This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

I still haven't sorted through all of DH's things.

I did sort through his mother's things...She died in the 1970s. I'd started untangling her jewellery a good while before. It had been in his former family home and he was (understandably) told to pick up his mum's stuff when his ex moved out of there - I think it was all in the attic.

There was his mum's Singer sewing machine which (inexplicably) was missing one vital part - which a local chap fixed for us. There was also a wooden box of paperwork and a wooden jewellery box made by his grandfather.

All the jewellery was in a tangled mess and we thought that it was all costume jewellery. I'd gradually been untangling and had picked out the reasonable looking pieces for his granddaughter. Had got the local jeweller to do a minor repair on one piece.

I have thoughts as to how the sewing machine got broken, but I'm a nasty suspicious so-and-so.

Unbeknownst to my husband, his ex still had a lot of his family photos. She'd been 'nice' and had stuck them all down on an 'album' which was a folder with sheets of A4 paper. Some of them were more than a century old and she'd stuck them all down with glue in a random manner and had written her own annotations next to them - presumably for the kids.

One annotation claimed that my husband's foster sister had been 'disowned'. This really had upset DH. He told me that his parents hadn't been happy about her marriage - she was only 16 and married an older chap - but she'd not been disowned. She'd died young of a brain tumour.

Anyway, I spent months going through this and untangling it. Then thought that I saw a hallmark on one piece. Short version: it wasn't all costume jewellery.

I got some more mended by the jeweller and sent most of it to DH's granddaughter and some to the kids. I also found a set of service medals and "Dead Man's Penny"/memorial plaque from WW1 which I sent to his son.

I kept three pieces of the costume jewellery for myself - three of the broken items. (I checked that they weren't worth a lot in monetary terms first.) The gold and silver was sent to the kids. That included a 9ct gold regimental sweetheart brooch which must have belonged to my MIL's mother. (I did a bit of online research and there was someone with the MIL's dad's name in that regiment - surprising, because it was an English regiment. (You can get some info online from the National Archives.)

Yes, it turned out that most of the 'brass' was gold and the 'tin' was silver.

I got hold of my husband's siblings and they helped me to correct misinformation in the album. I carefully removed and copied some of the historical pictures.

The business with the pictures was weird. The ex is not an idiot, and I'm not sure whether or not was malice was involved.

The family tree is complicated, which is why none of the jewellery went to Dh's siblings - they were brought up separately from DH and had no connection with my MIL. They know that the jewellery was sent to the kids. Ditto the medals. They're fine with that.

@Sunshineandbluesky sleep as much as you need - I think it's our brain's way of saying ok, that's enough for a bit, need to switch off.

@Hisredipad seriously, sorting out spanners seems like a good start. Did you get any further? Hope your weekend has been ok x

@WearyAuldWumman this wedding trip sounds like a major endeavour! Hope you can get a taxi sorted without too much further hassle.

I finished my massive portfolio for uni last night - well, I say that, there's stuff I need signed off by someone who's on sick leave, so I won't be submitting for tomorrow's deadline, but I've done everything else I can. Have another little deadline for a draft this week but will finish that on Tuesday, and the final piece for that module is due in early August.

So feeling a bit anticlimactic today. My daughter who lives with me is away with her dad, and I can't be bothered to do anything else. I've spent most of the day so far alternating between a bit of TV and the just-published latest Rivers of London book. Just feel so empty all the time.

@atiaofthejulii well done for getting your uni work finished. That must be a real relief and I really am with you on the feeling empty.

I seem to be on a massive yo-yo. Today is a good day. Yesterday was half and half. It was really busy Thursday and Friday with work. Do seem to find if my brain is actively engaged on the whole I’m okay.

I spent most of the day in the garden today. We have a tiny fish pond. I haven’t been able to see the fish for weeks now and so yesterday I set about making a plan to empty it and clean the bottom. Took me about four hours and I had to dechlorinate water in a big paddling pool yesterday in order to be able to do it.

I had a bit of a panic as I was putting the fish back in that I’d lost one was I only counted six but fortunately it was just hidden at the bottom of the bucket and now they are all swimming around wondering what on earth has happened I expect

It’s just started raining here so I packed up and came in doors back on the sofa now with a coup of tea.

