Widows and Widowers of Mumsnet Unite. Time for a bit of support.

[Yorkiegirl]

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Have posted on your other thread Vic, but see on here that you have not yet had funeral. Please feel free to post if there is anything you want to know about the service/practical side or just for some support. Thinking of you.

Belated Happy New Year to you all. How did everyone cope over Christmas, especially those of us coping without our partners for the first time? I got through by making it as different as possible to our usual Christmas. We normally stayed at home and had Christmas by ourselves. This year I visited just about every relative we have plus spent Christmas Day with a good friend. It did help but it was still hard and I'm glad it's over. It feels like a huge hurdle is over but has left me feeling very low. I've cried for DH more since Christmas than at any other time since he died. I think I've been numb and the numbness is wearing off now.

How did everyone else get through Christmas? I hope you all managed to find some small happiness among the grief and that all the children were able to get some normality and pleasure from it.

Hi Everlong. No, I haven't been for any counselling but I'm not really a counselling person. I'm very lucky that I have a good circle of very supportive friends and I have a cry on their shoulders and talk things out if I need to. I don't think there's anything counselling could give me that they don't. If I ever felt that had changed, I think our Macmillan nurse would be my first contact. She came to see me a couple of times after DH died and I know I can go back to her any time I need to. I just don't feel I need it right now. In a strange way, I'm glad the grief hurts so much now. When DH first died, I hardly cried at all and just got on with coping but I sometimes felt guilty that I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would and that in some way that was a betrayal of DH. Now it really has hit me and, while it's bad, I know it's normal and it's something I will cope with.

The boys are doing really, really well. We talk about DH often and have many pictures of him around the house. They like to look at 'Daddy's star' every night and we have a special plant in the garden where DH's ashes are and we decorated that for Christmas. Every Sunday, we have Sunday dinner and we always say 'cheers' with our drinks. It's something we've always done and now they say 'cheers Daddy' to the empty chair which breaks my heart but it's something they came up with by themselves and it's obviously their way of remembering him. They're still sleeping in my bed, DS2 almost every night, DS1 about once a week but I'm happy with that. They'll stop when they're ready. They're still not very keen on me going out and, since DH died in August, I've only had two evenings out, both of those to school meetings which only lasted a couple of hours and which started after they went to bed. They're getting better, though, and I'm hoping to manage a couple more evenings out soon.

Hi Mummydoit, glad to see that you have got through Christmas OK. We too changed things a bit and had lots of visitors for Christmas and New Year and tried to keep cheerful. It was really not as bad as I thought it would be, but I too have had some low days since Christmas. I think the cold weather and short days are not helping. Your children sound as though they are doing brilliantly, I don't know if you have considered joining the Widowed and Young Foundation they do events for families too www.wayfoundation.org.uk/. I have only been for one meet up so far, but had a very pleasant meal and chat with 3 other widows. Weather permitting I am taking my two youngest for a walk in a country park with some other families on Sunday and there is a family pizza meal out in February. Take care of yourself x.

Everlong, glad to see you around and hope that you are doing OK. Take care x

Hi all,

This is my first post here on this thread. My husband died suddenly on August 11th last year from a heart attack. At the time our children were three and just ten weeks old. I miss him so much... it's a physical ache. I#m slowly putting one step in front of the other - i have to for the children, but i would like nothing better then to crawl up into a ball and lock the world out. We're in the middle of moving from the home we shared with hubbs, as it's an adapted bungalow for the disable - he was disabled - and now the council need it for someone else, so we have to move. It's hard though, packing things up... packing out lives together away.

My little boy misses him so so much. They doted on each other and i've tried to be as honest as is possible with him about what's happened. But he gets really angry at times - complete rages that are totaly out of character for him. I've spoken to my Dr, my HV, Winstons Wish... and there are just no services to help berevead children in our area - i'm in south wales - so i guess i just have to try and cope withit all the best i can.

It's hard though.

Hi Deemented, glad you found this thread though I wish it didn't have to exist. You're at almost exactly the same stage as me as my DH died on 25th August, though it was expected as he'd been battling cancer for 18 months. My boys are older than your children - 6 and almost 5 - but I'm getting a lot of anger from the 6 year old. It's not directly about DH, it's just things like flying off the handle when he's told off about the smallest thing. I guess it's their way of coping with the grief and we just have to weather it. It is hard, especially when it's so out of character as DS1 is normally such a happy little chap.

