Widows and Widowers of Mumsnet Unite. Time for a bit of support.

[Yorkiegirl]

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I don't think I can say how I am dealing with widowhood, the only thing as emotionally intense, but in a totally different way, that I have experienced was my first newborn, you sort of live from hour to hour and day to day. When you imagine the future alone it is too much so you focus on paperwork and practicalities to distract yourself. Sometimes you feel better, other times the pain is so raw that you would like to howl like an animal. I know what you mean about the wardrobe, it has helped me to put some things into a box so I know where they are but I am not seeing them all the time. Get some time on your own if you can, it is exhausting to have to be brave for other people and I don't think it is good for you to have to do it all the time.

Hi there everyone, introduced to mn tonite by some concerned and dear friends who know this will help me. So sorry for all who are here right now. My partner of 24 years was killed in an accident at work on the 24th of January this year. We had been together since school and I buried him 11 days before my 40th birthday. Right now I feel as if I am writing a story about some fictional characters in a book, not me, not us. Things have not been made easy for me- legal stuff and such, but I'm taking it right on the chin. I'm feeling the rawness right now for evenstar, onlyjoking and gingerinosister to name but a few. It was only a few weeks ago that I actually felt the physical scence of grief lifting somewhat. It was a surreal, numb state which you were always waiting to be removed from. The psychological impact remains apparently for a long time to come but most of us have reasons to carry on. For me it is my two gorgeous little darling boys who are aged 7 and 2. Looking at my children intensify my grief yet make me understand the importance of facing the challenges that lie ahead. I (fortunately or unfortunatley) have not had the time to dwell with my own thoughts for too long. I hope everyone reading this finds that their road along this journey gets easier to bear as time goes on.

Hi there everyone, introduced to mn tonite by some concerned and dear friends who know this will help me. So sorry for all who are here right now. My partner of 24 years was killed in an accident at work on the 24th of January this year. We had been together since school and I buried him 11 days before my 40th birthday. Right now I feel as if I am writing a story about some fictional characters in a book, not me, not us. Things have not been made easy for me- legal stuff and such, but I'm taking it right on the chin. I'm feeling the rawness right now for evenstar, onlyjoking and gingerinosister to name but a few. It was only a few weeks ago that I actually felt the physical sense of grief lifting somewhat. It was a surreal, numb state which you were always waiting to be removed from. The psychological impact remains apparently for a long time to come but most of us have reasons to carry on. For me it is my two gorgeous little darling boys who are aged 7 and 2. Looking at my children intensify my grief yet make me understand the importance of facing the challenges that lie ahead. I (fortunately or unfortunatley) have not had the time to dwell with my own thoughts for too long. I hope everyone reading this finds that their road along this journey gets easier to bear as time goes on.

Hi googledoogle, so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about the whole thing feeling surreal and as though it is a story. When I rang people to tell them DH had died some said "You're joking" in the shock of the moment and I felt like I should say "Yes, I am it's not true", it still doesn't feel true, I expect his car to turn in at the gate even though I sold it two weeks ago. When the policeman came to tell me I said I couldn't believe him it was surreal and like a scene in a drama on television. Glad to hear that things are improving for you now, this thread is so great to share all these feelings with people who understand.

Everyone's grief is so personal to them yet there are so many common feelings that this thread makes it so easy to share with others who trully understand what its like. As time passes you do not wish to burden your friends and family with how you feel but these are the people who DO want to listen and help. I've to'd and fro'd over the last 6 months wondering if an illness was the cause would it have been easier- of course it wouldn't! The end result is the same. It is the huge meaning in the little words 'IF ONLY' My brother had the horrendous job of telling me about the accident and Jim's death. This has had a huge impact on him and has affected him geatly. He went to pick up the car from Jim's work and cried and cried all the way to his home. I have everything else belonging to Jim but I couldnt have his car. I really really understand how everyone feels regarding the car because for me it was always an indicator as to whether I was going home to an empty house or not. It remained in my brothers garage for a while and was sold to someone a few hundred miles away so the chances of seeing it again are remote. It wasnt until the car was gone that i realised what its presence was doing to my brother looking at it every day. For those finding things hard to bear right now a small comment has made a big difference to me. Not then but now. 'This feeling is like carrying a huge boulder in your arms and heart every day. The boulder never gets any lighter. Only you get stronger to carry the load' This is how I feel now. I hope this helps someone out there.

That is a beautiful phrase googledoogle, it is having the faith that the strength will come. I don't know if you are religious but I felt I had been granted strength to get through the funeral without breaking down, so many people were praying for me. My brother also had to fetch DH's car home, as DH had a heart attack and died away from home. He felt it deeply, he was so sensitive to my needs though and left the car exactly as it was including not turning the radio on so I knew what track on the CD DH had listened to. I think a sudden bereavement when you are unprepared also leaves with terrible shock deal with, which is still complicating my feelings.

