Can't bear the thought of dad not seeing ds grow up

[rachels103]

I'm new to mumsnet, but really need somewhere to talk about my lovely dad who died in May. I hope that's ok.
He and my ds, who is nearly 3 had a really special bond - my ds adored his 'granden' and it seems to be getting harder, not easier, to think about him growing up without him, especially as I know that in a few years he probably won't remember him at all.
To make it worse, my FIL is not a very child friendly person, and it makes me really angry when he more or less ignores ds when they visit (only every couple of months anyway, where my dad looked after him once a week). I know it's not fair to expect FIL to make up for the absence of dad but it just makes me so so sad. Their visit has really dropped me into a hole when I thought I was coping quite well.
I want to start a memory book for ds but don't seem to be able to bring myself to start.

cathcat...is there any way you can get a break from your dc for a few hours? Either to do something that you enjoy, or just to sit in the house and not have to think about what they are doing or worry about putting a brave face on.
I know just how you feel cos I was the same too - you feel like you've got to keep going for everyone else but you just want to shut yourself away or scream or whatever.

Walking helped me...just to get some tension out. I would disappear for half an hour when dh got home on the premise of going to the shop for something pointless and just stomp around.

It will get better. You will start to see pleasure in things again and find the energy to go on. Just not today.

whispy...I feel sad today ds is going through a lovely chatty phase and sat telling me all sorts of nonsense at the dinner table. Wish dad could hear him. He'd have been chuckling. How about you?

Hi Rachels. I'm ok, thanks.

You're right with what you've written to cath in your post...I think whenever someone goes through the huge grief of losing someone you have to make time for yourself...even if it means just sitting in the garden, local park, even another room separate from the kids. I love walking too...just to clear my head occasionally..it does wonders.

When my Dad died DD2 was only 18mths. She doesn't remember him (she's almost 5 now) but she often talks about him and we often look at his picture on the wall. She knows he's the 'Grandad with the flowers'...ie the flowers on his grave. I think its important to talk to our kids about our parents. I know my Dad would love to see my kids now but I'm sure he is 'up there' looking down.

I try my hardest not to cry, get upset, show that I miss him so much but sometimes its hard not to let it out. I often think that it shows how much someone is loved when they talk about them, even after the 3yrs my Dad has been gone....to not shed tears would not be normal. It's tears of love, imo. xxx

I definitely agree that walking is a great help, oy just clears your mind.

Sometimes I think that you just need to give into grief and have a "duvet" day.

I now talk about my Dad a lot, it is the only way that I can keep him alive, if I talk about him, at can almost be as if he is still with us....

I just hate it sometimes when I want to talk about my Dad and other people just give me a deaf ear, my MIL in particular never lets me talk about him, but she is an evil old bat anyway!

My Dad will always be my Dad and he will always be with me in my heart.

minnie...completely agree with the last sentence of your post...'my Dad will always be my Dad and will always be with me in my heart'...same here. I always talk about my Dad in the present tense too...for example 'it's his birthday on'...rather than 'it would've been...' I don't know if that's the right or wrong thing to do but it helps me to talk about him like that.

I'm going over to tend his grave this morning. I must admit I dread it. I walk up to his grave and always look at his headstone....still not believing his name is inscribed on it. I'll never get my head round seeing his name, my maiden name, on it. Then I look at the date he died....and can't believe its so long ago. Where have those years gone? Sometimes it feels like he died years ago, other times it feels like yesterday. Really weird.

I just tidy up his flowers, make sure his grave is clean and then put my hand on his headstone..tell him how much I love him, miss him and walk away...normally crying. I then glance back before I leave the cemetary and say goodbye and see you soon.

I'm blubbing as I'm typing this. It doesn't take much for me to blub! Not good just as I'm about to go out the door and take the kids to school...Mummy with red puffy eyes!

Anyway I hope you're all ok....

cath - you ok? Hope you have a better day today? Minnie, Rachels, Queen, Daphne...you all ok? xxxxx

Whispy...hope you were ok this morning.

We don't have a headstone for dad at my mum's insistence - she has gone on for as long as I can remember about not wanting people to cry over a grave (for her as well) hence the tree, which is lovely and felt absolutely right as soon as we got the idea.

