Can't bear the thought of dad not seeing ds grow up

[rachels103]

I'm new to mumsnet, but really need somewhere to talk about my lovely dad who died in May. I hope that's ok.
He and my ds, who is nearly 3 had a really special bond - my ds adored his 'granden' and it seems to be getting harder, not easier, to think about him growing up without him, especially as I know that in a few years he probably won't remember him at all.
To make it worse, my FIL is not a very child friendly person, and it makes me really angry when he more or less ignores ds when they visit (only every couple of months anyway, where my dad looked after him once a week). I know it's not fair to expect FIL to make up for the absence of dad but it just makes me so so sad. Their visit has really dropped me into a hole when I thought I was coping quite well.
I want to start a memory book for ds but don't seem to be able to bring myself to start.

Hi Minnie.....sorry to hear you've lost your Dad too. Keep posting on here....when is your new baby due? xx

Hi whispywhisp - how lovely that you held you Dad's hand. I held my Dad's hand shortly after he died in hospital, but when I went to the Chapel of Rest to see him with my Mum, I couldn't bear to touch him, as I knew that he would be icy cold.

My Dad suffered a catastrophic brain hemorrhage and if he had survived, he would have been severely disabled, and he was a very independent man and he wouldn't have wanted to live his life like that, so it was relief, in some ways, when he died.

My Dad would have been 82 this year, my Mum is still going strong, although she is disabled, she copes well.

My baby is due in about 3 weeks, so I am weepy and hormonal at the moment!

My father died when I was 25 and my mother died when I was 32. I was with both of them at the time. I was married but had no children at the time. I deeply regret leaving it so late now having my DS when I was 35. He never met either of them. My twin sister has two DD one of them was 3 and one about 6 mo when our mother died. Sadly neither of them can remember her. But they refer to her as Grandma in the stars.

As time goes by you remember the good times much more than the sad ones. But still when I read posts like this I cry even though it is now 18 years since my father died and 10 years since my mother died. I still miss them very much. But I know they are watching over me and my DS and I am sure they would love him to bits.

Yea it was weird holding his hand though because he'd been dead for some time by the time I got over there - atleast 3hrs - although we don't know exactly what time he died. I held it again at the Chapel of Rest - to be honest it was the only part of him I truly recognised because he'd had such an invasive PM and he didn't look like my Dad at all.

i've been struggling this week as it's just over three years since my grandma died, she brought me up for some of my childhood and i was much closer to her than any of my family. She died when ds was 8 weeks old and i am sad that i can't share him with her.........i spoke to my dad about it this week because i've been finding it very hard and he said 'time heals all wounds, but some wounds heal for all time'.......and that really makes sense to me. My sadness about this will never go away completely and it's ok to feel this way no matter how much time has passed.......i went to Gran's grave last week and ds was a joy talking to her picture on the gravestone and i knew that wherever she is she will have been smiling at that.

Hiya Queen and Daphne xxx

Queen...that saying 'time heals all wounds but some wounds heal all time' is so true.

I do think time heals 'sometimes' but not all the time. Sometimes it feels like its only yesterday that I last saw Dad, then again it feels like 3yrs.

I just wish he hadn't gone out that night in his car when he had the collision with the drunk. If he hadn't gone out I might still have him now.

One thing I do believe (and I'd never even thought about it til we lost dad) is that when your time is up then that's it...it must be really hard for you not to feel bitterness whispywhisp, but who's to know what might have happened even if he hadn't have gone out that night - maybe it was just his time.

I too know that my dad wouldn't have coped being disabled and dependent on anyone else. He was a very independent (some would say stubborn!) man and would have been a terrible patient. He never took time off work and it was a real struggle to get him to the doctor about anything. He was starting to lose his mobility to the degree where he really couldn't walk far but never complained about the pain - only about the fact that he couldn't hike up mountains like he used to. I think he actually was in more pain than he let on before he died, and maybe if he'd been a moaner we'd have learnt more about his heart condition before his heart gave up on him. But there you go - that was his way and we have to accept that.

I cried all the way home from mum's today because ds wanted to listen to 'The Smartest Giant in Town' on CD, and last time dad was in the car with me he commented on how well ds joined in with the song. It was only a few weeks before he died and the first time I'd ever driven him anywhere (he always drove, but his legs were too swollen...in hindsight another clue to what was coming). It felt like he was right next to me.

Hi minnie, daphne and queen. Good luck with the last few weeks of your pregnancy minnie. Remember a little part of your dad will be there in your new baby, and I'm sure he'll be looking down on you with a smile. My dh keeps reminding me that dad lives on in all of us who are left.

This is what I love about MN I'm not even the OP but I feel really comforted by the words everyone has said on here. Thanks. xx

I cry too some days, pregnancy hormones make it worse. I cannot listen to "Dance with my father" by Luther Vandross without dissolving completely, and it is the sort of thing that I consider to be sentimental rubbish normally!

I talk about my Dad a lot, it keeps him alive.

It is good to be able to share on MN.

Daphne....that's a nice post...thank you. xx Glad we can all help each other.

