Widows and Widowers of Mumsnet Unite. Time for a bit of support.

[Yorkiegirl]

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I am dreading our anniversary which is in August, the loneliness is what is getting to me now. It is like a core of aloneness that isn't helped by anyone else other than DH being with me. Did any of you feel like this? I almost feel as if people can see it when I am out somewhere. Everywhere I turn at home he isn't there and it seems unbearable at times. Hope you get through the day OK MummytoTandF,hope that things are OK with you OJ, are you still in Lanzarote?

We are back from Scotland. It was good to be busy and in the company of other people. We go to Cornwall next week.

My worst time is when I go to bed at night. Getting to sleep is sometimes hard, and when I do drop off I wake after about an hour and then can't get back to sleep

I keep having the most awful pangs of loneliness, I so miss being able to talk things over with him

Exactly MB, I keep wanting to discuss all the decisions I am making with DH, there are so many of them and of course he is not there. The nights are hard, the bed seems very lonely in the middle of the night.

know what you mean about not sleeping I haven't slept properly for the last year, we are still in lanzarote I haven't had a conversation with an adult since Thursday when my mate went home, I struggle to make choices these days and I miss so many things about Steve, he always made me feel valued and good about myself now I struggle with confidence, thou being out here alone with the kids makes me feel stronger In some wAys but I know on Thursday we fly back home to 2 weeks of mail and phonecalls.

New to MN (but not to MW site, hello some of you) my DH died 18 months ago when I was pregnant with our first child. Still eating crap, can't get round to cooking myself anything nutritionally valuable when dealing with the whole childcare, household, admin, grieving and getting out of the house at weekends to avoid being lonely burdens .... but it's getting better.

I originally came onto MN in search of some like-minded support in terms of being a lone parent ... but there is a lot of pain on many of those threads about absent / ex husbands. So thank you YorkieGirl for this thread. Good to find support with parents in similar situations. So sorry for everyone who has posted here already.

Can I gate crash please. I am not a widow myself but my father died very suddenly aged 36 5 days before Christmas leaving my mum aged 40 to cope with 3 of us under 12.

I can relate to so much of what you all say about family events etc. I so missed my dad at these and yet my mum was always there for us. it used to break my heart seeing her sitting there alone. How strong she must have been and you all too. choking back the tears at work now !!

I am a trustee of Noah's Ark which is a bereavement charity here in Worcestershire/Herefordshire which provides counselling and support for children. How I wish we could have had something all those years ago to help us deal with the pain. I would urge all of you to investigate if there is something similar in your area or email me if you are local and need help.

On a sep note I would like to add some support to you all for free. I am a probate solicitor. If any of you get stuck with paperwork or legals please email or CAT me. I would be delighted and honoured to help.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
MP x

Mummypoppins what a lovely kind person you are, I am sorry for your loss even though it was so long ago. Your poor mum, it must have been very hard for her with a young family. Could I ask you is it correct that everyone doesn't need probate, I have spoken to the probate office and they basically said unless anyone asks for it I don't need it and I can just get on with sorting out DH's affairs. I found this odd as I had always thought it was something you had to do.

Hi Evenstar that is correct.

Anything in your joint names passes automatically to you. Just present the bank / building society / land Registry or whoever with a death certificate and they should take DH's name off. No pressure to do it now. Just when you are ready. If you are not sure which land registry to write to then post your postcode or CAT me and I can look p the address for you and let you have the wording for the letter.

Anything in DH's sole name is slightly different. Generally if there is less than £5k in the account the bank will not require a grant of probate.Some banks helpfully have a higher limit than that. Be guided by what they ask for.

If the house is in DH's sole name then that is a different matter and will depend on whether he left a will. Please ask if you get stuck.

Just a word of caution to all your ladies and gents. Do return passports and driving licences for cancellation . I know is upsetting I deal with it every day but it would be worse to find that years down the line a criminal had posed as DH or DW and stolen the passport or driving licence details to obtain credit or launder money. If any of you would like the addresses of where to write and a standard letter to use then please email me.........hollygreenfarmhouse at btinternet dot com.