I’m getting close now to the six month anniversary. I think it’s getting harder to bear I’m not sure that this whole it gets better in time is true. If anything I worry now that people expect you to be better and then I quite surprised when you’re just a bit of a pile of tears.

I didn’t really do anything in the end sorting out wise, it’s bin day tomorrow and I’m annoyed with myself because I promised myself I’d fill up the bin every week without fail. DH was a gadgets man, I found all sorts of stuff probably from 70’s and 80’s which probably should be museum pieces so not quite sure what to do with them.

I think someone said that grief comes in waves?

My experience was that the first year was surviving and getting through all the firsts - things like his birthday, our wedding anniversary...but also the first time that he wasn't there to see the crocuses opening or to meet up with family, that kind of thing. The second year is hard in a different way.

It's been 4 yrs for me now and not as constantly excruciating as it was: the first few months I was on my own during lockdown and literally screaming at the living room walls.

I still find it difficult to motivate myself and to cope with paperwork (actual or online) or dealing with tradesmen etc.

I'm still having difficulty putting out things that belonged to DH. I've been trawling the house for his books on military history to hand into a charity bookshop in St Andrews. I'll not read them, and I'm conscious that it has to be done - either by me or by someone else once I'm gone.

Re: other people's expectations - they don't know if they've not been through it.

Well done for dealing with the fishpond @Hisredipad ! Sounds like a massive task.

@WearyAuldWumman so true about other people's expectations. I really value being able to talk to people who get it.

I forgot to say, my daughter got her degree results and got a first! She thought she would be borderline so it was not a given, very very pleased. Obviously I thought about J because he would have been as proud of her as of his own, but I didn't say anything to her. And then a short while later she came to me and said she'd got emotional thinking about how happy he would have been for her - that really meant a lot to me, she would generally roll her eyes at his enthusiasm.

Oh, congratulations to your daughter @atiaofthejulii !

@WearyAuldWumman i don't know if any of your DHs military books have some historic interest, depending on the topic, era etc - the Imperial War may like to take one or more of them.

There's a page on their website that gives details of what they are interested in, drawings, historic maps, books etc especially if they're in good condition,

https://www.iwm.org.uk/collections/managing/offer-material/what-we-are-collecting

I volunteer for a military charity and from time to time a deceased veteran's family seek our support to donate to the museum. They gain comfort from the thought that their loved one has contributed to the historic records.

@atiaofthejulii that’s wonderful news about your daughter! Congratulations! And for finishing your portfolio. What a massive achievement.
@WearyAuldWumman 4 years on it all sounds so sad.
@Hisredipad that was a massive job you did with the fish pond!
I’m finding life pretty unbearable and if it wasn’t for my son would gladly go to sleep and never wake up.
My mum didn’t sleep here for the first time last night and I’ve driven her to the shops and my son to school. My first time out.
My dad has injured his leg so she needs to look after him and he can’t drive now. He is in his late 80s.
I’ve not had that feeling of waking and forgetting that he’s died before, as I’ve felt it all night long. But maybe it’s because I was back in my own bed I woke today thinking I must tell dh about the awful dreams I’m having about him having died. I then I thought oh my god, it’s actually happened.
I actually think that loving someone and having them love you back so much isn’t the best thing in the world. It’s actually a trick and it’s the worst thing.

@Sunshineandbluesky I think grief attacks us all in different ways
For a long time, I felt safe in the house And shielded from my grief because DH had been in hospital and me being home alone wasn’t unusual

For me, it was The going out and not going to him that caused the most agonising

I’m really sorry, but I don’t have any answers for you. I can’t even tell you it gets better. I can tell you that you do have better days. But that unfortunately is definitely peppered with not a good days.

I’m at the six month mark now struggling somewhat, but I think part of that is down to the fact that I’ve actually been able to slow down in my working life in the past few weeks and that in itself has given me more time to think about my dear DH

I try and do little things. This week my intended little thing is to try and eat properly.

I find I sleep better with the telly on

I have this really annoying habit of not being able to stay awake for any TV programme and generally end up watching it on catch up some other time having slept on the sofa most of the evening

So I’ve now got all the TV catch ups on my iPad and I set it to auto off on a timer about an hour after I go to bed

It’s very rare that I’m awake when it goes off
But on the nights, I’ve not bothered because I’m tired half an hour later I’ve ended up putting it on

I don’t really have any advice other than do try to eat and drink properly because at least if your body is nourished you know that your brain troubles are out of grief.
Where I didn’t eat properly on a few occasions, the exhaustion with the grief was really difficult to fight my way out of

One thing that have found good is doing things that I enjoy with other people
So if you can make time to do things that your son enjoys at home or away from home and learn to laugh a little that is definitely a good medicine. 💐💐💐

hi hope its alright to post on this thread because the This is Life title got to me.

