Widows and Widowers of Mumsnet Unite. Time for a bit of support.

[Yorkiegirl]

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I am not a widow but my best friend is. Her DH died suddenly 7 months ago and sometimes I feel at a loss as to the best way of supporting her through this awful time.

I don't want to intrude, but I hope you don't mind if I lurk from time to time. She is not a MNer and does not have any children but I might send her in this direction.

I hope you can all find some support here.

I was widowed young and even though I am happily remarried I still look back with pleasure on my first marriage and the memories stay with you. It was very hard to cope with, the WAY Foundation this page wasn't around when I was widowed but I think it must be wonderful because I found that it helped me ,more than anything, to meet other people going through the same thing.

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My brother died a few years back leaving a wife and 4 children. She felt very alone, Bob Geldof was the only person she could think of in the same position. Best wishes to you all, and mb my thoughts are with you, your children and family.

Hello all.
MB thinking of you all and will be raising my cup at 13.10
YG thanks for starting this thread.
As you probably all know Steve died on 9th june, i guess even thou we knew for 10 months that he would die i still don't believe it has happened. The kids are struggling too and i am finding that hard to deal with.
am wading throu paperwork with some help, the thing that got to me most was that it asked for steves date of death.
i hope i will be soon in a position to help and support others on here that have helped me along this path.

The paperwork is terrifying, and with a sudden death it is hard to deal with anything as you have no death certificate. On the whole where I have had to phone people I have been treated very decently. OJ you are so brave to talk of helping others.

I'm in.

Dp1 died in '99, & I've since married & have 3 dc with dh. I do still think of A with enormous affection & wish I could put the world to rights over one last drink with him - he died suddenly.

Thanks for starting this thread YG.

Hi all, im a widow of seven years.. am glad there is this place to chat on... will add more when i feel up to it.

You are completely right,YG,people can empathise but you can't completely understand unless you have been there, which is why I always try to be of help.
I know what you mean about a last drink raven, sudden death is very difficult, like a knife cutting and no going back.

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from my experience, I am glad I had the chance to be with dh while he was dying. Although unexpected on hospital admission, a week later I was given 10 hours notice of his death. I didn't move from the room and although sedated, he squeezed my hand when I asked if he was too hot. So, hopefully, Nigel did hear you talking to him.

Am not a widow but had friends and the husband died very young leaving behind a wife and two young daughters. A few years after his death, his widow wrote a very moving book (A BIG HEARTED MAN by Kate Boydell) amd set up a website for young widows. Am not sure of the website address but am sure a google of Kate's name would lead you to it. I was lucky enough to know Charlie, Kate's husband, and read an early draft of her book. I suppose I got a lot out of reading it because I knew Charlie personally, but I would recommend it as a very comforting read and perhaps it has something to say to those of you who share the same very sad situation. Hope you don't mind me barging in to your thread.

i have kates book " death and how to survive it" i have been reading it for a while in preparation, i have found her book extremely helpful and given the subject matter it made me laugh and smile many times.
now Steve has died and i have changed status to "widow" i will read it again and things might look different.

the website is called "merrywidows"

eekamoose - I too knew Charlie and Kate Boydell. Years ago when they had been married just a very short time, Charlie was admitted to the hospital ward where I was a student nurse. In 8 weeks I got to know them pretty well. A few years later, when dh and I were on holiday in Devon, we saw Charlie on the local telly. Then again some time later I saw Kate's book in the shop and found out Charlie had died
Dh also knew them as he too had a heart condition - he made it, Charlie didn't.
My heart goes out to all of you. At one point when dh was in hospital, and suddenly he was taken desperately ill, for a few minutes widowhood flashed before me, bringing up dd alone... I have never ever felt fear and desperation like it. But for me, fortunately, it was relieved.
I hope you don't mind my posting, but all of your stories really touch something in me. I hope I'm not intruding. Will probably just lurk from time to time.

YG - A had an epileptic seizure, fell & hit his head. Being a spectacularly awkward bugger, he sent the ambulance I called for him packing. He had a history of knocking himself about during seizures, & seemed perfectly OK, so neither I nor the crew thought anything was seriously amiss.

