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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

For Bereaved Mummies. Remembering Jack and our other precious little ones... the sharing of hurt is the beginnning of healing.

1000 replies

lottiejenkins · 10/09/2008 14:01

Third time lucky........ Thanks to Shabs and FMN. I hope i can carry the baton as well as you did. I havent made a good start though. Things can only get better.........

OP posts:
shabster · 23/10/2008 15:14

Christmas is a difficult time - the last three Christmas Days I have invited my mum and dad for their dinner and I have enjoyed it, but it still gets to me - usually brass bands playing Christmas Carols

I was going to say to you FMN it would be lovely to give baby a middle name like Hope or Faith and then the word 'Hope' came up in your sentance about buying the new baby something I used to go to school with a girl called Hope - it sometimes, now, makes me wonder if her family had gone through difficult times and maybe she was there hope?

All will be well my love....all will be well

lottiejenkins · 23/10/2008 15:15

FMN........ i know what you mean about Christmas........Jacks birthday is 22nd December...... we will be in London this year on that day on our way to Paris, i held my niece the Chmas that Jack was born she was 6 weeks old then! I dont really enjoy Christmas now because of it. This is the song that reminds me of Jack... it was No 1 the Christmas he was born.
uk.youtube.com/watch?v=V4jLfCjlYD0

OP posts:
shabster · 23/10/2008 15:18

...oh Lottie xxx Its also Dan and Gareths 27th birthday on the 28th December. New Years eve was my third day when the reality hit me about Gareths severe heart problems and my real baby blues hit hard. I despise New Years eve

Repeat after me Shabs!! ALL WILL BE WELL, ALL WILL BE WELL

shabster · 23/10/2008 15:19

Trying to talk myself into my own way of thinking now!!!

charleymouse · 23/10/2008 16:35

Benjamin and/or George were going to be Faith and/or Hope after the stressful pregnancy with all its ups and downs. We did not know what combo we were expecting. As it was they were neither as don't think identical boys would suit those names.

FMN Benjamin has a blue bauble with his name on and a little pot Angel with his name on on our tree. I would gladly pick you (or anyone else for that matter) one up, if they do not have the name you want they will paint it on for you. Tis only small so could easily post if you like.

Not keen on New Year myself so much anymore after my Dad dropped down dead from a massive hert attack on 3rd January. This was Number one (I had bought it DH for a christmas present) and he can't play it anymore and if I hear it I lose the plot.

It certainly is a Mad World

charleymouse · 23/10/2008 16:39

Sorry I am supposed to be lifting us up aren't I. Not doing a very good job am I? Don't answer that will you.

Here we go.

Let's have some fun

lottiejenkins · 23/10/2008 16:43

My lovely lovely friend has two daughters the youngest is called Faith Primrose!

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shabster · 23/10/2008 16:58

Charley you are a nutter!!

My friends little girl is called Joy - born after trying for years for children

lottiejenkins · 23/10/2008 17:16

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=pwXSqWVXACE

This is Wilfs and my "happy song" it was the first piece of music he "got" he was upstairs playing and felt the vibes through the floorboards and came down and started dancing!!

OP posts:
hazygirl · 23/10/2008 18:01

hi girls christmas aint the same is it we gave the girls and jayden advent calendar and opened the no 1 at seven oclock with them ,he was laid in travel cot laughing away ,really giggling i said to dh he wants picking up ,oh hes fine where he is ,said dh.i remeber going out to meet mates and saying to dh at last hes coming on ,we had a couple of drinks thenwent to kfc for my youngest dd a burger,ot home 10 past 10 and then my eldest dd screamed down phone dad he wont breathe. w jumped in car ,and drove the 3 streets away,dd neighbour was kneeling on path doing cp on jayden after dd had jumped ot of window with him as in panic lost keys.
dd screamed at dd make him breathe,dad you can do it,my god did he try everyone did ,but at 10 to midnite he was gone,seventy five days exactly after the day he was born to the minute,
i bought advent calendars last year but didnt open them ith the girls

feedmenow · 23/10/2008 18:08

So Christmas pretty much sucks for most of you then!

feedmenow · 23/10/2008 18:08

Sorry, that sounded rather trite - really wasn't meant to. xx

Tiamummy · 23/10/2008 18:09

What should i be doing, when i am feeling so lost. It's the first day i've not seen her, and i'm not coping. We've both been pretty much silent most of the day, with me just pouring with tears.

hazygirl · 23/10/2008 18:22

its ok to cry

travellingwilbury · 23/10/2008 19:27

Tias mummy there is no right and wrng thing to do

This is shit but I promise you it will become less shit

I know that is not that helpful but it is the truest thing I could think off

travellingwilbury · 23/10/2008 20:00

I am so sorry that I can't come up with the right words to bring you some comfort but I really don't think those words exist .

BUt please know that you have a lot of people here who are thinking of you and Tia and are here when you are ready to talk .

I know that I and many others would love to know more about your little girl and you if and when you feel up to it

xxx

shabster · 23/10/2008 20:31

Shit is the only word to describe it my loves. Shit, Shite and any other concoction of the word. After Matt was killed our entire world fell apart. Both myself and my husband were made redundant and fell behind with bills. They re-possessed our home a few months later etc etc etc etc.

