This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

I'm finding work really exhausting at the moment, and made a stupid decision on Thursday (that turned out to have zero consequences thank goodness but I still don't really know why I made it).

Had a pretty good session with the counsellor yesterday. I said I felt like I was losing my sense of him, and she has encouraged me to bring in photos or momentoes next time and properly talk about what he was like and so on - that made me cry so much, I don't really get to talk about him like that with anyone. She also said, you've got tattoos (I do), have you thought about getting one as a memory of him - which made me laugh as I already have 3 (not usually visible) tattoos that are to do with him, including one that I got from his tattoo artist a couple of weeks after he died. I think more than 3 might start to look a bit crazy 🤣

Met a friend afterwards - she's a lot younger than me and we don't tend to overlap in our lives much anymore so I haven't seen her since J died. We were going to just meet for a drink but she had errands to run so we went round town and it was actually really nice, to be able to chat about everything that had happened with J in between getting her bits sorted and talking about her upcoming wedding - I actually felt quite normal for a change!

Trying to get uni work done today and really lacking in focus. But I really don't have the energy to do anything else so I'm just sitting here at the laptop faffing.

@atiaofthejulii Nowt wrong with faffing - I find that faffing helps to preserve my sanity.

@atiaofthejulii I think I’ve probably spent hours and hours likely hundreds of hours faffing, the amount of normal time since January probably amounts to know more than a few days I would guess.

I really do feel like I’m going backwards at the moment, but there’s some big things going on that I don’t have any say in and I’m just trying to keep calm.
Im dawdling onwards with no real purpose, I understand it’s ok to do this but I feel cheated out of the past few years of my life for a variety of reasons. I’ve spent a lot of time recently in tears of hopelessness.

Part of me wants to pack up and disappear into a life that’s normal but I can’t see how to achieve that in the current time space. I tried doing my hobby today and I just can’t get into it.

Well said ❤️

God how awful that all of us are going through this. I’m sending support to you all.
I’m having a very bad evening. I’ve just been writing to him on my phone which does help.
My 83 year old mother has just told me that I’m going to have to make more friends and go out with them and invite them round.
I was so bloody furious as that’s what she used to say to me when I was younger, before I met my husband.
I have lovely friends but I want my husband. Despite him being ill which I’ve realised I managed to ignore apart from the stress (how odd was I??) I loved my life with him, where I could really be me and he wanted to do the same things as me.
Ive come up to bed. I told her earlier that there was no need to sleep over tonight but now I think she’s too worried to leave me.
We only met when I was 34 and since then my life has been unrecognisable from that shy anxious workaholic young woman.
There must be a way to bring him back. Surely.
My mother still has my dad and yes I’m actually jealous of them and baffled that I haven’t been allowed that.
I really hope I’m not upsetting anyone with my rambles. I feel for you too, I really do.

Oh @Sunshineandbluesky you poor thing, I'm so sorry for you. Baffled is a good description - I don't understand how this has happened to me either.

How long were you two together? He sounds lovely.

My mum drove me crazy in the early days. I lost my temper with her one Friday evening when she asked me whether I had anything special planned for the weekend - I told her no, I have nothing special planned ever again. And then the next day when she was trying to apologise for that she told me that I didn't deserve this - no shit, I didn't think I did. People just say any old bollocks.

@Hisredipad one thing that has been helpful about seeing the counsellor is that whatever seemingly irrational thing I say to her, she gives me an explanation about why it's happening and reassures me that I'm normal. I'm sure feeling like you're going backwards is just another normal part of it. It's not linear. Don't pressure yourself xxx

Thank you @atiaofthejulii that’s very kind of you. We didn’t even make our 20th wedding anniversary. He was very lovely. I was on my own for a long time after some disastrous relationships and decided to be completely myself with him and if he didn’t like me, well sod it. It was a revelation being with him. He taught me how to show my feelings, even though I still wasn’t brilliant. He wasn’t ill at all when we met.
I know it must be the same for all of you, I just can’t get my head around the fact that that lovely gentle smiley man who actually looked perfectly well, I’m never going to see again. I’m desperate to see him.
Also the celebrant emailed earlier with the first draft of the funeral service which upset me so much.

It is difficult, @Sunshineandbluesky .

I recall having to correct the celebrant. I finished up practically writing the eulogy in the end - the celebrant had put "Though the stroke had robbed him of his memories, X was still able to recognise family members..."

