For Bereaved Mummies. Remembering Jack and our other precious little ones... the sharing of hurt is the beginnning of healing.

[lottiejenkins]

Third time lucky........ Thanks to Shabs and FMN. I hope i can carry the baton as well as you did. I havent made a good start though. Things can only get better.........

Hope this is right!

Happy Sunday all!

I was just reading one of Tiasmum's threads, poor lady. But there are lots of people trying to help her out, so that is good.

Thank you all for your thoughts on the service. Dp and I have decided we will go. I'm still not 100% sure but, as with most things in life, you have to give it a go to know. If I end up really disliking it, I'll know not to go to one in future, I suppose.

Lottie, I don't know why but I'm constantly surprised by your drunken galavants!!

Mel, hope you had fun with the pumkins! Sounds rather intriguing really. Although that could just be my imagination.....picture a load of pumpkins with faces on big wheels and carousels

Hazy, glad to hear fil is getting out and about. What is the long term prognosis, if you don't mind me asking?

We have all had a lovely weekend, with beautiful sunshine. So nice to be outside a bit! Went to St Albans today where a friend lives. her, her dp and another 2 friends ran 10K in the Herts run today so we all met up and went for some lunch. Even got to sit outside in the garden! And I had Eton Mess for pud - I've never had it before, would you believe!

I got back earlier this afternoon from the babyloss service....... i said a prayer for our loved and missed babies xxxxxxxx

Thanks Lottie! xxxxx

Hope you don't mind, but can I butt in please?
I've been lurking on here for a long time now, but have never been able to post.
My daughter Isabelle was still-born 4 months ago today, when I was 36+4wks pregnant. She was our first child.
I'm finding it really so hard to deal with the loss and the guilt I feel (I had pre-eclampsia, and they couldn't get me stabilised in time to do a C-section).
I hate it that I've caused so much upset to my darling husband and all the rest of our families.
Does it ever get any easier? You all seem so strong, but I feel so pathetic and can't seem to see a way forward.

Please do not think that you are pathetic at all you are a grieving mummy like the rest of us........ i dont mean that to sound harsh but dont be hard on yourself... there are lots of us here who will try and help you.............

So glad you posted IzzieM - so sorry we have had to meet like this BUT still glad you came.

Of course, you must realise, it is not your fault darling - why would you ever want to make everyone sad? I had pre-eclampsia when I was carrying my twins so I really know how scary it is.

You must be devestated - your first baby as well. You are in the very early stages of grief and I wouldn't like to go back to those first few weeks. Please, please dont think that anyone is blaming you my love.

I, personally, am not strong I have just got used to pretending, always pretending. All the girls on here will help - we have all felt the way you do right now.

Im so sorry you lost your little girl, so very sorry. I wish I could bring her back for you but I cant. I will listen and try to help in any way I can. xxxx

izzies mum

I'm sorry to meet you this way but glad you have come to join us

if you've been lurking you will know that we are all at different stages along this crappy road. honestly we are not any stronger than you .. just a bit further down the road

Its still such early days for you...the pain will be very raw right now. I know everyone will tell you this but it does get easier. It will take a long long time but it will get easier. As this thread will testify to the hurt and sense of loss never goes away but you learn to live with it.

My first little boy was stillborn 4.5 years ago and I felt incredibly guilty as well but what happened to you and your dd isabelle is in no way your fault. I know you dont believe that right now.. but eventually you will

The best advice I have right now is not to be too hard on yourself .. allow yourself time to grieve

we are all here to help

Thanks for your messages.
I just don't know how I'm meant to be feeling or what I'm meant to be doing. People say that we should try to get back to normal, but I don't know what normal is anymore.
Normal would be having Izzie here with us. This time last year we were in Italy, which is where we think I conceived. I just keep thinking what we were doing this time last year, and what we should be doing now.
It doesn't help that I'm known for being a bit of a control freak (at work in particular, although I'm sure my husband would say I'm the same at home too!) and I'm so not in control at the moment.
I just miss her so much.

FMN with regards to the remberance service without sounding distasteful or offencive - we sat on the back row so if it got too much for us we could sneak out without being noticed or offending anyone, just a suggestion?
Tahnks the pumpkin festival was actually really fun! they had a scarecrow competition, loads of free things for kids to do, free face painting but the catch was the parent had to do it- even though im trained in media and theatrical make up I thought it would be a laugh to let my DH do my eldests face LOL. My dads pumpkin came 6th so not too bad, they had BBC film crew there so could see us on TV in a few days.

