For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2025)

[Crunchymum]

A follow on from the nearly full old thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4932881-for-anyone-needing-support-after-losing-a-parent-very-supportive-thread-november-2023?page=40&reply=147297138

I hope this thread continues to be a place of warmth, support and shared wisdom.

Thank you. I'm sorry you're struggling with this too. Saying you're finding it quite hard is a good response. I might borrow that. Take care x

Yes, that's just it. Definitely different after the funeral. I don't know what people's expectations of me are, so I don't know what they expect me to say.

Then there are the people who haven't heard about my loss, and I have to tell them. I find that quite hard work.
Strangely enough though, after the stressful interaction yesterday which triggered my post, I bumped into a friend I haven't seen in ages, who didn't know, and she's absolutely lovely, so I told her, and I think because I'd bottled my true emotions up during my previous encounter with the other person, my emotions kind of emerged with her. So, it almost felt like my encounter with her was a blessing from somewhere, to heal the previous encounter, if that makes sense.

I guess that's partly because she was genuinely interested in my wellbeing, whereas sometimes I sense an enquiry as to how I am is just a pleasantry from some people. I know that if I ask people how they are, I really do mean it, and I'm genuinely interested; but you can tell with some people that they're not really interested, and just asking out of politeness. So, I guess I'd adjust my answer depending on who's asking.

Anyway, interesting to hear other people's experiences of this. Take care and thank you so much for your response xx

I’ve just started listening to a podcast - ‘Griefcast’ by Cariad Lloyd and it’s been very interesting and useful. They talk frankly about bereavement and it’s a bit sweary but it’s refreshingly honest and helpful. She interviews lots of people at varying stages of grief and I’ve found it rather comforting
x

Struggling this week - too much to cope with and the constant reminders that Mum won’t join us for Christmas. I have all her old decorations. I’m trying so hard to keep going. Sorry for the miserable post.

It’s so hard @Tolkienwasright, isn’t it? Plus all the Christmas activities, expectations to be jovial, “happiest time of the year” type content. Very tough.
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I totally get it. I'm struggling this week. I haven't even put the tree up yet. I just can't face Christmas this year. I have been listening to grief cast too and has been a comfort to listen to others experiences.

@Totallybannanas our tree/decs are only up for my 3 year old. It’s so difficult as I just want to hide away but have to keep going for their sake. Sending everyone lots of love over the next few weeks x

My dad died late last month and I'm still coming to terms with it. He was old, 90, and hadn't been for a long time but it's still left a huge hole in my heart to know that we'll never speak again. He was so loved.

I want and need to cry but it's not happening. I've never cried much and thought I would when he died, but somehow I manage to push it down. Maybe it will happen at the funeral next week when I'm surrounded by grieving family and friends. I hope so because I need that release. Anyone else react this way?

I’m 3 1/2 years post losing mum and wonder if I’ll ever feel ok without her.
I need to give myself a shake as I have a nice DH and good kids but I miss her so much especially at Christmas

I think that sounds normal, especially if you're perhaps sort of giving your tears stage fright by wanting to cry (if that makes sense).

I can only speak from my own experience. I had cried before both my parents' funerals but I also remember the funerals unleashing emotion. With my mum it wasn't until the hearse arrived for the funeral that it truly hit me that it was real that she had died and I remember standing by the window feeling completely overcome. Up until then everything had felt unreal (awful but unreal and in limbo). With my dad it was when I got home after the funeral and was alone that it hit me strongest.

I think just go with how you are, try not to push things down if you can but also don't overthink your reactions. Some numbness is protective to help you begin processing what's happened without experiencing more pain than you can cope with. 💐

It's ok to miss her, especially at Christmas. She will always be your mum and you will always love her.

My mum died 20 years ago and I still miss her at Christmas and I still cry for her sometimes. However, I don't feel the same raw visceral soul-crushing pain that I did in the early years. That part does heal over time.

For me, part of coming to terms with my mum's loss was being given permission to continue remembering her and acknowledging her rather than feeling under pressure to "move on" and act like she'd never existed. Because that was never going to happen - she will always be an important part of my life and grief does not work that way.

The below quote was written to someone who lost her mum young so I don't know how you will feel about it, but I found it comforting and it captures some of how I feel about carrying grief:

"What do you think of the idea of not resenting your grief? Not wanting to rid yourself of that part of you that is grief? It might sound weird, because at times your grief is as agonising and raw as it ever was, and here am I saying don’t push it away. But if you can experiment with not being embarrassed or angry when the tears come, but accept that they will and they are part of how you love and how you loved your mother, they may become easier to live with."

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/11/ask-philippa-dilemma-my-mother-died-25-years-ago-and-i-am-still-not-over-it

So sorry to hear this @anxiousturkey , sounds incredibly tough without any meaningful support. Have you sought any help at all? Sending love to you all.

it will be six months since we lost my Dad a few days before Christmas. Such a surreal thing to write, hovever the days are generally feeing a bit easier, but then I’m blindsided by grief again at random times. I’m still tending to have a daily cry in the shower, no idea why but it feels like releasing emotion before I get ready for the day helps me to have more equilibrium for the rest of the day. Sometimes works.

