For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

thank you evansmummy - I do have happy memories of him which is good. I feel bad for not checking in on you all more frequently - sometimes I feel I can't write appropriate responses so would rather wait until I'm inspired to express myself properly.

MAS, I missed your message yesterday, but sending many thoughts your way. xx

thank you

To all of you who have lost a brother or sister I wish you much love. Naturally the grief of the parents takes precedence over that of siblings and people tend to dismiss your feelings a bit. I lost my bother 15 years ago when he died after an accident. He was knocked down when coming out of a big event. Noone ever explained why the car could be travelling fast enough to put him into a coma. Unfortunately my brother and I were not as good friends at that point as we had been as teenagers. We did adore each other and I still miss him terribly. My parents loved him more than me (there's no point in denying this) but suddenly I had to be the devoted daughter and support them.I have two lovely sons but my mother declared at her ruby wedding dinner that she had nothing to celebrate. 'Friends' could not bear my grief and dropped me or were downright damaging. I'm very glad you started this thread. Good luck to everyone x

Hello derxa. Just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about your brother - I expect Evansmummy will be able to relate as she lost her brother recently in a similar terrible way. Thank you for coming to join us and welcome. xx

am so sorry to derxa and welcome xx

Hi derxa. So sorry to hear about your brother, and as always welcome though I wish you didn't need to be here.

My brother Jonny died just over 15 months ago following a hit and run accident that also left him in a coma. He died five days later in hospital. This means that I can relate to some of your feelings, though everyone's grief is so personal, at times we still feel lonely. Was anyone caught after your brother's accident? How old was he? It really is horrible the shock of a death like this, one moment they're there with plans and a life ahead of them and suddenly in an instant it's all gone. Then there's the apportioning of blame, the driver, your brother, yourself. At least there was that for me. Then the injuries, and the hospital,and the hopes of a recovery being dashed. Then eventually a court case or inquest... Any death early in life is unjust, though, and I think we've all felt that here.

I'm also sorry that your relationship with your parents isn't so good. We managed to rally round one another fairly well after Jon died, but we are dispersing now - folks moved to france last year, and my other brother is going to Canada in a week (eek). I can only imagine that that is for you like another loss, a grief upon a grief, if you like, and again I'm sorry.

I'm not the most eloquent of people (where's cyteen??? ) but I want to invite you to say anything you need to say on here. It's been a safe palce for us all over the past year or so, and though we're not always prolific messagers, you will always get an answer, perhaps just not immediate. Hope to hear from you again.

My other brother is going away to Canada tomorrow. We finally got the plaque on Jonny's spot in the gardens. I'm depressed. Really.

This week has been hard, hard work. Culminating in me almost bolting from a yoga class last night in tears (luckily it was bikram so no one noticed the tears amid all the sweat).

I have to ring Cruse and get them to reassign me a counsellor, as I have come to the conclusion that the current guy is a complete twat.

I actually ache for my brother's company. All the words I can't say to anyone else are weighing me down.

cyteen, I feel for you. Sorry the cruse counsellor is so rubbish, last thing you need to have to chase that around. I hope you find someone better. You sound like you need to get some stuff off your chest.

Keep on hanging in there. Can you get some of your words out here?

This was such a good idea, I came back from a crappy holiday on the 14th Aug and on the 15th Aug got a phone call telling me my brother had died he was 44,the postmortem revealed it was a anerisum on his brain.The last few weeks have been so hard celebrating my daughters 4th birthday,his son's 21st,my last childs first day of school,he'd always phone to wish them well then later to ask how the day went.
I've gone back to work which has helped but i miss him so much,it's so hard trying to come to terms with the fact i'll never see or hear him again and that in time he'll only be a memory for our children through our stories,i hate the fact that i wake up and for a few moments all seems normal and then i realise he's no longer here.
The gap that he has left hurts so much and the pain is so horrible.

bruces huge sympathies to you xxxxx

Evansmummy
My brother was 32 when he died and it was a long while ago (15 years) However I still think of him every day. It's a matter of acceptance now and supporting my dad. he has had a lot to endure because my mother died 6 years later. I do believe there is such a thing as dying of a broken heart.
The only positive thing is that I can relate to people I meet who have suffered harsh bereavements. I work with someone who was widowed very young and she knows I understand.
Love to all xxxx

Hello and 'welcome' bruces. Not a place any of us would like to be but you'll have our utmost support and understanding. What a terrible thing to happen to you and so hard that you just have to keep on keeping on. I wish I could help ease the pain but if you read through this long thread you'll find that other people know how that pain feels, which helps somehow.

EM and Cyteen I'm so sorry you're both so low. I would have checked earlier this weekend but there'd been no activity for ages so I didn't. I'm sorry I wasn't around when you both needed someone to be. How are you today EM? Are you able to tell us about the plaque? I'm so glad for you that it's up at last.