I lost my father after caring for him at home for 5 years. I love him so much and he loved me too. I think the strain of caring really took it out of me. I'd been doing ok probably shock as his passing at the time was unexpected. I've just hit the 6 month barrier and it's been horrific and I've felt so low.

I've had a rough few days compounded by a series of bereavement anniversaries some related to other people. Normally rough days pass but this seems to be getting worse day on day and not passing. It all seems too much and I don't know what to do. I can't face this life alone and with no love.

I am very very sad and am isolating myself because I can't face people and don't want to. I don't want to live like this. I read the whole of this thread and someone said it was like living in black and white with no colour and that is sort of how I feel but worse.

I don't know if it's related because I've never been a very 'people person' at the best of times but now the slightest thing makes me think venomous thoughts of hate about people. I basically hate everyone or that's how it feels apart from about 2 friends. I know what is wrong with me is grief but I can't live like this.

That expression 'stop the world I want to get off' is exactly how I feel. I want it to end because I have no life, no future and I'm so so miserable and so alone. Like I said, normally this passes but I feel stuck and getting worse and worse every day. I just want to walk out of my life not that I have much life.

Hoping someone can tell me this really will get better.

It does gradually get better.

As for the venomous thoughts? Guilty. I cracked about 3 months after my husband's death. His kids have gone NC. I quite understand why. In many ways, it's possibly better for me - I was never going to be anything other than an afterthought.

I look back and it seems to me (possibly unfairly) that their dad became an encumbrance to them after he became ill. NB They did none of the caring. I did twice ask the son to help me advocate for his dad during two separate hospital stays. DH had one visit from his son when he had his stroke.

The kids do live at the other end of the country, but the daughter could have visited him at least once. They always timed their visits back home (where they'd stay with their mother and whichever partner she was with) for when DH was no longer in hospital.

I can't give you any advice, @idontknowwhattodoOR , but I can try to tell you how it feels/felt for me.

I cared for both my parents, though they lived in their own home. After Mum died, I was all she had. We eventually managed to move her in here. For a long time, I was working full time, caring/advocating for my parents and husband...

I reluctantly quit my job at 58 - that's where all my social life was. When you're a carer, the world often becomes a smaller place.

Dad died 14 yrs ago; Mum 10. At some point after DH died I realised that part of the emptiness was no longer having a purpose in life or a reason to get up in the mornings.

I tried doing some supply teaching, but it's very different from being in a permanent school and there were no part-time jobs available in my specialism the past year. I was offered a full-time job, but I'm not up to it now. (65 yrs old now and dealing with 5 classes of teenagers a day gets to be a bit much.)

I'm trying to get out in the world again. Daft though it might sound, for me the local gym has become my safe space. Haven't been able to go today - I have a dental appointment.

When I do go, I have a workout and then go to the cafe for a meal. It overlooks the swimming pool, so I sit there with my meal, tend to scroll through my phone, sometimes speak to people.

I've joined a couple of classes there and I'm now getting better at chatting to people. My fitness level has improved and it's definitely helped my state of mind.

thank you for replying to me @WearyAuldWumman

I'm sorry for your loss and sorry to hear about your children. I donn't understand that kind of behaviour because I would have done anything for my parents.

I think I'm finding this so hard because after my mum died I still had the focus of my dad and looking after him and that I found these rough days would pass.

at the moment though it seems it's not passing and its getting worse and worse. I am barely working - doing a bit here and there remotely. I used to love my work and had a real passion for it and now I just don't want to do it at all and I hate all the people I work with. I fantasise about giving up work and retiring but really so I don't have to deal with people. Its not like I'm fantasising about travelling the world, I'd just stay in the house. \I could afford to do it for a few years I suspect and if I died young it would be fine but eventually the money would run out.

I feel so despondent about everything. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate everyone and I miss my dad with all my heart. I've felt like this for days on end and its not passing. why is getting worse and worse? normallly it passes.

