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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

For Bereaved Mummies. Remembering Jack and our other precious little ones... the sharing of hurt is the beginnning of healing.

1000 replies

lottiejenkins · 10/09/2008 14:01

Third time lucky........ Thanks to Shabs and FMN. I hope i can carry the baton as well as you did. I havent made a good start though. Things can only get better.........

OP posts:
shabster · 18/09/2008 23:10

Book it Trips - go on, I double dog dare you!! Go for it sweetheart - will give everybody something to look forward to.

Right - I was going to bed - its that Trips she leads me astray!

shabster · 19/09/2008 06:41

Good morning girls xx

lottiejenkins · 19/09/2008 07:33

Morning Shabs,,,,,, Ive been awake since 5.30.........

OP posts:
Kat172 · 19/09/2008 09:01

morning ladies how r u all on this friday moring, thank goodness its the weekend.
Can i ask a personal question as im starting to feel quilty, How often do you visit your angels grave. las week we went about 5 out of 7 days this week i havent been at all but my mum has , I hate going there as its sad but if i dont i feel bad, Were going tonight when hub gets back from work but there only open til 6 which doesnt help. xxxxxxxxxx

lottiejenkins · 19/09/2008 09:12

I cant get to Jacks grave very often as i dont drive but as i said before my Mum goes for me and does the flowers for me.

OP posts:
shabster · 19/09/2008 09:18

Honest truth Kat? I cant remember the last time I went. I hate going. I keep fresh flowers in my living room next to their photo's but I dread going. My mum and dad go often...and I am thrilled to say - several of Matts classmates go especially at Christmas.

I feel a lot of guilt BUT they are not there - they are all around our family. Their personalities and smiles live on and will do forever.

frasersmummy · 19/09/2008 10:10

KAT I am ashamed to say that I go less and less as the years go past .. i used to go at least once or twice a week.. Now it seems like I go about once a month. I would like to go a bit more often but just dont seem to have the time.

my dad planted up some pots that would bloom with blue flowers over the summer and my in laws usually go once a fortnight with fresh flowers so I dont worry about there not being flowers in his garden

I found as the years went past , like everything else, visiting his garden got easier . Sometimes if life is too much I go there and find some solace.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 19/09/2008 10:33

Welcome Kat We visit Cole's grave whenever we feel we need to see him - which is probably about every 2 weeks. At first it was every day, then every week, then now whenever we feel we need to. Sometimes I can go and remember Cole with a smile and other times I breakdown as if I lost him yesterday. I think what I'm trying to say is, there is no right or wrong, just do whatever feels right.

Frasersmummy - your holiday sounds like it is going to be heaven. Make sure you give us a full report when you get back.

Lighthouse - since having Mac we have been asked 'is this your first?' so many times and dh and I are now getting angry at ourselves for saying yes. So we have decided we are going to say no from now on. I think this will be easier said than done though. But your earlier story has inspired me, so thank you xxx

hazygirl · 19/09/2008 10:56

hi girls when jayden first died we lived for going all the time ,and stayed for ages talking to him,i know a few weeks ago i was going to see spirtualist and went begging on my knees please jayden come through for your mummy tonight and as you know he did,but the message that came through prove he is here with us as he knew stuff ive done and nobody else in the world did,just jayden,so girls therre here not at cemetry.
i do go to cemetry to keep it tidy,one baby girl does get visited much but dh noticed it was here birthday last month and we weeded it and cut grass and washed headstone,and i did hope family didnt mind,but they did come and put new lights on for her

birthday,tricky one was i ok.

Kat172 · 19/09/2008 13:38

thank u ladies for your words means alot to no im not alone,
I having a good day today i got a job i applied for but nervious being the 1st time ive worked in over 3 yrs

triplets · 19/09/2008 13:47

Hi,
I think time changes things . When Matthew died I went daily for weeks, then over a period of time, about 6 months later as it was winter, I went once a week. That gradually became once a month, and now 14 yrs later its Christmas, Easter birthdays etc, although there are visits in between as my lovely Dad is buried in front of Matthew. Shabs is right, they are not there, but in the early years its very hard not to feel that they are there, and it hurts. I remember the Feb day, it was so cold, I was sitting on the bench near Matthew, when out of the blue the stonemasons turned up with his headstone, they had not let me know. I just sat there, watching, couldnt let them know who I was, felt so shocked. When they left I went over and the pain of seeing his name, that pain hits me still, I hate it. The strange thing is thats my headstone too, thats where I am going. Do you find that your husband/partner doesnt feel the need to go as much as you, that is certainly the case with us.

Hazy, just want to know how your fil is, hope he is progressing. Poor Harry is in bed again, the chemo has floored him.

triplets · 19/09/2008 13:49

I also hate it when someone says "Matthews grave", hate that word.

feedmenow · 19/09/2008 14:08

Kat - well done on the new job!! When do you start and what will you be doing?

Kat172 · 19/09/2008 16:27

i hate the word grave also i say garden usually but wasnt sure id said the right thing also, When we had her funeral which also i think isnt suitable for a child, Called the coffin a snuggle box,

Feedmenow, Its a job is a taxi firm just answering the phones and i start on wednesday fro training

charleymouse · 19/09/2008 16:31

Hazy sorry to miss Jaydens birthday we have been away, hope you and the family are ok and had a good day.

Trips sorry H is knocked by the chemo.