The only thing I can advise is that you must try to look after yourself. Try to eat and try to sleep. Be kind to yourself and try not to say to people when asked how you are - the dreaded words I always say 'IM FINE THANKS.'

I hate those words.

As for crying my love, cry until you cant cry anymore....please stay with us we will all try to help xx

Tiamummy · 23/10/2008 20:59

It's all i can do. This pain won't ever stop will it. I miss my baby it hurts, so how can i ever not hurt anymore. Yesterday was bad but in all honesty i think today has been much worse ten fold. She was my perfect angel and she's gone, and all i do is cry.
Someone just showed me the candle thing that was done which has tipped me to be honest, i can't believe people did that for us

frasersmummy · 23/10/2008 21:01

tias mummy..

all of a sudden after weeks of activity and difficult decisions.. there is nothing... and you just sit there thinking what now..

and unfortunately they only thing there is now is a changed future

for the next few days you wontdo much except ask questions to which there are no answers, sitting in silence and crying your heart out

its important to acknowlege your grief, cry scream, do whatever you feel is right..

we are here to listen ..

as you will see sometimes we go off on daft tangents but dont let that put you off saying hey I need some support

sending you hugs tonight

shabster · 23/10/2008 21:07

I think the pain softens as time rolls by. But even many years afterwards it can jump up and get you again! If we didnt love our precious babies it wouldnt hurt this bad my darling.

xxxx

Tiamummy · 23/10/2008 21:15

I don't feel i've got a purpose anymore. Tia was my purpose and our future, and without her there's a nothing now.

When she was born it felt like my life had really begun but she's left us and i can't get my head around her not being here. We were planning her first Christmasi'd even ordered a stocking with her name on. What am i going to do with that now

frasersmummy · 23/10/2008 21:29

Oh tiasmummy.. can you cancel it.. I would have thought if you explained it any decent co they would say thats ok..

if not maybe it could be the start of your precious memories box..

In reality you will probs receive . throw it accross the room in temper and then burst into tears . all perfectly normal..

lottiejenkins · 23/10/2008 23:23

Frasersmum..........i would like you take over the thread when Jacks thread finishes........... ive thought long and hard about who should come next and i think it should be you! Jacks thread seems to have whizzed past very quickly and i thought i ought to appoint a worthy successor! Heres the baton FM when Jacks thousand messages run out xxxxxxx

OP posts:
charleymouse · 23/10/2008 23:48

Tiamummy I feel your pain sweetheart I really do.

My DH just asked why I was looking down and I just cried for you as I told him what you were trying to cope with.

She won't cope yet he said it is too early and too raw. I'm afraid he is probably right. It is very early days my love very early days. The pain does not go away but you get better at coping with it. I can sit and cry all day and night and obsess about things whereas DH bottles it up and said to me recently he can not think to much about what happened or it would drive him to the edge. We all have our coping mechanisms but remember yours and your DHs may be different and allow each other the space to grieve both together and apart.

The first of everything was difficult for me. I do not mean to depress you and you may not find it the same as I have but maybe forewarned is forearmed. I found the first few days after the funeral really difficult as I had nothing to plan/arrange or deal with anymore. I also found out just after the funeral that my DTs were identical and that is a mixed blessing in itself. I have not sorted out a headstone for B yet as in my head that would finalise things (as if not having one makes a jot of a difference) he is not coming back whether there is a stone in the ground or not.

I am not coping so well having gone back to work a few months ago as there are still casual aquaintances who knew I was expecting twins who I bump into and ask me how they are. I end up comforting them as they are so remorseful that they may have upset me by asking.

I found comfort from people and things where I least expected it from. Unfortunately some of the people who I expected it from let me down.

Benjamin has a memory box with some hair his foot/handprints, photos and other precious things. My DH bought me a gold locket which I put a small lock of his hair in.

I'm not sure why I am saying all this as it is probably no comfort to any of you but sometimes it is just useful to get things off your chest and it helps to know you are not the only one gong through something. Unfortunatley no-one even those of us who have lost a child feel your pain in exactly the same way as you do but we do share some common experiences and hopefully we can pull each other along this road.

I echo what TW has put if you feel up to it please share with us some of your precious memories of Tia. A lot of us have pics of our babies/children on our profile pages. You can set one up fairly easily and you can limit who can view it.

Sorry Tiamumy for rambling on at you. Another thing with MN there is quite often someone around at most hours of the day given there are some late/early birds and people in different time zones.

Anyway I had better get off before I make an even bigger fool of myself, sleep tight. Night night.

shabster · 24/10/2008 01:27

OMG Charley - you describe your feelings so very well....it makes me want to cry. Oh sweetheart.

Tiasmummy - you have climbed into my mind!! i wake up every morning and wonder how you are. I want to try and explain to you that everything will be ok. I dont have the words to explain this properly I just have the experiences behind me that you are starting to have. Please stay with this wonderful bunch of ladies......we all learn from each other and try to help each other.

Lottie - fantastic choice - FRASERSMAMMY - that is so fab.

Thank you Eris, thank you baby girl.....you are my angel who has brought to me some lovley friends xxxxx

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