I'm really sorry you're having to move out of your home. That must be so hard.

It's a shame there are no services in your area but at least we can keep this thread going and you can talk to other people who understand. It's not much but at least it's something and it does help. It can feel so lonely in real life, to be the only widowed person.

Deemented, welcome to the thread nobody wants to be on. I am a couple of months ahead of you, and recognise so much of what you are saying.

Couple of suggestions, do have a look at WAY (see the link on EvenStar's post a couple of posts above yours) even if they don't have a local group for meet ups there is always the chat room; like MummyDoIt I am not really a counselling person but the ability to rant in the WAY chat room has been a real lifeline for me.

Also talk to your GP about a referral to your local CAMH team (Children and Adolescent Mental Health), it sounds a bit heavy but they did link DD with a lovely play therapist who worked through some of her issues with her in a very supportive casual envirionment. Or do CRUSE have a local counselling service?

Putting one step in front on another and doing our best not to fall over is the best any of us can do, but the odd little stumble on the way is inevitable.

Hello everyone, welcome to the newcomers but sorry you are qualified to join us.
does anyone have any advice or ideas for how to mark DHs birthday on sunday? for both me and the kids.

Hi all, its my first time posting on this thread too, i know some of you from other threads though. My dh died in July 2001 two days before my ds's 5th birthday, ds found him and tried to wake him up and put his glasses on. Ds has special needs and it has been very hard with him. He is 12 now and at residential school all week. He has just started asking for a new daddy....... He was talking to my best friend on MSN and she was trying to say that he had a lovely Mummy and he said he wanted a daddy to go on holiday with and to drive him (i dont) He is now asking me if i will marry all my male friends.......... Its all very sad!

Lottie

The alternative is a 12 year old who has threatened to kill any poetential replacements or just run away from home.

Fun isn't it.

My husband died of Leukaemia last Tuesday, 27th January (ironically it was also his 49th birthday), so I hope you don't mind yet another member of this "club". Having also lost a child 20 years ago, I'm beginning to feel that God doesn't like me. It has been a whirlwind of activity this week but I expect it will go flat after the funeral on Tuesday 10th February. Then I am sure I will fall to pieces but at the moment am staying strong for my two children.

DippyM welcome to the thread - so sorry you are entitled to join. You will find you get through these first few days on adrenaline and so much to do.

But you are absolutely right about after the funeral, do make sure you have some people around you next Wednesday, its the day when the adrenaline runs out and there is nothing that urgently needs doing.

Look after yourself and don't forget to eat and drink.

Dippymother please keep posting if it helps, so sorry for your loss, sadly there are only too many of us on here who understand what you are going through. Great advice from Dad Instead of Mum, it is easy to forget your own needs even for food and drink at this time. I hope that you have someone looking after you. Do put the answerphone on and don't feel guilty about giving yourself some down time from the endless calls even if it is just enough to drink a cup of tea without being interrupted. Wishing you strength, and don't be embarassed to ask us if there are practical things that you need any advice on.

DadInsteadofMum and Evenstar - many thanks for your advice. It is comforting knowing that there are many others out there who know exactly how I'm feeling so I hope you won't get too fed up with me if I start moaning or get depressed! I have many friends who are being supportive but of course they don't really know how I feel because they haven't been in my position.

The financial situation will probably be something I'll need advice on, as I am not sure how long it will take for probate to be sorted and I start receiving any money from DH's work pension. In the meantime I have been writing out cheques for the funeral, flowers, etc but have no income as I gave up work last September to care for DH. My Carer's Allowance was stopped immediately as I had only been receiving it for a couple of months and also DH's Disability Living Allowance has been stopped so I am using savings to pay for everything, but that cannot go on indefinitely!