I think this complication will continue for a long time. Today as I left the car park in town to head for school shoes I broke down yet again. My friend, who is one of my comforting shoulders, put her arms around me and her look said it all. These fiends realise the confusion that surrounds you. Even when I am alone I find I am paticipating in self conversation.(I used to think this was limited to mad individuals!) The chat is always the same 'this isn't real, it cant be, where is he?' as I am shaking my head saying no, no, no. We were not religious individuals nor as a couple but had a dutiful obligation as parents to direct our children towards christianlike values. At a time like this I found and still find myself questioning my own disbeliefs. I want to think that he can see us and know what we are doing, I want him to know that ds1 won two races at sports day, that ds2 is out of nappies and chatting like a wee old man. I dearly want him to know that all his friends held a memorial fishing day in his memory and with a few helping hands ds1 won the bronze statue in honour of his daddy-oh how I want him to know all these things. This is where I self torture as I dont know now what I believe. I think that as a mother first and foremost my ultimate concern was for the protection of my babies in all of this. I do not want them to dwell on what they have lost (like I do) but to cherish what they have had, a loving doting daddy, who lived and ultimately died for them. At 7 ds1 is a well adjusted rational thinker, he has very sad days but they always end in laughter when we talk about daddy. ds2 is too young to even understand the concept of death. Only a few hours ago he was asking again 'where is daddy'- this is the biggest tug on my heartstrings. The shock factor in all of this prevails in whatever you do and encounter for the months to come. I have encountered a lot of 'firsts' already and what has helped me thru this is the fact that for me anyway, nothing can be as bad as that dreadful day. The worst has happened. I miss him so much everyday. I felt selfpity on my 40th when the party didnt happen, the cards that people felt awkward about sending me mingled with bereavement cards and instead of keeping up with the jones's in the years to come about what we did for my 40th, I chose my partners headstone. After that experience I told myself whats so different about birthdays, holidays, fathers days and the like to how i feel today and the answer for me is none. i dont miss him any more on these days because i miss him so much every day. Time is no healer. Strength is an aid. we will all get through this in our own special ways and with the help of others this will happen.

In some ways knowing before hand helped to prepare. My dh started to pray more and religion became part of him. He started to disengage with parts of his life. The music that he loved was replaced by calm soothing music. His hobbies became things of the past.what evenstar said about religion and giving you the strength to get through is true. Before his death in the evenings dh,myself and 4 dds sat down as a family and prayed together. I have kept this going with his passing. It is the part of the day that we sit back, leave what we are doing and together we relax, pray and think of dh

That is beautiful gingerinosister, how wonderful that his faith deepened and you were able to share that as a family in those last days. Sadly my DH was what I would call a doubtful agnostic at best, and the children have followed him to some extent, I am a regular churchgoer again now and I hoping perhaps they will start to follow my example. I come from a very religious family and my faith is deep, even though I was unable to go to church, it is a great comfort to me and I hope that it is still helping you.

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I am glad that you have found comfort there Yorkiegirl but for you that your regular church didn't support you even when asked. I haven't been a regular up until now but do know others at the church who have been very kind when they have seen me. The vicar has called round about 3 times and said he would come again next week, and I know they have a bereavement team, so they are probably waiting till I am ready. My family stayed for about 5 weeks, so people have not been round as much as they probably would have otherwise. At the moment it is a great comfort just to go quietly on my own at 8.00 on a Sunday and listen to the familiar words of the old Common Prayer service.

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Hi Yorkiegirl, thought everyone but me had forgotten this thread! I have been away for a few days, perhaps we can keep it bumped now people are back from their holidays.

Hello all, thoughts are with Mummydoit and Mummy2Tandf as it is one year today since her husband died.

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M2T&F, thinking of you today xxx

Thinking of you M2TandF, these anniversaries are hard, hope you and the DC's got through today OK. Did you do anything special to mark the day? Also thinking of you MummyDoIt.

Thanks everyone for your messages, sorry I wasn't on here yesterday but I found the day a bit too much actually - I spent the morning at the lake where Craig died and the afternoon at the lake where we scattered his ashes, had a counselling session and then last night I had about 18 of Craigs friends round for a drink in his memory, it was a very busy, tiring day and of course very emotional - the alcohol helped last night though, until one of my friends made a speech and we raised a glass to Craig ... the evening went downhill from there! I have spent today at a funeral too, so I am extremely drained and just need a cuddle BUT I have got through the past year and I will get through this!! Love to you all xxx

Gingerosister (and everyone else 'new') hugs to yo all.

My dh also died of pancreatic cancer 2 months ago. You are quite right it is a real bastard. Dh was dx'd in Dec 2006 and was initially given 3-6 months. We were astonishingly lucky (if anyone ever is lucky with that disease) and he lived for a further 18 months, most of it very good quality time.

But it is still very hard.

I have recently found out that I am officially a War Widow, which makes me feel like something out of a Siegfried Sassoon poem, and that I should be rolling bandages for the front, or something.

paper work is bloody awful, and I just miss him. In the most boring and practical of circumstances I just want to talk to him

The paperwork would be bad enough on its own MB,but with all the emotions. I have been taking a bit of a break from it, I am frustrated by people's incompetence as well, the number of things that have to be dealt with more than once . I was asked to put DH onto the phone last week to answer security questions. Glad you got through the day yesterday M2TandF, how brave of you to go to funeral after all that.

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I feel a bit awkward typing these words here, as if I don't really belong as I am not a widow. But so much of the things all of you have mentioned ring true for me.
My dad died from metastitic melanoma on 28th July this year. He was diagnosed on 1st April. DH, DD and DS and I were on holiday when he died and we had to fly home early.

I MISS him so badly it hurts. I am no longer crying my heart out every day, but daft things set me off. He was a wonderful artist and our house is full of his paintings. I knocked one off the wall the other day, and I sat there for an hour hugging it and sobbing. I also came across a video clip on my mobile phone. It was of DS just starting to walk and my mum was feeding him. You could hear my dad in the background chatting to DS and laughing at things he was doing. That made me cry, just hearing his voice again.

My mum appears to be coping OK, but I wonder if there is something like WAY that could help her? She is 74 though.

Gingerbear there is an organisation called CRUSE which would be more suitable for your mum www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/, it says on their home page that they help any bereaved person, so it might be you would find it helpful too. Hope that helps and so sorry for your loss, I think hearing someone's voice is very emotional, I cried when I listened to DH's voice on my answerphone, I haven't changed it yet because I don't want to lose it.