It's really positive and about life - my dad loved Wales and his birds (some of the donations in lieu of flowers were given to the RSPB too). It's just a shame it's so far away (nearly 4 hours drive) so we can't go there often. It would be nice just to go somewhere to feel close to him and think about him, although he's there all the time in our heads and hearts, in his garden and his shed (which we haven't touched yet).

www.eternalforest.org/ is the website for the charity if ur interested, as you mentioned your dad loved birds too.

How ru feeling cath?

hello all and thanks for your posts about struggling with the early days.
I feel I had a better day today, got some housework done (DH helped, not often that happens). A friend took the DCs in the afternoon so I got a break. I did some gardening which was something my dad enjoyed so it felt a positive thing to do.
Had a wobble on the phone to someone who said how proud my dad would be of my sister and me just now and I suddenly couldn't speak and had to put the phone down.
We are going to the hospice on Friday to hand in a cheque (collection at the church service)so I am worried about the emotions I will feel being back in the place where he died. However I feel so grateful that he had a room there with very kind staff and they were all great with us, so am glad that we are able to support them with this donation.

My Dad died last year, and I planted all his favourite flowers in the garden, he loved gardening and although I am not much of a gardener myself, I did it as a tribute to him and it was lovely to watch them grow and flower, all traditional plants like pansies, marigolds, primulas, that sort of thing.

I think that the tree is just a wonderful idea, to have something living and growing.

Glad that you had a better day Cathcat.

Rachel, Queen, Daphne, Whispy - I hope that you are all doing OK.

Hi all...lovely to see we've all popped in and posted!

I'm ok thanks. Went over to see Mum yesterday and to visit Dad's grave (which I did on my own)...yes I cried, again. I hope one day to go and not get tearful, one day.

When Dad died we did gave two charities for collections - British Heart Foundation and the Cats Protection League. I didn't donate to either but instead I help out voluntarily with the CPL helping run the lost/found register. I thought atleast that way I can continue to help for as long as they need me/for as long as I want.

With the way the weather has changed recently - getting colder - its bringing the realisation nearer that I'm getting closer to the time of year that Dad passed away. I say this because the very last time I saw him, the day before he died, he stood shivering in his thin shirt and cardigan waving me off down the road....I shouted back at him to go and get a coat on but being the lovely stubborn man he was I knew he wouldn't. He gave me a hug that afternoon - my Dad never hugged people...you might get a slap on the shoulder or he'd twiddle the kid's hair but never a hug. I do wonder if he knew he didn't have long...

Anyway yes its a sunny clear day here today. I'm off to walk the dog and go and do a week's grocery shop...not that we need much cos we've all been poorly in this house (tum bugs) so hopefully the dog will benefit and get a good walk! Tomorrow I must concentrate on finding a job - DD2 went full-time to school this week and I'm already feeling guilty that I should find something to do, I know the bank manager would be grateful!

TTFN xxxx

Any joy with the job hunting whispy? It must feel strange but maybe quite nice to have the house to yourself. Think I might try to put it off for a while if I were you! Sadly, I work full time (dh is the main child carer term time...I'm a teacher so the hols make it bearable)How is your DD settling in at school?

Saw a book in the book people stack at work today and the thought just popped into my head "dad might like that for Christmas" before I caught myself. Isn't it weird?

Got the in-laws coming on Monday. Hope FIL is in a better mood than last time I saw him, and actually manages to talk to ds. Can see myself saying something if he's as miserable as last time.

Hope everyone's ok. How was the hospice visit cathcat? Hopefully quite comforting to be able to help those that helped your dad so much.

Off to bed I think. Been trying to do my planning so rest of wkend is free, but am v. easily distracted

Hi
The hospice visit was fine. I did feel weird walking past the room that was my dad's and where he died. We handed over the cheque and had a coffee with one of the nurses and one of the doctors who helped my dad. It was for £1000 so we are glad that it will go towards 'patient comfort', anything that helps people in this terrible situation. ( We have another cheque for just over another £1000 for a local homeless charity).
My sister is struggling with the fact that a lot of our friends made the effort to come to the funeral but haven't been in touch since. I was a bit more prepared for this (lost a friend last year) as I think it is human nature. But it really makes you realise how special some friends are, and not always the ones you expect. Just wondered what other peoples experience of this was?

cath....you've hit quite a raw subject...friends and 'those' friends....iykwim!

