Can't bear the thought of dad not seeing ds grow up

[rachels103]

I'm new to mumsnet, but really need somewhere to talk about my lovely dad who died in May. I hope that's ok.
He and my ds, who is nearly 3 had a really special bond - my ds adored his 'granden' and it seems to be getting harder, not easier, to think about him growing up without him, especially as I know that in a few years he probably won't remember him at all.
To make it worse, my FIL is not a very child friendly person, and it makes me really angry when he more or less ignores ds when they visit (only every couple of months anyway, where my dad looked after him once a week). I know it's not fair to expect FIL to make up for the absence of dad but it just makes me so so sad. Their visit has really dropped me into a hole when I thought I was coping quite well.
I want to start a memory book for ds but don't seem to be able to bring myself to start.

Hiya rachels. I'm ok, thanks. Not looking forward to the anniversary of Dad's death. Always a sad time with Remembrance Day too. I will go over to his grave and put some fresh flowers on there so atleast he knows I've remembered him. It's the 12th but I don't know what day that falls on but whatever it is I will get over there. My sister is going to put something on there too, so it should look quite pretty. Always a miserable time of year with graves I think. Nothing seems to cope with the cold weather and its never easy finding something that can cope with the cold plus not get eaten by the residential wild rabbits!

I still get very teary especially when the kids talk about their Grandad too. Someone once said to me that you wouldn't be human if you didn't cry, that it shows how much I love(d) him but I do try not to cry cos I know he'd be up there telling me to 'pull yourself together girl'....!!!

Never a day goes by when I don't think about him. I'd walk to the ends of this earth to bring him back.

rachels... I will be thinking of you on the 10 November. How old will your Dad be? My Dad will be 80 in December. xxxx

Hi everyone. Been back at work which has been okay. Apart from the fact I have been told to dress up on Friday which I don't want to do ...
Mum is keeping busy sorting through papers and clothes. The car is going soon too. I think she will be okay until after Xmas and then I think she might have a big dip. I suppose I am trying to get my head around the fact that we are never going to see him again, it starts messing with your head if you think about it for too long IYSWIM. I am keeping really busy. Still find it hard that some people act like nothing has happened ( my pet hate is when people say "I've not been in touch because I wanted to give you some space" GRRRRR!!!).
Anyone know how Minniethemoocher is, her baby here now?

cathcat...what they actually mean is 'I haven't been in touch because I feel too uncomfortable and don't know what to say...'

I talked about this with my brother shortly after dad's death and we both agreed that we'd been in that camp too in the past. Neither of us are very demonstrative people but now I've been through it I definitely wouldn't keep my distance.

I felt v. strange when I went back to work - like I'd been allowed my 2 weeks of grieving and now it's back to life as normal, when that was just when it was starting to actually sink in.

Take care.

My Mum went through a spell of not hearing from anyone immediately after Dad's funeral. She was inundated with cards and flowers when Dad died but as soon as we laid him to rest everyone backed away. I took it upon myself to ring some of her friends and ask that they get in touch, which they did, but they said to me they didn't know when to get in touch and to know what to say. Three years later and she sees them on a regular basis (weekly) and they've been an enormous help to her. One of them have even lost her own husband since Dad died so Mum has been a great support to her too.

I personally found the first 6 months after Dad's death the hardest. It was as if I walked around in a bit of a blur. Time just seemed to pass me by. I went through some very dark days - more dark days than good days and then as time went on the good days became more and the dark ones less.

I also found whenever I was out and about with Mum everyone would go up and express their sorrow etc to her, give her a cuddle, have a cry with her etc etc...and I would just stand there and say to myself...'he was my Dad too'. I had him in my life almost as long as Mum did. Yes I had mates who were brilliant and very supportive. My sister was especially great - we needed each other then and still do now. My parents led very separate lives and I was very close to my Dad. It makes it sound like I was very envious of the attention Mum was getting but if she was down/upset everyone comforted her. When I was down/upset my Mum would simply tell me to snap out of it and change the subject. Therefore most of my grieving was done in private.

I can still hear my Dad's lovely voice. I can hear his laugh. I can smell his pipe tobacco. He made me laugh so many MANY times. He had such a wicked sense of humour. It still hurts when I think about him. I'd like to say it gets easier with time. It does but not as quickly as everyone thinks and certainly not as quickly as I'd hoped.