Thanks Lottie x

Izziesmummy so sorry for your loss, the others are right you are in no way to blame for what happened to your DD, my son was stillborn almost 3years ago and I blamed myself at the time but now I realise I had no control over it at all, it was nothing I done wrong- he had a knot in his umbilcal cord, no one could of known. Theres things that we have no control over and guilt is part of the greiving process. You cant blame yourself for something you have no control over, I hope you find some help and advice on this thread, thinking of you and your family.

Hi to everyone else. x

izziesmum

You cant (no matter how much you want to ) go back

There are 3 of you in the family now.. someday there may be 4 or even 5 of you but for now there are 3 of you so your "normal" now will be different to how it was before.

Do you have a job to go back to.. I remember that being one of the worst early milestones... I was going back p/time as a mummy and instead I went back full time

I shuddered just now because I remembered the early grief.....OMG the grief that you cant make any sense of....the people who dont know and ask you how the baby is....the feeling that you are falling into a black hole when you go to sleep....the physical pain....the feeling that you cant breathe.

I agree with all my friends on here - be kind to yourself my love. Take your time and talk to us on here...the more you tell your story the better.

Life will never be 'normal' again..it will be different and, in time, your feelings will soften.

I've got to bite the bullet here and say hello here or else i am truly going to go mad. We lost our only and first daughter Tia a few weeks ago when she was only 4 months old. Life will never be the same againfor me or my husband. He doesnt't want me on here, so i'm doing this in secret at the moment until he comes around to the idea

Hiya Tiamummy - Im glad you came BUT wish you didn't have to.

Men are not great talkers are they? My husband used to bottle everything up and he ended up having a breakdown after we lost our two sons. He would drink so much and then become really violent. He still finds it hard to talk about and does not remember how he was with me. It came very close to ruining our marriage.

I hate the fact that our little group are growing but so glad that we have each other. xx

I walk around in a daze most the time not even knowing what i'm meant to be doing. We've had the order from the coroner but we can't let her go yetbut we both know we have to soon. How though. It's breaking our hearts.

hi tiamummy

I am so sorry about your dd.. do you want to tell us what happened.?

Your dh is probably just worrying that you in your vunerable state you will get more upset talking about tia or hearing other people's sad stories

Perhaps as someone suggested on your previous thread you show your dh the caring responses you have already received.. but only you know how we will react to that. Just remember at the end of the day you are in this together.. tia was his little girl too

right am off to bed.. speak to you all tomorrow

Night Frasersmammy xxx

Hi Frasersmummy - yes, I am back at work.
I went back after about 10 weeks because I was driving myself mad at home on my own. But it's not turned out how I thought it would.
Some people have been wonderful (in fact, I don't think I could have got through the last 4 months without a couple of the girls I work with) but mostly it's been awful.
For the last 2 and 1/2 years I'd been working on one particular project which is due to complete around Christmas (I'm a commercial contracts/projects lawyer). But since I've been back, I've been taken off that(despite me specifically saying before I came back that I wanted to go back to working on that - in fact, that was the only reason I went back to work so soon).
But my boss said that we're now short-staffed as two other women in my team went on maternity leave in September and apparently I'm now needed to help cover their work-load whilst they're on maternity leave! I hate it. I'm meant to be on my own maternity leave.
Every day is such a struggle and I need to know when it will get better. It's the not knowing that I find hard to deal with. If I knew how long feeling like this was going to last, then I might be able to deal with it better. But I can't see there ever being a time when I'll stop blaming myself of feeling guilty for what happened. And I can't stand seeing my husband so upset. And I can't comfort him, as it's all my fault.

Good morning girls xx

morning girlsxxxxxxxxxx

Hiya Hazy - got to try and get DH and Tom out of their pits and up and at 'em!!

Morning.............xxxx

morning everyone

ooh izziesmum...I just wish I could put my arms around you right now

I dont have the answers you need right now .. unfortunately no-one does

My dear dad is a great believer in getting through life in very small chunks to begin with

eg bury yourself in your work for an hour.. and at the end of the hour.. think oh good thats an hour i havent felt guilty or i havent cried . As time goes on you will find you can get through bigger chunks eg you can get to lunchtime before feeling like crap

You will find that as the months pass you will be get longer and longer bright spells in between feeling bad

and stick with us here and we will help you realise each step you take along this road

oh and your bosses are horrid.. imagine makeing you cover someone's mat leave .. of course that will make you feel bad .. heartless gits

I agree with everying FrasersM said my love....wise words FM xxxx

Just a quickie before I leave work for the day to pick up the dc's/

Hi to Izziesmum and Tiasmum. I have lots I can say to you both right now but don't have the time before I leave. Will log on later.....x

Mel, glad the pumpkin thing was fun. Actually sounds like a lovely family day out!

Shabs, glad you liked my piccie! Now you can think of me swigging tequila while I think of you as a leprachaun!