For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

MissM, how was your day? I hope you managed to get some time to do what you needed to do xx

Winteime, nice to see you again. I know exactly what you mean about the passage of time feeling like a pressure. But please don't let it get to you. You need to take as long as you need to take, iyswim. I'm nearly 18 months on and if anything it's getting harder for me. I don't say that to depress you, just to hopefully help you see that it's not a neat package, and people who tell you that don't know what they're talking about.

Shoes, so so so sorry for you. Christmas is a horrid time for us all. Last year we left messages for each other on here and it was good to have that support. You will get through it.

Hi everyone and good to see you Winetime. I feel that pressure too - a year sounds like such a long time, and it is in one sense, but it still feels so immediate. In a weird way I hate it being a year cos that means I can't say it's recent.

Today was actually a really lovely day. My dad came over and we went for a long walk along the canal ending up sitting outside a pub in the sunshine talking about my brother (but not too much, as we both kept welling up). It is so very hard for my parents in their different ways. My dad hates showing any kind of emotion or weakness but he was broken over my brother's death. It felt very special though and right to have a whole day with him (I can't remember the last time the two of us had so long just on our own).

I've felt like crying all evening but am keeping going. I will let go at some point soon though - it's building and building. We're all going to his grave on Saturday so perhaps it'll be then.

Christmas is horrible Shoes. Everyone was so supportive on here but the pain and emptiness are awful then. Bloody Christmas! Read my comments from last year - I wanted the whole thing to go far far away and couldn't face sending cards or giving presents so gave a big donation to charity instead! xxx to all of you.

MissM, I feel exactly the same about hating it being a year as it means it's not recent anymore. I feel as though I haven't even begun to deal with the loss and like evansmummy says, if anything I feel worse.
It is not the immediate terrible anguish { although that still sweeps over from time to time } but a deeper, darker feeling of sadness and loneliness. This is such a horrible journey we are all on.

I am so pleased that you and your dad had some nice moments today MissM. I hope that Saturday will be bearable for you all too.
My instinct is to go to where my db died on his anniversary and have a good cry but will also take my mum out to try and make it as easy a day as possible for her, like you did with your dad.

Love to all of you xxxx

MissM, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Wish I had something useful to say, but I'm afraid I don't. Feeling pretty incapable of anything atm. Sorry.

Winetime, I totally agree with that'deeper, darker' feeling. I am finding it harder and harder to crawl out some days.

Cyteen? How are you doing?

On Wednesday I told my dad that it was like some kind of black void inside me and around me - not all the time visible, but just lurking and suddenly it engulfs me if I let it. There is the hugest hole in this world where he used to be and it is completely irreprable (I think that spelling is right). Presumably there are numerous other holes all around me which are the missing brothers and sisters of you guys. and hugs to you all.

MissM, I can really relate to what you say in your message. That big black hole.

I'm thinking of you, and your family, today xx

I am still here, just don't feel I have much to give or to say at the moment. Life is mostly good (shock horror guilt guilt guilt) but I am very conscious of skirting around the emptiness where he was.

Continued best wishes to you all

The black void analogy is very apt MissM. And that it can suddenly engulf you.

Hope you were able to get through Saturday.xx

I know what you mean, cyteen, about not feeling you have much to give or say at the moment as I'm feeling like that too. Just feel very flat and down.

I have to attend the probate hearing for my db, next week, as he left me as his executor and that is going to be hard. I am clinging on to the remaining practical things that need sorting as I think that doing the things that he entrusted to me helps me to assuage the guilt of not being able to save him. Once all that is done I fear I will just be left with the guilt

I posted here just now and it didn't work which is very annoying.

What I said was something like, hey Winetime, hey EM, hey Cyteen that was (why have you changed your lovely name?) Weekend was ok, better than the anticipation, but that's not to say that it hasn't been a shitty old week. Mostly my thoughts are along the lines of WHY THE FUCK???? (Sorry, red wine has been consumed this evening). Also don't feel like I have much to contribute right now.

Winetime I feel for you so much. With all that you have to do on top of grieving it must be so tough. Try not to be too hard on yourself - from what you've said before no-one could have saved your brother. Hugs xx

Don't worry MissM, it's just a Halloween name Hope you're relaxing in the comforting arms of red wine right now (a place I know all too well).

Winetime, if it's any consolation, IME the guilt does fade over time. Eventually.

just been directed here from a poster on my thread. I must admit i have read all of this prospect of that is ver daunting due to length so will be page or so at a time

that should be i havent read it. had a bit of a skim. Can anyone give me any idea of how long it will take til reality of it kicks in. My brother was killed on monday aged 22. RIP

Oh Shelleylou, so sorry to hear about your brother. You must be going through hell at the minute.

I'm glad that you have found this thread. We have all sadly been where you are now and will do our best to help you through this as much as we can. When my brother died. last year, I found great comfort in posting on this thread and talking to other people going through the same thing and hopefully you will too.

I have to say that nearly a year on, my db's death still doesn't seem real and I don't think that I have accepted it. He died suddenly and unexpectedly { he took his own life } and I think it may be harder to accept as there has been no time to prepare and the initial shock is so intense. So I can't really answer your question, about when reality kicks in, because for me it still hasn't.

xxxx

I am cant think ahead at all. Its still all so surreal even after seeing him and laying flowers at the scene, never reallly understood that till my brother was killed/

am so so sorry to hear that your brother has died so tragically shelleylou- thinking of you xxx

thanks mary, days are goin by so quickly is this normal?

