Widows and Widowers of Mumsnet Unite. Time for a bit of support.

[Yorkiegirl]

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Thanks for your reply Evenstar. I think of you often. I don't know if I ever posted a message on your thread back in June, maybe I was too wrapped up in my own turmoil over my dad's illness at the time. If I did forget to acknowledge your loss, I apologise.

Wishing you strength x

Is it okay if I join this thread? DH died last Monday of oesophageal cancer. He was only 43 and we have DSs aged 4 and 5. It's all a bit overwhelming at the moment and I don't think it's really sunk in. It would be good to talk to people who know what it's really like. Today was a tough day as it was DS2's first day at school and it broke my heart that DH wasn't here to see it. He never even got to see him in his school uniform.

MummyDoIt, so sorry to hear about your DH.

Of course you can join this thread, this is what it is for, I think.

My best advice is to take things minute-by-minute,or hour-by-hour. If your children have a routine stick to it, that is what got me through the early days - what comes next in the routine.

Keep drinking some water, eat and sleep if and when you can.

Some websites that may be of use
www.winstonswish.org.uk
www.wayfoundation.org.uk
www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk
www.merrywidow.me.uk ignore the name of this site there is a good guide, more links, and a useful discussion board.

Take care, Solodad.

Mummydoit, we are all here for you, I have followed your other thread. Yorkiegirl started this one for us to support each other and bumped it up the other day in the hope that you would see it. I second solodad's advice, particularly about drinking and trying to eat something, I found that very difficult in the first couple of weeks, but it does help to try and keep up your strength, and I found the Winstons Wish website very helpful. Take care of yourself as well as your DC's, these early days are very hard, I have been through 2 children's birthdays and what would have been our 21st wedding anniversary and DH's birthday in the last few weeks, plus elder DC's getting exam results and it is so very hard . I have been told by others that the first is the hardest and then it gets a little better, but it is only 2 months since my DH died of a heart attack away from home, so I don't know if this is so. I am so sorry for your loss, I don't know if you have a faith, but it consoles me to think that DH may look down on us from somewhere and know something of our lives and what is happening. Wishing you continued strength.

Gingerbear thank you for your kind words, hope that Cruse can be a bit of support for your mum. I don't feel ready to join anything yet, but I think I will in time as it may be easier to socialise with others who are in the same position and not feel the need to explain it to people.

Just bumping this up again as sadly we seem to be growing in numbers

hi I am currently 3 years and 4 months into my journey into a new life without my dh he died aged 32 from stomach cancer my dd was 6 weeks at the time and ds was 2yrs old. They have been my reason for living and continuing when i have wanted to give up. still think about him everyday love to all who are just starting on the same journey just to let you know i will be thinking of you all.

Bumping this thread as I was just wondering how everybody is coping with the thought of Christmas, especially those of us facing our first Christmas alone. I'm absolutely dreading it but I've made some plans. It has to be faced for the boys' sake. I've planned lots of visits to family, both mine and DH's, but I couldn't face family on Christmas Day so we're going to a friend. I wanted to wake up in my own bed and open our presents together, thinking of DH, but I couldn't bear the thought of the whole day at home without him. Luckily a very good friend invited us over for lunch so that solved the problem.

What is everyone else doing?

Hello, can I join? I lost my DH 10 days agp to cancer. He was 37. I have a 3 yo DS and a 1month old DS. Am dreading xmas, dreading doing a tree - DH used to do all that lugging it about / making it balance etc. Also dreading new year's eve - full of couples kissing at midnight. Last new years eve we were so hopeful, thought we'd beaten it. We were wrong.

Hi, my husband died a year ago. He was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour a year before that. I have a dd aged 14, and a ds aged 10.
Sometimes it feels as if it happened yesterday, at other times, a hundred years ago. You become more used to it, and gradually grow stronger, although sometimes it feels as raw as if it has just happened.

Lots of love to the people on this thread x

Oh sorry, Christmas. My kids have got a real thing about making it the same every year - we have to watch the same film, read the same story, etc. Then we spend xmas day seeing friends, and another friend and her boyfriend and daughter are hopefully coming for lunch.

New Year is worse. Hate that lovey-dovey kissing couple thang, it makes me feel bloody awful. Need to be quite drunk to cope.

Feel a bit better than last year, when it was all so raw. But more people offering support then. Core friends there though.Am afraid of appearing needy with people.

Hi squidgemum, glad that you have found this, I thought it was such a great idea when yorkiegirl started it and I tried to keep it bumped up for a while. Let's try again to give each other the support we are all standing in need of. Christmas seems to be looming large here as it is our first one since DH died in June. I am trying to do things a little differently and my mum and her partner are joining us. DH always loved music and the Christmas songs which have started already are difficult to hear. New Year will be very hard as another couple and their children will be joining us as they have every year for the last 8 years. I have known them for over 20 years though and although I think there will be moments of sadness, I can't think of anyone who I would rather see in the New Year with and they understand. I think midnight and Auld Lang Syne will be the worst, but we hope to enjoy some of the evening at least. Thinking of all the widows and widowers of Mumsnet as we approach this difficult time of year.

