Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

For Bereaved Mummies. Remembering Jack and our other precious little ones... the sharing of hurt is the beginnning of healing.

1000 replies

lottiejenkins · 10/09/2008 14:01

Third time lucky........ Thanks to Shabs and FMN. I hope i can carry the baton as well as you did. I havent made a good start though. Things can only get better.........

OP posts:
shabster · 22/09/2008 09:59

If you think you are going insane - that's normal,
If all you can do is cry - that's normal.
If you have trouble with the most minor decisions - that's normal.
If you can't taste your food or have any semblance of an appetite - that's normal.
If you have feelings of rage, denial and depression - that's normal.
If you find yourself enjoying a funny moment and immediately feel guilty - thats normal.
If your friends dwindle away and you feel like you have the plague - that's normal.
If your blood boils and the hair in your nose curls when someone tells you 'It was God's will - that's normal.
If you can't talk about it but you can smash dishes, shred up and old 'phone book' or kick the dustbin down the street - that's normal.
If you can share your story, your feelings, with an understanding listener....another bereaved parent - thats a beginning.
If you can get a glimmer of your childs life, rather than their death - thats wonderful.
If you can remember your child with a smile - that's healing.
If you find your mirrors have become windows and you are able to reach out to other bereaved parents - that's growing.

shabster · 22/09/2008 10:01

I still cry often. I still have days when I feel I cant go on. I still long to see Matt and Gareth again.

BUT I am slowly getting 'better' now I can talk about my boys and laugh about the funny things they did. It has changed my whole outlook on life. I try to live for the day and do the best I can do each day.

There is 'light at the end of the tunnel' its just that sometimes it doesn't shine very brightly xxx

babyangels · 22/09/2008 10:03

Thats rings true, it is definately getting easier (which worries me as it is so soon and makes me feel guilty like I am dishonouring his memory).

babyangels · 22/09/2008 10:06

Is there anything that I can do or say to make it slightly better. I have spent a fortune this week on printing photos, buying clothes and jewellry, engraving and general shopping for her (none of which I mind in the slightest) as I feel like I am doing something but I don't know if it is helping her or making me feel better.

shabster · 22/09/2008 10:06

I dont know why....
I'll never know why....
I don't have to know why...
I don't like it...
I don't have to like it.

What I do have to do is make a choice about my living, what I do want to do is accept it and go on living. The choice is mine.

I can go on living, valuing every moment in a way I never did before. Or I can destroyed by it and, in turn, destroy others.

I thought I was immortal, that my children and family were also, that tragedy happened only to others....But I know now that life is tenuous and valuable.

And I choose to go on living, making the most of the time I have and valuing my family and friends in a way I never experienced before.

(I found this in a book many years ago and, for me, it says it all)

shabster · 22/09/2008 10:09

I think anything you do to show how much you love her will mean so much. Maybe ironing, cooking, cleaning for her. Dont ask if there is anything you can do - just do it Also don't be afraid to cry in front of her - holding our emotions in is of no help at all. Most of all just hold her. xxx

babyangels · 22/09/2008 10:18

Thankyou agsin for your advice, I have really struggled to keep it together infront of her. Just want to do anything that will help. xxx

shabster · 22/09/2008 10:23

Keep coming back onto this thread. All the girls on here will help. Take care xx

travellingwilbury · 22/09/2008 10:57

Hi Babyangels

I am really sorry if I have made you worry more than you already were but for a lot of people that poem does ring true , especially in the early days . And by early days I mean 2-3 yrs .For me the poem is truthful becuase I find that as the yrs go on not many people are willing to bring his name into conversation and I will miss him forever .

I made a decision quite early on (about 18mths on) that I would live and carry on with my life for Harry and for my family . I have gone on to have two gorgeous boys and as much as I have still have my dark times I find that digging myself out of the hole gets easier with time .
A bereavement counsellour once told me that in time I would grow the muscles needed to carry this grief with me and that is true for me , but every now and again one of these muscles sprains and I am a mess again but I know now even when I am a mess that it will end and I will be ok again which is something I didn't get in the beginning .

For me I can honestly say that I have gone on to have good times in my life and happy times but every happy time is not as bright as it would have been with Harry in it .
It sounds like you are doing all the right things and I will stop waffling now

travellingwilbury · 22/09/2008 11:00

I also wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your nephew and all the other children on here .