I'm not sure shelleylou- I'd imagine you would be in a total blur at the moment - my brother died a very long time ago and it's very hard to remember how it felt then, whether time went by quickly or not - I mean I'll never forget that day,but the days afterwards are very fuzzy.

Hey shelley. Sorry to see you on here, but you're welcome to come and join us. It's a bugger of a journey. We're going through it together as much as we can do.

Haven't read all your thread, just skimmed it a bit. My brother was killed in a hit and run accident last year. I guess in that way I can kind of know some of what you're feeling, though it's different for everyone. The shock and rawness of it are overwhelming at the beginning, I promise they will fade. But I can't promise anything else. We're all of us on here testament to the fact that it takes a long time. Be gentle with yourself and just do whatever you feel you need to do at any given moment.

You've got so much to go through with the investigation, any court proceedings and an eventual inquest. My little brother died in May 2009, his inquest will not be until December of this year. It's a slow slow process, but for me that's had its advantages too.

Please please if you want to message me, feel free jpclgerard at hotmail dot com.

Stick around if you can, and rant as much as you need.

im trying to concentrate that he wouldnt have felt any pain but i cant still feel so numb doesnt feel real just want someone to wake me up and tell me its a nightmare and my bro come walking in. I've been talking to a mate that lost his brother suddenly last year and thats helped a bit hes still missing him and i know he will and i will always miss my brother.
Thats a long time to wait for an inquest sorry to hear about your db.

im dreading tomorrow dp has to go back towork so hes not long left me. My neighbour has said i can go round hers if i want to and i got 2 mutual friends of mine and my bros coming to see us at some points so prob spend most of the day at my parents.

Shellylou

I am so sorry for your loss, my sister died in 2007 after she fell out of her third floor flat window and hit her head, she was in hospital for 6 weeks before she died, we didnt know if she would pull through or not, in the end she didn't and died on February 1st 2007 2 days before my birthday.

I think through the funeral and inquest which took about 6 months in total I did stay numb, it helped me get through it although obviously I did have bouts of hysterical crying in between. Once the inquest was done that is when I really let go although that was very difficult as I had my mum curled up on my sofa nearly every day, she had to be close to me in case anything happened to me.

My DH was an incredible strength to me and would just hold me when I broke down and I also had to keep going with my three kids. The period that she was in hospital was from December 23rd to February 1st so was incredibly hard with Christmas and her birthday so was horrible.

I posted on here every night and the ladies were incredible and helped me through it, I cant sress how important it was to me at the time.

You will get through this some how, its horiffic but it does get better, (Yeah, yeah, thats what everyone says I know).

I am two years down the line now and still cant quite belive it happened, her daughter is 17 now and we are living with it although we still do grieve for her it is just easier to remember the good times without bursting into tears.

You have a horrible journey to go through but you will get through it.

Love Toady

Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

Its hard not knowing whats going on with it all, so many people were touched by my brother have told me they saw him a few days/ a week before it happened and cant believe. Many have commented on his smile which is lovely. Still all seams surreal.

Evansmummy - I would love to be involved in a losing a brother or sister support thread despite having posted not ten minutes ago that I was leaving Mumsnet for a month. Can I change my mind please? [hmmm]

oneofapair, of course, everyone is welcome here. Can I ask why you were leaving MN?

shelleylou, it'll all be a big blur for you atm. I lost huge great chunks of time, was off work for 10 weeks and I honestly can't tell you much about the first 6 months, except I drank and smoked a lot

It's great you have the support ane memories of his friends. We found that really helpful too. My other brother set up a facebook page for Jonny and invited people to post memories and photos of him. it was an amazing tribute to my brother, gave people an opportunity to express something about him, and for us to fill in the gaps (he'd been away in Leeds at uni for 4 years). I still look at it often, but it does still make me cry.

I know what you mean about hoping there was no pain. I'm the same. Jonny hit his head twice, once on the windscreen and once on the road, and he was out after that. He didn't die straight away (5 days later), but he was in a coma the whole time, so I really hope he didn't feel anything, and that he didn't have time to be scared. I think that's what worried me the most.

Keep posting.

Well, I did the final exams of my French OU module yesterday, and while it's great to have ti done and out of the way, I took this course on as part of my grieving, and now it's gone I feel very empty. Back how I did last September. I was close to tears the whole way home from the exams on the train, and went to the gardens to 'see' Jon today and just couldn't stop crying. I'm looking forward to a drink tonight.

Cyteen, pleased to hear you're well and happy. Long may it last? Did you abandon the counselling?

MissM, hope you're feeling ok. I just don't know what to say to you, but I am thinking about you, and wish I could make you ok. Hope you don't think I'm being weird!

Winetime, it's redally nice to hear from you too. Don't worry about not posting (you too, cyteen). You just do if and when...

Man, I'm going on and on. Sorry. Thinking of you all a lot xx

I was going to leave Mumsnet because .... I don't know really! I don't like to keep taking without giving something back and the few threads I did read, although some were really sad, didn't strike the "Oh my goodness that just how I felt" chord. I guess I found myself feeling a bit of the odd one out what with being male and losing a twin and not being married (yet). They say that nothing can compare with losing a husband or wife (is compare the right word here?) but if it worse that losing a twin in your 30's I never, never want to go there.

his cause of death would have ment there would have been little or no pain. he would have died almost instantly. My brother and I are going to say something at the funeral