Widows and Widowers of Mumsnet Unite. Time for a bit of support.

[Yorkiegirl]

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I lost my DH2 3 years ago to sudden death, and although I have a new partner and am trying to move on, it is true you never really get over it.
After divorce from DH1, and my mothers suicide when I was 9, I do sometimes feel I am cursed, but then I count my blessings (lovely son, my fabulous Dad and sister, and a very understanding partner).
It is the unexpected things that catch me out now. At first everything is so raw, everything upsets you. But later you can be feeling quite happy and positive, and a song comes on the radio, or someone looks like him, or something else happens and it hurts again as if it was yesterday.
Things do take time, but they take a lot of time.
Gingan xxx

PS YorkieGirl, yes it does seem like one mammoth struggle at times, particularly when you are the type of person that hates to admit they need help! And people who say "Oooh you're coping really well!" - couldn't you just poke them in the eye?
My current favourite saying:- "An ounce of help is worth a ton of pity"
xxx

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It must be particularly hard for those of you with young kids, Yorkie. I can imagine how exhausting it is trying to care for and support them as well as manage your own feelings (plus hold down a job!). Hope you have plenty of support from family and friends.

I managed an hour at sports day yesterday for youngest DS, it was hard as I am so newly bereaved, but I felt I must. I put sunglasses on and stood away as I didn't feel I really was up to too many conversations. Actually it was fine only 2 people who I know quite well spoke to me and one was a teaching assistant to reassure that youngest DS is fine and they are keeping an eye on him. Hardest thing was seeing couples, knowing that I am the half left of one. Today at the shops my daughter's friend ran off after speaking to me, not even about my bereavement, again so many couples it brings it all home doesn't it?

I also had sports day yesterday (must have been the day for it).

I'm finding this easier than the last weeks of Dh's life. In some ways I think that I have it easier than those who lose their dh's suddenly. I know that dh's life in the last weeks was awful. In those days I lived with m loss to come and his pain and discomfort.

However awful this time is, it is easier than that time

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yes, seeing family groups together pulls so hard on the heart strings. A friend's daughter was 17 yesterday. The look of love in her father's eyes acutely made me aware of what DD aged 4 had lost. DD just received a trophy for ballet. She walked into the changing room so proud and announced that she was going to show it to Daddy by putting it on the window sill for him to see. The tears streamed down my face. Think I need to wear sunglasses too!

sports day or any social gathering are tough,
i did sports day the other week, but this week i have the girls class show, elliots class show, the annual presentation evening. plud loads of other stuff to do.
on saturdy it will be our wedding anniversary and i don't know what to do.
i spent time at the benefits office the other dy to sort ot forms and verify certicicate.
i am fed up of the DWP
they say i can claim the £2 bereavement paymean which anyone can get
i cant claim the brrevement allowance as i an not 45
widowed parents allowance, i have to be getting child benefit to get that so i have applied for CBtheres a problem with incapaciy allowance and carers allowance which mean that i am not entitled to widowed parent cos i get in capacity allowence instead.
our household income has gone down as steve used to get cares allowance so that has been taken away, tax credit has been stopped too, are we supposed to live a Air?

I hoped that aspect might get easier to see that others are still struggling with couples/families thing so far down the road. I am having a bad morning, the grief feels like a weight on my chest today, everyone is asleep and I have been awake since 4am although I had 5 hours sleep, can't seem to read or listen to music and even Mumsnet was down when I came downstairs earlier. The financial side is terrifying isn't it OJ, it is very early days for us, but I have only occasional part time work and my husband was our sole earner, no immediate worries my dear brother is looking after us but long term many anxieties as to whether we can afford upkeep/bills for our large house. DH and I renovated it completely together and it would be like leaving him behind to move. I miss having him to ask for advice, we always discussed most decisions. DD's birthday tomorrow, I had to decide what to get on my own and I am dreading writing the card without DH's name on it

I think a bit of what MB says about it being so bad towards the end that the death does seem easier for a week or two I remember thinking, I can do this, I thought that people were expecting me to be a total wreck, I think thou it was shock and I did feel numb and like it was happening to someone else, in some ways I felt I had a warm up to being a solo parent as steve was ill for so long.
I hate writing cards I put from jo & co.
the paperwork and money is a nightmare I am glad you have someone to help you with it all, I think birthdays and things are gonna be very hard for a while and it has to be as case of getting throu the day.
mummy2t&f
is it today craigs in memory day? Will be thinking of you and hoping you see some sunshine today.