When we had Dad's funeral the church was absolutely packed....its a big church but there were loads of people stood at the back because it was full. The Vicar even said to my Mum he'd never known so many people in the church at one time. My Dad was a very likeable popular man having had a shop in the town for many years and he continued working and helping people right up to when he died.

Anyway....when the service was over we had this lovely wake at the local hotel...a beautiful spread was laid and drinks paid for at the bar. About a quarter of those in the church came back to the wake...I couldn't work out why so few didn't come back considering the fact most of those who attended the service were retired folk and lived locally.

Has my Mum seen any of those who went to the funeral since? Nope. She has seen a hand full and has made great friends with a few but the majority of those who came and saw Dad's coffin, saw us all in floods of tears..have never been to see Mum since. OK so they wanted to come and pay their last respects to someone they liked but it would also have been nice if they'd kept in touch with his Wife and family afterwards.

I went into Dad's bedroom during the week....my parents had separate rooms because he snored!....I still sat there on the end of his bed (now the spare bed) looking around at his room, his computer (which he bought just before he died and never did get around to using it much), his books and his alarm clock that used to go off and wake the house up.

Anyway cath...yes its not nice that some don't keep in touch after the funeral...but it is human nature. I think some just don't know how to keep in touch, some think its best to stay away..in the end I rang a couple of those that were good friends to my Mum (especially Mum) and asked that they got in touch with her because I knew Mum wouldn't ring them....and since then she has enjoyed visiting their homes, they come to Mum, and they've done trips out.

rachels....yes DD2 has settled in well to school thanks. She has a party to go to today and DD1 has been invited by a friend tomorrow for the day so its a bit of a topsy turvy weekend. DH has just gone to work so I'd best get my skates on because I've got a lot to get done before we go out. Whilst DD2 is at the party I'm taking DD1 to Clarks to get some new boots....more money but I find Clarks last a good couple of years so worth it. I'm trying to buy the bits I won't be able to afford come the New Year when the mortgage changes. Re looking for a job - got the local paper yesterday - nothing. I might do some voluntary work in the meantime...I help out at DD1's school during the week so might ask if I can do some more. She's Year 5 (aged 10) and I find that an interesting year to help!

Best go...I've waffled a lot on this post..sorry...hope you all have a lovely day. xxxx

Hi...how is everyone? Had good weekends? xx

Hi, a quick hello as I should be asleep. A good weekend, what about you?
Mum has started clearing through some of my dad's personal papers, books etc. I didn't think she would do it so soon but whatever she is comfortable with.
I was clearing out a handbag and found a note he had written for me, asking me to do something in the town for him Feels strange seeing his handwriting now he has gone. I have lots of letters he wrote me when I was on a year away but I am not ready to read them again yet.
Away for the next few days, see you at the end of the week.

cath....my Mum sorted out my Dad's stuff after the funeral. I felt it was a bit soon but, like you, its up to her and whatever she's happiest doing. She then asked me to take all his clothes, which she'd washed and ironed and labelled up (sizes, neck collars etc) to the local BHF charity shop. It felt really weird me handing over bags of my Dad's clothing but it was the least I could do. I've also got some paperwork of his, to do with family research (ancestry) which I decided to take on after he died. Some of it was written years ago and his handwriting was so smart and tidy. It's very noticeable how shaky he got with his writing towards the end though cos his more recent handwriting was all over the place. Bless him. I can remember him offering to make me a cup of tea the day before he died. I joked about the fact that I needed a ladder to drink it cos by the time he got the mug to me it only had half a cup left, he was so shaky holding things like a cup. Such a shame to see someone go downhill when he was in his absolute prime prior to the car crash.

cath...hope you have a good week and catch up with you at the end of it! Hope everyone else ok?

I've not got a lot on this week - quite glad actually cos last week was manic. I'm just off out with the dog and I'm going to pop into a couple of charity shops to see if I can volunteer to help. I'm helping out at school this week too...helping some kids in DD1's year (Year 5 - aged 10) who can't write very well. I'm always amazed at the vast academic ability of kids these days. Even at 10yrs old there are some that can't even write their name. Shocking. xxx

Hello, we had a nice weekend....ds's first 'proper' birthday party (a friend from nursery rather than friends who I've known since anti-natal etc.) which was v.sweet although scary to see how much people spend on a 3 year old's party (but that's for another thread maybe...)