Hi, how is everyone today? xxx

Hi, very mixed up today. So busy but thinking a lot about my dad. Didn't dress up today We were to be a witch or a cat, both involved wearing all black and I just decided - No I am not putting myself through that only 4 weeks after my dad's funeral.
Took the kids out guising (Scotland here, don't call it Trick or Treating!) and I had a moment in my mum's house where it is like for a second in my head I could picture my dad coming through the doorway and laughing at my Dc's jokes which didn't not make any sense. I suppose it is one of these 'firsts' you have to get through, birthdays, Xmas, Hallowe'en, anniversary etc. He really loved my children and they brought him a lot of joy. I try to be grateful that they had him this long but the title of the thread sums it up and I worry they will forget him and not remember how special he was.
Going for quiet cry now and off to make stuff for another Hallowe'en party tomorrow.
xx

Oh cath...are you ok? It is hard going through these first few weeks especially going through the 'firsts'. I can remember having many moments after Dad had died when I could still hear him, see him, smell him. I still get moments like that now but not so many these days. Although I can still hear him as clear as if it were yesterday talking to me. If I am at my Mums, on my own, I get very tearful...I just seem to wander around, touching bits of his that are still there, imagining him sat in his comfy armchair by the fire with his pipe sat in its holder. I can hear the keys on the inside of the back door hitting the door with a clang whenever he came in because he never shut a door quietly. His presence will always be felt in that house. Sometimes I find it a comfort other times I get very upset and angry because he's not there any more. Mixed up emotions still, even after all this time.

I do hope you're ok cath. Wish I'd been on MN when you posted....speak soon.xxxxx

Hi all, I hope you don't mind me joining this thread- whispeywitch suggested I should take a look as I lost my lovely dad, aged 55, in March to a heart attack, and I am suddenly feeling very low about it, after initally coping very well.

I'm sure I'll add to this in time, but one memory sticks in my head of his wake, and I wonder if anyone else has felt this?

I was sat looking round the room and I saw lots of family who we don't often see, all of dad's astronomy friends and work colleagues. Everyone was eating and chatting and I remember thinking, 'there's mum, there's sister 1, there's dd2 etc...where's dad? He's missing out on speaking to people...' then it hit me that they were all there BECAUSE dad wasn't. It was a very strange feeling, and I knew there and then that family gatherings would never be the same again, and actually, pretty pointless, considering my favourite person wouldn't be there.

For that reason, I'm staying at home this Christmas. Can't be bothered joining in with any 'cellbrations' when I feel like doing is screaming at everyone for being so jolly (of course I wouldn't actually do that )

cupoftea...hello. xxx

I've waffled away on your other thread - sorry! Anyway re the wake thingy. Yes, completely agree with you. We had a wake for Dad. I sat there and thought to myself...how come you lot can all get together to remember my lovely Dad, when he's gone, yet you never all got together when he was still alive? He'd have loved to have seen you all and enjoyed your company whilst able to enjoy it. How come I've not seen some of you lot for so many years? How come some of you lot never got in touch with Dad? That's always baffled me...why get together when he's not here anymore? Yea, I know its a wake etc etc...but such a shame he wasn't there and yes he was so obviously missed.

The first Christmas, was, tbh, horrible. We all met at Mum's and sat there opening presents. His chair was empty. It was completely the wrong thing to do cos it was still so raw - his passing, having died in the November. I hated every moment of that day. Since then we have celebrated Christmases in our own homes and made sure we've visited Mum at some point or she goes to stay with either one of us.

Anyway...I'm glad you've come onto this thread cupoftea.....I'm sure everyone else will pop in at some point - we've all been through it and we all help each other. I hope you will find this thread helpful and supportive. xxxxx

Hi all! My heart goes out to all of you. Can't begin to know how it must feel to loose a parent as an adult/mum and feel for you. My dad died when I was 8, so my situation is a bit different but I still feel sad that my ds and dd will never know their granddad, especially as dh's family are all abroad and only see them once a year. The way I deal with it is by talking to my ds about his grandad (dd too little at the mo). He's already asking if we're going to take some flowers at Christmas. He knows lots about my dad, what we did growing up and has a photo of him. This all started when our cat died, I told ds that his grandad would take care of him in heaven (not a very religious family). I think it's up to us to help our kids 'know' our parents when they are no longer here, by talking. Also it doesn't hurt them to see mummy gets sad sometimes too!

Hello everyone. We were away at my SIL's at the weekend which is why I haven't been on.

Cath - how are you feeling now? A bit better I hope. All the firsts are horrible.

Christmas is going to be a weird one for all of us who've lost someone this year isn't it? Can't say I'm looking forward to it. My mum has decided to go to my sister's in Germany so as to be away from home, which I think is the best thing for her, although I wish I could give her a cuddle on Christmas day. They've decided to go out for dinner since dad always cooked the turkey and they can't face doing it without him.

This means my Christmas will be quite 'normal' as we only ever saw them every other year anyway and wouldn't have done this year, but I know it's still going to be horrible thinking that my dad isn't sitting somewhere with his party hat on til bed time. Dh keeps talking about how much he's looking forward to Christmas, and yes, we have a 3 year old so it will still be lovely for him and his sake. Part of me doesn't want to celebrate at all though.

