This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Oh, I'm sorry. :(

I know that I'll catch myself watching a tv programme and think "Oh, DH would have liked this..." or when I saw the crocuses in bloom again, I felt sad because DH couldn't see them.

I find that the only person who really makes a point of keeping in touch on significant days is DH's sister - she phoned during the week on DH's birthday.

I do find that other family members are (understandably, I guess) really only interested in their immediate family.

I hope that you got through whatever it was as well as possible, @OP.

Thanks, im feeling a lot better today, the symptoms I was likely to get were minor fortunately. I found a tea cake in the freezer and toasted it after a short defrost, stupid really at midnight but I was suddenly hungry and sad. DH and I married when the daffs were out but our garden I noticed this year didn’t have many, I’m going to plant lots next year, a few years ago I made hanging baskets of narcissi which were really sweet.
I hadn’t really thought about the daffs until a few weeks ago, a neighbour’s got some I walked past today and could hear DH’s saying about them being in bloom up the path to the church.

That is so lovely. Also have you looked at Sue Ryder online? That has been a lifeline for me x

It helps if you write down thoughts as they pop into your head. Then you take diary to counselling sessions with you

My husband died 100 days before our 25th wedding anniversary. A friend had bought me a voucher for a massage so I spent the day at a hotel spa using this then took some really close girlfriends out to dinner to celebrate. It was bitter sweet so I made the most of it. That was 13 years ago.

Time does help. Sending you strength and peace.

@Musicaltheatremum its good to know time heals, at the moment I feel im living in a fraudulent life of limbo, normally I’d have have gotten through it and all would be well but of course this time it isn’t.

just been to the shops and bought some hot cross buns, going to have them for breakfast.

a friend came this afternoon and we did something towards a hobby we share which was nice

Time heals, but leaves you with scar tissue.

Progress isn't linear; you'll have good days and bad days. Be patient, seize every opportunity for happiness that comes your way and be kind to yourself

Today is a bad day. I had every intention of doing things but can’t function beyond sitting on the sofa and mindless scrolling and half heartedly watching a carry on movie.
can’t work out of im genuinely poorly or struck down with grief

My husband died 10 weeks ago, the funeral has happened and I feel like people have gone back to their own lives now. My adult children and my lovely sis are in contact every day.... but other people who came to the funeral and knew us for years as a couple seem to have faded away....

Has anyone else found this?

Sending hugs. This still happens to me sometimes, even 4 yrs later.

Yes - from what I hear, it's not uncommon.

This is true for almost every death. Although it seems impossible and ridiculous, life goes on (just not for you or your loved one). People have lives to live, jobs to go to, children to bring up, supermarkets to visit. It is a very isolating experience, because nobody feels like you do, not do they understand how you feel (even the ones who have gone through their own bereavement - because everyone's grief is very individual)

Eventually life will go on for you too, even though that may seem like a betrayal for a while. But mundanity returns, reluctant though you are to succumb to it

Bless you. I am sure this is our brains shutting down when we are struggling. I started playing Solitaire on my phone after I lost my daughter. Some days I would play it for a couple of hours mindlessly and it became a kind of therapy.

I still play it now but not so much.
Take care of yourself and do whatever gets you through ❤️

@MissMarplesGoddaughter , im sorry for your loss, your not far behind me, DH passed not long before.

yesterday we had a family dinner at my parents and mum insisted I took a plate of dinner home, so glad she did as I’ve just warmed it up, it would have been so easy to eat the rest of the hot cross buns.

I do feel people have drifted away back to their own lives as they should, im sure I was dealing with things better a few weeks ago, I’ve got a list of jobs that need doing and I did a little one this afternoon and then walked the dog and met three neighbours who also have dogs so it was good to be able to chat for a while.

my hobby group booked a short four day weekend break today for and I’ve said I will go so I’ve something to look forward too. I went to the library this week and got some chick lit which I enjoy and I’ve found it a good distraction.

I don’t understand the fatigue I feel but I’ve just decided to go with it, if it doesn’t lift I’ll go to the doctors, I had a full on few months with DH so I’m possibly just exhausted. My brain wants to crack on getting things done, sort out the house and the garden but my body just won’t engage.

That all sounds very familiar @Hisredipad .

4 yrs later, I still have difficulty getting on with things. I think that part of the problem is that I retired a couple of yrs early because of Dh's health, so I lost the routine of my career, but also I've no children or siblings of my own so it's too easy to live in my own head. (Lockdown probably impacted as well.)

