This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

@Runningoutofpatiencefucksandmoney thank you. I will think about taking my local hospice up on their offer.

ive been up in our office sorting paperwork and got down to the desk top which I found strangely therapeutic.

Happy Anniversary for yesterday. How lovely that you found his card. I don’t think these things are a coincidence.

its very hard not to cry so do whatever you need to do and be kind to yourself.

I had some grief counselling. It's so dependent on the relationship you have with your counsellor. I had mine over a year after my wife's death, with a lovely retired woman. I don't think she was particularly skilled, but I liked her and felt able to express how I felt: how I missed her, how my future had disappeared, how a version of myself
had also disappeared, how I felt distanced from the world and had no purpose any more. I didn't know what I was for, if that makes any sense. That went on for about 6 weeks - and then I stopped getting anything out of it, so I stopped going

And then, about a year ago, I started proper therapy, because the grief is woven into other threads that run through my life. That therapy had been very useful for me and continues to be

Wishing you all the best and sending you all hugs. It's just over a year since my DH's funeral and it's lovely to hear all your bittersweet memories and new steps.

It's great to know that people have feelings and still have love. Although my DH's parents are lovely, they are also v. stiff upper lip.

For me, perhaps like you, memories are all over the place - some are laugh out loud happy but some bring tears and who can know which it will be.

It's the funeral tomorrow and I'm dreading it. We were long distance so I've met his family and his closest friends, but some of them can't be there, so there aren't actually going to be that many people there that I know reasonably well. (My family and some friends are attending.) And his ex wife will be sitting at the front with his kids (17-23) and I've been told I'll be sitting behind all his family. There will be old friends there that I don't know, but are friends with his ex, all having a bit of a reunion. I feel like I'm just going to be a spare part.

(And I absolutely think his ex should sit with her kids to support them! I am supportive of that and also feel shit because I do feel like I'm being a bit of a brat.)

I lost my Dad 2 years ago (traumatic death) and I took up the offer of counselling from the hospice where he was an inpatient. I'm so not a counselling person, and was very reluctant but I can't tell you how much it helped. Somehow it just flowed, didn't feel stilted or awkward and she really helped me manage that early raw initial grief. I went back a few months later just for a catch up session. I appreciate it's very different from losing a spouse, and I'm not really much help in that respect but do try especially if through a hospice. I'm sorry for your loss.

Your feelings are natural.

I was married nearly 27 yrs. The funeral was during lockdown. DH's DIL phoned to tell me that the son couldn't attend because he'd been told to shield. The daughter told me on the phone "We can't come to the funeral."

I responded "Oh, yes. They're letting people go to funerals..."

"No, I can't because of my asthma. And I don't want [granddaughter] to attend because I don't know how it will affect her. She didn't cry when her died dad." [She was 9 when her dad died; 20 when my husband died.]

There were no physical health worries with the gd - during lockdown, she'd travelled out of the country and back to the UK for part of her uni course.

I was asked to let their mother represent them. I'd expected her to want to go anyway and had no intention of stopping her. I later wished that I had, to be honest.

I did have her mentioned in the eulogy - I didn't see that she could be missed out. I didn't invite her down the front. It did occur to me that if the granddaughter had attended, I'd have been guilted into letting her sit down the front and - to be honest - that would have stuck in my craw.

The funeral was webcast and I was given the recording. The fact that I can hear the ex's voice at the beginning of the funeral is a bit grating for me. I find myself thinking "Could she not even keep her mouth shut then?"

(I'll not merail further, but I do have some justification for my feelings.)

See, atiaofthejulii - you're a much nicer person than I am! Sending you best wishes for tomorrow.

I'm glad that you'll have family and friends with you @atiaofthejulii . I'm assuming that someone is picking you up and taking you there?

No, I'm driving but will have company. It's a couple of hours. None of my kids drive, local friends are taking one or two of my lot because they won't all fit in my car, my parents are coming from the opposite direction, another friend is coming from elsewhere. I drove back home the day he died, I think I'll manage this.

I don't feel nice. I hate that she's going to be there and I fear it's going to be all very old fashioned and traditional and small town, and she'll get treated as 'chief mourner' because everyone will know her and I'll just be some random English stranger who's turned up. I feel like I should have a badge saying I loved him the most. And yes I'm aware that I sound deranged! I feel it.

No, I understand how you feel

I tried so very very hard to be "decent", but feel pretty much as though I was kicked in the teeth. I was very well behaved until about 2 months after the funeral - maybe less - and then I blew it. (No, I wasn't the OW. The ex was taken to and from the funeral by her current bloke, Man No 4.)

I'm glad that your family is going to be there for you.

So sorry to all those who have lost loved ones, I hope you found some comfort in finding the card OP. I’m so sorry, I think it’s rare to find a true love these days xx

@atiaofthejulii i hope you find some peace in the day tomorrow. My own DH’s funeral didn’t pass without some huuuuge issues which I had a massive meltdown on the day with me spelling out how it would be (bizarrely this did include his ex sitting in the front row with his DC, at my invitation, but a different family setup and I was OK with it, but a member of my family was shouting the odds about how his ex of 20+ years shouldn’t even be there!

I made a point of seeking out those afterwards that I thought I’d never meet again and some of his childhood friends told me some lovely stories, and I was able to tell some of them that I knew those stories and how much their friendship had meant to DH.

I’ll be thinking of you, hugs.
I had a signal with my friend if I put my handbag on the floor I needed rescuing, I think I read the queen did this. Xxx

Happy anniversary. Do you love nostalgia? I heard people saying means this and that. Garbage. I love remembering and grieving in quiet sweet melancholy certain things

Thanks @Hisredipad - I wish we had got a couple of years further along and been finally living together or even married, then I would have a proper place at this funeral. (Well, I'd have been the one arranging it I guess.)