@dragonballet - stage fright is a good term for it. I do try to not push things down but still find it so hard to cry. The funeral will probably help things along, there will be a lot of sad people there so hopefully some of them crying will encourage me to do it as well.

I hope everyone’s doing ok. I’m 4 months in and just have collapsed today. I’ve got so much to do for Xmas and I’ve been so busy pushing my thoughts aside but today I’ve just taken to my bed crying non stop. I just miss my dad so much and Christmas feels like a massive hurdle. I have so much to do but I can’t face it 😞

I've been struggling recently. It's the thought of Christmas without mum and it hurts so much. I'm trying to embrace it, I know she would want me to as she loved it so much! And I try to feel as positive as I can for my 2 young boys but some days it really gets to you. Two ladies I line manage at work have recently lost their mum's and we all had a little cry and cuddle the other day over the thought it's our first Christmas without our mums. Sometimes it just hurts so much. Thinking of you all!

@Marshmallow201actually I out my overwhelm down to Christmas and how that’s going to feel this year - and also someone I work closely with lost a parent this week and it has just brought it all back . I think there will always be a trigger but Christmas seems to come with more of them x

its nearly 10 months since Dad died. Everything feels so heavy at the moment. I’ll be glad when Christmas is done. Sending love to you all and hoping we can all feel some peace in the days to come

My dad died in August 2024 - I still miss him every day. He spent my whole life making Christmas so special and it breaks my heart

Just had my dad’s funeral on Friday (officially now yesterday). Haven’t even begun to process it yet.

So sorry @Makingsenseofitall that’s very hard. I’ve been mainly on this thread because I lost my lovely mum in March but I lost my dad 👨 over 15 years ago, 13 days before Christmas and we had his funeral on 22nd December. It was a blur and I was processing for ages after. It’s hard losing someone you love but when it’s at Christmas it can feel even harder. Everyone around you seems to be enjoying family time etc. I’m so sorry, sending love and be kind to yourself. Just do whatever you feel you need to.
Sorry too @YourVividDuck and @Livpool it’s such a hard time. I feel like I’m limping my way through; some days I’m pleased with my planning and other days just feel what’s the point let me go to bed and wait for it to be over. Just keep being gentle with yourselves as it’s a lot ♥️

Thank you @dmango . I just haven’t done a thing for Christmas at all this year. Don’t quite know what to do with myself at all. I did go for lunch with my work team this week and whilst it was lovely (I haven’t been at work for a month or so now) not a single person said a single word about my dad. No sorry for your loss or hope the funeral goes well or anything. Is that normal or common? It just felt. A bit rude and weird to me.

@Makingsenseofitall 😢 I think some people genuinely don’t know what to say or fear that they’ll upset you. But they don’t understand that even if no one mentions your dad he’s on your mind the whole time. So it was be better to ask you if you want to talk about it but at least to say sorry.. that is rude! I’ve just realised that people are odd around death and it so unhelpful. It was nice on my first day back at work, the lady I share an office with said, ‘I’m so sorry, you must be so sad. Do you want to talk about it or would you prefer to not?’ That was so helpful whereas ignoring the loss feels mean and rude.

I wouldn’t worry about doing anything for Christmas . The year I lost my dad I think we had a Christmas dinner or sorts but I think I just somehow got through. Just do what you can and want to xx

I'm sorry to hear that @Makingsenseofitall - it's sad that you're getting any acknowledgement of losing someone so important to you. Even a brief 'Sorry for your loss' would be something.

It's been the opposite for me. People have been well meaning but walking on eggshells around me, as though I'm made of crystal and might shatter if they so much as look at me. I know they're all trying to be kind but I'd love people to be more down to earth around me and drop the sepulchral whispers of sympathy.

My dad was 90, so properly old, and his funeral was last week. The ceremony was good but the pallbearers, men from my family, rather fumbled carrying the coffin and at one point looked like they might drop it. They didn't, thank goodness, but it was rather surreal to watch.

@SeedDrill sorry yoh are facing this at this time too. That sounds genuinely scary re the carrying of the coffin but I’m glad it was all ok in the end. This thread is so helpful.
@dmango I am going to borrow the phrase of your colleague in the future. It’s a very wise thing to say.

It was worrying while it was happening, @Makingsenseofitall but hilarious afterwards. It's my main memory of the funeral.

I'm not actually that upset about losing my dad. He was 90 and had been having one crisis after another for 15 years and for the last two years he was bed bound, so I've kind of already done my grieving. I will miss him to the end of my days but it was way past his bedtime.

Agree that dmango's phrase is really good and it's one I'll keep handy too.