This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

I have had a really difficult weekend, it's now 3 months since DH died - a quarter of a year already, how can that be?

The situation is not helped by the hotel that he had booked for my surprise birthday being arsey about amending the booking - they turned me down flat initially but I went higher and they will amend the booking for a fee, and have offered a refund but only to the card it was paid on, which of course is no longer valid. So now I'm doing battle and will demand a room upgrade/change to twin and some breakfasts - it's not a particularly smart place but you'd have thought I was asking for the earth.

And then there's the "what are you doing for Christmas?" thing - and I'm being made to feel guilty by saying that it's just going to be me and my (adult) children....

Oh my goodness, what arseholes at the hotel. Good luck with your battle!

Christmas is a whole other thing. You and the children sounds perfect though, why would anyone have a problem with that?

That is appalling of the hotel, @frostyfingers . Would you consider getting advice from Citizens' Advice or even Trading Standards?

I wonder whether the MSE Forum might be able to give you advice.This is one case where I might recommend going to the press.

I agree with @atiaofthejulii over Christmas.

That’s awful @frostyfingers . I really hope they see sense. Where are their morals and empathy? I’m so sorry, I know any extra battles are just too much.
Christmas is panicking me. I usually absolutely love it but this year anything to do with it makes me feel sick and shaky. And sad, so so sad. I absolutely hate this new life. I’ve been trying so hard but the pain is so intense. I think you have every right to only do what you want and hope others leave you to your plans.

I have won the hotel battle! They will refund on to another card, but they still want to charge an amendment fee, which I'll tackle them with when they call me tomorrow. Ridiculous though that it needed so much work.

I'm just back from the hospital with confirmation of lymphoedema in my breast & upper arm following my cancer surgery last year - I've been given lots of information and exercises to do, and will see the physio shortly. The worst thing about it all was having to change next of kin details from my DH to my DS - I burst into tears in reception, but they were very kind and patient.

Christmas wise I'm with you @Sunshineandbluesky although I have never really loved it, this year is going to be horrendous and I just want to batten down the hatches until it's all over. Shopping today was awful with Christmas stuff everywhere already. A few family members think that we all ought be together in one big group and were a bit disappointed when we declined, the gap where DH should be is going to be big enough without being in a huge family event with everyone else's partners there. So the four of us it is, and we'll make the best of it quietly.

I'm glad that you won the hotel battle, @frostyfingers . Their insistence on an amendment fee is more than a little mean.

I don't think that I'll get anywhere with the club in Edinburgh, but at least I can now prove that I didn't defraud them. My memory of that time is a bit of a blur, as I'm sure you'll all understand, but I did a search of emails just in case and found one that I sent to the club's membership email three weeks after the funeral, telling them that DH had died.

Even better, I got a reply by return, acknowledging receipt and passing on condolences - sent by the previous membership secretary - so I have proof that I didn't fraudulently continue my membership.

I've also found DH's old membership card, so I can provide his membership number, though I don't know where his paperwork is.

ETA I can relate to bursting into tears over kinship, etc frostyfingers. I did much the same when in hospital to have a tumour on my wedding ring finger removed a few months after the death. Having to find a different next of kin and removing the ring did for me.

@frostyfingers im also pleased your getting the hotel sorted.

I’ve a Christmas coming that I accidentally organised because I gave a wrong date. Should have been Christmas Eve and I accidentally said Christmas Day, but decided to go with it but said persons then asked to bring a friend I’ve never met, which I don’t want. I told my parents I don’t want this and they are aware of my mucking up of days and my dad has been firm that I should just go with it. Im not really very well at the moment. I had a cold and then I stupidly gave myself food poisoning but im thinking of causing an almighty row and bowing out of it all. They are all supposed to be coming to me but I don’t want it. All a blooming mess.

im feeling particularly sorry for myself at the moment. Everything I try to do seems to be hard work and doesn’t go quite right. I’ve booked myself a weekend away which I didn’t want to tell anyone about as I’m fed up of being questioned about where I am and what I am doing. I know friends and family are concerned about me but I want to be alone. Why the answer ‘sorry not available’ is met with ‘what you doing, where you going’ my mum actually asked me if I was going on a frigging date!

Yesterday a club of DH’s sent him a badge for being part of the 2025 celebrations. I’ve messaged several people several times he’s passed away and getting a bit fed up of their poor administration.

hoping that the weekend away will give me some respite and next week I will feel better.

@Hisredipad That all sounds so stressful, easier said than done I know but I would stand firm and bow out - I can't believe your father is being so insensitive. This should be all about you and what you can cope with.

I'm sorry you've been unwell too, and that the club have been so useless - it all adds up to make life really difficult. I've had a few small things here that have tipped me over the edge a couple of times to the point that I think a couple of people are avoiding me, which is fine really - their problem, not mine.

