This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Oooooh. Hugs from me too!

I’m so sorry that you’re all having such a tough time. Birthdays and doing things by yourself without knowing you have that quiet support behind you must be awful.
I haven’t left the house yet and to be honest, until my mother mentioned it earlier, the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
My son is going to school each day and I’m dreading the school holidays coming up as there’ll be no routine to my day. He’s a teenager and my husband has been helping me deal with the fact that lately he doesn’t want to be around us anymore. I was beginning to think that it was quite nice to get our time back together.
I’ve done a bit of tidying today so that’s new. Every day I’m trying to shower and brush my teeth because I’m scared that I’ll lose myself in a world of nothing, if that makes sense?

It makes sense. The nothingness is very appealing at times. I've sort of kept going but I'm starting to run out of steam. In a few weeks the academic side of my course will be over and in theory I'll be back at work full time and I cannot get my head round that at all.

How's your son doing back at school?

I find leaving the house the hardest. DH was in hospital pretty much the last couple of months of his life. Being here alone is still as if he’s elsewhere, it’s ok, going out is the hardest not heading to the hospital to see him, or passing (or having to go to same hospital myself recently) is sooooo hard.

showers, teeth brushing and trying not to eat biscuits were exhausting but have finally got better at. I make a point of choosing an outfit, some jewellery etc and not just chucking on same smelly track suit. I do one decluttering job a day, mainly drawers at the moment, even if it means only a couple things get binned but the drawer is easier to navigate. Still trying to find the courage to do his clothes. I did some just a few weeks after he passed but then couldn’t do it any more.

as everyone says, there’s no rush, that’s the hardest to know I’ve got all the time I need but don’t actually want to

Yes @Hisredipad having all the time in the world is no help is it? My parents are still alive in their 80s for which I’m very lucky, but I may have 30 years ahead without him, which seems so cruel and lonely.
I was very independent before I met him but boy was it so lovely to have a real best friend to do and say everything with. I just can’t get my head around it and want him back so badly.
I know you all do.
My son is going into school every day @atiaofthejulii and the school have been absolutely wonderful. Poor poor boy. He hasn’t cried yet.
God don’t you think that this life and death business is actually really crappy?

DH used to sing in folk clubs. Many years ago, he made a tape of songs for me.

It was lost and I found it again after he died. Had it transferred to an MP3 file and somehow managed to copy it to my phone.

I didn't realise that by doing that, I was giving the Bluetooth system in my car access to it. The first time I heard him singing through the car sound system, for a second I thought I was having a supernatural experience.

Today, I was listening to him singing and introducing each song and I felt as though I could just reach out and pull him back to me.

@Sunshineandbluesky DH was a fair bit older than me but all of his family lived till their 90s. I feel exceptionally cheated that he didn’t. In theory we should’ve had at least another 20 years together but like you are I probably face being on my own another 30 too. it’s definitely crap losing your best friend. It was my second marriage and so much more than my short first one lacked. He was my everything.

@WearyAuldWumman i have two thirty second videos of DH where he is talking but laughing too. I’ve copied them to many places as I couldn’t bear to lose them. I worry about forgetting his voice. How wonderful your DH sang for you xxxx

God don’t you think that this life and death business is actually really crappy?

Yup. Years ago, soon after I got married the first time, my previous boyfriend died. That really knocked me for six, and it was hard because we obviously weren't together and I was married to someone else, and I think I couldn't grieve properly and got a bit stuck and was basically a wreck for quite a long time. So I know a bit about complex grief and I feel like I'm doing better this time, but the prospect of never quite being ok again is so shit.

Not that I'm even contemplating the thought of another relationship now, but I did think that if I do find a partner to grow old with, I want someone younger, mentally and physically fit, and I want to die first because I don't want to have to do this again.

@WearyAuldWumman how lovely to have recordings of him singing - you must have been so pleased to have found them again! Can imagine that felt really spooky though the first time it played in the car.

I love listening to the handful of voice notes that I have from him. We are lucky to have so many ways to remember them I guess.

@atiaofthejulii you have had a lot of loss. I really feel for you, because I know how that feels.

a previous boyfriend died in a horrific accident when I was 26. Exactly 26 years later my husband died after being unwell for only three days. The sudden bereavements are the most awful, I feel convinced.

I also cannot go through all this again.

I have been thinking lately that lots of people don’t have a shocking sudden bereavement even once in their lives. If their partner or husband does first (and they don’t always), it doesn’t happen until their 70s, and even then they get lots of warning, a decline, etc.

Here I am at 52 recovering from it again!

I know objectively that life will never be quite as good again. Yes, I do feel somewhat sorry for myself.

Sending huge big love to everybody out there who is attempting to survive a great loss 💔 ❤️‍🩹

I'm sorry that you've been through this.

You're probably right: my husband was a decent age and it wasn't unexpected, given his health issues, but I was in denial to an extent. It was still shocking to me when it happened and the way that it happened (which I won't detail) was quite traumatic.

I do think it's much worse for widows whose husband's died at a younger age - it seems (and is) particularly unfair.

I’m really sorry if it seemed I was undermining your (or anyone’s) loss. Grief is terrible however it happens. I’ve lost interest in life, I think. I was at my favourite place a week ago and it didn’t bring any particular pleasure. I’m sorry again if I was tactless or insensitive.

Just to add @Hisredipad that that is why I copied the music to my phone - to have it in as many places as possible.