Good night.May you all sleep peacefully with your own guardian angels who are watching you. As a teenager when I thought I was doing something that my mother would disapprove of I always felt that my father knew anyway as he was a twinkling star in heaven so I might as well confess LOL !!

ooops. forgot I changed my name earlier....cover blown!!ROFL

Thanks for that Mummypoppins, it just seemed strange as I really thought you had to do something "official". I have noted your address and may be in touch if I get stuck, thank you very much. I have done a lot of paperwork and changed accounts. I did the passport and driving licence very early on as you say it would be worse if there was identity fraud, but it is hard you feel as though their identity has gone .

so, how is everyone doing?

Some bad days for me OJ, how are you? Do you think the break has been good for you and the DC's? I hope the paperwork hasn't built up too much for you it is overwhelming isn't it?

i am sure there are lots of bad days, how are you doing with the paperwork?
i phoned up council tax today cos if you are the only over 18 year old in the house you get a 25% discount.

Just plodding on with the paperwork and phonecalls OJ as I am sure you are, I knew about the council tax but my eldest DS turns 18 next month and as the Child Benefit stops then only 3 months discount. Haven't applied yet as I am applying for Income Support which will give me cover for the whole amount and I thought it might confuse the issue. Hope having a break from it all for a couple of weeks has helped you a bit.

did you get widowed parents allowance?

i couldn't claim berevement allowance as i am under 45, who made that rule?

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I haven't got anything yet OJ, but my understanding is that if you are under 45 and getting child benefit you get widowed parents allowance and if you are over 45 you get bereavement allowance, it's an either/or situation. I don't know if that helps.

Glad you had a good holiday Yorkiegirl, I am visiting friends for the day on 17 August and I think it will feel very strange and sad to go without DH, they are close friends of over 20 years standing and we have always been four. It would have been our 21st wedding anniversary next Friday, I am planning to take flowers to DH's grave, but I know it will be a hard day, last year for our 20th we had a family meal out and really celebrated, we had already started to think about our 25th and what we would do for that. This year would also have been special and we had planned a meal out to celebrate anniversay, DS1's 18th and A level results and DD's GCSE results, I am sad that DH is missing so many things already.

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You can also claim if you were in a civil partnership, but obviously I was married so not a problem for me. Thanks for the hug

Hi there. I just saw this tread tonight. I was introduced to this site by my sis a few days ago.
I am widowed just 3wks.my dh died at 40 of cancer. He left me with 4 dds.12,11 and 6yr old twins. I feel as if i am wakeing up to a night mare every morning.
He was diagnosed last year Jan 07 with cancer of the pancreas, and scan in nov 07 showed clear of all cells. Then the shock in April to find it had returned in the liver. He had 10 wks after that. the odds were 3 to 6 mths. as a nurse said to me. its a nasty F*er, that does not help. I still want him. We were 2 halves of a coin. I know i will be ok with time. Its the 4 girls i wory about. i lost a partner they lost a dad. its those memories. Sorry i kept going on there.

I was widowed at the end of June, gingerino's sister, I can't say it gets any easier. Do you get some time alone? My two younger children have gone to their grandma's for a holiday as they always do in the summer, and I am finding it helps not to have to keep a front up for them all the time. Hope you managed to sleep again, take care.

welcome gingerinosister, sorry to hear that your husband died and only three weeks ago,
it is very early days for you all, my husband died 7 weeks ago after 10 months of knowing he had a terminal brain tumour.
we have 14 year old twin girls and a son who is 11, i am going out now but will be back later on, mumsnet is fab and i have also found merrywidow site is fab too lots of people who have the tee-shirts and know the road ahead.

Evenstar,Hello, i have had very little time on my own. Every day i end up with someone on the door. I visited my sister to get a break from it. i am not home 24hrs and i had a caller. some times i dont mind. other times i just want to start with moving on with things. I am taking a very good friend that helped me with furneral arrangments away for three days next wk as a thank you. This will also help me a lot. I was in the wardrobe this morning and i could not look at his clothes. I have not been able to power off his phone(dont want to)and when i got home last nite it was flashing a message(from network provider)but it upset me still. He is buried on a hill. It is a hard climb but i love it. The 4 dds came with me and i am just back from there. it will get more and more difficult to do this as winter draws in but i find great peace there. Hello onlyjoking this is a great forum.my sister introduced me to it last week. to both of you how are you dealing with widowhood. i have had so many challanges to face including my dhs mother,