For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2025)

[Crunchymum]

A follow on from the nearly full old thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4932881-for-anyone-needing-support-after-losing-a-parent-very-supportive-thread-november-2023?page=40&reply=147297138

I hope this thread continues to be a place of warmth, support and shared wisdom.

@MiniMaxii am so sorry to hear this. My story echoes yours but I am nearly 4 months on. My lovely dad aged 80 was not in brilliant health but the last days were still hard to accept. He had an infection and the GP didn’t even see him just issued antibiotics. Me and my mum have so much guilt around should we have pushed for more help and realised sooner something wasn’t right. However We didn’t know it would end like that and hindsight hasn’t been our friend (read about hindsight bias in grief) . You can only work with what you know at the time. The guilt totally ate away at me at the start and complicated the grief so much. Now I am more at peace with knowing that we did our best with what we saw at the time but I know my mum stlll struggles with this more and feels like she failed him which is awful. You’re right the thought that this could have ended differently is so hard to bear. But equally you don’t know that all would have been well if something was done differently. I have tried to comfort myself by thinking that if the gp had seen him or we’d called an ambulance sooner then yes maybe the outcome could have been better but equally as an 80 year old I’m not brilliant health it could have been awful for him (eg in hospital for weeks suffering/ventilator etc). Just please be kind to yourself. I think guilt is a really common part of grief and we will always find something to feel guilty about. You are in the thick of it right now and the shock and rawness is overwhelming- it will get easier little by little - I’m still navigating my grief and feel like my world has been turned upside down but that sick feeling of the first month or so has eased x

@elmleemum I’m so sorry to hear this about your Dad. I have constant ifs and buts and maybes spinning around my head on repeat. And even though I know it’s not my fault exactly, ie it’s not my job to police the doctors, I know that just a small tweak here or there could have made all the difference. A real “sliding doors” situation.

The sick feeling you mention is present and correct today - have been feeling in the brink of a panic attack since I woke at 5am. Doesn’t help I was at my parents’ house and surrounded by constant reminders - comforting in some ways, just horrifically triggering in others.

I’m glad you’re feeling a little better as time has gone by.

I am unfortunately new to this group and hoping I can join you all. My Mum died last night in a hospice. She had oesophagus cancer that had spread to her lungs. She was 69 and I’m 32. She was my best friend and I will miss her so much it hurts my heart to even begin to think of my life without her. Right now it doesn’t feel real at all.

Hi @helpagirl I’m so sorry you’ve lost your lovely mum. It’s such a shock you’ll be feeling it right now. This first few days/weeks will be incredibly hard and you need to do just whatever feels right for you. I lost my mum in March and I’m quite a bit older than you but still feel the weight of the loss and often shocked I’m still standing.
Just sending you love really and please reach out to others on this thread, everyone is incredibly supportive and have helped me through some dark days xx

Sending you so much love @helpagirl. My Dad died aged 69 too, also in a hospice. I was 35 at the time. I won’t lie, I found it almost unbearable in the beginning. I know it’s cliche but please trust it’ll get easier. In the meantime, try to get as much rest as you can, cry when you need to, lean on family and friends and talk about how you’re feeling. Please use this thread as a support too. It’s a great way to process your feelings. 1 day at a time ❤️

I’ve been writing and rewriting this for weeks now - ironically I bookmarked the thread a couple of days before he died but wasn’t expecting to need it this side of Christmas. We lost our beautiful dad last month to ILD, he’d just turned 64 but had been housebound for nearly 2 years and stuck upstairs for several months. He’d had a really awful time of it and he really suffered towards the end as he was really let down by various different medical teams but as poorly as he was we thought we had longer and he wasn’t supposed to go yet (one day it’ll be a blessing that he did as it would’ve been so cruel with the progression of the disease). I know that some people have an expected death and some people are unexpected, and somehow we’ve ended up with both. I’m absolutely devastated; for me, my mum, my siblings, and my little one who is now without their grandad. Everything seems so empty and it flits between not being real to earth shatteringly awful (can’t even think about Christmas!).

I don’t know about others but I’m finding this a lot harder than pre funeral; there’s so much to sort admin and funeral wise at the start, but now it’s all done it seems like you’ve gone from everyone talking about him and asking about him to nothing. I miss him SO much and the fact that we weren’t there when he went (he went in the tiny window that he was alone) is sending me into a spin. I am absolutely terrified that he was scared or in pain even though the rational side of me knows from how he was sat that he hadn’t fallen or slipped, he was well positioned in his chair, he’d done all of his usual night routines etc he must’ve just dozed off.

