Can't bear the thought of dad not seeing ds grow up

[rachels103]

I'm new to mumsnet, but really need somewhere to talk about my lovely dad who died in May. I hope that's ok.
He and my ds, who is nearly 3 had a really special bond - my ds adored his 'granden' and it seems to be getting harder, not easier, to think about him growing up without him, especially as I know that in a few years he probably won't remember him at all.
To make it worse, my FIL is not a very child friendly person, and it makes me really angry when he more or less ignores ds when they visit (only every couple of months anyway, where my dad looked after him once a week). I know it's not fair to expect FIL to make up for the absence of dad but it just makes me so so sad. Their visit has really dropped me into a hole when I thought I was coping quite well.
I want to start a memory book for ds but don't seem to be able to bring myself to start.

Hi Whispy, how are you?
Things are tough here. Emotions running close to the surface. Much more tearful than previously. Why is that? Catching myself thinking about him, as if he is still here, like his death hasn't quite sunk in.
More bad news within the family and things quite crap with DH, doesn't help matters. Hope everyone else okay.
ho ho ho

Sorry, my attempt to brighten up my post, not very effective.

cathart....I hope you're ok. I get flashbacks even now with my Dad, over 3yrs later. I was lying in bed the other night just thinking about him...and the tears started. We're only human but I think its perfectly normal to have down moments. I've had loads. I'm trying my hardest to keep up-beat for Xmas. This will be my 4th without him. Last 3 have been awful and its not fair on the kids so I'm trying, for their sake, to be a bit happier. It's Dad's birthday on the 23rd so that doesn't help but it'll just be a normal day but I will light a candle for him.

How are things with you and your DH? My relationship changed with DH when Dad died. It's never been the same since. He has so taken the brunt of my emotions/moods etc. There were many times I said to myself if I can't have Dad I don't want any man in my life. Stupid to say and I know Dad would have disliked hearing it but its true, or atleast it has been.

Life goes on. My Dad has gone from my life. I learnt, like you, the hard way that life is too short.....and I always remember that when I'm down and it helps to bring me up again...make the most of every dayxxxxx

I've just read this thread and wondered if this book might help anyone. We bought one for our dd when my FIL died and she still loves reading it click here

Oh crapola!!! X-factor's winning song is one of the leonard Cohen songs that we played at the Crematorium (where we had a private service before the church one) and now it is going to be EVERYWHERE for the next 2 weeks. I couldn't bear to hear it last night and had to turn channels over. My Dad loved Leonard Cohen and fulfilled his ambition to see him live only 6 days before he was admitted to hospital.

Oh Cath, that's horrible. I find that song quite emotional and it doesn't have any particular significance to me. To hear it butchered over the whole of Christmas is not nice at all.
I'm having to avoid traditional Christmas carols completely at the moment...couldn't manage to sit through school hymn practice for the carol service tomorrow night so God knows how I'm going to get through the real thing. I'm not sure exactly what it is, apart from taking me back to every other Christmas ever hearing my dad warbling his way through them whilst cooking the Christmas dinner and this year...well, you know.
Take care.

Just wanted to pop in and say I hope everyone on this thread had a peaceful Christmas. We had a nice day - two excited children helped move it along. I know my dad wouldn't want us sitting around crying that he is not there.
Wishing us all blessings and happiness for 2009 x

(ladyr - thank you for the link, I have bookmarked it. they look really good.)