Eh? He had mobility problems and very few memory difficulties!

That’s so awful @WearyAuldWumman !

just had some better news, which in time will hopefully move everything along. Im sitting in a dark room contemplating a very stiff drink but I’ve got to drive at 1pm so I’m here with a cuppa instead and a few ginger biscuits as I feel rather queasy.

i can’t believe the stuff that goes on with the loss of a loved one and so much of the unnecessary insensitivity. Just had a long conversation with a dear friend who strongly believes those that have been causing crap are actually none the wiser (because I’ve held my tongue on how upsetting it’s been).

I hope you all have a far better day today than you have been recently. If it gets any hotter, I think I will be investing in an air-conditioning unit next summer. I think I need a nap before I go out,

sending you all my hugs and love for being so supportive of each other xx

Thanks. I got it sorted out and the celebrant was apologetic.

He'd listened to me when asking about DH's life and taking notes, but must just have heard "stroke" and made assumptions.

Hope everyone's day has been ok. Mine's been mostly faff, wrote about 100 words for my assignment. I only need to write another 300 max and I told my daughter everything I'm going to say, just can't put it on paper! I'm a slow writer at the best of times but this weekend has been excruciating.

Messaged with J's mum this evening - I feel very sorry for her because she feels like she can't talk to anyone outside the family about him dying because of his alcoholism. I am worried that she's not getting support that she could really do with, but I can't do her grieving for her I guess. Felt almost guilty that I have lots of friends who I've been able to be very honest with, I'm seeing a counsellor, I can unload here, etc.

Thanks @atiaofthejulii had a good afternoon, forced myself off the sofa to go out this afternoon. It was good it was pre arranged as I don’t think I’d have moved otherwise and I felt a lot more normal driving home this evening (friend’s husband cooked us a full on roast dinner as apparently he has to have a roast every Sunday regardless of weather, bizarrely it was extremely scrumptious even in 29 degrees).

really need to show my face at work tomorrow, I need to input on my projects and push other stuff forward. I think if I do a normal day instead of going awol I might feel better.

@atiaofthejulii its good of you to chat with J’s mum. I wonder if I should be supporting someone but I don’t have the mental capacity for it and likely would make things worse. I have thought during this past week if I should seek counselling but I don’t feel up to feeling the despair from last week again anytime soon.

I find when I'm actually at work I'm fine, it's just afterwards that I realise how completely exhausted I am. Hope if you are there today that it goes well and you feel productive xxx

I feel better now but it took until mid afternoon, I think it’s just the heat and a lack of sleep. I worked from home in the end doing simple things but made good progress.

I searched our local bereavement service but tbh made no understanding on how they deliver it and don’t want to ring up and ask. I keep coming back to the same old thought, how can this now be my life?

I think im in need of some distraction so am going to have to push myself to go find something crafty or a cookery class so I’ve got something else to focus on.

@atiaofthejulii you should be so proud of yourself managing your get your coursework done. And how lovely of you to think of J’s mum.
@Hisredipad I’ve filled in a form with Cruse and the horrible doctor has also referred me for bereavement counselling.
We’ve been through some tough times in our life together but as long as I had a plan and him beside me I was okay. So filling in the Cruse form and emailing people to ask for help for my son distracts me a bit.
I’ve had an awful few days. First the coroner last week and then the Medical Examiner yesterday. It was excruciating. Luckily I had a family member who’s high up in the medical profession to help me. I’m very grateful for that. But it was so complicated to find out the actual cause of death. There seem to be many factors. But one thing they really upset me is there is something that they’re going to do differently from now on because of what happened.
I’m very scared. Scared of the future.

@Sunshineandbluesky im so sorry your having such a tough time, im so thankful that DH’s passing was very straightforward as our doctor visited him just a few hours before he passed and im sure that helped with the paperwork (and so so grateful nothing more was required).

You are also very brave to do the forms for Cruse (found out they are not in my area). A few things here have finally sorted themselves (but not without some possible mental scars) Infinally feel human again today but have had a lot of distractions going on and like you we’d have navigated the current problems together but of course we are not. I’ve been to a business thing today and realised it’s probably not for me but I did make a contact with a plumber who bizarrely lives really close to my aunt. Finding a plumber made my day.