You go on your weekend away, and do exactly what you want and sod the rest of them!

I agree with @frostyfingers .

It took me a good time to realise how selfish other people can be. You keep going because you have to - even when you're hanging together by a thread - and then people keep expecting you to accommodate their needs when it's taking you all your time to breathe.

I won't derail by giving you examples of what happened to me, but just to say that I understand and people tend not to take any notice until you snap. Just try not to do it in the spectacular manner that I did...Well, not unless you want to eff them off permanently.

Sending hugs @Hisredipad .

took a deep breath after chatting with friends this afternoon about Christmas dilemma and rang my mum, who was fine. Going to wake up at home, go to church, then go to theirs. Feeling a weight lifted.

That's good. I'm pleased that it's sorted.

Had a bit of an epiphany today. It’s very close to DH’s birthday and I’ve been bombarded with work and a few health issues so been feeling a bit low again.

out walking the dog I bumped into a friend and we had a good twenty minute chat and found I felt so much better for seeing someone. I actively avoid people when I’m feeling like this but now wondering if that’s the wrong thing to be doing.

I know that I feel better when I'm around people - that's one of the reasons why my gym membership has been so beneficial.

Based on what you've said in previous posts, @Hisredipad , I think that one of the reasons that you've been avoiding people is that you've had some people expecting you to prop them up, instead of them supporting you at your time of need?

I try to keep myself busy, I have a hobby which means twice a week I am amongst people who knew my DH well and I find it very helpful - they don't avoid talking about him, they ask me how I am, and mean it, and don't mind if I'm weepy or don't want to talk much. It's very helpful, and even if there are times when I'm not feeling like going out I make myself and then I do feel better.

That said, I do find coming home to a dark empty house very hard, and there are occasions when I really don't want to go out because I don't want to come home - if that makes sense?

I have Christmas sorted now, and it's what we all want so that's a positive, I'm not sure I'll be out much and certainly I won't be celebrating New Year but I guess I'll get through somehow. A New Year means that I have to say DH died last year and that makes it seem like such a long time ago, it seems like he slips further and further away but the pain doesn't get any less.

Another member of the 'Club' been 4 years now, still occasionally angry & sad, we had so many plans! Widowed at 50 definitely not on my life plan 🙄
It would have been our 25th Wedding Anniversary this year.
I'm lonely but not alone.
I'm rambling now.
Sending love to those that need it x

Sending it right back, @dhfoody47 . Thank you.

I'm sorry that you were widowed so young.

Finally feel I’m coming up for air. I hope you’re all ok?

Not been a good time as got diagnosed with breast cancer last week. Hopefully nothing too serious but enough to send me into an angry shouty not nice person. Don’t have the energy to be upset. Went to hospital DH was in and his MacMillan nurse has been assigned to me.

it all seems unreal. I’m more sad that I’ve got to do this on my own as we’d always looked after each other in times of bad health.

I’m never good at responding to a situation like this. Just want you to know I’m thinking of you.

Are they still in the process of formulating your treatment plan, then?

I know that it’s harder to go through medical matters without your husband at your side; I’m hoping that you have family support?

Do you want to survive though? I’d look at it as my get out of jail free card.

@Hisredipad I couldn’t not respond. I can only imagine how you must feel right now. Your emotions must be extreme in all directions. All I can do is offer my support. Do you have anyone who you know will support you in real life?
Also @dhfoody47 welcome and I’m sorry you’re here.

Oh @Hisredipad I am so sorry to hear this, what a shitty hand you have been dealt. I’m 5 months on from finishing my treatment for breast cancer and although I know it’s never the same for anyone I am happy to help if I can.

I have had the most awful few weeks, this time last year I had just had surgery and DH was in hospital and we had received his diagnosis. I have spent most of the time in tears, reading through our messages whilst he was in hospital and quite frankly wishing I wasn’t here. Today is my (big) birthday and family & friends have been amazing but the gap where he should be is huge and my heart is breaking all over again.

There have been many times when I have wished that I wasn't here, but I'm beginning to find times when I'm glad still to be here - though I do also sometimes find myself feeling guilty about that.

I'll add that many of you will have family who want you to be here.

I'll just add that I wouldn't wish widowhood on anyone. What I do wish is that all those of us in this position could have the support for one another that I'm seeing on here.

(Sorry - I'm tired and not expressing things properly.)

Thank you all. I’m ok. Angry at what is happening. Sad I face it without DH. I have sooooo much to live for.

im just fed up that at a point in time when everything was starting to get easier I get this dropped on me.

parents and kids all very supportive but just not the same. DH and I were each other’s carer’s. I’ll have to stay with my elderly parents who are great but would much prefer to be in my own home