This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

We did DH’s ashes. Every thing went well and even the promised rain stayed away. I thought I’d get very upset but actually was fine. Although I do feel very sad today and find it weird that he’s no longer in the dining room I have a strange peaceful feeling.

I'm pleased that it went well.

Glad it went well. Isn't it weird how we can't always tell how we'll react to some things?

I went to my nephew's wedding on Saturday. He's a lovely guy and it was a really happy occasion. But I've been so sad since. It really took me back to my wedding and how happy I was and how desperately lonely I am without her

I find that weddings and other such events can be difficult because of the memories that they evoke.

A reminder of how lonely we really are when we see other people’s happiness is so so hard isn’t it. I’m genuinely happy for them but at the same time so sad for myself. That must have been difficult @Emptyandsad .
I’m pleased that it went well @Hisredipad and that you feel peaceful.
I now have DH’s ashes home. My brain can’t accept that they are him and I’m scared what will happen to me when I do.

I didn't take DH's ashes home with me, but now feel a bit guilty about it - I took the option for the crematorium to scatter them for me. With hindsight, I might have done it differently.

I brought my wife's ashes home and they sat on my hearth for 9 months until we had a memorial service. Her sons wanted them put somewhere they could visit, so I arranged a headstone and put them in a local cemetery. I would rather have scattered them myself somewhere that meant something to the pair of us. They haven't visited her grave, ever, which I think is a little sad

So far as I'm aware, DH's kids have visited twice.

It was his daughter who wanted a memorial, but they cut contact so I dealt with that myself. However, I sent them the details of the position in the Garden of Remembrance and twice found that they (presumably) had left flowers there - the second time, they were in one of those plastic 'Beloved father' vases.

The problem is that the memorial space is only leased, so once I go the council will crowbar out the stone. The entry in the Book of Remembrance will be there for good, however.

It's all so sad

I’m not planning on doing anything with them for the time being. It’s just that I can’t get around the fact that they are all that’s physically left of him. But I feel like I dare not let this sink in, because the pain would be too bad.
@WearyAuldWumman I don’t know what to say. Your DH’s family and the council removing the stone. Both make me sad for you.
@atiaofthejulii it is comforting to know that you are having longer plateaus between the dips and that you can look further ahead. I’m glad for you and it’s reassuring for me. I think I’m fighting against it a bit because I still want him to be around.

The way the crematoria here work is that you're allowed to lease a stone for 10 yrs at a time. Once I'm not here to renew the lease, that'll be it. Theoretically, I could try to make arrangements to pass the lease to them, but I've not heard from them for nearly 5 years.

My DW's grave is leased for 25 years. I'll be gone then and her kids can decide if they want to renew it or not. My guess is not

I'm glad that went ok @Hisredipad, and that you are feeling some peace. DH is still with the funeral director, we had a brief discussion about urns and such but haven't heard back from them yet - nor paid the bill. I did ask for it but it hasn't come and I'm not inclined to chase.

I am planning to scatter DH's ashes next year somewhere that he absolutely loved, even though it's a long way from home. There is some discussion that we should be interring them rather than scattering (religious reasons) but I am going to put my foot down on this one and quietly get on with it, with only a few people.

@frostyfingers My dad was Slavic Orthodox, but left instructions for him to be cremated, so that's what I did. The relatives on his side have assumed that he's been buried. They just know that he has a memorial, so...

I was just reading the Guardian Lifestyle pages and, in a comment on a piece about sex in long term relationships, someone wrote

" Due to having lost my partner, I too am celibate. We were getting on, but intimacy and closeness and just pleasing each other was crucial. All lost. the mother of all contradictions: I can't imagine being with anybody else, yet I want intimacy."

That kind of sums up part of my situation; desperate for something that just doesn't seem to exist (let alone be available). Not the sex, but the intimacy, the trust, the confidence, the comfort, the excitement, the fun, the sharing, the not being alone.

Although I guess the sex is a demonstration of all that too...

DH told me to get another man after he'd gone, but I don't think that I want that. I've had this discussion with a couple of widow pals and we all agreed that the only man that we'd want back would be our old man.

I can't remember whether I've mentioned on here, but I had a weird/embarrassing thing at the gym where a chap I chatted to seemingly thought that I was chatting him up.

He blatantly checked whether I was wearing a wedding ring and finished the conversation by saying that I should get my husband to make me a cup of tea when I got home.

I was mortified that he seemed to think that I was some kind of brazen hussy and the impulse was to blurt out "Oh, I'm a widow!" but thankfully I managed to bite my tongue - I didn't want him to think that I was interested.

I'm keeping to chatting to other women and the young dads at the pool cafe now - no chance of misunderstandings there.

@WearyAuldWumman

That's really sad; not sad that you don't want anyone else, but sad that you have to worry about who you talk to, or how you talk to them. I had a phase where people seemed keen to set me up with their chums, which I found really awkward. I didn't know if the chums knew that they'd been 'put forward' and it made me really wary of how I spoke to them. I didn't want to encourage them, nor to appear arrogant enough to think that they were 'after me'. So it made what might have been perfectly lovely friendships if left to ourselves into something that was over-thought

@WearyAuldWumman , that man was rude. What a strange reaction. You can talk to whomever you want!
I'm glad your wedding ring was there to ward him off --- I think of it as your DH protecting you.

It really does feel that way, with the ring.

It was weird. He said he wanted to show me an exercise and turned my hands over to do it: "You need to hold your hands this way..." I know...I know...

