This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Had a few good days but now back to feeling awful, I was kind of expecting it as things have slowed a bit but then there’s a whole load of stuff that I have no idea how it’s going to be sorted, and not being so busy allows those issues to invade my brain.
spent a good hour on the phone to my dad who I suppose just let me talk and that helped.
I can’t help but wonder what DH would make of the life he’s left me battle my way through, it’s definitely nothing like what we discussed I’d be doing.
I don’t feel my tears are grief, just tears of unhappy uncertainty of my future life, financially thinking I’ll have to move within a year or so from the home my builder DH built for us.

Grief coupled with uncertainty about the future is so very hard - I know from experience.

All I can do is send a handhold, and say to accept all the help you can get with the practical uncertainties - it is very hard until these are resolved.

I'm sorry, @Hisredipad . I know how overwhelming it all seems, trying to cope with things on your own.

Sending a hug.

If at all possible, try to take each day as a single unit, difficult though that is. I had the same problem of a rambling mind that was working overtime, mainly at night. It's the shattered dreams and plans that cannot happen now - so so much empathy for you @Hisredipad

i expect your sleep pattern is shot to pieces which leaves you with minimal resilience with which to get through the day. Can you get a short course of sleeping meditation from your GP, as getting a good night's sleep even if you have to use medication to help you, is really important when you're struggling.

lots of hugs from me 🫂

It's still grief isn't it, grieving the life you thought you were going to have together.

That's how I feel at the moment, that we'd talked and made hopeful plans for the future, and now none of that is going to happen. But actually, I found out as he was dying that he was an alcoholic, so those plans were pretty hypothetical anyway!

It's been two months for me - feels like FOREVER. I have good days and bad days, overall I'm sleeping ok but my concentration is shot. I've started seeing a therapist and feel like that's going to be useful.

I'm glad I have no one to be responsible for, and can be flexible with work. Wishing support to everyone on this thread xxx

@atiaofthejulii a friend suggested the other day I consider counselling but I can’t see me doing it, hard to explain really, I think because I feel he’s still about somewhere (still in hospital perhaps) if I talk to someone that will be the end of him still being around.

I’ve always believed that robins are the souls of those departed, I always greet them, before DH passed it would be hello nanny, it’s so strange but every day since he passed there has been a Robbin, not just in the garden but hopping about in front of me when I’m hanging washing on the line, flew around me a few times one of the first times, freaked me out a bit. I see it multiple times a day , it always seems to surprise me too.

Thanks everyone all your good wishes and advice.

Finally got some information I needed to help me plan life further. It’s sort of a three step process. The next bit is to work out how on earth to actually deal with step two. But at least it has got to step two and gives me hope that I am actually in charge of my future life.

Could there be any scope for your getting a lodger in, so you don’t have to move?

I've been feeling the opposite to him still being around somewhere, I sometimes feel like he might be disappearing. We didn't live together, in fact he lived 100 miles away and there's very little in my house to say he was ever here. And his family haven't been brilliant at involving me in things, and got his house cleared without telling me. I said to the counsellor that sometimes I feel like I've imagined the whole thing!

I'm glad you've got a plan, even if executing it might be difficult. This is all so hard and everyone keeps telling me I'm doing so well
and I just want to fall apart.

I'm so sorry.

For what it's worth, even though I have my husband's things here I still feel at times as though he's disappearing.

Sometimes, I have the feeling that I could just reach through an invisible barrier and pull him back to me; at other times, it's as if I'm losing him.

So sorry to hear you feel like this. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you, at least DH home was here and so are his things. I just have to take one day at a time. Fortunately or possibly unfortunately I’m constantly trying to keep our business together which is extremely hard work and very brain time consuming but today I had questions that only he had the answers to so I had to delve around and then take a calculated guess which fortunately turned out right so I did feel he was sitting on my shoulder.

I’ve put up lots of photos of DH and moved some we already had to a more prominent position which I’ve found comforting. On our wedding anniversary I bought myself something I know he’d have got me if he’d been here and known I like it so much. If I’ve felt upset I’ve let myself be it but I did have a boogie this morning during making breakfast to a song on the radio I loved in my teens, I was never a listener of radio or music but have found it breaks the silence nicely now.
hope you find some peace soon xxxxx

Well done on the business decision! Must be so tough keeping all that going.

I have been thinking about putting a photo of J up - my friends gave me all sorts of gifts including a Photobox voucher so could get something nice.

Glad you had a little dance - expect there was a robin watching you 😀

I ran past a very bold little robin yesterday evening and thought of you. Hope your week's been ok.

It's my boyfriend's mum's birthday today - I sent her a card and I'd printed out a couple of photos of him and her and popped them in too. Then took them back out, wrapped them in a piece of paper and wrote PHOTOS on it, to give her some warning rather than just be confronted with his grinning face. Anyway, she said thanks for them so I'm hoping they were received ok.