@idontknowwhattodoOR I should clarify that I was never a mother figure to my husband's kids - they were adults when his first marriage broke up. (His ex met someone at work.) They could have been a bit more thoughtful, however.

I'm glad that you still have work to give you a focus. (Even though it's not easy, I know.)

I thought that I'd find Mum's death easier to handle than Dad's, because Mum had dementia and was so physically weak. (That sounds horrible when I say it out loud.)

I was wrong. Somehow, it was worse - I guess because that was me finally without my parents. It did get better, however. It really did.

I'm rooting for you.

Thank you for your kind reply to me @Hisredipad . I sobbed in the car park waiting for my son tonight because my husband would have come with me, to get out of the house. It was a little treat for him. Which sounds ridiculous as he was an independent, young and fit looking man. Pity about his heart!
Just when I think I can’t feel worse, I do.
I did sleep on the sofa all morning though which was an incredible relief to get away from the pain.
@idontknowwhattodoOR life is very very unfair. I used to not understand people saying that, because I was always good at being positive, despite being a very anxious person. Now I think it absolutely stinks. I’m so sorry you’re so lonely. I really hope you can find meaning to your life again.
I look at all the people walking past and think of all the people I know. Some really not very nice people. And wonder why, when dh and I tried really hard all our lives to be good kind people, why this happened to us.

I suppose there is no magic wand to wave above our head and make it all better.

And I would imagine that the level of care we’ve had to give and the time probably has some mathematical calculation on how our long own mental health takes time to recover from it. I do know that in the first two months my body was physically worn out.

@idontknowwhattodoOR a bit like you im close to the six months mark. I’m struggling when I think in reality I thought I would be getting on better. that’s not to say I don’t have good days or shall we say parts of days are better? Trouble is theres generally a trigger and they generally come from directions that I wasn’t expecting them to.

I promised myself I would do at least two positive things today. In the end, I have done four. Two were very simple phone calls but I really was not keen to pick up the phone. But there are days when nothing is achieved.

Also as time moves on, I think it’s harder to be honest with people about how i feel. People generally feel that having gone six months down the line things should be improving.
Well I have sorted out quite a lot of stuff, but that’s more practical stuff and actually that’s pretty easy but sorting your head is soo hard especially if like me I can’t even explain how I feel. For a long time I felt fraudulent. Not sure if anybody else understands that, but that was the only word I could put to the feeling

The only thing that I can honestly say is that you just need to look after yourself. You need to nourish your body with food and sleep and when things are tough, let it out.
Quite a few people have suggested I go for counselling and I’m on the lookout for somebody to see. My biggest problem is, I can’t even work out how the heck they will help me. But just the other day I got some help with a work issue and things got easier so I’m of the opinion I have to trust that another person will know how to help me.

@Hisredipad I think saying that you just have to trust that the counsellor will know how to help you is an excellent way to think.
I hate hate asking for help but talking and talking and talking! about what has happened and about him and how I don’t understand etc is helping me feel less insane. I’m really hoping I can get counselling soon. I know a lot of people say it’s too soon but I feel I need it.
I also think that you’re correct in that many of us have years or months of (illness) trauma to deal with.
I think your idea of setting tasks for each day is an excellent one too. Just something to aim for. I detest speaking on the telephone so am extra impressed.

I have - I hope - managed to organise my airport transfer for the family wedding that I'm attending in 10 days.

Still waiting for the e-tickets and insurance - supposed to come by post. I know that that sounds like a contradiction for the e-tickets: I'm assuming that they're sending me a printout of the QR code or whatever for me to show at the airport. The wedding is in Eastern Europe and the airport there is allegedly modern, but...

I speak a little bit of the language, but I'm far from fluent. I have enough knowledge of the language to cause annoyance to officials but that's about it. Plus I have to go via Frankfurt and I've forgotten all my schoolgirl German.

I wasn't going to go, but events of the past few years have focussed my mind somewhat. If I want to see my relatives again, I'd better go now.

I do the same as @Hisredipad and try to set tasks for the day. Confirming the taxi was one of those for today.

I've had people telling me I can just drive to Glasgow Airport, but I really can't. The last time I drove, I had DH with me. I just don't have the confidence on my own. I had to take over all the driving after his stroke, but he was a really steadying influence. All I needed was to feel him reaching over and giving my thigh a reassuring squeeze and I was fine.

