For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Oh sweetheart. In my experience this is what happens - nothing for ages, to the extent that I start to wonder if there's something wrong with me, then suddenly - wham. Out of the blue I'm crying and sobbing and reliving everything of last year.

How are your work being? Did anyone see you crying? I really hope they are being supportive - it's very very early days.

No-one in my office really said anything and carried on as normal. Management on the other hand are grea when they are there. I'm starting a new job in 4 weeks, hope I start to feel slightly better then.

Would you have preferred it if someone had said something? My workplace were exactly the same - everyone acted as if nothing had happened, and I found that hurtful, disconcerting and downright weird to be honest. But I realise some people might prefer nothing to be said. Your new job might be the best thing for you in terms of a new start.

It was the same at my work, too, MissM. As you know, it's one of the reasons I left. It's so hard in the early days to know what to do with yourself. There is no right or wrong, shoes, you honestly just have to go with it. Wishing you strength for the day xx

can't believe this, just tried to sort collecting his ashes and they have been scattered already in a memorial garden miles and miles away so I have nowhere to go and pay my respects no. Bloody social services.

Oh shoes, how annoying. How can they do that without informing a next of kin? Was anyone else from your family there when they did it? This sounds dreadful.

Had he visited your home before? Do you have a garden where you could plant something for him? Or even have a plant next to a photo of him in your home? Some people do that, or have fresh cut flowers beside a photo, something beautiful and natural. Or a candle? That might be a way of being able to pay your respects without having to go to the gardens.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know if they can do this without informing people, but, to be honest (even though my counseller says I am) I don't feel that I am coping very well, and, if I chase this up, it could the straw that broke the camels back as it were. At one point in between me finding out about him and having him cremated I was drinking 3 bottles of wine a night or having a few pints and some wine or maybe a bottle of vodka. But, I have stopped that completely as I knew I was going down the wrong path, I've only had two drink in nearly 3 week now and they were 1 pint of lager and a few days later, 1 glass of wine.

I do have a lovely photo of us both together on the mantelpiece, it's an old one but he is showing his lovely smile and dimples.

I've had a terrible problem with my drinking since Jonny died. It's the only way I feel close to ok . Numbs the pain. I have calmed it down a lot but at the beginning I was drinking during the day too.

Hang in there xx

I could bloody do with a drink now after finding out he won't be with his family. DH has also advised that he doesn't think I could cope with arguing over why he was scattered elsewhere and that whatever the outcome, I can't get him back to scatter him elsewhere.

Hey you know, your dh is right. It's the last thing you need to have to deal with. It's just a pain the arse that it has to happen that way. Can you have a special trip by yourself one day to the gardens?

Have a glass of wine. By my watch it's wine o'clock

It's amazing the similarities you bring up.
People not saying anything at work...the drinking too much. I remember having an exit interview for an old job I had and my biggest complaint was that my colleagues had behaved shamefully with regards to my brother's death. And they were supposed to be in a caring profession. The drinking goes on I'm afraid in my case. It doesn't interfere with work but my husband complains I don't go a day without wine. I know the reason why.

Love to all of you bereaved siblings.

Lovemyshoes I think it's terrible that your brother's ashes were scattered without your knowledge. They could at least have kept them for a certain amount of time if they couldn't find you immediately. But your DH is right. Can you create somewhere special where you can feel close to him?

I've never been a big drinker but definitely drink more now than I ever have. I have never smoked, but sometimes long for a cigarette. It's very strange.

Spent this weekend in London and went to a couple of my brother's old haunts. It felt like there was a giant hole walking beside me the whole day . It's my birthday this week, and last year I spent it with him - it was one of the last times he was able to walk .

Thank you all for taking the time to post to me.

I'm just devastated that he was scattered so far from his family. His ex wife is now in a bad mood with me as she has the job of telling his children etc. All the way through arranging this, not one person has offered one single penny (not the point), no one has offered help (except my best friends) and yet they still deem it suitable to argue and be off with me about things that are beyond my control, making me feel even worse.

I had all this shit with my dad bless him and now my db.

derxa, my dh is the same with me. He doesn't get it at all. I struggle through most of my week now without drinking, dying for Friday when I can crack open a bottle. Some days it's too much for me though. I like those days the best. About work, I guess death is so hard for everyone, and many don't know how to handle it. It's not an excuse for shameful behavious, but I've tried to forgive the people I felt let me down in that respect. They didn't set out to hurt me, I was just disappointed in them. Glad to find some kindred drinking spirits, at least I don't feel so much like an alcoholic .