A friend and I are going to plant some wildflower seeds on his grave tomorrow (natural burial ground - does get sheep there sometimes so we'll see what doesn't get eaten!). I haven't talked to his family about it, and I feel slightly guilty about that, but there's been lots that they haven't included me in, and I have to do what feels right for me, I'm just wasting energy worrying about them when it's not reciprocated.

@atiaofthejulii my week has been busy, sometimes okay, and sometimes like today I’ve needed a whole box of tissues to get through it. But the one constant in every day has been Robin’s. I honestly can’t get over how much they are around. I could understand it if I was looking for them, but they literally pop up in front of me. Sometimes they make me happy and sometimes they make me sad.

I think that’s a lovely idea to sprinkle wild flowers over your boyfriend’s grave. I bought some blue bulbs from Sainsbury’s not long after he died and I’ve just realised with you saying about the seeds that the flag Iris is flowering, with other greenery in the same pot which I’m wondering which flowers will come next.

I think it’s important that you do what is right for you and actually don’t worry about the others, as you say, why worry when it’s not reciprocated. I went to the stonemasons today and had to make some decisions about some things and then had a big wobble which I think is why today is not a good day but I think I doubt anyone will care about the font or the size I’ve been agonising over all day.

I’m trying hard to brighten myself, I have friends coming over for a drink and this weekend we have a little one’s birthday to celebrate and I’m currently enjoying planning making their birthday cake.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow, hoping the weather is nice, and hoping that you can draw comfort as you sprinkle your seeds. Why don’t you keep the tiniest amount and sprinkle them in your garden so you have something close to you that is linked to him (and if in the meantime you miss this message go back next year dig up a couple of those little plants or gather some of their seeds and bring them home). Next year my garden is going to be jampacked full of daffodils.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP xx

I haven’t lost my DH so I can’t even imagine, but I did lose my best friend in October, he was the best person, we’d been friends since we were little kiddos, I remember we used to sit and play old retro games until the sun came up, I do miss him very much x

I did a bereavement course - it was so helpful - offered by local churches but they put all the religious stuff into one session of which you can opt out

Why don’t you keep the tiniest amount and sprinkle them in your garden so you have something close to you that is linked to him

That is a brilliant idea! Thank you @Hisredipad, I will make sure to do that.

I'm sure you made all the right decisions about fonts and sizes - can definitely imagine feeling that that has to be absolutely perfect xxx

I have found that audiobooks help fill the silence.

I’ve always hated the thought of an Alexa. I was given one a couple of years ago as a Christmas present and it had remained in the cupboard but when I was really struggling after DH died, I plugged it in. Mainly just to use the timer, but then I found myself asking it to play the radio and a few other bits and bobs.

I think an audiobook would actually be a really good idea. I must look into that. I did have one that I listened to via my phone on the train when going up to London every week out last year. I’ve no idea what it was but I’m pretty sure I didn’t finish it.

I have today managed to do a fair bit of my hobby thing, it’s made me concentrate on something else and actually has been very relaxing
There’s a group of us doing a specific project so photographed where I was at and sent it to our WhatsApp group and that started off quite a hilarious conversation which was nice because it’s incredibly quiet here today

I use Borrowbox, which is free as long as you get a card from your local library - you just key in the card number and away you go.

Audible is quite expensive, but as I have disabilities I am allowed to access it cheaply via Libby.

If you are with Spotify you can download audiobooks from there but beware - you only get so many hours and when those are used up the book will stop in its tracks - usually at an exciting bit!

I hope you will find it useful.

Well, the weather wasn't amazing but not awful and my friend and I had a really lovely time together and it was nice to be back at the burial ground. It's probably good that I live so far away, I'd be there every day if I was nearby. Have been low since then, think it's just mentally/emotionally draining doing a big thing. His mum phoned me last night, she'd had a tough weekend with her birthday, and we were both a bit weepy. I chickened out of telling her on the phone about the seed-sowing but messaged her afterwards and she replied saying that was very thoughtful. I need to plant mine here now!

Hope you had a good weekend @Hisredipad , sounded like it should be good but potentially a bit tiring?

Oh, I was going to add a picture of the burial ground - it's small and simple (like him, J would say! 😁) but has a gorgeous view and is very peaceful.

What’s a beautiful place @atiaofthejulii. I’m glad you managed to get there and scatter your seeds and that you also have some for your own garden.

The weekend here was strange. On Monday I was at a family get together which although nice was very hard as well being there without DH And today I am struggling to do my job. One of my colleagues suggested that it might be better not to try to do my job today so that’s pretty much what I did. I had a little nap this afternoon and then some tea and toast and walked the dog briefly as it’s so windy. I think the wind helped to blow some cobwebs out of my brain and although I feel shattered, I do at least feel I can think more clearly. The likelihood is I ate far too much sugar yesterday and not enough proper food. It wouldn’t have happened with DH was still here because he would’ve come home and wanted something proper like soup or eggs on toast, et cetera. I had leftover cake.Oops