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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Widows and Widowers of Mumsnet Unite. Time for a bit of support.

234 replies

Yorkiegirl · 30/06/2008 00:32

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retiredgoth · 10/07/2008 20:19

....apologies for being a smidgeon belated! I too am a member of this club.

The lovely (if fearsome) Mrs F dropped dead in November 2006, 2 weeks after her 40th birthday. She would do anything to avoid emptying the dishwasher....

I am a Charge Nurse at the A and E department to which she was taken, which made the whole experience slightly surreal....

....still here, though! I have four unruly urchins who are now 11, 9, 7 and 7. They remain noisy, smelly, and expensive. The 9 year old is available on a free transfer if there are any takers....

I did join WAY, but was never able to make a meeting as those in my area are always evenings in pubs. Childcare is a nightmare, so was never able to go. I didn't bother renewing membership.

....I will reassure those widowed more recently that things DO get better. Not everything, and not all the time, but better nonetheless.

onlytheone · 10/07/2008 23:10

welcome retired Goth. Nothing is made easy is it? The car thing is a huge psychological step. I sold his 2 weeks after he died. I feared that I may not be able to do so if I left it any longer. His illness in the last two weeks of a 2 year ordeal made him crash it in our street a few times! I found it so sad and also felt he was at home by seeing it every morning.

SalVolatile · 10/07/2008 23:21

Not a member, just popped in to say that Retiredgoth - you've made me smile and so has your profile page....great Urchins, great dad, great sense of humour, and on what can be a sad thread it is so good to see that people smile and laugh again.

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 10/07/2008 23:35

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Evenstar · 11/07/2008 23:51

Did anyone else struggle with the sense of seperation that you feel, I can't stop thinking about DH being alone and although rationally I know that his spirit has gone from his body I still feel anxious that his body is away from me and I want to have him with me to look after. I know that his body is not him anymore and just a shell but it makes me feel wretched. Does this get better after the funeral when you have laid them to rest?

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 12/07/2008 09:01

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Blandmum · 12/07/2008 09:03

It has been easier since the funeral. I had a stressful dream about dh last night when I was looking for him and then realised that he was dead.

I dream about him, and the dreath/funeral etc a lot. I can't figure out if this is a good thing (helping my mind to come to terms with the loss) or bad (making me re-live the loss over and over again)

BecauseImWorthIt · 12/07/2008 09:09

I remember feeling very jealous of my dad, because he said he kept dreaming of my mum in the months after her death.

I wanted to have those dreams, because I wanted her back.

It was also incredibly selfish of me because my dad was clearly tortured by those dreams.

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 13/07/2008 20:27

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Blandmum · 13/07/2008 20:34

I have had a very up and down day. There have been things that have reminded me of DH that have made me feel very sad, but I have done lots of jobs that he would have done, and I've managed on my own. Which gives me an odd sense of pride.

Elasticwoman · 13/07/2008 21:04

Oh Martianbishop [SAD].

hugs.

I thought I was having a bad week. At least all my family are still alive.

Thinking of you, and all the other bereaved mums.

A lot of the things you say about your dh, MB, remind me of what my mum said about my dad when he died, having looked after her for 52 years. You are right to be proud and thankful that he was so thoughtful and showed how much he loved you. And I hope you get some satisfaction from the memories of how well you looked after him in his final illness and made his last months as easy as they could possibly be.

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 13/07/2008 22:21

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Evenstar · 13/07/2008 23:16

I have spent much of the day in our study, which was DH's usual Sunday job catching up the paperwork. Have had to send back his passport and driving licence, that has been hard because it seems so final, especially having to cut a piece off the passport. On a rational level one understands about the risk of identity fraud, but it really hurt to do that it was like making him a non-person.

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 13/07/2008 23:38

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Mummy2TandF · 14/07/2008 09:46

I hadn't even thought about dh's passport and driving licence ... Because we haven't long had the inquest, I haven't really done anything official - His bank account is still open (although no money in it) and I still have our joint account (again no money) .... mind you our answerphone still says "hello you have reached mummy2TandF and Craig" - I can' bare to change it (and it's not even his voice, it's mine!!) - I am sure i will be able to move on with things soon, but it all just seems so final
On the plus side, I went for a job interview last week and have been offered the job!! I think it will give me a chance to try and find out who I am as an individual and not who I am as part of "us", the hours are great for the dc's and means that I will still have every afternoon with them

Blandmum · 14/07/2008 12:05

Congratulations of getting the job that is great news.

Evenstar · 14/07/2008 15:07

Registrar advised me that I must do that when I registered DH's death, she also gave me a government leaflet that had a check list in and passport and driving licence were on that, and it is also in small print on the back of the counterpart (paper) licence. I hadn't realised either and it is still making me feel wretched today.

Evenstar · 14/07/2008 15:19

Well done Mummy2TandF on the job

Original poster
Yorkiegirl · 14/07/2008 19:53

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lottiejenkins · 14/07/2008 19:59

Dont want to frighten anyone but someone who my sister knows lost her dh a few years before i lost my dh, she told me a real horror story about how someone had stolen her late dh's passport and tried to empty her bank account luckily her bank manager knew her and knew her dh had died and rang her up and warned her! She told me to send my late dh's passport and driving licence back to avoid it happening to me.

onlyjoking9329 · 14/07/2008 21:24

well done on the job mummy2t&f
i still have steves passport and driving licence i don't want to send them back, they are locked in the safe and there they will stay.
it is 5 weeks today, i got throu our 11th wedding anniversary on saturday some tears and some smiles.
we are taking steves ashes to lanzarote on thursday, i hope i will be able to scatter them in the place steve chosebut not sure if i can bear to leave him there IYKWIM.
still got lots of paperwork to sort out, the DWP are being less than helpful, they stopped all our tax credits when i told them steve had died. bloody DLA still keep putting steves DLA in the bank every week despite being told he had died.
has anyone here joined WAY? i have the form here but something is stopping me from sorting it out.

Mummy2TandF · 14/07/2008 23:43

OJ - I know exactly what you mean about the ashes at least you know that that is where Steve wanted to be.
I joined WAY but found that all the meetings were in the evenings and so I couldn't go because of the children, I did go to one meet up in a soft play area but I also know people who have done a lot through WAY, I think it depends on how active they are in your area - sorry, that wasn't much help was it? Have you managed to meet up with the friend I introduced you to (sorry to be cryptic but I hope you know who I mean)
And thank you everyone for your congratulations on my job - they want me to start next Monday I need new clothes

onlyjoking9329 · 16/07/2008 15:18

i have sent off the form to join WAY.
i do know where steve wanted to be but will be hard to leave him there alone.
i haven't got round to meeting up with "P" yet it has been hectic here, but i will do one day.
we are off to the airport at 4.15am tomorrow,
i am hoping i will still be able to MN from my iphone it will be something to keep me in the loop whilst i am away and the second week i will be on my own once the kids are in bed.

Evenstar · 16/07/2008 16:14

My DH's funeral is tomorrow afternoon, but you will be in my thoughts OJ over the days to come. Wishing you strength and peace.

onlyjoking9329 · 16/07/2008 17:24

will think of you even more tomorrow evenstar, what time will the funeral be?