MissM, I'll be thinking of you this week for your birthday. What day is it? He'll be in your heart, the closest we have now...

shoes, I think it really sucks that people close to you have the energy, and think it's ok, to have a got at you. Now of all times! Really short-sighted of them, and they deserve a kick up the backside. I'm glad you have friends looking after you though. They can be a god-send. No worries, for the replies, that's what we're here for xx

MissM, How was your birthday? I hope yo managed to celebrate, even if only a little xx

Hi guys, sorry I've not been in touch for a while. Every day has a memory now - it's ten days to go before the first anniversary of his death. My birthday was lovely thanks EM, DH especially made a real fuss of me, but tears were very close to the surface the whole weekend. I tried to give my mum a kiss at one point and she literally pushed me away and said 'Don't, I'll cry'. My SIL and I tried to talk about my brother and we both welled up so stopped.

I feel in some strange way that I'm re-living this time last year, but at one step removed somehow. How can a year have gone by already? It's impossible to make sense of. In the meantime some people seem to have completely wiped it from their memory (so-called 'friends' who I don't feel very friendly towards!)

I want to drink myself into a stupor and be with him. Compared to what is going on, it would be a relief.

Shoes, I am so there. Halfway anyway.

MissM, sorry to not be able to give you a coherent reply, but I am thinking of you a lot.

My mum emptied the garage loft of Jonny's things today. "I just feel they need sorting." They were spread around the kitchen all afternoon. I hated it. I opened a bottle of wine. I am drunk.

(I just accidentally posted this on another thread in Healthy Eating. I am soooooooo )

Thanks everlong. How're you?

I'm gonna watch It Takes Two and pretend only sequins exist...

Hope you got through the weekend guys. I'm into the last week. Have taken Wednesday off work and the following Monday (I work three days a week) just to give me some space to think about him, and last year, and how the hell this could have happened and just think which I never get a chance to do with two small children. I want to look at pictures, read the cards people wrote after he died, read his letter to me, Google him, remember things from when we were kids and bawl my eyes out.

Won't get drunk cos there lie demons, but I wonder how I get through?

Nice to hear from you everlong xx

Hey MissM, hope you're doing as well as can be expected. Do you and your family have anything planned? I think you're right to take some time off work and have some time alone to grieve and mark this first anniversary. I'll be thinking of you on Weds (it is wed isn't it?)

I can't believe a year has gone by since you came onto this thread. I still hate that feeling of time marching on. I wish it would stop.

After Friday nights debacle the weekend has been ok. Had a hangover for most of it . My parents went back to France today, and my other brother has now left for Canada, so it's just our little family here, for the first time in over a year. It feels weird, and a little bit lonely. I like having them all around me. I worry a lot about Chris being so far away and not knowing if he's safe. I have become so paranoid since Jonny's death.

I keep imagining he's gonna walk up the drive. The other day I though I saw him, and on Friday I distinctly felt him give me a hug over my shoulders when I was doing the washing up. Crazy...

Hey there EM. The anniversary is actually on Saturday. But today is my last chance to have some real time to myself to think about him and try to make sense of it (it's taken almost a year so far so not sure a day will be enough!) Thanks for the thoughts - they do help.

I can't believe it's a year either. How on earth does that happen?

I expect Jonny did give you a hug over your shoulder. I don't see my brother (except out of the corner of my eye, or from the back in a crowd), but I feel him so much. It's a beautiful day today so I'll go for a walk and hopefully feel him some more. xx

Hi everyone, sorry not to have been around for a while. I often read this thread but have not been feeling up to posting much lately.

Miss M - will be thinking about you today and on Saturday. It will also be a year since ny db died too, next month and I don't know how to mark it. It is hard to believe for me too that a year has nearly passed already.
The first anniversary coming up is upsetting me as it is making it somehow more real and also something that happened quite a while ago now and I still can't seem to accept it. It feels like the passing of time is a pressure to be getting over it and I'm not doing that. Does anyone know what I mean ?

I'm dreading my first christmas without him, even though we didn't meet up over christmas, we phoned each other all the time.

It's already been 2 months, time flies.