Minnie...I talk about my Dad quite a bit too. Now I can talk about him without crying quite so much but initially I would sob. I've been having some dreadful nights just lately though - the most awful nightmares and they are always about Dad. Weird because before he died I never suffered with nightmares/heavy dreams but since he's gone I get them quite regularly.

I must go and visit Dad's grave this weekend. I find it one of the toughest things to do. Even now I can't get used to seeing his name on a headstone.

His parents are buried in a grave yard a few miles further on than Dad. He was an only child and could never afford a headstone for them until a few months before Dad passed away. For once Dad had some money (he sold a plot of land) and the money finally came through in the February 05. He immediately ordered a headstone for his parent's grave. He chose the design and the wording. He never got to see it because he died just before it was erected. That makes me soooo sad. Dad has the same design of headstone on his grave so it matches his parents. The plot of land he sold was sold for a new development of houses. The cul-de-sac of houses has been named after him in honour of Dad. It has his surname and then Close.

He never got to see either his parents headstone nor see that the houses were named after him. I'm crying whilst I'm typing this now. I would do anything to have him back in my life again. Better go. Not having a good day today. Sorry. Keep in touch everyone. I need you lot too. xxxx

((hugs))whispywhisp.......

what really hit me about losing my Gran was not being able to draw on her expertise with babies, 12 children and 27 grandchildren meant she knew everything there was to know about little ones. In those weeks after her death when i had a 10 week old baby and was learning all those things you learn about your child i couldn't share with her and couldn't ask her advice......and i always thought she would be there for that.
The last time i saw my Gran before she was taken ill was when i was pregnant, and i sat on the sofa next to her and she placed a hand on my belly and there were tears in her eyes. When i was leaving to go home she held both my hands very tightly and said 'you are precious to me, do you know it broke my heart when your mum moved out and took you with her, i wanted you with me always'.....which is something we had never really spoken about.

sorry i needed to share this.....life has been hard for me this last year and i've missed not having her there to support me

queenrollo - don't be sorry, it is a lovely story, your Gran sounds a wonderful person, it is normal to feel the way you do.

whispywhisp - hugs to you, although I never feel close to my Dad at his grave, my favourite place is to sit in his armchair....

It is hard to cope with the loss of one life when you have another new life growing inside you...

Hi Queen and Minnie...thank you for the hugs. Need them atm. xxxxx

In the days leading up to my Dad's death he told me my kids were his 'special girls' which he'd never really said before so I knew something was different. He also told his neighbours in those short few days how much I'd done to help him whilst he was recovering from the car crash and how much I and DH and our kids meant to him. He could also recollect all the pressies I'd bought him over the years...he listed a few off the last time I saw him alive - the day before he died...even remembering a screwdriver set and a clock I'd made for him (which I now have).

Life is so lonely without Dad. I have my Mum, which I'm thankful for, but I'm not as close to her as I was Dad, and never will be. Dad had such a lovely way about him - always putting others first, always ringing up to see if we are ok especially if one of the kids had been poorly calling them 'nippers', he would always make us feel so welcome if we popped in getting out the 'posh' biscuits - ie those with chocolate on them and offering whatever chocolate he had in his secret stash to everyone!

I just try and do my best as a Mum, Wife, Daughter and Sister. That way I know he'll be up there smiling down at me. I'm glad he knew my children albeit for a short time but atleast he knew they were there. I knew when I last saw him he wasn't well but I knew also that suggesting he went to see a GP would be the wrong thing to say because he would get on all the defensive and say he was fine. Perhaps I knew I was saying goodbye to him when I last saw him and atleast that last time was tarred with me suggesting he got an appt and him getting upset.

I told a mate of mine that same afternoon (at school) that I wouldn't have him at Xmas. Little did I know we'd lose him the following day.

All so sad. xxx

sorry I've not been here for a couple of days...rotten chest infection so been in bed before 9.
(((hugs))) whispywhisp, so sorry you're feeling down at the moment. I too feel that dad is looking down on us with a smile.
Take care.

Please could I join this thread for a while? My dad died 11 days ago and I am starting to find it so hard to accept what has happened. He was diagnosed 2 months ago but spent all but 5 days of that time in hospital so never got to make the most of the time he had left.
I was with him when he died which I am grateful for but also angry about because it was a horrible thing but feel I can't talk about it to anyone. IYSWIM.
I try not to cry in front of my DCs but can't help it sometimes and then worry I am stressing them out. Tonight I turned into shouty mum and now feel crap about it. Dh works evenings and it is hard to manage on my own.
I want company but I don't want company.
I want the next year to disappear because I don't want the pain.
Relief to type this and get it out. TIA

so sorry about your loss memory book what a beautiful idea.take it easy be kind to yourself

Hiya cathcat...so sorry to hear you've lost your lovely Dad too. You'll go through loads of different emotions in these early days. Anger. Sadness. Grief. Loneliness. Wanting to be on your own. Wanting company. You'll feel like you're existing in a bubble. You'll feel very numb. I did.

