Can't bear the thought of dad not seeing ds grow up

[rachels103]

I'm new to mumsnet, but really need somewhere to talk about my lovely dad who died in May. I hope that's ok.
He and my ds, who is nearly 3 had a really special bond - my ds adored his 'granden' and it seems to be getting harder, not easier, to think about him growing up without him, especially as I know that in a few years he probably won't remember him at all.
To make it worse, my FIL is not a very child friendly person, and it makes me really angry when he more or less ignores ds when they visit (only every couple of months anyway, where my dad looked after him once a week). I know it's not fair to expect FIL to make up for the absence of dad but it just makes me so so sad. Their visit has really dropped me into a hole when I thought I was coping quite well.
I want to start a memory book for ds but don't seem to be able to bring myself to start.

rachels happy birthday to your dad, hope today was okay for you.

sorry just realised today is now actually tomorow.

i hope you managed to get through today without breaking down to many times rachel...your probably exhausted !

thelady, iv just read you post and it made me cry.

Dooky,
I am sorry I made you cry!!! I intended to just say it does get easier and that the children cope but i just kept on typing.

Hi everyone. Nice to see (although sad) others have come on into this thread. It's such a help to share all our experiences, I think.....

I cried when I watched the three lovely old WW1 veterans on tv this morning, carrying their poppy wreaths. I cried because they are such brave individuals but also because it brings back those awful days when I lost my lovely Dad.

He died three years ago tomorrow - 12 November. A day that I will never forget. If I could bring him back now, I would .. I would walk to the ends of the earth to bring him home again. I can't believe its 3yrs since I last saw him - the last time I saw him was 3yrs ago TODAY. I saw him the day before he died. It was a bitterly cold day, like today - even the weather reminds me...weird how certain things bring back the memories.

I do hope you're ok rachels....and everyone else too. xxxxx

whispy - will be thinking of you tomorrow xx
Thanks for all kind msgs - haven't got time to write properly now...am meant to be getting ready for parent's eve tomorrow, but will at some point soon.
Take care all.

Thanks rachels. Very sad day but got to get thru it. DH has been lovely. He knows how much I miss my Dad and today, being the day he died, is especially hard but tomorrow is a new day and that's what I'm striving towards. xxx

Hope everyone else is ok. xx

Dear All,

I know exactly how you feel as my lovely Dad died when my DS1 was just under 2 and a month after DS2 was born. I feel they really missed out on knowing him. But yesterday I went to parents evening where DS1's teacher told me how he had been telling the class how his grandad who was an aircraft engineer built planes in WW2 in their Rememberance Day discussion. He knew what type of planes and also that he had been in the home gaurd defending their aircraft factory which was bombed every night. I was so pleased to know that he had remebered and was pround of my Dad even though he doesnt remeber him.

Hi elastamum...how lovely you must've been so proud of him. My DD1 often talks about her Grandad. She remembers him for being funny. She was 7 when he died. She was quite close to him and he absolutely adored her. DD2 was only 18mths old so doesn't remember him but she waves to Grandad's star in the sky most nights. She is almost 5 now and we often tell her about him and she looks at his photos. I often forget about other people and how much they must miss my Dad too - DH for example. He looked upon him as his Dad too and Dad would often refer to him as his son, even though he had a son of his own but DH was far closer to my Dad than my brother.

Anyway life goes on I guess except for today, atleast, I'm going to remember him and enjoy all those happy memories I accrued over almost 40yrs.

Hi whispywhisp, i hope you managed to have a day of happy memories and not to many tears. x

Thank you Dooky....xxx

Yes, I've had a few tears - I've tried to smile and remember the good times but I don't think its possible to do that on the day Dad died. I've found it too difficult today. Perhaps tomorrow all the good memories will come flooding back.

Dear Whispywhisp, just to say I was thinking of you today and hope you have got through it okay. It is hard to feel positive when you are hurting but I hope the good memories are still there too. x

Rachel 103 and minniethemoocher, I'm very sorry for both your sad losses. My dad died of lung cancer(non smoker, bolt from the blue etc) at 57, it was awful. I was then pregnant(4th) and had just been diagnosed with work related stress ..I'm not close to most my family/FIL.. It has now been a year, it gets easier slowly but there are still bad days. I look at my daughter and see how much he would have loved her, he was the only grandparent who was really focussed on them. It helps that I am a person of faith and although he was not, I still believe he is in a better place. There have been times when my stepmum and I have separately been convinced he is with us- and I was a sceptic(my religion doesn't accept ghosts). Whether real or not, it was hugely comforting. I also got comfort from "Anybody out there?" by Marian Keyes and "I'm a believer" by Jessica Adams, and I bought myself a sympathy card and carried it like a comfort blanket for a while.. My heart goes out to you both and I wish you the best, it is a long and tiring journey.