I do not visit Benjamins grave as often as I think I should. Trips I have to confess I have still not put a headstone on the grave; DH thinks it is a disgrace being in an unmarked grave. I however feel it will make it real and be a final marker that my baby is dead and won't be coming back. I have chosen the stone and finally decided on the wording with the help of some lovely M'netters but actually getting it ordered and put in place is a different matter. I am thinking I ought to get it done before the bad weather though. Although what difference that makes I don't know. I last visited on his birthday but have waved a few times and taken a picture of his plot from the otherside of the valley. I tend to talk to him through George and feel it is important G hears about his brother although I may have to edit what I say to him when he gets a bit more understanding. DH and I are also planning on going in there with him one day in the future. Hopefully not for a long time yet. DH hasn't been since the funeral, he doesn't feel the need the same as I do.

Hi Shabs, Lottie, Kat, Feedmenow, Frasersmummy, Iliketomoveit, lighthousekeeper and everyone else. Hope you are all okay.

shabster · 19/09/2008 18:12

Kat - snuggle box is just beautiful.

Charley - Being a twin is so very special and Danny still, to this day, suffers with separation anxiety - he hates being in the house by himself and frets and worries all the time about his loved ones. I always told Danny the truth (according to his age and understanding) about his twin brother. Funnily enough he is very attracted to other twins and has two sets of twins as good friends.

Somedays these 'stepping stones' we are all travelling along seem very slippery - dont they?

Thelighthousekeeper · 19/09/2008 19:39

Hi Everyone.

Kat - Snugglebox is a lovely way of thinking about it. At the moment I go everyday (Noah died in June) and I can't imagine not doing so. I have even been to the cemetry at 11 at night before!! Having said that we did go away for 5 days and obviously couldn't do so and I felt very bad about that. We happen to live about 10mins walk away and I have to drive past it when going anywhere so I guess it's much easier for me to vist as its so close. You musn't feel bad about not going. My DH gets really upset practicaly every time he goes and I've said to him that maybe he shouldn't but like you he feels guilty. There is no right or wrong answer and with me maybe it is the thought of the guilt which makes me stick to this routine - I don't know (sorry to have waffled on for far to long). xx

Ilike - hope all is well with Mac and yourself. xx

Kat172 · 19/09/2008 20:47

macys buried about 10 miles from our house and i sont drive either, Macys buried in a own i will always call home and at some point ill be back home, Ive just ordered her headstone we have ordered a eeyore one

Thelighthousekeeper · 19/09/2008 21:09

So it is quite a trek to go then. Don't feel bad about not going. She's with you all the time (I talk to Noah constantly!). We went to order Noah's headstone today. We have chosen one with a dove on it holding an olive branch. At his funeral we had the reading when Noah sends out the dove after the flood so it seemeda perfect choice. It's so hard choosing though what stone, lettering etc etc though and it's something I would never have imagined I would have to do but I just what it to be special for him.

triplets · 19/09/2008 22:30

Matthews stone has his birthdate on it but not the date he died, I just couldnt bear to see it there. Most peole thuogh that was odd, even said to me,"but people wont know how old he was when he died". We know. In the Sept after he died out of the blue a poem came into my head, and that is what is on his stone.

Matthew David Peace
born 9.7.79

Our baby grew, our son has flown,
Away from us, his life, his home.
Fly high my child, fly high
But know our love will never die.

Its just something you never ever dream you will have to do............

Thelighthousekeeper · 19/09/2008 22:44

Thats beautiful. x

mel1981 · 19/09/2008 22:49

Hi everyone. hope your all well, feels like ages since I last posted... pob only last week LOL! Im too addicted to my computer.
Been so busy lately. Hayden starts school full time on mon. not much news on FIL they HAVE to take some bone marrow no matter what (-He bent 3 needles last time they tried) before they can 'stage' it. Then another 5 week wait!!

Hazy- a belated happy birthday to Jayden. x glad to hear your FIL is doing better.

Lighthouse- Im glad youve found something you can assosiate with Noah.
I agree with the others sometimes I feel bad for making people feel awkard when I talk about Jack -Including my own family who dont really talk about him. My parents arent too bad but my inlaws avoid him still. We openly talk about Jack & We were talking about getting a dog and my DH suggested calling him Jack, Hayden overheard and mentioned to nanny when we saw her next. she just glared at me as if she thought 'why is he talking about him!' I had to keep my mouth shut or I would of really laid into her. Wasnt in the right frame of mind to have an arguement that day.

Jacks grave is next to a woods & farm the cows& chickens make me smile but the Deers and moles! I was really upset with the mole hole in the middle of Jacks grave.

Kat- Welome if I havent said it before& congratulations on the job. We used to go every few days to Jacks grave but since having another baby we cant find time to go as ofter as we like. kids get restless cause they dont understand, but sometimes we drop them at nannys for abit of time there. My DH hates leaving- he says it feels like were leaving him behind. I dont like any of it I hate imagining my baby boy there & seeing his name. And I hate holidays I feel so far away from Jack.

Anyways, gone on way too much now. x

mel1981 · 19/09/2008 22:53

Trips That poem is lovely...Thinking of what to put on Jacks stone was one of the hardest things we had to do. We chose... forever loved, never forgotten. My DH thought of it while I was in hospital being induced and it seemed so right.

lottiejenkins · 20/09/2008 07:51

I have a problem with the rabbits who come in and eat Jacks flowers........ We had Loved and Remembered every day on Jacks plaque.

OP posts:
shabster · 20/09/2008 08:53

Good morning girls xx

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