I did try contacting Cruse, but DH died during lockdown, so...

When I finally heard back, I was told that the only availability in my area was some kind of social group once a week about 20 miles away. I could have driven there, but it didn't seem worthwhile since it wasn't actually counselling.

Thanks you for being kind @Hisredipad You’ve been amazing navigating all your things and I’m sorry you’ve come across such crappy people. I think people have no idea how much kindness matters in these situations.
That’s really not good about there being no Cruse in your area.
I usually hate talking about personal things to anyone except for DH so I seem to have really changed. Desperation I think.
Mind you, if they give off the slightest vibes of not being nice then that’ll be the end of it for me.
And finding a plumber is a big deal!!
Oh no @WearyAuldWumman there’s no way I want to meet anyone. Counselling is all I want. That sort of thing isn’t for me either. I’m sorry there was nothing for you in Covid. It shouldn’t be so hard.
Thank you for your company tonight. I’ve taken diazepam so will hopefully drop off soon. Again mad for a woman who resents taking paracetamol.
I hope you get a tiny bit of good in your days tomorrow.

Night all. Yes, @Sunshineandbluesky - I'm the same: have a prescription for 2mg Diazepam.

Sleep tight all.

I hope you both had good days. Today things finally went right for a change, a work thing that could have gone pear shaped went ok and then later another meeting I had about financial stuff went ok as well. Just waved my two oldest friends good bye and have just put large scampi in the air fryer as didn’t like to tell them my meeting ran over so much I hadn’t had time for dinner before they arrived. Very hungry, lol.

My hobby group have a meeting tomorrow and an unexpected Speaker on something im rather interested in so looking forward to that. But for now im waiting for my scamp and bizarrely going to watch a film for a good while to unwind from the past week. Do feel I’ve emerged a bit today. Hoping it lasts.

I’m so glad your day has gone well @Hisredipad . All those little positives and I’m glad you’ve got something to look forward to tomorrow.
After getting my son off to school I slept on and off until 2:30pm until my mother let herself in and woke me. I did take a phone call from someone in the middle that made me so upset I think I exhausted myself.
I really hope I don’t struggle to sleep tonight.
I’m finding I’m missing him more and more as each day goes by and just can’t believe that this has actually happened.
I’m revealing lots of details on here so I’m hoping this is a quiet place of Mumsnet that no one will want to look at. But it helps so much to have company even though it’s awful that you’re going through the save thing.

Aye. It's been 4 years for me, but I'll still find myself being hit by something - maybe seeing a photograph or having a memory or an experience.

I've booked a holiday to attend a wedding in Eastern Europe. It's costing an arm and a leg, but I don't know whether I'll see the oldies again if I don't go. The last time I was there 10 years ago, one of my cousins had gone.

I contacted a taxi firm one street down to see about an airport transfer, but I've only had an automated response. If I don't hear by Monday, I'm considering taking buses there instead and sitting in the airport if I can't get a room at the airport hotel. (I'm going from Glasgow rather than my nearest airport, Edinburgh.) I'm trying to see whether I can get everything that I need into a carry-on bag.

Very nervous about going on my own, which is why I have transfers organised at the other end. (The firm doesn't organise UK transfers.)

@Sunshineandbluesky you will need to sleep, I slept all night and napped all days early on. I still am napping some days especially if I’ve had emotional things going on like dealing with DH’s belongings, probate etc. your body will tell you what it needs and if you can it’s far easier to go with it.

if you don’t want to be revealing swap things, ie your cat was funny today, make it the rabbit or the dog etc. Your mum was really helpful, swap to brother, dad neighbour etc. the core feeling remain the same and can be understood easily by those of us that are here to chat.

@WearyAuldWumman im very impressed you’ve booked your holiday and I hope your hear back from the taxi people and it all becomes easier. Id like to go but can’t bear to leave our dog in kennels as its not been since before covid so I’m trying to go somewhere I can take it as well.

I’ve been awake since 5am, washed up last night wine glasses from a friend popping in, had tea and toast as my grumbly tummy wouldn’t allow me to go back to sleep, ideally would prefer to be asleep but am sooooo wide awake

I promised myself I’d do one of DH’s drawers today but …….. probably not…….
although I did do his spanner’s the other day and found a nifty screw driver set that’s now in my sewing basket to tighten my embroidery hoops 😂