Hi, rachels103 and whispywhisp, your stories are so much like mine, my dad died suddenly in jan 2008, i spoke to him on the friday and got a call the saturday my mom telling me he had died in his sleep. I am from Canada but living in England for 10 yrs now. My daughter and my dad were like to peas in a pod, he babysat her when i went back to school, came round everyday. I moved to England when she was 7yrs old. She and I are finding it rather hard without him,
I find my mother has changed like you said about the SAT results, i tell her how she did and the subject is changed, but my dad would of said something about it on how good she did.
I have photos and my mom sent over some of his shirts he wore, which my daughter cherishes, funny how a shirt can remind you of someone. or the smell. oh my i am tearing up,
I have a son that is 7 he has seen my dad but never really got to know him which is sort of sad but due to the distance it is hard to see them so i show pictures and phone when i can.
I hope it gets easier with time but i have good days and bad days.
rach

Hi all. I'm glad you managed to have a nice day cath. I was determined not to be miserable for the same reason - dad would not have wanted it - and a very excited 3 year old gave us plenty to smile about.
We were with my PIL, and I would have preferred to be with my family (but then that would always be the case ) but it was ok. My mum's now back from my sister's in Germany, so it's been nice to see her. I think we're all kind of glad we got through it and it's over, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be.
Wishing everyone a peaceful and happy 2009.

hello everyone hope you don't mind if i post a message on this thread
i lost my dad in a sudden and similar way to some of you back in may 1999 on my dc1 8thbirthday
a gentle,kind, protective,capable dad
the sort of parent i hope to be one day to my own dcs
at first i felt i would never get over the heartbreak,shock,guilt,devastation
and i didn't for a long time
had to avoid reminders to not be overwhelmed
but more so now ,just recently
i can think of him,my childhood memories and feel a warm safeness of care i grew up with,
as a comfort from life's problems just as when he was alive
i had to grieve a lot not because i am weak but because the loss was so great and i loved him so much
i wanted to give hope to all of you suffering now that one day you will feel soothed not distressed by your memories but somehow its making me cry
the time you had together is part of you and one day the memories will comfort youxx

Resolutions,
Thank you for your post. I was very moved by your words. It does help to think that things will be easier and although our loss is great our pride and love for our late parents goes on.

Hello.
I was going to start a new thread for this but I'm hoping that if Whispy, cathcat and anyone else who spent time here last year see it pop up again they might take a look...

Also, this thread helped me more than almost anything else at the time of losing my lovely dad and I sort of wanted to add this to it.

It was the first anniversary of dad's death last weekend. My sister came over from Germany with her boys and they, mum, my db, sil and nephew and me, dh and ds all went to Wales for 3 days to visit dad's tree. There are great tits nesting in his bird box! He would have been so pleased. We stood and watched the mum fly in and out with food. It was beautiful.

I also managed to have a proper chat with mum (she bustles around busily most of the time and keeps everything locked away)about how he is everywhere in the part of Wales where his tree is, because it was a place so special to him and how we have to keep going back and being happy there for him.

On the actual anniversary day we all walked to the cemetery back in mum's village to put up a plaque on a sort of memorial bench for him. We made a complete mess of it due to hard wood and crap screws and could all hear him tutting at us - "haven't I bloody taught any of you anything?" which caused a smile. We then had a big happy family barbeque for my sister's 50th birthday in his garden before walking back to end the day finally managing to put the plaque up.

It was a strangely lovely few days, and I'm so proud of all of us for sticking together and doing things that he would have enjoyed.

I'm 36 weeks pregnant too, and a bit worried about how I'll feel when this LO arrives and grandad won't be there for a cuddle, but I think it will be OK. One thing's for certain, he or she will know what a lovely man his or her grandad was. And I do think he'll be able to see. He still feels too close for that not to be the case.

Sorry, that was a real ramble and doesn't even need a reply. I just wanted to write it all down. Sorry to be self-indulgent. But if anyone is going through the pain of those first few months of losing a loved one and happens to stumble on this, I hope you can take a bit of comfort in the fact that it does get easier. I still miss him every day but it isn't that raw, desperate pain any more.

Can I join in here? I lost my dear Dad nearly 7 weeks ago and I hate how my life is at the moment. Does that sound awful?

When I allow myself to think about Dad I just cry and cry, I miss his, desperatley. Ache for him almost.

I get up each day and go to work, and smile and laugh and put on a brave face, I have good friends who listen and let me cry, and dh is great, but I still feel so alone in my grief.