Really pleased @WearyAuldWumman your travel plans are coming together and I hope the languages do not prove too difficult. Im sure once you’re back you will have a renewed confidence.

I organised a bit of an outing thing today. Im quietly rather scared but I was planning to do it before DH passed and he was very much behind me doing it. I’ve yet to book it but I went to the place where the course is recently and discussed it again today.

if talking helps @Sunshineandbluesky then I’m sure counselling is right for you, my problem is I don’t know what I’d talk about. Can someone interpret a wave of helplessness or the feeling of not living in the real world. I did read back through some of my posts here and elsewhere and I can see I’ve moved on but not necessarily in a good way.

I had my main meal at lunchtime today and a lunch size snack at 6pm in an effort to start eating properly. I can’t be fussed to cook at 5pm, ive run out of steam and energy. My goal for tomorrow is another phone call and a batch cook meal of something mince based but haven’t decided what.

@idontknowwhattodoOR I'm so so sorry for your deep loss. I think there are just going to be setbacks at times and we have to accept them and live through them and things will improve. You sound very lonely, I wonder if when you're feeling a little lighter, there's a bereavement group or something you could look for.

@Sunshineandbluesky I've found counselling useful as a place where I can just say whatever I like and I don't have to have any concern what she'll think of me, or J. I've also had completely useless counselling many years ago! I think you have to be prepared that you might not find the right person first time.

I've always got a to do list. It's what has got me through my course so far - breaking everything down and only putting each week what I think is manageable. Also if I think about it once, I don't have to think again, I just do what it says. For normal life I tend to have a 'wish list' and then plan a few days, giving each day whatever looks doable. But honestly, if you're getting anything done at the moment I think you're doing really well!

@WearyAuldWumman you won't need any German in Frankfurt, everyone useful will speak perfect English, and Germans love to use it. No luck with the taxi to Glasgow yet? What a pain x

@Hisredipad I think you're doing well with your cooking and your meals. With my daughter away over the weekend I mixed up a big bowl of tuna mayo with sweetcorn, cucumber, peppers in it, and every time I got hungry I just put some in a sandwich! Once I added cheese and put it in the panini press. I really can't be bothered, I'm mostly eating snack food and putting on weight.

Thanks @atiaofthejulii. I now have an email confirming the taxi. The only further glitch concerned the manner of payment. (Reminded me of another thread on here.)

He's telling me that I can't pay by card - he's "already given [me] a substantial discount". (Doesn't feel like it!) Has to be electronic or cash, presumably because of bank charges.

I've paid the deposit electronically on the laptop, but don't fancy paying the balance on my phone at the airport - it's something I've never done. I'll just have take out a wad of cash.

@WearyAuldWumman I think you’ve been incredible organising all that with all the difficulties placed in your way. But
I’m not sure if that sounds patronising. Because my friend told me today that I’m doing so well and have come so far in the last few weeks.That horrified me. I’ve done things that I have no choice but to do. I don’t feel one jot better. Both parents have been unwell this week so I’ve had no choice. I can’t go to pieces for my son. Although to be honest I’m very close to it a lot of the time.
The death certificate is now in the post from the hospital/district where he died. So now things will start moving for the funeral and I don’t want that to happen. Signing the declaration for the death certificate felt like saying yes, that’s correct, he no longer exists. Which was such a betrayal of him.

@Sunshineandbluesky Not patronising at all - thank you.

I don't know if the forms are different in other parts of the UK, but having my name under "widow" on the death certificate was hard. There's also the fact that in Scotland any former marriages have to be listed, with the full name and profession of the previous wife. I later realised I'd given her profession at the time of the divorce, not their wedding, though I'd given mine at the time of marriage.

Having to deal with matters pertaining to the cremation was particularly difficult, I recall.

Do you have someone who can accompany you to the funeral director's etc?

@WearyAuldWumman I haven’t seen the death certificate yet as it’s being sent in the post but I’m sure seeing the word widow will break me.
That sounds so odd having to add ex-wives and upsetting too.
My husband’s brothers will help with the funeral arrangements. They’ve only just done their dad’s. But I think I know what I want for the actual funeral. It’s just the saying and doing that’s hard. I’m very worried about being asked for clothes and about a coffin and things like that though.