I love that idea of seeking out people that I won't see again for their memories. I will try that.

My DH died suddenly just before new year. I have a 10 year old and two stepdaughters, one of whom still lives with me. I am missing him so much today.

I am so very sorry.

So sorry @NerdyBird
It's just awful that you have to go through this.

Hello @Hisredipad and others on here. I am 15 years into living life without my lovely husband who died when he was 43. I did have grief counselling from the local hospice. They didn't offer it in the early months - they said after 6 months is better, when some time has passed.
Initially I was very sceptical but it was incredibly valuable. It gave me a safe space to process so much stuff, whilst in the rest of my life I was using all my energy to keep the show on the road for my small sons. I went fortnightly for about 18 months. I think I was very lucky to strike gold with the right counsellor.
Somebody who had been widowed a long time sought me out to tell me that whilst it's not the life she had wanted or chosen it can still be a good life. I have found that to be true. I still miss my husband. The first two or three years were the wildest rollercoaster of highs, lows and utter disbelief. It becomes easier to live alongside eventually.
I am so sorry and sending hugs to all on this thread xxx

sorry for your loss @NerdyBird, I can’t imagine having to deal with young children and grief, im struggling to remember to give the dog his meds at the right time. 💐

thank you @Runninggirl2 its good to know you found counselling good, I think I probably will at some point but not now, I read a bit yesterday about the stages of grief and none of it resonates with me, but I’ve had many years to come to terms with it coming so maybe I’ve done some of my grieving already, two years ago I was convinced I wouldn’t see him alive again and I did, I was always being lurched into uncertainty, the only thing I feel at the moment is odd, I feel fraudulent, that im living a life that’s not mine to live. I walked to a friends to water her plants today and I had this odd feeling surrounding me that’s like a big label shouting im not who you think I am (not that I saw or passed anyone).

I looked in his shed today and wondered wtf is all this stuff and how on earth will I sort it out, so I shut the door and made space in the guest room for my hobby things to come out again, it was nice to find them but I didn’t do any of it but at least now I can if I wish.

Some things got sorted today, which was good, but then a whole load of other crap came out of the woodwork.

I don’t understand how someone’s death can involve such headaches when it comes to financial matters

I’ve rang at least 10 people in the past week because I have a probate issue sorting out. It would be outing to say what it’s concerning, but I just can’t believe there’s pretty much no one who can help me with it. And those that can want thousands and thousands for their input.
I could understand it if we were talking thousands and thousands of pounds to be inherited, but we’re not

It’s just going to wipe out a huge chunk of not a great deal of money

I'm sorry that you're dealing with the stress of this.

I was fortunate: that a family friend recommended a good, basic solicitor who took care of the probate/confirmation (in Scotland) for me. That came in under 2k, including some conveyancing. (The estate was more than a 'small estate', but much less than the IHT range.) I also finished up paying an accountant £400 to sort out a Capital Gains online form for me. (There was no gain to pay, but I was scared of getting into trouble.)

Is there any possibility at all that you could get advice from Citizen's Advice or a a consultation from an accountant? (I can't remember whether I had to pay for the latter. The sum of £80 sticks in my mind.)

Thank you.
I rang our solicitor this afternoon, but everyone seems to want so much cash for not actually a particularly large job. It screams of greediness. DH would be really upset.
We do have on the outskirts of family a solicitor, but I didn’t feel it was appropriate to approach them but I’m beginning to change my mind now

And I like you don’t want to get it wrong

The solicitor who helped me was a small-town solicitor. On our friend's recommendation, we got him to do the POA for DH.

He was utterly scrupulous - made sure to speak to Dh without my being there, to make sure there was no pressure etc.

DH's will had been drawn up by a bigger firm in Cupar. When the small-town solicitor emailed them to request the principal will - I only had a copy - they demanded £40. My solicitor's dry comment was "They must be short of cash."

He dealt with the sheriff court for me, but got me to go to the bank, etc myself. The first day I saw him, I'm afraid I was sobbing.

He dictated a list of things that I needed to do and made me write it down. He contacted the building society for me, to get the deeds of the property.

A lot of it is a blur now, but I recall the bank manager was lovely. She heard me trying to make an appointment at the desk and came out - told me she'd see me straight away. I got the invoice from the undertaker and she organised to pay that out of my husband's account. She didn't require the confirmation/probate - only the building society needed that.

The solicitor sent off the cheques to DH's two kids and grandchild for me, together with an official letter. (He actually objected to sending the cheque to the grandchild because she was't in the will, but I told him - truthfully - that he should say in the letter that it was my husband's verbal wishe.)

I sent off the parcels of personal effects myself, but had the solicitor's okay to put his return address on.

I'll add that the solicitor told me that the cost of the memorials should come out of the estate. Unusually, there were two - one at the crematorium and one up north at the family plot. DH had wanted his mum's name added to that and I also had his added because those at the crem are only rented. Delays caused by lockdown meant that sorting out the memorials held things up - once the solicitor was on it, probate was done in about 3 months, I think - but it was a year before the memorials were completely sorted out: the one at the cemetery took longest, I think.

feeling Abandoned by the family who I know have family of their own but ……., not even a phone call which considering something I had to do the other day I thought they’d ring, nope, anyway, a sodding advertisement for hot cross buns has left me feeling very sad, DH loved them, would buy them all year round, not normally fussed to buy them but would quite like one now.