This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

@IridescentRainbow thank you for the link to bereavement journey. Your descriptions of life matches mine almost exactly. I am buying myself a watch that can ring my phone although it will drastically reduce the steps I gain in trying to find it going up and down the stairs multiple times before ringing it only to find it in plain sight.

I had my first real outing without DH yesterday meeting with joint friends for another’s birthday lunch in a local restaurant, driving there I almost turned back but I didn’t, mostly it was OK, had a moment but fortunately no one noticed. I’m heading towards six months and can’t get my head around it being that long already. I have occasions of being very detached from myself and spend a lot of time on the sofa mindlessly scrolling or watching TV but am trying to make sections of the day count positively towards tomorrow either by doing a job that needs doing or planning something.

My husband’s brother, wife and 2 young children have been here today so it’s been pretty chaotic. My son went to a friend’s this morning but then wouldn’t come down to see my brother-in-law. He’s been sleeping in my husband’s bed since we left to go to the hospital and has asked if he can move into my husband’s room.
We were sleeping in separate beds because of his medical equipment. He had an artificial heart. He was so looking forward to us being in the same bed together.
I was nicely distracted by the children and my brother in law showed me some lovely videos and photos of my husband.
But then he showed be a different video and it was like I could reach out and touch him, like he was next to me and that yearning has broken me again.

@Sunshineandbluesky 💔

I hope in time the videos can bring you comfort. Xxx

The coroner telephoned yesterday. It was horrific. I had a really upset stomach afterwards (I’ll spare you the details). I didn’t expect to hear back so soon. They’re happy with the hospital’s explanation and the death certificate will be issued soon.
The hospital is very far away from where we live so will arrange to get it sent to our local one. The man from the hospital said I had to go and collect it but the undertaker said no.
I’ve met the celebrant and given him loads. Thankfully he’s on holiday so the funeral won’t take place for another month. And I’m happy with that. I don’t want the funeral to come.
Thinking about you all and thankful for this lovely place to write. Please don’t let me hog it.

It's a horrible feeling, I know.

Just to add that it was a month before I had the funeral and I really felt that I needed that time to organise everything.

@Sunshineandbluesky please don't worry about hogging the thread! This is a place where you can say whatever you need to. No judgement, we've all been there.

I can imagine talking to the coroner was horrendous. My boyfriend's mother said seeing the death certificate with it all written down was awful. I felt horrible being outside it all (long distance relationship, not married, his family did all the admin and arrangements) but also I knew that it did take that burden off me.

You're doing so well just getting through it all xxx

It’s my husband’s birthday today. He died in January 2025 😢

I'm so sorry that happened to you. How has today been?

I'm sorry. The firsts are particularly difficult.

It wasn’t too hard, tbh. The initial shock has worn off. In its place I’m just low-level depressed all the time and I find it hard to take much (any) pleasure in anything.

thanks for your good wishes.

Thank you x

Sorry for your difficult days @Sunshineandbluesky @iseethembloom
it must be the day for it, not had a good one either as I’ve been floundering in more paperwork related to family business that DH would definitely have known the answers to. (Again!). Tears of frustration were shed.

grief comes in waves I seem to find, I felt I got told off today as I was laughing with the bin man as he sorted my bin and the Robbin came and sat right close to me, and later I saw him staring at me from the washing line.

i have people I need to have difficult conversations with and I can’t bear to even think how to start it, neither can I delegate it, and neither do I want to write them a letter, all hells going to start soon and I have no way of not being involved (said persons won’t care a jot about my current grief).

I'm sorry @Hisredipad . I think I understand - I have things that I should have dealt with already, and just haven't been able to cope even though I'm years further along the road than you. It takes me all my time to manage one thing at a time. (I've had some health issues - now resolved and my excuse is that I was dealing with those.)

I need to screw up my courage and get on with things.

I have a relative who suffered two tragic losses, including the death of her husband. She told me that grief is a burden which does get lighter with time, but is always there.

I've found that to be true...I sometimes find myself thinking that I'm making a new (?) life for myself and then it all just hits me again.

I'll add that I had a hospital appointment on Thursday and was so bloody jealous of the women who had their husbands with them.

Another widow warned me of that: "You'll see an elderly couple walking hand in hand, and you'll be annoyed that it can't be you."

@WearyAuldWumman ive been to the hospital DH spent a lot of time in for a couple of appointments and had the taxi drop me off at the back entrance as I can’t bear to go in the front.

and yes, I was a bit teary sat there on my own.

struggling to even think about the future, im just stuck in the current day often waiting for bedtime, I seem to have good hours rather than good days.

I think my biggest concern is will I actually get over it and I know life goes on et cetera but I find it hard that the kids don’t understand that on a daily basis so many months down the line I struggle so much

@Hisredipad I find that, often, the only people who really understand are other widows.

I think that I was quite independent before I married, but for nearly 27 years I was half of a whole.

I used to hold down a responsible job where I had a management job. I had to do all the paperwork for my parents for many years and for my husband for about 10 yrs. Now the thought of having to fill in any kind of form or dealing with people just puts me into a panic.

I'm trying to make myself do things, but it's hard.

The one thing that has helped is that I was referred to physio and the physiotherapist referred me to an exercise class. I finished up taking out a gym membership.

I found that signing up for classes meant that I had to leave the house. When I'm in classes, I will exchange greetings with other people and the mask often becomes reality if that makes any kind of sense. By contrast, when I'm exercising in the gym on my own I can just concentrate on that and shut out the world.

It takes me all my time to manage one thing at a time.

Ugh, this so much. Today was basically ruined because I looked at my water meter reading and decided it was time to do something about my constantly trickling toilet. YouTube told me it was just a matter of replacing a seal, one rubber ring, seemed doable. But neither B&Q, Wickes nor Screwfix actually sell just the seal, and by the time I came out of the third one I just wanted to cry, and did a bit when I got home. Then had to sit and just watch TV and wind down for a bit. And that was pretty much all my mental resources used up for the day!

I'm in awe of @Hisredipad keeping business stuff going.

I've had to mute a couple of friends on Facebook who are blissfully happy with their second husbands/partners. The ones who are long term married, I'm ok with, I was glad to get divorced.

@atiaofthejulii , take a picture of the inside of the toilet and go to a plumbers merchant (shop where the plumbers get their bits), they will help you xxxxx

(I know this because this is what DH did not that long ago) xxxx

i am composing long letter to person I don’t want to deal with. (Which I will probably have to commit to memory and regurgitate during a conversation, but am annoyed I am making myself do this but know face to face I’ll end up saying not what I want/need to).

Hope you got your way through that difficult day. X

This so hits the nail on the head. Seeing others hand in hand .... going to events and watching others go home together or to someone else at home. It is gut wrenching for me and honestly seems to get no better. Everyone is very kind but they simply have no idea at all of the crushing empty space inside me. I have been ill for over a year heart problems and facing these challenges alone is hell.
Thos looking in from the outside think I cope "so well" but they simply do not know.

Sending hugs.

And more hugs x

And some hugs for me too.

Had my oldest friend visit today. There were lots of tears. Probably more than I shed since the funeral.
It was good to be distracted from some of the other crap but I’m exhausted now. Ready for a nap I think