I went to an All Soul's service with my mum last night in the church where dad's funeral was held. It was really strange. She was in floods of tears. I wasn't, but it felt very surreal...like it couldn't really have happened. I had another one of those moments today where I kind of 'remembered' IYSWIM. I was driving somewhere new for a course thinking about discussing the route with dad...I forget all the time then it comes back with a big thud.

Hello cupoftea...this thread has been a fantastic help to me over the past weeks so I hope it helps you too. It's just good to hear that other people feel the same way, are going through the same thing and you're not alone.

Mumnosbest...I'm sorry you lost your dad so young - that must have been so hard. My ds knows that grandad is with the angels and talks about him a lot. I'm determined to keep on talking so at least if he doesn't remember the person very clearly he will remember the stories and have a sense of how much his grandad loved him.

Night night-I'm bleary eyed and back to a classroom of kids tomorrow

Hello everyone. Hi to Cupsofteaplease. I saw the photo on your profile of you and your dad, I hope it was a wonderful day and has wonderful memories for you. I just last week looked at my wedding album which has nice photos of my dad but the best one is one my aunt took of me and my dad dancing. It really captured the moment. I might put it on my profile if I get a minute to work that out. (beautiful DCs too, Cupsof tea!)

Rachel are you a teacher? me too, just part-time. Great job but draining too.

I am doing okay. One thing though is I keep having flashbacks to the days before he died and the day itself. It's like my mind needs to keep going over it. I think it is part of processing what has happened. We were lucky I suppose that we had accepted what was going to happen and we didn't want him to suffer anymore so we knew he had to go. But it is hard to acknowledge the awfulness of what it was like, what I mean is you can't say to your friends 'I was with my dad when he died, shall I tell you what it was like?' Not even talked to DH about it. It feels like a big secret you can't talk about.
It has certainly made me appreciate staff who work in hospices who go through this day in day out.
Must put DCs to bed. x

Cath - yes, I am a teacher - year 5 and 6. Are you primary or secondary? I'm full time at the moment, whilst dh does most of the child care and is at college retraining as an electrician 2 evenings a week. It's the last year of his course but neither of us can see him getting much work when he qualifies with the building trade at a standstill, so who knows when the arrangement will change. I don't mind it most of the time but yes, you're right, it is draining especially with LOs. I don't want to spend my weekends and holidays planning thanks very much...

I was with my dad an hour or so after he died and for a while all I could see was him lying in the garden. I had to look at lots of photos to bring him back as he was in my head. (One of my favourites is of him standing at their front door holding my wedding bouquet, just before we set off for church when I got married)It's not something you can really talk about though is it? I can understand the point of view of friends totally, in that it's just too uncomfortable to talk about. That's why MN has been so helpful as an outlet for all those feelings. If you want to tell us about your dad's last days cath, even if you have earlier on the thread, then do.

Take care, am supposed to be doing, yes, planning and marking..hurrah!

hi guys, i dont know if any of you watch denise richards reality show 'its complicated'.
but there is one episode where she is saying goodbye to her mum. Her two little girls were very close to their grandma who died of cancer and they were obviously missing her.
so denise had a memory bear made for each of them. The memory bear is a teddy bear that is made from the clothing that they remembered their grandma wearing alot and they now they have them in rememberance of her to cuddle whenever they need one. I thought it was a really sweet idea ( i know it may seem rather gruesome to some!) but there are a lot of companies that do this and it doesnt cost a lot.

Do not stand at my grave and weep, cos im not there i do not sleep.
Im now the thousand winds that blow,
Im now the gentle falling snow,
Im with the birds you see in flight,
I twinkle with the stars at night,
I put life into the earth on which you stand,
and when you need of me, I hold your hand.
So do not stand at my grave and cry, cos im not there, I did not die.

rachels ... how are you? I will be thinking of you tomorrow with it being your Dad's birthday. xxxx

All ok here. Went to a Remembrance Parade today. I find them sad at the best of times but since Dad died I've found it a lot harder, especially as he died on the 12 Nov so very close to the Remembrance weekend.

Hope everyone ok. xxx

dooky....I love those few words in your post. Thank you for putting them on. I've heard them said at many funerals. xxx

Hi whispy...I had a teary day with Remembrance day too - my dad would always watch the local parade, and also watch the service from the cenotaph on TV. Feeling a bit fragile with it being dad's birthday tomorrow - thanks for remembering. I'm cooking a family meal for mum and my brother and SIL - wanted to mark the day somehow but mum doesn't want to do anything in particular so I thought that would be nice.
I've decided I want something nearer to home to be able to go to to think of dad. The tree in Wales is lovely but so far away. I think I might collect some soil or something next time we're there and plant something in it. Mum was also thinking of having a plaque in the cemetary (she never wanted a headstone) and I think I'd like that too. I wish I had somewhere to go to tomorrow for a think and a cry....even though I know it's silly really because I can remember him wherever I am.