Hi OJ, thanks for thinking of us yesterday - yes it was the fun day in his memory ... it rained all day but let's face it with my luck I wouldn't expect anything less ... You are all doing so well - this is a horrible road to have to travel and I also hate all family related things, it is so hard to keep track of a 3.8yr old and a 20mth old when you are on your own - have just bought a pair of reigns .... a having a bad day today - It's Craig's birthday He would have been 37 and I have to admit I am not doing too well. Not one person has remembered (or if they have they haven't said anything to me) and that hurts - I saw MIL today at the lake where we scattered Craig's ashes (This is her second time in just over 10 months) and she said "Oh, I didn't think you would be coming over here today!!" I really could stab the woman, where on earth did she think I would be on my husbands birthday, the 1st birthday since he died ... sorry, rant over - Take Care All

I saw some paperwork with dh's writing on it today and it felt as if I had been stabbed.

Nasty, nasty, nasty

I really feel for you Mummy2TandF. People just don't know what to say but any comment is beter than nothing such as the obvious "it would have been Craig's birthday today". I am dreading the first birthday. Haven't a clue what to do.

I am very newly bereaved, DD's 16th birthday today, DS's 18th birthday and what would have been our 21st wedding anniversary in August, DH's birthday and my birthday in first 2 weeks of September, Feel I have been thrown in at the deep end with all these "firsts" to face. DD came with me for company when I had to drive 2 hours each way to register DH's death today, but she sat in the car with her iPod whilst I did it and I took her for lunch out and an icecream and we had a really good chat and even some laughter. Tonight we have 4 of her friends round they have had pizza,icecream and cake and played Singstar, DH loved music and sang in two choirs it has been lovely to hear them singing. Maybe you have take each first day as it comes, it was not an option for me not to give her a little party as DH would have been so sad. She said she wouldn't have minded but I glad we were able to manage it.

Oh gosh Evenstar, you have much to face so soon but what you did today with DD sounded lovely and you got through it. It does help, I think to remember what DH would have wanted and the last thing is for you to be sad. Well done.

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It is stupid things that catch me out.

The phone rings and for a second I wonder if it is dh.

I watched Frasier, and there is a bit in the theme music where we always said the same things to each other, it bacme a little in joke. Only today he wasn't there to take part.

I'm also wading through paperwork, gron the DWP mostly, and still getting cards and letters

My DH worked long hours and when he came in I always had little snippets saved up to tell him about my day and things I had seen in the paper or funny things the children had done. I keep thinking I must tell him something and then of course I come up with a jolt. Seeing his car on the drive is hard as well, your heart leaps with a bit of hope every time you see it when you have been out, but I am going to try and sell it soon, I can't bring myself to move his things or get rid of anything, but it is such early days, I will do it bit by bit when I am ready.

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Dh arranged the sale of his car and my old car before he became terribly ill.

He knew (I am quite sure) that he would never drive again, and realised that having 'his' car round would upset me.

So we chose a new car together.

He spent 18 months making sure this phase of my life was as easy as possble. god but he was outstanding and I miss him so much

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Hugs

The same happened with my DH. He said he wanted a brand new car so that's what we did. It arrived about a week before he went into the mac unit. I remember driving it that 1st day and he was so ill. He managed to drive about 5 miles before he had to give up. It was a very hard day. I sold it about a year later though at times I wish I had kept it as he loved that car . It has been 6 years for me now but I still have some of his clothes and bits and bobs.

love to you all xx

I sold dh's car about 3 weeks after he died, when the police brought it back they parked it across the road to our house and everytime I looked out of the window or pulled up outside the house my heart skipped a beat, thinking for a split second that he was there .... an my ds kept saying, Daddy is here!! Or daddy has forgotton his car - doesn't he need it on the moon? If he hasn't got his car he won't be able to get home. It broke my heart to sell it but did take comfort that dh didn't really like his car, it was just a way of getting him to work and to fishing ... it was the family car he liked and I still have that - I still miss him every second of everyday as well, not sure whether that will ever go away