Sorry - Will stop wittering on now! Sending lots of love to you all x

Oh @whichmicrowave I'm so sorry for your loss 😔
Your post resonates with me, as with my dad it was a mix of shock and semi-expected. I also definitely didn't expect to lose him before Christmas at all. In fact I thought he had around another couple of years. At the moment it's too raw and painful to talk about what happened to cause him to go (sometimes I can, sometimes I can't; but I'm so tired at the moment) but it's a shock. We'd had various times in recent years when his health declined, and we'd all semi prepare ourselves for the worst, but then he'd bounce back. He had a will to live and mostly still a quality of life and contentment, apart from times when he got infections and had to go to hospital (he had COPD) I have heard that COPD can be really horrific for some people at the end; and the quick thing that happened to my dad meant he was prevented from suffering that. More than anything I couldn't bear for him to suffer; so it might have been a divine mercy for him in some ways. But, at the moment I can't be philosophical at all, as my ability to be is eclipsed by grief. I had previously been planning to visit my parents this week, and help look after my dad (I was going back to Ireland more and more frequently for that purpose) we'd both been looking forward to it; so this week has been/is especially challenging; and yes it's very different to the funeral time, which was such a busy whirlwind. I cried loads in Ireland when preparing for the funeral, as I was so confronted by my dad's empty chair etc. But, it was cathartic and we were all so busy too, and everyone rallying round and being supportive. But now they're back to normal; and now I'm having to try to function in the every day, with more time to overthink; and feel so discombobulated, hence posting in the middle of the night.
There are moments when the pain of grief is so agonising that I find it hard to stand up. Other times I almost forget it's happened and suddenly remember, and have a shock. I was thinking one day about what I should get my dad for Christmas, and then had a shock when I remembered with a jolt. I actually can't bear to not get a present for him for Christmas, so I'm planning to make a charity donation for him, maybe the RSPB as he has always loved birds.
I'm so sorry that my post is so long. It just floods out.
Hopefully in time you'll be able to remember the many wonderful years with your dad, and be far less focused on the last bit here. I hope that for me and mine too.
Take care and sending you lots of love and healing xx

@WoodlandLove that’s a lovely idea, to get your Dad a present. I think I’ll do the same for my Mum. A donation to charity is a great idea - I think you can plant a tree in someone’s memory with the National Trust (or similar organisation), maybe there’s a bird related one too.

@MiniMaxi thank you. That'd be lovely to plant a tree or similar in memory of your mum. That'd be very fitting for my dad too, due to his love of wildlife generally, and especially birds, as they nest in trees.
I couldn't bear to get through Christmas without doing something for him, or getting him something clearly to him from me.
I'm dreading Christmas. I guess most people who've lost a loved one in recent days, weeks or months feel similar dread.
So sorry for your loss xx

Oh @WoodlandLove…Your situation sounds so similar to mine. Dad had so many health issues but always seemed to dodge a bullet every time! He had COPD too and stage 4 cancer as well as numerous other issues. He also had sepsis a few years ago and pulled through!!
He didn’t actually die from any of these so that in itself was a big shock. In fact, he’d been in hospital on IV antibiotics for a gastric issue which seemed to be getting better before he went downhill very very quickly.

In a way though, he was terrified of the pain if the cancer (which was diagnosed a few years ago & treated quite successfully) reared up again. It was there but fairly benign. He was also scared of developing dementia like my grandma. I suppose the way he died, sleeping and dosed up on morphine, was a blessing. Even tho I don’t quite see it that way just yet.

Christmas is going to be hideous isn’t it? I think buying them a gift if a lovely idea. Dad wanted a small bistro set for the garden (he adored his garden) but I like a tree or wildlife-related gift.

Hugs and solidarity to you all going through this.

I’ve woken with a banging headache, feeling like I’m full of wet cement. That’s not much fun!!

@madameimadam yes, sounds very similar.
Sorry to hear you've woken up feeling so rotten 😔 I hope your headache goes soon. I've been getting headaches too, and all sorts of physical symptoms, and just generally feel extremely drained and everything feels hazy.
Yes, I've kind of accepted Christmas is going to be hideous. Something to just get through. I think getting our lost parents gifts will definitely help a bit. I'll keep you posted, and let you know what I decide to get him.

Sending hugs and solidarity to you too.

Take care 💐

Thank you @WoodlandLove - and very sorry for yours too. I am so stuck on the “what ifs”, small things that could have made all the difference for poor Mum. In a way it’s comforting to read others’ stories to know I’m not alone, but of course I wish none of us had to go through this. I hope you have a good day today.

