, for no apparent reason, and at any time, by a memory, good or bad, is really debilitating. It feels like one step forward two steps back. Monday night, after I first got in touch with the girl from the scene of the accident, as I was trying to sleep I had all these images flashing in my mind, mostly of Jonny in the hospital, but some which are entirely figments of my imagination of the accident itself. It feels much of the time like a nightmare that I know I can't wake up from.

Wax work, that is just the right expression. I was shocked at how cold he was, so little time after his heart stopped beating. We went away while they cleared the tubes and machines away and by the time we got back he had a blueish tinge and was stone cold. I can't believe that was my brother. I still can't.

I also found a CD this week that my other brother had made. On the Weds before Jonny died (Friday), the nurses told that all being well they'd take him off the drugs and try to bring him round on the Thursday. They told us that sometimes familiar music can help, so they could provide a stereo for us if we wanted to bring some CDs. My other brother made a compilation of some of Jonny's favourite stuff. By the time it got to Thurs they were starting to realise that it wasn't going well, the horrible op happened and he went downhill from there. We never got a chance to play him the CD. Well I found it this week and plaed it very loud and screamed and cried in a crumpled and angry heap. I so want him to still be here, going to those gigs with his brother.

I feel very very for us all.

evansmummy . The CD must be heartbreaking. It is soooooo wrong that out little brothers were taken from us far too soon.
I was upset earlier when mum told me she'd put the volume up on his phone as he's still getting calls and texts. His ringtone is Eminem when im gone. My other brother said on the day Matt was killed about that song, we were outside one of Matt's friends house while our parents told them singing the chorus. I still sing it regularly try to take comfort from it as it is totally relevant unlike the rest of the song. I cant listen to aerosmith dont wanna miss a thing without crying as it was played at his funeral.

As everlong says they are still and always will be our brothers. I still introduce myself as Matt and Gaz's sister

Cyteen am in the surreal position of watching Peppa Pig with my DD and trying to hide the tears that are rolling down my face at your description of your reaction to your brother's death. As you know, my brother also died of cancer and that end is so dreadful - I can relate to what you say so clearly. I was there the night before my DB died - our brother and his wife and I held his hands and he was conscious enough to smile and talk to us and tell me he loved me when I left. Then when I arrived the next day he'd died half an hour before. For ages I was obsessed with whether his last breath had been in or out - isn't it ridiculous. Then when I finally plucked up the courage to ask my brother (who was there) he said he honestly couldn't remember. Isn't it strange how we need every detail, when every detail is so painful.

Will be thinking of you EM and SL on Sunday.

Also meant to say - I get that awful sickening lurch of realisation that my brother is dead too. For some reason it feels worse this year, now that it has been a year. I'm like you Cyteen - going about normal everyday things when suddenly I see him when he was ill, or remember a conversation I had before he died and I feel utterly and completely sick. It makes no sense.

Winetime I was where you are last month - I hope you get through. If you can, take a couple of days off work. I did, and it was the best thing I could have done. I think I'll save two days of leave for that week from now on. xx

It's strange as i feel like ive missed out on something with all of your experiences. You all saw your db's the day before their death were able to hold their hands. I hadnt saw my db for a few days (thursday or friday was last time) and he was fine. Then monday morning i get told he'd been in an accident and was dead

shelleylou, it must be really hard to cope with that shock. My oldest friend's 18 yr old sister died outright in a car accident nearly 6 years ago, and she said the sudden shock was so hard to bear. One minute they were all planning Christmas, the next one of them is dead. Very hard. But rest assured that it is also horrible to watch someone actually die. There's no easier way of losing someone. Jonny's best friend didn't see him in hospital, and she's very glad. She can remember the man filled with life and joy, rather than the one in a coma, dying.

I am having a horrible week. Strangely, so is my other brother, all the way in Toronto. We jsut can't snap out of it.

I think its just that i didnt get the chance to say good bye. DB would have died instantly. Still feel i should have been with him to hold his hand as he took his last breath. Cant get over the fact i woke up before the accident happend i had the time to get there. Due to the nature of one of his injuries my parents werent even asked about organ donation. I have no doubt that is horrible to watch them die. Still going to wish they were still here.

It still gets me that a lot of people wanted to go and see Matt at the mortuary but didnt go. Someone started a rumour that cos he was in an accident he was mashed up. There wasn't a single mark on his hands or face. I had to see him as much as i could only went when someone could have ds as i want him to remember Matt full of life and smiles. In a way i still watched the life go out of him. He changed so much in the 13 days.

Im hoping my other brother will sit with ds for a bit tonight want to go to a clairvoyant. Im really into things like that anyway.

I wish you and your brother the strength to get through this week.

I am neglectful of this thread and apologise- but I wanted to remember my little brother today on his anniversary - a very long time ago 15/11/71, but a day I will always remember. As I've said before,the loss is so long ago that it doesn't hurt but the loss of what might have been,or what/who my brother might have been is the hard thing - how much more enriched would my family be with him and possibly his own family. Anyway, here's to you Pugsley (his nickname !) wish you were here xxx