and whisywisp too, I meant to put you in there, I am so sorry you have had a remembrance day with such added significance; you will find comfort in some unexpected places, I expect: I know I did. I hope you do too. Some of my best friends/ my line manager couldn't speak to me after it happened but a woman I hardly knew from the school playground was an absolute rock one day when i went all wobbly in the supermarket.There are people who know how it feels but only you will know what helps you to come to terms with it. I'm thinking of you too x

I know how you all feel, i lost my mum, dad and son. Iv now got a toddler (who now has to deal with an 'over clingy' mother ). But its hard not to keep wondering about the 'what ifs' and the 'if onlys'.....

Hi & thank you so much for your posts. They are all a comfort.

Today is a new day. I'm always glad to see the back of the 12 Nov. My sister rang me last night to see if I was ok, which was lovely. I texted her during the day and put 'a day to remember our lovely Dad'. She's been a great support to me and, I hope, vice versa. I know wherever Dad is he's a lot happier there...he was in a lot of pain following the car crash with the drunk so atleast he's not in pain now. I miss him as much now as I did when he died. That will never cease. I try to be brave. I try to smile. I have some great friends and, of course, I have a fantastic, loving and hugely supportive DH and two beautiful children - and it is in them that I see my Dad and my Dad lives with me through my children and I am extremely grateful to have that too.

I hope everyone else is ok and thank you so much for all your kind words and support expressed towards me yesterday. I am and always will be extremely grateful. xxxx

Whispywhisp was thinking of you yesterday. Glad you have come through the other side. You are right your Dad lives on in your DC.

My DC have mannerisms and expressions of their grandparents who are decceased, it is uncanny sometimes. They have never met 2 of their grandparents and DD especially does an expression just like my MIL who died whilst I was pregnant. It can be quite disconcerting.

Hiya charleymouse....It's weird you say that actually because DD2 can catch me out sometimes and either say something or act in a certain way and both DH and I will say 'that's just like Grandad' - yet she was only 18mths old when she died. Whereas DD1, being that bit older (almost 10 now) doesn't seem to be like him at all although she's the one with all the memories and I've told her to keep hold of them forever. xx

Hi whisywisp, I think you are really brave, I came back to see how you were doing. My 5 year old speaks about my dad a lot and cries, I hope she will remember him, but for the happy times too, I think charleymouse is spot on about how our loved ones who have gone live on in the next generation. I find huge comfort that when I am gone there will be people with all my annoying habits and wiffly hair just as I see my gran in me and my dad in my son!Take care x

Hello, how is everyone?
I had a little rant here
Missing my dad so much just now, he seems to be on my mind all the time.
Thought of a couple of people I need to write to as I don't want to put it in a Xmas card.
Hope all are okay.

Hi all, just checking in. Hope you're feeling better cath...it goes in phases doesn't it?
It was ds's birthday on Saturday which was quite upsetting but more in a bittersweet kind of way...a bit less raw maybe than it would have been a couple of months ago. I just wish dad could have been there and seeing a present with just my mum's name on was unspeakably sad.
It was a doubly emotional day as we chose it as the time when all the family was together to tell them I'm expecting again. Mum is so happy, and very philosophical. The baby is due shortly after the first anniversary of dad's death and she made some kind of comment about new life replacing old to dh. I'm finding it hard to think about it quite as positively. It happened much more quickly than expected and I don't feel emotionally prepared at all even though dh and everyone else is really excited. Feeling crap. Sorry. Going for a bath now. This is the first time I've admitted out loud that I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

Congratulations Rachels,

Today I bought a hyacinth bulb to put in one of those hyacinth vases (OK rather late to do this!) and chose a white flowered bulb as my father would have done this. My two children should enjoy watching the bulb grow (fingers crossed it will do so!) and the colour will remind us all of my father (who passed away 4 yrs ago before my second child was born).

What I am trying to convey - try to find some positive or fun things to do which your parents would have enjoyed.

You learn to live with the loss and it is OK to have emotional outbursts over the simple things in life.

Rachel - I find my eldest child tells my youngest what my father was like so she feels as if she knew him. Hope this helps. You can pass on happy stories about your parents to your children.

On a lighter note, I say Grandpa is happy in heaven, eating cake and jelly!

Christmas is coming so thinking of you all as this can be such an emotional rollercoaster of a time without your parents.

Aww, Congratulations Rachel, that is lovely news for you. How are you feeling now? It is always nerve wracking bringing a new life into the world but it will give you something really positive to focus on. Your mum is bound to be pleased to have a new baby coming into the family. And I'm sure your dad would be very very pleased for you. x

Hi all.... xx