Today dh is out with his cycling club and I am driving to my Mums, I still feel so sad sriving there and gping into the house where I grew up and my dad is so evidently missing.

I thought I was doing OK, but this weekend I just felt so tired, like I am running on empty and have not much left. Small things are totally irritaing me. I just want to be left alone, feel like disapearing for a few days just to recharge.

It's heartening to realise it does get better in time, and reading this has helped somewhat. Plus it has certainly opened my eyes to what a long and tiring journey grief is, I wil certainly look out for friends should it ever happen to them. How could I have never known it was this bad?

Dr Northerner - I remember that feeling of going to the house my dad lived in and really not wanting to - so clearly.

I was never prepared for not wanting to go when the time came to leave.

It is a very strange feeling. It has developed, espeically as I now live a lot closer, so it is more frequent and also my mum gas decorated a few times (dad has been gone 9 years).

My boys have neber met "grandpa Bob" but they talk about him, as I talk about him to them all the time. I am sure he would have been so proud of them both

Hi, I wasn't on the original thread because I hadn't found the wonders of mumsnet at that point. Have read most of the thread it is great to hear that you are starting to come out the other side rachels103.

FWIW, I really do know what you are all going through. My darling Dad died from cancer when I was 23 years old, before I had DC's, it still makes me sad 9 years later that he will never know them. My mum remarried a wonderful man who became like a father to me and was an adoring grandpa to DS (5). They were such a little double act. He also adored DD who is now 16 months. Unfortunately a rather cruel twist of fate meant that he also died from cancer last september.

Dr NOrtherner, I completely empathise and understand how you are feeling. SOme of us just want to hide away from the world and grief is a long horrible process but you will get through it even if things seem very dark right now. Use your friends and your DH as much needed support but don't be afraid to take time away just for yourself. There is no right or wrong way of dealing with this, you just have to do what seems right to you at the time. It's also hard for us daughters because I know in my case I had to do a lot of the supporting of my mum who went to pieces, quite understandably, both times but worse second time around. I spent so much time trying to help her that I almost forgot to grieve myself.

Take Care

Hi, was going to start my own thread for some advice but found this one and thought you lovely ladies might be able to help me.

DrNortherer, what you've said doesn't sound awful,thats exactly how I feel. I lost my wonderful mother 2 weeks ago and had already lost my father 4 1/2 years ago. I was still having really sad/bad days regarding my dad, such as when DD was born 2 1/2 years ago it made me so sad he never met her but I like to think he is looking down on her. Nothing could have prepared me for losing my mum though, it seems 100 times worse than my dad,maybe because we are closer and maybe because now I'm an orphan? What makes it all worse is that my lovely mum didn't get to meet my lovely baby son who will be 4 months tomorrow. We are abroad and were due back to the UK for three months at the end of June. I'd already brought it forward to Wedesday as couldn't wait to get home and see mum but I should have gone home sooner and now she'll never seem my baby.

DrNortherner, it will get easier going to see your mum, I managed that ok that last few years but am dreading going later this week when she won't be there. She died at home on her own and I feel sick at the thought of having to go into her house but I have to as I've got to pick up some clothes for her to wear for her funeral next Monday as I don't want her just wearing a gown.

My DD is only 2 1/2 and I am grateful that she got to know my mum and thank god she spent christmas with us and DD remembers that but I'm scared she will forget. I feel the need to put photos of nannie in every room.

Here is my problem ladies and I hope someone can help me. When I spoke to my brother last week about the funeral (he had made most arrangements and I'm finalising when I'm home Wednesday)he asked if I wanted to view mum. My first thought was no way, I wanted to remember her how she was at Christmas and couldn't imagine seeing her dead. With my dad I'd seen him the day before he died in hospital then went back a few hours after he died and said my goodbyes. The hospital staff were great, they'd phoned me in the early hours when he died and I drove down around 7am, told my mum and we then went to the hospital and the nurses had kindly left him in his room and he just looked asleep. I cried and kissed him goodbye.

with my mum, I'm now having second thoughts and wondering whether I should see her. I'm scared that if I don't, I won't have proper 'closure' if that makes sense? I'm scared of seeing her dead and am not sure what I should prepare myself for but if I don't do it, I'm worried I'll always regret it.