The financial side can be very worrying at first as I know only too well, here is a link for you to find out about Bereavement Payments and Widowed Parents Allowance www.direct.gov.uk/en/Diol1/DoItOnline/DG_10017690. There are links to download forms but if you make an appointment and go to your nearest Jobcentre Plus then they will help you fill them in and they were very kind and helpful to me. I would try and get an application for this in as soon as possible as it takes quite a while. You may not need probate, it depends how much your husband's assets were worth as an individual, for example houses are usually in joint names. If you can manage for now you can deal with all these things after the funeral. I would be glad to give you any more help if you would like me too, feel free to CAT me. Just to mention that many of us widows/widowers are members of the Widowed and Young Foundation www.wayfoundation.org.uk, there is a very supportive chat forum and local branches organise social events.

DippyM I have found being able to talk to people in a similar situation has been very important to me, and the fact that they never get fed up with me moaning (and I hope I have recipricated). Evenstar has mentioned WAY but if you don't feel up to that yet there is a small community of us on MSN, feel free to CAT either of us and we can link you in.

When you are feeling so, so alone its nice to find out that you are not.

Hello Dippy, so very sorry to hear that your husband has died and so very recently too.
there is a lot of stuff to sort out and it is all hard to do. do you know about the £2000 payment that you can claim, you should have been given the forms when you went to the registry office, everyone can claim this money and it all helps when you are worrying about money.
as evenstar and dadinsteadofmum said WAY (widowed and young) is very good, we are all members and i find it very helpful.
my husband died in june from a brain tumour.

DadInsteadofMum - talking does help and my RL friends have been great, but it would be nice to chat to people who really understand because they too have been bereaved and I am already feeling positive about the messages on here. I am a bit of a technophobe, so not sure about MSM or CAT yet!

Evenstar - I have looked at the Wayfoundation site this evening, will definitely join once the funeral is over, so thanks for that. Have completed the form for Widowed Parents Allowance and sent it off, just waiting to hear from them.

OJ - I have applied for the £2000 payment as you rightly stated, the registrar told me about it. Any idea how long it takes?

Thanks for the advice, and can I just say how sorry I am for your losses too.

Dippymum my bereavement payment took about 2 months from when I replied, hope that helps.

My DH died on Christmas Eve 2008. It is so hard to carry on and I have read some other posts about things that happen during the day and how you long to just talk and laugh again about funny things and other people. I am an intelligent professional person, I understand the different phases of grief but I live a long way away from most of my family and friends. The best advice I have received so far was from the HR advisor at my DH's work, she told me to hold the love for my husband within my heart and to never forget this. Her English was not so good but she made the meaning very clear, she sends me emails and always reminds me of this.
I am thinking of having counselling but I am not sure what I want from it. I guess I should set myself some targets, small achievements to move forward. I feel the pain of all the other posters, it is a wonderful community - most other people find it hard to understand. I am not sure what I want from this post either - except to know that other people do understand how I feel.

So sorry for your loss gettingoverit, it is very early days for you, I have had some counselling through my church's Bereavement Team, and what I have found very helpful is being able to talk about anything without the other person being emotionally involved with either me or my DH. My family are also a long way away and although I have wonderful friends you feel you want to spare them your worst moments because they would hurt for you. I am sure if you have been reading other people's posts you have seen us mention The WAY foundation www.wayfoundation.org.uk/ I cannot recommend this highly enough, the forum is secure and you can let it all out there with people who understand, they also organise "real life" social events which many find helpful. Take care of yourself,and please keep posting if it helps.

So very sorry for your loss gettingoverit. I am going through the same thing as my DH died just over 2 weeks ago. We had the funeral yesterday which was a great tribute to him and made me feel very proud to be his wife. Today, however, has been harder as the family and friends have gone home. Like you, our family are many miles away. I do have very good friends but I guess I'll find out how good in the weeks and months to come. None of them have ever been in this position so I will probably join the wayfoundation as recommended by Evenstar as it will be nice to "speak" to others who have been or are going through the same thing.

Yes, I know what you mean. I returned to the UK several weeks ago and bumped into a lady that I know who is close to a good friend of mine. So I had to tell her what had happened so she could pass on the news. Her sister was with her and she immediately told me that she lost her husband 10 years earlier - and it is so much easier to talk to someone who understands.
I did have a tough time with a family reunion last weekend, I just missed my husband so much and felt his absence so strongly.
But Facebook and Skype are life savers for me !
But I will try WAY as well.
And my DH parent's phoned me this evening to see how I was getting on.
Thank you for your messages and support