He went to bed. Later that night I couldn't rouse him, called an ambulance again.

He had suffered a massive brain injury - he went into a coma & died 3 days later.

Anyway, in answer to your question - I really really don't know if he knew I was talking to him. He seemed quite distressed & seemed to settle better when I held his hand & talked to him...

I think Nigel probably would've been aware of you talking to him, at least as a comforting presence if that makes any sense?

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raven thanks for sharing, how terribly sad, everyones story is different but I am sure the way that we all feel or have felt is similar.
I think they are right about the hearing, Steve was in a coma for over a week before he died yet the nurses always said his breathing always calmed when I came into the room and spoke to him.
I wished I could sleep, anyone else have trouble getting off to sleep and staying asleep?

Morning OJ sorry to hear that you are awake, hope perhaps you will have gone back to bed. I seem to have made 5am my start to the day at the moment averaging 4 hours sleep a night, haven't been able to sleep during the day except yesterday when I had the shock of learning coroner needs to keep dh's body for at least another week and I went to bed and slept for 2 hours. Sleep also restless and disturbed when I do get some. Is this your problem?

Have just seen this thread. So sorry for those of you going through the raw stages I can remember how that feels like it was yesterday.

I lost my dh to cancer 6 years ago. We were together for 2 years 2 months, 17 months of those married. He was diagnosed 3 months after we married. He's always in my thoughts.

Thankfully, though we didn't have children 'together', there was 3 days before he started treatment to 'bank' his sperm.

And, after 5 attempts of IUI and 2 mc's, I had dd 3 years after he died . She is very much like him.

sending you all a big ((hug))

So pleased that you managed to have a dd, DelGirl, it was my ds who kept me going and gave me a purpose.

My dh died in 2001,my ds found him and couldnt wake him up, my dh was a good deal older than me and died of copd(chronic obstructive pulmoniary disease) My ds was two days short of his fifth birthday, it may sound trivial but i had my late dh's dog to deal with too, he saw dh being taken away by undertakers ( i was taken out in back garden) the dog went into a depression too and pulled his fur out!
My ds has never forgotten his dad and still asks about him (hes nearly 12 now and is deaf with learning and behavioural probs)I have had a lot of support from Winstons Wish.
I am still on my own, have had two brief relationships that didnt work out. My sympathies to all who are widows/widowers too.

Hi all
I'm so sorry you're all going through this, and my thoughts are particularly with those of you for whom it is very new and raw.

I was widowed 17 years ago when I was 25. My husband died in a a road accident. We'd been married 15 months (together about 3 years) and had no children.

I'm now remarried and have two lovely little girls. As people have said, you can and do move on, but you never "get over" it (and I'm sure we wouldn't really want to).

It took me a very long time to move on, mostly because I was wracked with a sense that I was somehow "cursed" or was somehow responsible for what had happened (several other close family members died within a year of my husband's deaths which probably made it worse). I've heard that though obviously irrational, it's not an unusual reaction, and if it rings any bells for any of you I would strongly encourage you to go for some counselling - I found it very helpful.

I'm so glad you have this thread - I think this is the first time I've ever been able to share with others in the same situation - have never met anyone in RL. I was desperate to talk to someone who could understand what I was going through when it happened. I don't think WAY existed then, or if it did I wasn't aware of it. It sounds a brilliant idea.

I too am very glad for this thread . I can identify with so much. I have posted earlier in the thread - I lost my husband 14 years ago when I was 25.Marmon - I too try not to allow my self to dwell too much -sometimes easier said than done. Some things don't get any better by trying to rationalize - there comes a point where you just have to stop.
Raven - I love the idea of a last drink - what I wouldn't give for that!!
I think in some ways DH1's death was to some extent a loss of "innocence" for me. He so loved life, so wanted to get better,how could it not be alright? It's the realization that the very worst really can happen. This leaves me very nervous (neurotic maybe) that something may happen to DH2 or DD .

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