My mum also sorted dad's clothes very quickly - even before the funeral. My sister was staying with her at the time and found it very difficult because she wasn't ready. Mum obviously was, and has been 'sorting' ever since. She's worked wonders on the garden and it gives her an outlet and something to keep her busy. Dad wasn't really able to keep up with it in the last couple of years but was too proud to ask for help and no-one wanted to offend him by offering so it had got into a bit of a state.

cath - those letters will be really nice to read when you are ready. My dad wasn't one for letters, although I'll treasure forever his written directions...he was my 'sat nav' as I have a terrible sense of direction and always had to ask him how to get to places. I use his directions to Wales where his tree is , which is oddly comforting. I completely panicked last time we went when I couldn't find them, and wouldn't change the route even a little bit to take a short cut my brother suggested! Silly really I suppose.

Whispy - I teach year 5 and 6 and yes, it is scary the range of abilities and how some children either slip through the net or just don't 'get it' however much help they have. It's great that you're helping out at school, I'm sure they really appreciate it. Have you thought about trying to get work as a teaching assistant? It's not brilliantly paid, but fits in well with school hours and is credit crisis proof...I'm feeling pretty good about being in the public sector for once!

Ds is dozing next to me and I'm watching that cookery prog about eating what's in season. Lovely recipes but why do they film lots of close ups of him chewing? He's not exactly gorgeous!!! The in-laws were up today and I've managed not to get upset. They were in a much better mood and had a lovely day with ds so I feel much more warm and fuzzy about his relationship with them. (Have also had couple of glasses of wine hence waffling - sorry! )

Rachel - have just found this thread. I also lost my dad in May unexpectedly after 13 days in hospital. DD was just 4 and DS nearly 3. He was a perfect Grandpa who adored being with his grandchildren, who all worshipped him and I too feel so sad that they didn't have the benefit of knowing him for longer and might not even remember him at all later on. However, the things which have comforted me since are:

1.a specific memory of my son singing Old King Cole to him in the Intensive care unit (first song he learnt by heart, taught to him by my Dad)

1. Great conversations about him with my DCs since he died and looking at old photos of him.
2. The knowledge that I am so similar to him that he will live on in my children in very tangible ways (not just physically but in all the made up words and customs, strange obsessions, favourite places, love for life etc etc). That really seems to help.

cath...glad you're ok and you had a good weekend. Isn't it funny how we remember our Dad's for the simple things in life...like getting directions etc. My Dad was very useful for when my car was playing up, the tv on the blink or simply a question to do with DD1's history homework! Glad your time with your in-laws went well. I don't see my out-laws....DH and I have nothing to do with his parents and haven't seen them for over 3yrs. They've never accepted the fact I married their son, even 18yrs ago, and they aren't the slightest bit interested in the DDs. My kids have one Grannie (my Mum) and one Great Grandmother (my Gran who is almost 97). That's all they know and that's all they will ever know.

Yes I would love to work in a school, cath, and I'd particularly like to help DD1's year - I helped out during her time in Year 4 and it was a real eye-opener. This year its even more of an eye-opener cos those kids I tried to help last year are still no further forward. DD1 is in a class of 33 kids. Fortunately she's in top groups and an academically bright child. I would be so worried if she were in the bottom groups and not improving.

latermater...hello, nice to see you've come to this thread. We've kept rachels thread running because there are a few of us who find it useful to come in and talk about how we have all coped/are coping with having lost a parent.

Sorry to hear you've lost your Dad too...how old was he? Such a shame to lose our Dad's when they've not long been Grandads too isn't it? My Dad died when my kids were 7 and almost 2yrs old. Fortunately he got to see both of them but I do wish he could see them growing up right now.

I think its really important to talk about our Dad's to our kids. They need to know he was there when they were babies....DD2 doesn't remember him but she does look at photos of him and we go to visit his grave together...she knows him as the 'Grandad with the flowers' (ie flowers on his grave) and she reels off all the pets we've lost since who are with him (a dog, cat, guinea pigs etc) and even the odd dead bird we've seen and a dead wild rabbit in the cemetary...'oh, they're with Grandad now'...so I get them all listed off as...'the bird with the bleeded wing' and the 'flat bunny in the garden by the church'....bless her.