Don't worry about shouting at your kids. I did this too. I kept saying to myself I just wanted my Dad. I was like a child crying out for my lost parent. It was so weird. My kids didn't really understand what 'Mummy' was going through - they just knew I was incredibly sad and for a while, unfortuntely, they were walking around on egg shells around me for fear of upsetting me. If I cried my eldest would cry. She was only 7yrs old at the time but when I asked her why she was crying her reply would be 'because you are'. So I knew I had to try and keep my emotions hidden from her.

For a time I wanted to be on my own and talk about my Dad's death to anyone. Then I found, a few weeks afterwards, I found comfort talking to people. I found one particular person, who I know to say hello to and pass the time of day with, had also lost her Dad in exactly the same circumstances and she was an absolute angel to me.

Sometimes it helps to talk, sometimes it doesn't. If you feel you need to open up then do it but don't feel bad if you don't want to talk.

I'll be honest the first year is pretty hard. You've got all the 'firsts' to get thru - the first birthdays, Xmas, Father's Day...but I found once the first year had gone it does get easier. Even when I got into a New Year (Dad died Nov 05)...ie Jan 06 even being able to say 'Dad died last year' was easier to say.

He's looking down at you now Cathcat...remember that and I'm sure he wouldn't want to see you sad and upset but at the same time just be 'you'...if you want to shout and cry then do it...its better to let it out than bottle it up. Don't be embarrassed to show how you feel. You're only human after all. xxxx

Cathcat - so sorry that you lost your lovely Dad. 11 days is not long into the grieveing process and as whispywhisp said, you will go through all sorts of emotions.

I felt terrible that DD saw me crying so much, but I just told her the truth, that Mummy was very sad because her Daddy had died. I think that it is best to be as honest as possible, even with very young children. My Dad died just a few days after DD's 4th birthday.

Even now, over a year on, I still cry a lot, it is like some sort of primal loss, I could just howl with the pain and being pregnant and hormonal is making it worse, with baby due in about 2 weeks.

It DOES get better, it DOES get less painful, but little things will often remind me of my Dad and trigger my very deep feelings of grief and loss.

Big hugs to you.

Hi cathcat, so sorry to hear about your dad.

It's early days for you, I was a 'shouty mum' too, lots, and still am sometimes. I had no patience with my ds, I think because there was no room for anything other than just getting through each day. Then I'd feel terrible, but I think it's only natural. How old are your dc?

The messages from others who have been through the same thing have been really helpful to me over the last few weeks, and it's good just to have somewhere to 'go' IYSWIM where everyone knows what you're going through because they've been there.

Take care.

Hiya rachels...how are you? I think we ought to keep this thread ticking over for those of us who have lost a parent.

I had my Dad in my life for almost 40yrs. I had a bit of a cry today because I was having trouble with my youngest DD and I knew if Dad had been alive I would've rung him up for some advice! I have the anniversary of his death coming up next month. He will have been gone for 3yrs. Such a long time but a time to reflect and remember all those very many happy memories.

Hi whispywhisp,

Yes, I think we should keep the thread going...I feel much better at the mo than when I started it, but there are so many ups and downs and it is good to know there are others out there who understand and that we can be a bit of comfort for each other.

Dh has been a bit funny with me for posting on here, not in a bad way, but worried that I can't talk to him. It's not that and I can, but he's admitted it's hard for him to know what I'm going through so it's kind of nice to give him a break too.

When is your dad's anniversary? My dad's b'day is on 10th Nov so I know that will be another tough one. Have booked day off work to be with mum and would like to 'do' something with her rather than just being at home either feeling terrible or pretending it's a normal day. Not sure what tho...need to speak to her. Any ideas?

Hi Rachels...My Dad died on the 12 Nov. His birthday is just before Xmas. He will be 80.

I must admit when I had the first anniversary of Dad's death I treated it like a normal day. It happened to fall on Remembrance Sunday (Poppy Day) so it was a very sad day anyway. But I did do 'normal' stuff, iykwim. As far as Dad's birthday was concerned...I tend to put fresh flowers on his grave with a little note. I left a chocolate bar on there once...he loved his chocolate but I'm sure the wild rabbits that live in the cemetary took a shine to it because it had been nibbled at on one end...not that Dad would've minded..he liked to share!

Rachels...hows you, ok?

Hope everyone else ok too. xx

hello all,
having a bad day. I can't settle to do anything, I am behind with everything in the house, no shopping etc. Dcs just watching TV and making a mess downstairs. Just can't see the point in tidying the house, it's not going to make my grief go away. Really feel I am sliding down a slope just now.

cath...you're gonna have crappy days...it's normal. I had loads of days like that. I had absolutely no get up and go. Just didn't feel like getting out of bed sometimes. Even the slightest chore was a major task for me. I went right off food, felt lousy for it, the kids would get on my nerves for the slightest thing, I would shout at them, hate having them around me and just wanted to curl up and be on my own. Or I just wanted to be with my Dad. I used to say...'If I can't have my Dad, I don't want anyone'

Try and get an early night. Get yourself into a good book. Get up early tomorrow morning and start the day with something nice...quick walk round the block before your DP/DH leaves for work? Nice soak in the bath?

Wish you lived near me...I'd come and give you a hug and give you a hand with your LO's too. You're not on your own. You have us on MN. We'll always be here and we know exactly what you're going through. xxxxxx