I know what you mean about the 'what ifs'. Rumination, regret and guilt seem to be extremely common symptoms of grief unfortunately. It's rotten for you, as you've got enough to contend with missing your mum and feeling sad, without the complication of guilt on top. But, I do think it'll lessen. Very early days.
You're clearly a very devoted daughter with absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for x Sending love to you. It's such a painful time for us all. I hope you can have a peaceful weekend 💐

My dad died this evening. My first parent to pass away. Currently numb.

Mum has dementia and is in a care home. So we need to sort everything and look after her. She thought the funeral was tomorrow when we told her this evening.

@Makingsenseofitall I’m so so sorry 💔 that sounds unbelievably difficult. Glad you’ve found this thread. Do you have support around you?

@WomanUp24 yes thank you I have real life support: thank goodness:

I'm so sorry for your loss 😔 xx

@WoodlandLoveI’m so sorry he was taken too soon from you all. Completely understand how tired you must be feeling - it’s the same here, sometimes I can talk about it in such a detached way it’s like it hasn’t happened and certainly not to us. We also had a few episodes of bouncing back too but something happened with one of the medical teams on the Friday which he didn’t bounce back from and we lost him a few days later. ILD is similar to COPD so I get it in its entirety re the suffering; you can’t bear to see them go through that (and knowing it’s going to get worse - HOW can it get worse than it is though when they’re already going through so much???) but the alternative is them not being here anymore. And then comes the guilt of almost wishing them away so they don’t have to go through a second more of it (but how can you not want them here?!? It’s such a vicious cycle). The flip back to ‘normality’ is what I’m struggling with too, here to hear about your dad any time day or night ♥️. The RSPB sounds like such a lovely idea; we’re getting dad’s ashes interred into a tree that is going to be planted in the new year and they’ll do a little ceremony while they’re planting it for us. They’re called Life for a Life if anyone is interested (you don’t have to put ashes in if you don’t want).
Sending lots of hugs your way xx

So sorry to all recent joiners and all on here. I especially empathise with those struggling with the what ifs - it’s just torture to think it could have done a different way and to not be in this position. I just keep pushing the memories of those last few days and the what if thoughts aside to help me cope at the moment but I know they will rear up again. I think with parent loss you know it’s likely coming as it’s the natural order of things but the reality is so shocking I think at whatever age it happens it’s like the end of an era and a shift in family dynamics and lots of other emotions. My main one at the moment is nostalgia for my childhood. I’m nearly 4 months in and I am having better days now but then it hits me some days like this morning and I’m glad I can come here and ‘talk’ and not feel alone. X

Sorry you’re having a rough morning. Ride the wave as best you can. It’s so hard with the what ifs / flashbacks to their last few days, as like you I try to push them aside then every so often it hits hard.

Nostalgia is a funny one isn’t it. Some days I’ve been comforted by looking at old pics, other days it’s too much to bear.

Hope you feel a bit better as the day goes on - and do come and talk on here if it helps.

@whichmicrowave thank you for your kind words. Sending lots of hugs your way too xx

I just wondered how many of you struggle when people ask how you are?

I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable by saying how rubbish I'm feeling much of the time. But if I say I'm doing OK, I feel guilty, as for one thing that's not true, and for another I'd feel guilty saying that, as I love and miss my dad so much, and want to honour him.

Someone asked me a few minutes ago, and I just said something along the lines of 'not too bad', and a bit weird'' Which also didn't get close to explaining how much I've been struggling. It wasn't someone I know well enough to be really vulnerable with to let them know how much I'm grieving; and he was busy anyway. I almost wish people wouldn't ask me how I'm feeling, as it makes me anxious to know how to respond. But, of course it's nice people ask. I felt troubled after my brief exchange a few minutes ago, and wondered how others deal with the question? I'm a chronic over thinker too, which doesn't help.
A lot of the time these days I feel so discombobulated and weird that I don't know how I feel...

@WoodlandLove I am struggling with this at the moment. I am tending to say I’m finding it quite hard to be honest but at the moment there is lots to do which is keeping me busy and helping to give structure to the days. Thwt won’t be true forever but is true right now…

@WoodlandLove feel every single word of it completely. I feel a bit like now the funeral is done it’s just expected that you’re over it in some way? Like everyone is supposed to just snap back into routine although this life isn’t right now that he’s gone, nothing’s right. I’m censoring myself a lot because I’m very conscious about coming across that I’m ‘still going on about it’ but equally that crushes me because why shouldn’t I talk about him and how hard it is without him?? Really difficult headspace to be in. Sending you lots of love - and just a reminder you don’t have to be ‘ok’ on here, we’re all here with you xx