This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Yes, me too, but sometimes it takes a huge effort of will even to see the things I’ve stumbled on as pockets of happiness.

It’s been months for me and it still feels new every morning.

It's very early days for you. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

I still sometimes get guilt for seeing something that DH would have loved and so on. A cousin who had lost her husband plus a teenage child (at different times) told me that grief is like a heavy burden which is always there, but the weight of it lessens with time.

Losing a husband is bad enough, but I cannot imagine the impact of losing a child. In the case of my cousin, she had to keep going for her younger child and she still had her husband at that point.

It’s DH’s funeral tomorrow.

It has all felt so surreal so far I almost don’t want to go because it will make it feel more real.

unluckynumber7 ....
Thinking of you.

Thinking of you tomorrow @unluckynumber7 .

Can understand that.
Hope you have good support looking after you during it.
Wishing you strength xxx

@unluckynumber7 i hope your DH’s funeral goes well and that you’re ok today. Thinking of you 💐💐💐

Thank you all

Thinking of you today, unluckynumber7.

Thinking of you @unluckynumber7; it will be a difficult day but hopefully there will be moments when you see how much others felt about your husband and I found that a great comfort on the day. So many people can to my husband's funeral in February; he would have been incredibly touched that so many made an effort.

Hope today goes as well as it can, @unluckynumber7

It was a wonderful send off. He would’ve been pleased. I feel worse than ever today. It’s hammered it home that he’s really not coming back. I miss him so much and I miss our simple, happy life and the love we had. My safe place. My kind, brave, intelligent, funny, loving, handsome husband.

I really get that. You hold yourself together for the funeral and, once that's over, it feels that his life really is over too.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Just concentrate on getting through each hour and be as selfish as you can be. Do whatever works best for you. And remember that everything changes. How you feel now, won't be how you feel for ever. Change may be glacially slow, but it's coming.

Wishing you strength

That's exactly it - you make yourself keep it together for the funeral. Thinking of you @unluckynumber7.

unluckynumber7 - I'm so very very sorry x

I was on the Storm thread (for spouses of people with cancer), but now that DH has passed away, I'm here instead.

It's only been 16 days, but it feels like the longest time possible - and also the shortest.

I've read this thread through several times, so am sure that you will understand what this horrendous experience is like

I've been told several times that I'm doing 'really well' - but how can that be when my heart is broken, and all that I feel is a cavernous void inside me?

I miss him so much - it's a physical pain, and all I do is cry.

So sorry @Jaffapaffa. Sending solidarity hugs to you. Yes, it is one month today since my DH passed away and I agree it feels like it’s been a lifetime but also how has it been a month already.

It’s just something people say to you so they can convince themselves it’s not that bad. They don’t have a clue.

I’m sorry @Jaffapaffa to welcome you to the other club no one wants to be a part of.

Unless you’ve lost a husband or a wife, you never going to know the pain. They think they’re being helpful. They have no idea how far from From being helpful they actually are. I had quite a rant at my mother over this and she still doesn’t get it. My dad is still alive.

It was 16 months the other day since DH passed away and although yes, I do feel much better I still get days when I find it really hard and I can’t believe how quickly time has passed.

Yes, people will tell you you're doing really well, or you're so brave when what they mean is, thank god you're vaguely upright and not just wailing uncontrollably in front of me.

The fact that the other 90% of the time you're in bed crying doesn't seem to occur to them.

Hello, Jaffapaffa. I’m a newbie here too.

People do say some horribly naff, trite things. As atiaofthejulii says, I think it mostly comes from relief that one is upright, washed and dressed, with no appreciation of the superhuman effort even that can take.

I'm so sorry, @Jaffapaffa . Yes, I remember that the part that surprised me was the actual physical pain - nothing really prepared me for that.

People who haven't been through it often say stupid things. (In fact, sometimes someone who has been through it does as well and I apologise in advance if I say the wrong thing.)

It happened during lockdown for me so I only had phone calls. I'd find myself gritting my teeth and saying that I was okay when someone asked how I was and then afterwards I'd be crying and screaming at four walls.

I'm sorry that you're going through this too. Words are so inadequate. Just know that we're thinking of you.

I was coerced into watching an online funeral a fortnight after my husband's. (That of my DH's DIL's sibling.)

Afterwards, over the phone the DIL sounded very disapproving of the fact that her sibling's partner had broken down after the transmission had stopped. She'd commented that they weren't really noticing her sibling's absence, since he'd been in a medical facility for so long.

My impression is that the spouse is expected to be strong so as not to upset or inconvenience others.

@ThisHazelPombear absolutely and @atiaofthejulii and @ComeIntoTheGardenMaud yes, I have felt several times that people are relieved that I seem to be semi-civilised when seeing them.

I'm meeting a friend for coffee soon - and just as well, as otherwise I would still be in bed with the covers pulled over my head.

@WearyAuldWumman the physical pain has been so bad - I just ache in every joint. Initially I thought it was due to sleeping by DH's bedside, but now I think it's just stress.

And thank you @Hisredipad for welcoming me to - as you so rightly say - another club that none wants to be part of.

I've decided to put some photos together for the service and the tea afterwards, and am now driving myself mad with trying to locate as many as possible.

I know I've taken oodles of photos - I have boxes upn boxes of them - but so far a day of searching has yielded just 8 photos pre 2007. We met in 2001, so there should be a LOT more.

I have however also found a box of about 20 undeveloped reels of film, and am now contemplating getting them developed. Of course, there's no guarantee that they can even be developed - and it might just be endless views from a holiday - but the thought that DH might be on one or two is so frustrating.

And I can't find SD cards with other photos on
Why didn't I just upload them at the time??

Probably because I saw no urgency at all, and had mentally filed it under 'things to do when I retire and have loads of time to spend with DH'.