His voice was on our answerphone message. I was distraught when I pressed the wrong button and lost it. Over a year later, there was a problem with my BT account. The call handler put me through to tech support to reinstate my answerphone service (which by then just had the generic message). I'd mentioned what had happened, for some reason, and then I heard the (woman) call handler saying: "Oh! It's a gentleman's voice!"

Yup. There must have been a back-up somewhere and she'd reinstated it. I now have an MP3 of it on my laptop plus saved to the cloud plus on my back-up drive.

It's just "You have got through to the home of AuldWumman and X Weary. If there's no answer, please leave a message after the tone. Thank you."

I was blubbering when I realised that I had it back.

With regard to the lack of time together, I remember that when I got the sympathy cards, the one person who really "got" it was the former colleague who wrote "I'm sorry that you didn't get the time to retire together."

No, no. Please don't apologise. You're not undermining anything - it's particularly hard when your spouse is younger. My husband was 20 yrs my senior, is what I mean.

I'm genuine when I say that it's worse when someone is younger.

As for losing interest in life - yes, I understand that very well. The first two years, I just wanted to blot out the world. Sometimes I still do.

You think that you're coming to terms with it and then it just hits all over again.

My husband used to say that I was his best friend and he was certainly mine. We fought like cat and dog sometimes, but by God I miss the auld bugger with every fibre of my being.

Some of it is selfishness on my part too. I had another health scare but got the all clear last week. I wouldn't have worried about dropping dead - but I was scared of going through something painful on my own.

Please, please don't apologise. It really is so much tougher when someone passes at a younger age.

Right. I'll share something here that I really shouldn't.

When DH died, his first wife (now with Partner Number 4 if you include DH: DH, Affair Partner, Partner/Widower, Partner/Widower) was very much acting as if she were the widow - and I've no doubt that she really did feel sad.

She tried to persuade me to put his ashes in a place of her choosing. Anyway...When I got the memorial done, I told them to put "Beloved Husband of Weary Maiden Name" as per the Scots tradition of using the wife's maiden name on a memorial. The reason for that was that - as I said - she was acting like she was the grieving widow and I finally snapped. She's kept her married surname and her forename is similar (but not identical, thank goodness) to mine.

I wanted to make sure that no one thought that DH was her husband when they saw the memorial. Daft, bitter and twisted of me, I guess, but some of her behaviour after his death pushed boundaries to say the least.

For various reasons, it was well over a year before the memorial could be inscribed. I joked to cousin that - just to make sure - I should get the mason to write: "Beloved Husband of Trophy Wife Weary Maiden Name". [NB I'm mousy/greying and plump.]

I was perplexed when my cousin reacted with shock. She didn't realise that I was kidding.

[Sorry. I'm an evil old witch.]

so glad @WearyAuldWumman you got your answerphone message back ❤️. DH and I were together pretty much all day every day for the past 17 years due to my going to work for him after suffering an illness and workplace bullying left him telling me to jack it in and come and work for me after his admin person retired. I cherish all those hours together because in a strange mathematical way they’ve added years to our togetherness and at least got to understand his bad filing system (and improve it 😂).

My friend who came recently told me she thinks I haven’t had the chance to grieve, that there’s been too many other things going on, I’m wondering if she’s right but also a lot scared of when that may come. Im on full crap alert at the moment, also gone off the boil a bit and feeling strangely bold (did and outing thing today and my dad was 😳 and he said ‘you ok? Not your style’. Not sure if that’s a compliment or not, and if I do get to use it I can see said friend saying ‘oooo you’ve grown a pair, go you!’

Honestly, @Hisredipad - I've had a similar discussion with a pair of older widow pals. It's basically that the worst thing that can happen to us has happened, so our days of giving a flying f-f-f-fruitcake are over!

We are much alike I think. DH was similar years older.

love love love your memorial inscription and witchy version.

Ha ha ha

i might steal the flying fruitcake, I used to manage a team of 30 blokes and swear like a trooper, especially recently. DH didn’t swear, he’d give me a look, I tried saying sugar for a few years but F has unfortunately returned recently. Flying fruitcake is much more elegant 😀

I lost my partner to cancer in November 2022. He died 12 weeks after being told he had terminal cancer. I still miss him every day, and it still hurts so much.

So sorry for your loss @ilovepixie please tell us about him if you’d like 💐💐💐

This is a lovely thread, thank you for making it. My partner died just over 18 months ago and today a lovely picture of him came up on a FB memory and reminded me how much I miss him.

So sorry for your loss @TeddyOatmeal, I love photo memories. DH and I did a few cruises back in his more youthful looking days, I have three on my dressing table where he’d been caught unaware of the photographer and they are some of the most natural reminders of how he looked to me.

I used the "flying fruitcake" in the school staffroom when I was still working. I thought that the RE teacher was going to pass out one day. "Oh, thank goodness!" quoth she. "For a moment..."

It's a good job she never heard me in the Department Base!

@ilovepixie @TeddyOatmeal so glad you found this thread, it's been such a helpful place for me since my boyfriend died, a place where I can say whatever daft thing is on my mind, to people who get it. I hope we can provide some support to you as well.

Spent all day with various friends or on phone with family. It was a good distraction. Tonight I got invited by neighbours to an impromptu sausage on the bbq so more distraction but coming home has been hard. The heat hasn’t helped it’s still 20 degrees here but it’s quite windy too.

Had a haircut today. It's quite chilly, I think, and the wind is getting up.

Trying to get organised to go to a family wedding next month. Don't really feel like it - it's abroad - but if I don't go to this, there are some elderly relatives that I might not see again.