It is truly heart breaking to listen to all these stories

babyangels · 22/09/2008 11:07

TW

Please dont feel that you are waffling, I'll take all the advice I can get. It's nice to know that you have been able to move your life on and have more children. I know my sister wants another sibling for her son so will try again in the future as do I want another at some point. Its good to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I will also keep talking about him and keep his memory alive. We are going to start raising money for the scbu that took care of him, so hopefully that will also give her some comfort. xx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 22/09/2008 11:36

Welcome Wilbury, but like others have said, it's a shame it's in these circumstances.

I'm so sorry to hear about your little Harry. I also lost my little boy (Cole) and have since gone on to have another baby (15 days old today!) Your posts have really struck a chord with me. I too had to make a decision to 'carry on' and have developed another muscle to carry this awful burden of grief.

Babyanngels I'm so sorry to hear your story too. It sounds like you are such a thoughtful sister.

Morning to all of the usual motley crew too xxx

babyangels · 22/09/2008 11:42

Congratulations ILTMIMI on the birth of your baby. You dont need me to tell you this but enjoy every second (even the sleepless nights).

charleymouse · 22/09/2008 11:42

Morning Ladies

Hi TW welcome, I am a lurker new poster also just getting to know these ladies, so sorry to hear about Harry. That poem is one I have read before and yes it is so true.

BabyAngels so sorry for your sister and your loss. Does your nephew have a name? Don't feel you have to hold it together for her, she may welcome a good sob. Life does go on but for the immediate aftermath you feel like it won't, then shouldn't, and then accept it does but you within it are different.

I visited Benjamins grave yesterday, the grass has been cut and has overgrown his plot now so it looks better with no bare soil. FIL had taken flowers recently so they were still there, as was his duck from Easter and the remnants of his helium balloon from his birthday. It was a lovely sunny day and DS sat on his brother and patted the ground and DD ran about trying to catch grasshoppers (and got sheep poo all over her Lelli kellis). Unfortunately I met a lady there who had miscarried her baby at 9 weeks last weeks so we gave each other a hug and a knowing smile.

Hope you all had a good weekend take care love CM

babyangels · 22/09/2008 11:47

His name is Elijah.

mel1981 · 22/09/2008 11:50

Hi all! TW and babyangels so sorry for both of your/your family's losses and sorry that we have to meet like this.
TW -that poem is lovely...had me in tears but it is so true.
Babyangels- Although everyone reacts differently It will take along time for your sister to heal. there will always be anniversary's of 'things' that will remind her, like when the baby was due, birthdays, when school should be starting, etc. Its been 3 years for me at xmas and I still cry- I have good days and bad days.
All you can do is what your doing now supporting her in anyway you can shopping, housework, etc but most importantly if she wants to cry or talk let her. Theres TOO MANY people who will avoid the subject or even her because they dont know what to say or do. I know ive been there, as im sure most of us on here have.
Thinking of you, your siter and her family x

hazygirl · 22/09/2008 15:13

hi girls and sorry to everyone here on the loss of our angels,im sat here on my own in tears of the verse ,its so true.
my dd amazes me how she has carried on and jayden is still here as part of the family ,that is one think if you cant talk about them ,its like they dont excist any more and a lot of people chsnge subject and i want to scream.
it is 21 months since jayden died,our whole life changed ,nothing is the same yes were alive still but different people.

Original poster
lottiejenkins · 22/09/2008 15:14

Hi all........my computer might be going in for repair in a little while.......so if im not online dont panic!!!!!!

OP posts:
Kat172 · 22/09/2008 15:52

Hey ladies Hey Tw hunny You doing ok darling, Havent heard from you in a while,
Isabella im sorry for your loss darling hows your sister managing, i lost my daughter aged 22 months in March and it feel like yeserday some times so raw

Kat172 · 22/09/2008 15:56

id also liek to say chatting with others that have been there has been a great help.

travellingwilbury · 22/09/2008 16:14

Hello all again and a big hug to Kat . How you doing ? I haven't seen you around for a while . I miss seeing Macys pics about (and you of course )

Kat172 · 22/09/2008 20:59

Im ok Sarah hun managing day by day, i start
work on wednesday so that will be a big step, 7 months already gone so quick

shabster · 22/09/2008 22:23

Good evening ladies - everybody ok?

mel1981 · 22/09/2008 22:50

Hi shabs, im good. Hayden had his 1st full day at school today, come 12.30 I was lost didnt know what to do! I think Rhys was a bit bored too& he was clingy for the rest of the afternoon. At least hayden will sleep well tonight.
Hows you?

shabster · 22/09/2008 22:57

bit down in the dumps - 'over celebrated' my team - Man Citys - great victory yesterday and have paid the price all day

Myself and my two lovely mates had a very giddy night!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.