Anyway, best go, its late. Hope everyone ok. Catch you all soon I hope. xxxxx

Pmsl whispy, bless your dd for 'the flat bunny in the garden by the church' - they never fail to make us smile in the saddest moments do they?!

Hi latermater...this thread has been a great help to me and even though I'm feeling lots better than when I wrote it, it's turned into something else now and it's really nice to keep in touch with others in a similar situation.

Anyone read a book with their dcs called 'Always and forever'...we've found it a lovely way to talk to ds about grandad - it's about a group of animals who live together and when fox dies they are all really sad, until they realise that life has to go on and fox will always live on in their hearts and in their memories. It's a bit of a tear jerker but v. nicely done, IMO.

hope everyone's ok xx

Hi everyone
We are back from a few days away and only one incidence of car sickness, great!
I will look out for that book you mentioned Rachels but probably couldn't read it to the Dcs without dissolving, so would have to keep it for a while. I was thinking about making a little album of photos for the DCs of photos of my dad with them so they can remember him and talk about him. Ds1 is very blunt and says things like 'Grandad is a dead man now' but I know it is just his way of processing it. I feel it is very unfair that they didn't have him for longer, he was not an old man but at least they did have him for a while. I have to remind myself to be grateful for what we have had and not what could have been.
I agree about this thread supporting each other, especially since my DH is not the talking type at all ( in the 3 days we were away he never mentioned my dad once!!). Maybe counselling is something to think about although not sure how to get it or if I need it but blimey, so hard to deal with it all on your own.
Waffle waffle, what am I like. best go x

Hiya cath....that thread could have been written by me...all the feelings you are going through are so similar.

Ds went through a phase of saying 'granden died now, Granden not coming back,' etc etc, and yes I'm sure it was a way of processing it, although it really upset my mum, and she hates him to see her cry (although I think it's ok personally. He knows grandma is sad and gives her lots of kisses and cuddles.) He seems to be moving on from that phase a bit.

Got dh peeking and I'm a bit possessive over what I write here so bye for now. xx

Okay it is very late and i have had a wine or two so going to ask this question...is it normal to think you want another DC after losing a parent?
I have 2 and that is plenty. I was always adamant I did not want more. But now my dad has died I think how nice it would be to have a new baby in the family. (Would love to be an auntie but no sign in near future). I feel a bit crazy for feeling like this. Perhaps it is just a biological thing, like 'cycle of life' IYSWIM?
Hope all are well.

A woman who I work with had her second son less than a year after her dad died...the way she explained it to me was that she wanted
something positive to come out of all the c**p. I think it is perfectly natural - maybe to have something positive for everyone to focus on.

we've tentatively decided to start TTC for our second...eek! Bit scared...

Hi...how is everyone?

I'm rapidly coming up to the anniversary of Dad's death. Had a note come home from school for something DD1 is doing and its for November and suddenly thought...crikey, that's only next month. The time has flown by.

I think its lovely that you both (cath and rachels) want to try for more children. When Dad died, shortly afterwards, a friend of my Mum's had another baby. It was literally days after. It was lovely because it was as if a life had finished but there was a new life too that had just started.....it also gave everyone something to smile and be happy about.

Anyway life here is ok. Just plodding along. Wish I could find a job that would fit in around the kids. Desperately need to find a job for the financial side of things. Kids are off next week (half term) so I'll start looking again after that. Had parents evening for DD1 last night - she's almost 10 - and she's doing extremely well and well above where she should be which I'm very proud of...but then she's always been one to be a grafter with her work and homework...whereas DD2...well, she seems to quite enjoy being told off at school for talking too much and still spends most of her playtime in the playshed in the playground with either one of her two boyfriends. Have got her parents evening tomorrow night. Bearing in mind she only started school in September I hope I'm going to be told she's behaving herself! Somehow I doubt it!

Hello! Hope everyone ok. xx

Hi all...hope you're ok. How ru feeling about your dad's anniversary whispy? Dad's birthday is the 10th and I'm dreading it. Want to mark it in some way with mum - I've got the day off work.

Have you had any more luck with job hunting?

Ds has been talking about granden loads again - not sure why. He lay in bed yesterday morning telling dh all the things granden used to do with him. I was in floods. I'm missing him lots at the moment after a really good spell. The fact that ds has been completely thrown by the clock change and waking up at 4.30 probably doesn't help...