Thanks, @OldWave .

I went to the grave today just to check on the flowers really. Considering it’s almost 2 weeks later, they still look really good. I gave them a drink, although they didn’t really need it.

My strange peaceful feeling has continued fortunately and we are nearing signing some of the paperwork that needs to be sorted which is a great relief

Glad that you're getting things sorted out.

I find that I feel at peace at our Garden of Remembrance.

It's nice when you have those peaceful lulls!

I'm back at my old job (sort of) after finishing my course, and it's been lovely. Had to talk to my line manager (who has known me for years) and our admin person (who has only just met me) about annual leave issues - the system had the wrong amount of allowance recorded, and after J's death I hadn't submitted my leave requests properly for about 3 months, so it just needed to be sorted out but was a little bit complicated. Obviously they were being perfectly nice and normal, but I was just reminded of how I was feeling back then and why I wasn't at work etc, and had to say, "sorry, I'm going to cry now" and had a bit of a weep. Fortunately none of my team were around.

And then yesterday I saw a colleague who had been a student with us 18 months ago - I'd spent a lot of time with her then, teaching etc. So she turned up, we hugged and chatted about her job, her boyfriend's vasectomy (as you do!), and then she asked, "so are you still with the dude from Wales?" - argh. I thought everyone knew. I hate telling people, I'm always almost apologising for passing on bad news.

Oh, I'm sorry @atiaofthejulii . I hate when that happens.

I had a weird/horrible one yesterday. As ex-forces, DH had reduced membership of a club and I had spousal membership.

Had a request via email to update details. Had to get help from the membership secretary to do so.

They now seem to have rolled spousal/associate membership in with joint membership requiring one person to be a full member.

I phoned for clarification, was thanked for phoning and the cheerful young woman at the other end informed me she'd change my renewal setting to say that I need to pay for a full membership... When I said I wasn't sure that I could afford it, she cheerfully told me she'd switch off the auto-renew.

I told her that I was under the impression that spousal rates continue when you're widowed...She's going to have to speak to someone.

I've drafted an email saying that if spousal rates are no longer available to widows then I calculate that I owe over £300, and do they want a cheque or can I pay over the phone. Yes, I'm being a bit passive aggressive, but I'm trying not to let it show. [I've done about 5 drafts and I'm being careful to thank the girl for taking the time to speak to me and I'm being very polite. I've told them that I informed them of DH's death. I haven't added '...and I stayed at the club for the regiment's memorial service two months after my membership renewed you dafties.' I have mentioned that another lady had her husband's life military membership transferred to her, but have acknowledged that exceptions are possibly being made for life memberships.]

The raison d'être of the military and spouse membership was so that enlisted men and their wives wouldn't be disadvantaged. All mention of that seems to have been expunged from the website and it now seems to be run as a club for wealthier folk with no need for a military affiliation. I might just let my membership end in the summer.

It's a pity - I don't go to the club often, but it's a place that I like and I have fond memories of regimental events there.

I'm probably being a bit prickly, but it was the way that the young lassie just blithely said that she'd change my membership to a 'Country' membership as though she were doing me a great favour, and in such a cheery voice. She had an Antipodean accent and is new, so she seems to know very little about the history of the place. (You pay more if you live in Town, presumably because you'll make more use of the facilities. That makes no sense now, since Town members are unlikely to need accommodation and members no longer get discounted drinks etc. Apparently, that's now illegal.)

I'd probably be as well quitting. It used to be that my membership was about 90. Apparently, spouse membership is now 170 (which I've been paying via DD) and it'll go up to 235 if I have to pay 'Country' membership.

I could pay it, but I'd feel weird having a non-military membership. I don't really fit in with the ladies who lunch.

Believe it or not, membership is even dearer if you live in the Home Counties. I'm not quite sure why that should be.

I'm finding it a wee bit difficult, because DH was so pleased that he could give me the benefit of membership, via virtue of his military service.

DH was in a club which he was an almoner for, the widows were always well looked after but I haven’t heard much from them. Widows were always invited in October to a meal which I know happened last year so I am a wondering if they’ve forgotten me as I only remembered about it due to these last couple of posts.

We had a lot of nice friends who we saw at clubs DH was a member of, Bowls, golf, etc etc but of course that’s all come to and end for me. I had hoped I might get a social invite to some of the meals but apart from one birthday meal I was invited to a couple of months after DH’s passing that was it. Not overly sure if I feel sad or not tbh.

Yes, I have mixed feelings about that type of thing.

The military club thing isn't straightforward - it's not directly affiliated to DH's regiment - but many of his billet mates are/were members and many of the regimental association dinners were held there and we used to stay there overnight. His regimental association offered me associate membership - it's offered automatically to all widows - which means that I still get all the emails about functions and so on.

The club membership used to be for military only, but I get the feeling that they're using it as a money-making enterprise now. There used to be very strict rules about dress in the restaurant and lounge - no jeans - but they've relaxed that now, so as not to offend the mainly American tourists who stay there during the Festival.

One time, I was booked for a haircut in Edinburgh, so DH said we'd have lunch at the club. He propped up the bar while I got my hair done.

I was midway through when I got a phonecall from him: "The girls in reception are all going daft - that Griff Rhys Jones is here!"

Frankly, I was baffled as to why they would be all of a flutter.

I got back to the club for lunch, but the celebrity had gone. DH had got the name wrong...The visitor was Hugh Grant.