Any advice from anyone, this is all I can think about at the moment.

I cannot speak from experience as I was there when both my dad and stepdad died. FWIW, if your gut instinct is that you want to see her then I would go and see her because otherwise i suspect that you are right and that at some point in the future you might regret it. Others who have been through the same event might tell you that I am wrong but I would imagine this would give you the opportunity to say goodbye and I suspect she would just look as if she were sleeping. I don't think this will impact on your lovely memories of CHristmas, they will always be there. Funerals do offer closure but not a personal opportunity to say good bye. HTH.

Thinking of you.

Thank you elliepac, that is helpful. I think I was just a bit scared of seeing her as I didn't know how 'bad' she would look if that makes sense? It has been two weeks since she died and I won't be able to see her until Friday. I think I do need to actually see her and say goodbye but am changing my mind every 5 minutes.

mumoverseas...my sister lives abroad too so she was the only one of us who didn't see dad on the day he died. She did go to see him in the chapel of rest, and was glad that she did, if only to make it real for her. My brother and I went with her but chose not to see him again.

She did say that it didn't look like him at all, that he wasn't 'there' so that's something to be prepared for.

If you feel that you need to say your goodbyes, then this is your only chance. I think my sister was glad that she did.

Take care.

DrNortherner...it will get easier going to your mum's. I cried my way down the road to their house for weeks, and couldn't bear to be in the house. It's OK now, although I still get sad when I see my little mum waving goodbye by herself. It's more for her that I'm sad now.

If you feel that you need some time alone, try really hard to get it. I felt like there wasn't room for anything else but just getting through the day at times.

And hello elliepac and MAdhouse too.

Hello Rachel and all others, sorry we are all here for the same reason.
How are you Rachel? I saw you on another thread where you were getting ready to leave work for Maternity leave. (I changed names for a while) Nice to see this thread again, it was a great place to write things down.

Mumoverseas I'm sorry about your tough decision whether to see your mum or not. I can understand your dilemma. I didn't go and see my dad but I had been with him when he died so that helped make it real IYSWIM. I hope whatever you decide is the right way for you.
Will check back soon.

morning all, rachel, thank you so much for that information you shared with me. That is sort of how I feel at the moment, that I have to see her to make it real if that makes any sense. I am up really early this morning to ring the funeral directors when they open at 9am to discuss whether it is too late to say I want to see mum. I'd said before I didn't want to but hope they can still arrange it.

Hi guys, thanks for your kind messages. REally sorry we are all here for the same sad reason

mumoverseas - no one can tell you to see your Mum, but I did choose to see my dad. It was only the day after he died, and I'm glad I did it, but to me, it was clear it was his body, but he wasn't there, if that makes sense.

My cousin saw him nearly 2 weeks after his death and apparantly he looked very serene and well, so don't worry about the period of time that has passed, they are very good and making them look well I beleive.

I am sending you strength to get through it and of course teh funeral. It's a horrible time to go through.

Hi cath...nice to see you - I wondered where you'd gone as I used to see you from time to time elsewhere.

How are things going for you now?

I'm pretty much waiting for the new arrival now. It somehow seems easier to think that s/he won't know dad at all, rather than seeing ds lose him. How odd is that? I really do think that dad can see what's going on down here, although I wouldn't have put myself down as particularly religious or spiritual before.

My mum has had a rotten time though - she's lost 2 sisters this year and now her younger half brother, who had Downs Syndrome and who she has been very close to, has died too, so of course making funeral arrangements etc. has brought everything back. Too many funerals in one year, poor mum