I'm now forcing myself to make new routines and that does seem to make a difference.

Re: fatigue

I took one of those minerals and vitamins tests at my pharmacy. Turns out that I'm at the low end of normal for iron and below normal for vitamin D, so I'm trying to eat better and taking a Vit D supplement.

Might be of relevance to some other people on here, if they've been cooped up at home and not eating properly?

@WearyAuldWumman , thanks, good point, off to find the iron tablets. Xxxx

I think bank holidays are the absolute worst tbh @Hisredipad I still struggle with them, 14 years later.

so sorry for your loss.

I experienced the opposite after I'd lost DH.

one of his squash chums, who we'd often socialised with was absolutely lovely about keeping in touch with me, but after a while I had to let the contact slip. It was just too painful without DH, it was a constant reminder he wasn't there any more,

I found it more healthy to move forward with new friendships that were 'post-DH'. I just hope his old friends understood and didn't hold it against me. Couldn't bring myself to be honest with them that they were the reason for my sadness. It wasn't fair on them to be that honest.

@Emptyandsad
I think you misunderstand, It's not that I expect people's lives to revolve around me now. I realise that other people do have their lives to lead and appreciate they are busy with their own families, friends etc. etc....

I was just a bit surprised that people, (some of whom I've known for 50 years) had said to me, we'll be in contact and they haven't....

I am very fortunate that I have a close and loving family and feel very blessed.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were expecting people's lives to revolve around you, nor that your expectations of your friends were unreasonable.

It is a common experience (and one that I share) that people disappear from your life - sometimes the people whom you would least expect. On the other hand, sometimes people from whom you would expect nothing step up to support you.

People find death difficult to deal with; they don't know what to say, whether to ask you about how you're feeling or whether to pretend nothing has happened. And so, often, they find it easier to avoid the dilemma and just to not be around you. It's not even that they're indifferent; it's that they don't know what to do. They don't invite you to things because they think you might not want to come (not ready to enjoy yourself) - and, maybe a little, that they worry that if they invite you to dinner, you will bring the atmosphere down and inhibit their other guests

Grieving is a lonely business

An enormously difficult day today. Our hot water tank is in the back of my dear husband wardrobe and I had to get to it. I decided not to put back everything of his but really struggled to let go of things. I even found myself thinking strangely I might wear that. I suppose I dealt with about a third of it that had to come out because it was in the way.

I haven’t got rid of everything because at the moment I don’t want to.

We all struggle in our different ways don’t we? and I’ve read the previous posts. I do feel it’s important that we be kind to one another, this post is just as much for everyone here as it is for me so if you want to say something, please do.

I do feel that I’m moving on, I’m making changes to life that I wouldn’t have to be making if I wasn’t in this situation. It’s definitely a one day at a time ., the two steps forward one back thing, the one thing I really don’t get is this thing are firsts. My first Easter., well it was just Easter, but today my I don’t know how many Fridays on my own it’s an awful day.

I understand what you're saying - I've found myself wearing my husband's jumpers, etc. He was shorter than me but had a large chest - he used to weight train - so somehow, they fit.

It's been 4 yrs, but I've only managed to put out some of his clothes...I had to tell myself that it was okay to do it, because if he comes home I'll buy him new stuff. Barmy, I know, but it was a way of allowing me to let some stuff go.

12 years for me this week since husband died very suddenly.
The saddest thing is he didnt get to see his two young sons grow up.
There's a saying
"Your in my life, but not really
Your out of my life, not quite."
This resonates for me.
Most of the time l am happy enough, I've worked hard to create a different way of life, but out of the blue for no expected reason a wave of grief will wash over me from time to time.
I am grateful for having him in my life.
I'm not sure how old your are OP, there is a lovely online group Widowed and Young.
I read many books , often written by widows in the early stages of my grief, l found them very helpful, l got mine on Amazon.

I have just thrown away a bag of my wife's clothes. I think all I have left now is one pair of knickers (which, weirdly, just turned up in my pants drawer, randomly) and the silk nightie she bought for the first night we slept together. That's 4 and a half years since she died and there has been a regular trickle of me getting rid of her things, bit by bit. It doesn't feel like betrayal, but it does feel a bit like letting her go. And that's sad.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and I dreamt about her last night

There's no rush. You should take as long as you need; hold onto them for as long as it gives you comfort. The pain is a reminder of how much you loved them, but it doesn't mean that, when you stop hurting, your love was any less