Sorry to waffle - hope you're ok too. Will be thinking of you on Wednesday.
Take care, rx

Hiya Rachels...what a lovely idea to go and get some of the soil from beneath the tree in Wales and bring it back to plant something in to remember your Dad by. Brilliant. When Dad died I put a miniature rose on his grave - a lovely deep red one - he always liked red roses (not that he was romantic...but he just liked them..he used to say the colour reminded him of 'old fashioned' roses!) and when it started to wilt I brought it home. I've never taken it back and keep it in the back garden. It will always be Dad's rose. It kept him company when he was first laid to rest and will now spend its growing time in my garden, keeping me company.

My Dad was the same with Remembrance Day. He was always one to sit and watch the parades on tv. He was always interested to read of the War Hero's stories. He never bored of them - he had great admiration for the veterans of both the wars.

I do hope you are ok today. Have a good cry if you want to...I'm sure it helps. I can't believe my Dad has been gone almost 3yrs. Makes me realise how time goes so quickly. My memories of him will never fade. I can still remember him, hear him, smell him as if it were yesterday.

Sending you lots of love and hugs for today - your lovely Dad's birthday.xxxxx

yes i think its a fab idea rachel. Having a special somewhere to retreat to is an important part of the healing process.
Its not something that you ever get over, but i do think that there comes a point when it gets a little easier. You know when youv reached that point because you turn up at your 'special place' and find yourself smiling at the happy memories instead of crying desperately about the empty hole thats been left.

not quite sure if that came out right.

Rachel, I hope you are okay and it has not been too hard a day. I hope you found a quiet time or place for yourself and a good cry if that helped. xx

Hi, Sorry to barge into this threadm but i just wanted to add a few things....

I lost my dad in December 2003 ds1 was then 5 1/2 yrs old. Now whether anyone is going to jump on me for this or not well that remains to be seen.

My dad was ill from the 19th september until the 13th december. During this time
19th september he had major surgery to corterise (sp) the artery in his stomach, which the hospital staff had managed to rupture...during an endoscopy and suctioning of an ulcer, caused by medication he was on.
20th september his lungs collapsed
21st he was on ICU
22nd heavily sedated
skip a few days
26th they tell us he has an infection, in fact he has more than one, but the main one being MRSA...and if he survived (5% chance) he would have a long road to recovery...Mum says check in his mouth for the infection you can't find.....Dad has cancer of the throat
2 weeks later
17th October he is on a normal ward..well private room because of the MRSA

he begins radiotherapy on.
12th December, get a call from hospital, after 2 months of being fine dad is having trouble breathing and he is back on breathing apparatus. I go and see him and he is very agitated. I have to leave as ds1 has his xmas play at school and I am recording it for dad.
Mum stays, Mum leaves about 3pm and goes home. Midnight exH comes home from work I make him phone hospital as I have a terrible feeling and can't do it....Dad is having terrible trouble breathing and we should be there...Off I go leaving exH with ds1.

get to hosp as mum does, dr comes to see us to tell us dad is dying and that we have a choice to put him on a life support machine... Mum and I agree that we would never ever turn it off...Dr takes decision out of our hands and decides against it.

I then set about phoning everyone and telling them to come to hospital.

At 1pm I call exh and tell him to bring ds1 who when he arrives is a bit taken aback by it all...however at 10pm he goes to see his beloved grandad and tells him

"Grandad I love you more than anything, please go to sleep now so I can...Actually Grandad let me go to sleep then you can"

15 minutes later my darling dad died with me holding his hand.

Ds1 had been to see his grandad everyday and I could not keep him away at the end as I felt that would have been unfair to him. Yes he remembers that day and he remembers his Grandad, He tells me all the things he remembers and we talk about him a lot.

Children do remember and yes we can help them....for me it is hard knowing ds2 14m will never know what a wonderful man my dad was....

going now as even writing this I am in tears....

Something I wrote on dads flowers...

DAD YOU TAUGHT ME MANY THINGS IN LIFE THAT I WOULD HAVE TO DO...BUT DADDY YOU NEVER TAUGHT ME HOW TO COPE WITH LOSING YOU. XXX

sorry just re read my posting....i rambled on too much sorry xx

No you didn't

My dad died 3 weeks after having a stroke. Ds1 was 10 and insisted on being picked up from school if anything happened to grandad so he could see him one last time. My dad had only been dead about half an hour so he was still ward and ds1 went and gave him a kiss and said goodbye.

warm i meant