Glad you found this, Squidgemum. I keep thinking of you, just starting out on this horrendous journey. It's good that we've got each other to talk to but I wish none of us were in this situation.

Ladies, I have just found this website, which seems as if it might be a really valuable resource to people dragonflypins.co.uk

They sell lovely dragonfly lapel brooches, inspired by the Water Bugs and Dragonflies book, the idea being that as we don't dress in mourning these days, it can be helpful to wear something which signals to the world that you have been recently bereaved - and which would enable you to recognise someone else in rl, who was wearing the badge too. They also seem to have some useful resources/ suggested readings for funerals etc. and advice for supporting bereaved children.

I have no link to the organisation. Just thought it seemed like a good idea, which I wanted to share . . . . Hope that is OK.

Sorry, that should be Ladies and Gentlemen

Thank you

I feel abit of a fraud posting on here but I'm doing it in proxy for my Dad really - my mum died last year so this is our 2nd Christmas without her. Last year though, I had just had DS (he was 3 weeks old on Christmas Day) and my Australian MIL was here so EVERYTHING was very different - Dad came to us for lunch (never done before).
This year - much harder for him - he is now battling prostate cancer himself (not too serious as yet) and is settling into a depressive state - and I am having trouble knowing what to do to help him.

What myfriendflicka said struck a chord - last year, being the first year, people were very supportive and caring - this year, now he has had time to "get used to it", they are less in evidence. But it seems worse now - I know there are stages of grief and everyone takes their own time getting through each one so there is no set timescale, but it seems like the shock of losing Mum took nearly a year to work through for Dad and so he is worse off this year than last.

I don't really know if anyone can help us here and I am sorry to impose on your thread.

Sorry to hear about your DH, squidgemum - that is really hard for you and your LOs.(((hugs))) for you.

Hi thumbwitch,

I do think bereavement can get worse later on - you get more used to it, but you are more alone, and trying to make some sort of new life, which is very hard. Some people are still uncomfortable around you, they don't know what to do or how to help, so they withdraw.

Has your Dad had any counselling, is he the kind of person who would be able to do that? I have found it very helpful. Cruse offers counselling in groups or one to one, but there is a bit of a waiting list. Macmillan also do counselling (if your mother died of cancer, they may have been involved earlier) and they are very good.
Do you think your Dad would like to be with you on Christmas day or to see you for just some of the time? It is a hard time of year if you aren't up for the jolly stereotype. Hard for you too with a young baby x Sorry not to be more helpful, I will try and think of anything else that might help and post again.

Sorry thumbwitch, forgot to mention the merry widow website (for all ages, both sexes, who have lost partners) and widowhood on msn. It is really comoforting to look at these sites, even if you don't post.

People support each other and write about all sorts of things - sooner or later you find a problem you think just affected you dealt with there. Also, Katie Boydell, who founded the merry widow site, has written a book called Death and How to Survive it, which people have said is really helpful to read.

People also meet up around the country from merry widow and widowhood - and that can help, meeting people in the same boat.

I haven't gone to a meet up or read the book, but I do regularly look at the site, it helps you not feel so alone. Does your dad have access to a computer?

i think flicka is right, it can feel more isolating as time goes on and the support network thins out a bit. there are no fast tracks or shortcuts in grief and it often feels like you are going round in circles, i second the merrywidows site and kates book, i have found them both very helpful along with WAY which is for people widowed under 50.
flicka, sorry to hear that your husband died from a brain tumour too, my husband died in june from a GBM4 brain tumour, we have twin girls of 14 and a son of 11.

That is the same tumour that my husband had, onlyjoking. His symptoms were mainly dementia. It was awful.

I am sorry to hear your husband had the same thing, it is really devastating.

After he died, I felt relief that he was not suffering so much any more for quite a while.

Our kids are similar ages. My 14 year old is very teenagerish and in denial, it seems to be how she copes. How are your children doing, and how are you?

they are the worst kind of brain tumour aren't they, we had 10 months of knowing he would die, thou his memory loss meant that he often forgot.
our three have autism so they aren't really like other teenagers, which in some ways is easier and in some ways its harder. i must pop my head into widowhood chatroom soon.
take care

Yes they are. My husband had memory loss too, and often forgot what was wrong with him.

I looked at your profile page where you say your children have autism. Sorry I didn't look before I posted x

I would like to join this thread too please. I lost my husband in a car crash on 5th December this year. At the moment I feel like I am in the middle of a nightmare and am desperately trying to do the best thing for my children - aged 2 and 4. Reading some of the messages posted here has given me hope that there may be life after the death of a loved one even if I cannot begin to imagine it now. At the moment I am jsut focusing on getting everyone through the funeral.

Vic so sorry you have to join this thread, you are of course very welcome to join, I also have kids, feel free to CAT me, as you find widowhood and sleep are not compatable.

It is still very early days, take it very easy one day at a time, remember to look after yourself as well as the kids, and take all offers of help, you are not alone