Cyteen I'm really sorry your Cruse guy is rubbish but well done for demanding something better. Can you write any of your words down, either here or elsewhere? It's so dreadful isn't it - it's so impossible to put the sheer awfulness into words, even though the feelings are so very strong and real.

We're into the last month before the anniversary of my brother's death. Every day practically has some kind of association. It's my birthday in two weeks time - this time last year I spent it with him and it was virtually the last time he could still walk, even with sticks. A week later he was in a wheelchair and two weeks after that he died. He said to me on my birthday 'I can't believe I'm not going to live to see another winter', and I had absolutely and utterly no response to make.

Bruces, my heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for you and your brother's families. It's such early days for most of us on here, and i remember the first few months, the pain is dreadful. Some days you wonder how you manage to bear it at all. Please feel free to post anything and whenever, someone will always reply at some point. Be kind to yourself at the moment, do whatever you need to do to get through the day. Cry as much as you can. And talk to someone about how you feel, if possible. I don't necessarily mean a counsellor, but anyone; your partner, a friend or even MN.

derxa, I think even when the bereavement is 'old' it still affects us. MAS who is on here sometimes lost her brother in childhood and still comes on here to remember special dates. I guess it changes us forever, I know it has me, and not really for the better at the moment. But I think you're right, it gives a whole new, horrible and unwanted insight into bereavement, particularly when it's sudden and shocking. I think that's why we started this thread really, a group of people who understand what each other is going through, it can sometimes help.

MissM, the dreaded first anniversary... I felt the sane, remembering exactly what happened each day as the day of his death approached. I was thinking about you on the way back from school today, and what I hate most about these dates is the feeling that time marches inexorably on and I'm stuck. It's like those ads or music videos where one person is still while every one else moves around the speeded up. I wish time would stop, or rewind. I would do things differently. I should have made him some home that weekend instead of staying in Leeds. Can't eblieve I still think that after all this time, but there you go. There are still so many if onlys.

Cyteen, I cried in the street today too, and though of you. It was MissM's fault . Too much thinking about anniversaries and time and stuff. That's so rubbish about Cruse, but you do need to feel comfortable about who you're speaking with. I really hope you find someone better, mine was so good and so helpful, so it pains me to hear of people who don't get a good one. I've been getting that ache again too. I though things would get better with time, but they actually haven't. Not yet anyway. Keep posting.

I'm thinking of you all xx

That's so true EM, like time goes on while you stand still. I'm wondering how on earth it can even be a year - how can a year possibly have passed? In a warped sort of way I don't want a year to have passed because then I don't feel I can say (or think) 'my brother died recently'. But in my head it is recently, it's no time at all! And on the other hand it happened in another life, when I was someone else. I guess that's all bound up in it too - I ache for him, and i ache for the life that was. It seems so innocent and naive somehow.

Is it ok if I join you all?

I lost my brother a month ago, (it was 8 days before the police found me to tell me) and, I am still devastated. We were very close.

His funeral was on the 10th September (exactly a month after he was found)

of course you may - am so sorry

Lovemyshoes, I'm so sorry about your brother. How devastating for you. You are very welcome here to (virtually) cry or scream or laugh, and to tell us everything or nothing. We've been going through it too, and so can try and understand some of how you feel, if and when you want to share it.

In the early days you just need to be kind to yourself, do whatever feels right at any moment. I am afraid you will always feel devastated but people say the pain becomes less sharp with time. A month is so short a time, allow yourself plenty of time to process it all. You poor thing.

I'm so glad to hear you and your brother were close, do you have some happy or special memories you can share with us?

Thank you for the welcome.

We didn't see each other much, in fact the last I saw him was december 2007, but, we talked all the time.

We didn't speak for about 5 years, but, when we did start talking again we were exceptionally close from the start. His fiance said he never mentioned his other sisters but talked about me all the time.

He would have been 48 next year.

He was funny, handsome (6ft 2, dark hair, dark eyes, tanned looking and dimples that made women swoon), he had a temper (though not with me), loved his music, sport, beer and beating me up (play fighting) and was fiercly protective over me.

I can remember when I was about 10 I was being constantly bullied by this boy who was 13, my brother saw him hitting me once and picked him up by his ankles and kept swinging him into a garage door until the lad promised not to touch me again.

he sounds lovely

He was.

He was what I call a 'loveable rogue'.

Glad you came to join us Lovemyshoes and welcome. It's a place none of us want to be but there's a lot of support here. It's a long thread but have a read if you can - it helps me immensely to go back and read it at times when I feel absolute despair.

I've just made a twat of myself, just had a meltdown at work and go off for a cry.

Not cried for ages, don't know why today is different, I just can't stop picturing his face and it is tearing me apart.

lovemyshoes. Thanks for sharing your memories, it's a privelege to get a picture of each others siblings (though I think we're mostly brothers here, sadly). He sounds like fun, and I'm glad you managed to get close again after a period 'apart' as it were.

Is your work being supportive? Don't feel like a twat for crying, it's the best thing you can do. Better out than in, as they say .