This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

I came across some of those old disposable cameras after DH died. I only got round to getting one of them developed about 3 years after the funeral. To my surprise, there were holiday photos of him that I have no recollection of taking.

As you say, we tend to put some things off.

There were 26 rolls of undeveloped film, which I've now taken to be processed.

And only realised a few hours later that they probably won't be ready in time for the funeral.

I also managed to find DH's camera - alas - lots of pictures of me, and DDog, but only a couple of DH.

When my wife died I couldn't get access to her iPhone nor ipad. Apple were really unhelpful, telling me to bring it into their shop, only to then tell me I had to write off to head office. I just wanted to get the photos she had; I still have the devices but have never been able to get access to them

As I said to them; this must be a very common issue - how have they not got a better solution? They said they could wipe the devices and then give me control but they couldn't let me access the contents, even though I was the sole inheritor of her estate and the executor of her will

I have access to DHS’s email and I managed to reset quite a lot of stuff that way, but I never told any of them he’s passed away. One of the main reasons was that DH email was our main business account email so I need to get back into it quite a lot to get to statements and business info.

Gosh, that's so difficult for you - I can't imagine how frustrating that must be.

Seeing how many photos DH had taken of me - and how happy I was in them - did however just make me cry endlessly for the future that has been taken away so suddenly. None of them were taken in exotic or exciting locations - they were just small glimpses of our peaceful and contented life together.

I had DH's code to access his phone - towards the end he couldn't even manage to answer it himself so where possible I would act as his PA. We now know that he'd had at least one stroke that hadn't been picked up, hence his problems with sight and comprehension. But at the time we just thought it was the worry about starting chemo.

And knowing that my poor boy was struggling so much just then sets me off again

I was only able to memorialise DH's FB account - which we'd opened at the request of a family member - because I'd managed it for him.

After he died, I risked naming myself as the legacy contact, waited a few days and then sent a link to his online obituary and crossed my fingers.

The only problem I ever had was when I posted some pictures of him and a link to a file of him performing, for a birthday. Suddenly, all the pictures on his account disappeared - every single one, including those which had been up for a few years.

I'd changed the settings to allow friends of friends to see them. I guessed that someone must have reported some of the pictures. (I can't remember exactly how that works now, but it used to be possible to tick a box saying that you objected to some pictures. You didn't have to give a reason.)

Anyway, I changed the settings back to friends only. That didn't work. I then blocked the three people I suspected might have objected. All the pictures came back and I've left the account for friends only.

Sending hugs.

This thread has been so helpful to me; it's lovely to be able to share my grief and not worry about being boring or upset for too long. And it's also a privilege to share all your grief too and to feel connected and supported

I’m so grateful that we have our safe space here on mumsnet and for the support we give and receive. It’s truly a blessing albeit a sad one to know you all xxxx

The draft eulogy for the funeral arrived last night from the celebrant for me to check through, but I just can't face reading it.

Mainly because the whole thought of the funeral next Wednesday fills me with dread and worry.

I'm finding it harder and harder to get through each day.

Is there a friend or family member who could be with you while you go through the eulogy?

Homesick for another life

just seen this on another post.

so resonate with that. More words for my book. Feeling a bit sad today. Away with my girlfriends and they’ve all phoned home. 😢

Being with DH felt like home, no matter where we were

I'm homesick not just for my old life, but for his presence.

I've just come from that thread. Aye.

Yes I’ve just read that thread. So so true. And so sad. Life really is heartbreaking isn’t it?

Today I have to take DH's clothes to the funeral director, and send over the photos for the order of service for Wednesday.

But I just don't want to - this is making it all even more real.

I just want to stay in my bed and pretend that nothing is happening.

I cannot face the thought that DH just won't exist any more.

It's hard, particularly if you're doing it on your own.

I'm so sorry - I don't know what to say to make it better, but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I remember going through all that and just wanting to hide in bed.

I had no choice but to do it on my own. Is there no one who can go in with you?

I found choosing clothes to be put on my wife in the coffin very difficult and a real hit of reality. Of course, in the end, it doesn't really matter what she wore, but I struggled with it for quite a while. It was emotionally very tough.

Now she's cremated and the ashes buried. I've never felt attached to her 'mortal remains'. She was buried in the paper bag that I got from the crematorium - no casket, fancy or plain. I wonder now, some 5 years later, if those attending the burial judged me for that. I visit a few times a year; a friend asked if he could visit a couple of weeks ago and we went together - and I felt touched that he wanted to go

@Jaffapaffa feeling for you so much at this difficult time. I found the staff at the funeral home very helpful but it doesn’t help that we have to make these difficult decisions. I chose the last outfit DH wore to our dd’s wedding party and then fun things. His golf glove in his pocket. His golf cap by his side. We all wrote him a letter that went in as well with mine in his top pocket close to his heart.

I chose a simple casket for his ashes with two small scatter tubes. The casket went in his mum’s grave and one dc took ashes to their homeland to be scattered in a place DH loved and dc ski’s and rides locally. I’ve a tube to take to the holiday place he went almost every year for sixty years.

Well, I managed to take DH's clothes along, plus some other bits and bobs to go with him.

I read through the eulogy and have written something that I also want to say at the funeral - although of course it's impossible to sum him up in a few minutes, and there no words at all that express my utter heartbreak.

I've proof checked the order of service, written a card for the flowers, spoken to the piper (DH was extremely proud of his Scottish heritage, and so a bagpiper will pipe him in to Flower of Scotland), sent endless messages with details of how to get to the crematorium

And today is the day when I have to say goodbye. I really don't want this. I want to stay in my bed and block out the world.

Family will start to arrive in a few hours and I'm bracing myself for it - for the repeated conversations, the struggle to keep the tears locked in.

Thank you again for this safe space.

Thinking of you today @Jaffapaffa - hope you feel supported by having so many people around you who love him.

Sending you massive un mumsnetty hugs.

take it one moment at a time remember to breathe.

have a signal with a friend that if you end up being caught with someone you do not wish to speak to for too long they will come and rescue you. Mine was to put my handbag on the floor just like the queen.

I had already decided with my adult kids that we were leaving at 5 pm on the dot. This meant we had a time to work towards. When we got to the golf club I went from table to table talking to everyone. Some I spent more time with others because I knew it was highly unlikely to see them again as they were DH’s hobby mates.

Please be kind to yourself. From tomorrow, try and allow yourself just some time to sit and recharge your batteries. 💐💐💐

Don’t forget, we are always here when there’s something you want to say but it’s not safe to say it in real life xxx

@Jaffapaffa
Wishing you strength today and hoping the day goes as well as it can

@Jaffapaffa sending huge support for today.

Thinking of you @Jaffapaffa .